Mess - come back from holiday & we've split up

[IfIfitsIsits]

Hi

I'm feeling so shit.

My boyfriend of almost 3 years has split up with me. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone in real life. Hoping you can talk to me instead.

Starting from the start - as it's crucial - I split up with my ex H 3/4 years ago when I found out he'd been shagging colleagues, clients, prostitutes for 8 of the10 years of our marriage. I was utterly broken, of course. I had no idea what he'd been doing and thought we were really happily married and had 3 v young DC (then 4, 6 & 8).

I suffered trauma and think I have ptsd due to the whole thing.

I take prozac to help my anxiety & self doubt/loathing.

I'm 43 now. Whilst I know objectively, I still look great for my age and know that I am slim and pretty (sorry - not being big-headed but it's true), I do take things out on myself and convince myself (quietly) that I'm shit and unattractive. Why would my ex have done all that if I wasn't?

I found a man on OLD. We'd been together for almost 3 years. During that time, I had a long, protracted divorce and obviously lockdown.

My ex throughout tried to keep me but I knew I simply couldn't. It's been very hard. He tried his best to convince me that he was a drunk and had a sex addiction. I was so, so shocked, I took therapy to try & work out where I was. Ultimately, I knew we had to split as I just couldn't look at him in the same way. He was the love of my life and it completely broke me. As I said, PTSD ensued.

I met this new guy about 9 mths later. Probably way too soon but I really liked him. He was fun and helped take the awful feeling away. I didn't introduce him to my 3 DC fora good year at least and didn't mention him to them. I saw him when the kids were at their dad's.

It's been a volatile relationship. In the sense that I suffer badly from anxiety. I don't cope well with challenging circumstances anymore. I have panic attacks (only mild) and if I drink (which I do often to try to numb the pain) then my insecurities reach the surface.

We've had a good relationship. I fancy him like he'll and he's such fun to be with.

If I was unaffected by what happened in my marriage, I dare say there'd benp issues. But it's hard to create a 'sliding doors' situation and who really knows? I am where I am.

Ive been super loving, kind, fun with him.

But there have been moments when I've become really anxious about one thing or another and the (I think - self diagnosis) the ptsd kicks in and i cant think straight - everything turns to shit and I'm a babbling mess. (I started taking prozac 3 months ago to address this & it seemed to be working)

He was against this,telling me it was just a plaster and wouldn't solve my troubles. I was annoyed at him for this because I knew I just needed a fucking break from the pain & the bad habits I'd got myself into to cope (drinking/smoking).

He lives about 50 mins away from me. I don't see him much more than every fortnight when I am kid free.

We've had so many bust ups, you wouldn't believe. Most of them have come from him being non committal. We've told each other that we love one another. We don't speak much about the future.

He's told me v straight that he won't move in with me ever (I have a 6 bedroom house). He needs his own space to be him & happy.

I've accepted that and thought - fine - the kids dont need a stepdad. We're fine by ourselves.

But I would really like company. It feels like I'm into 20s again, watching shit on TV without a partner to love and care for - a partnership. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen and be better. I feel weak for wanting that but I know that from previous relationships, I thrive from the togetherness & deep, committed love that comes from that.

Anyway, this week abroad was lovely. So, so nice. He was really loving and made me feel so good and wanted & special.

The first night though, I got dressed up, wore a lovely dress - looked the best I could possibly look. Nothing. No word that ilooked nice. Nothing.

I felt like shit. Really awful and that he must have thought I looked crap.(He's never been one for saying I look great when I'm ready for a night out but sometimes he does so i must look better those days??

This kind of matters because he's really quick with telling me I look crap. Out of nowhere a few weeks ago, he told me that my prescription glasses (which I barely wear due to contact lenses) 'really don't suit you'.

A while ago, I wore some plain white trainers from m&s and they were 'shit' and 'embarrassing'.

Every room in my house has something wrong with it that he's criticised.

The way I parent, apparently is wrong.

My car (ancient) is 'shit'.

My (fairly amicable) relationship with my ex isn't right.

My decision making per se is fucked up.

I've got a million more derogatory statements from him. Tbh, writing this out, I hadn't realised how bad it was.

The last night of our hol (2 nights ago) was my breaking point. There had been a few instances recently where I knew I needed to kick off, eg I came to his house on a Friday night and brought stuff to cook for us (I'm a chef) Didn't speak to me once -played some silly thing on his phone until I'd finished.

I didn't kick off because I wanted desperately fortis to work.

I thought it was the prozac doing its job that I didn't.
L
This time,though, away on holiday, I went for it and told him that I needed more.

He didn't address my anxiety. Told me I was ridiculously drunk (I'd had 2 glasses of wine) and that I was a totalf fuck up that would never change.

We went on to dinner. I stayed quiet as I didn't want to argue. I got upset and had tears in my eyes. He looked at me, caught my attention and said 'Xxxx, you are fucking pathetic.'

I was anabolute state. We went home to the hotel. I was a mess then next day. Crying, vomiting(I think ptsd). Then we flew home. All in, around 6-8 hours of not speaking. I had a few mild panic attacks during it it. We had to stop the car he drove me home with fo rme to vomit.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for now.

Sorry this is so long.

I need to pick up the kids from school soon.

It's done me good to write it all out.

(I've not checked this - there could be all sorts of errors . )

Xxxx

I think you need a total reset. Your ex set the bar so low that your perception of men isn't working, Radar broken etc.

You wouldn't have put up with this guy for so long only for your judgment is impaired.

Unfortunately,it's impaired due to a very shitty marraige, a now further shitty relationship,excessive drinking and self medication

I think you need to take time out from relationships until you are back to who you used to be before you went through all this. You actually seem quite resilient, it just waivers some times.

Put you and the children and your health and happiness first. Speak to your GP. Perhaps you need some counselling. Most people would under the same circumstances.

Sounds like an abusive a hole. Be glad you are rid of him. How dare you allow him to treat you like that.

He sounds like a poor rebound. He doesn’t appreciate or respect you. You deserve better, he’s a nasty abusive ungrateful piece of shit. He’s not worth feeling like shit over.
Give yourself time to heal and recover then look for a Mr Right, with a clearer judgement and an intention of making you happy x

You have 3 children who love you. Their love is actually more important than this man's. He's nothing, just nothing, and his live is worth nothing. You are worth a great deal more than nothing, evidenced by your family. You head up a family of four - you and your three children. That is important and that makes you important.

Get rid of that speck of a man. He's not necessary in your life and your family, not at all.

Learn to be alone and restore your self worth. This man is dragging it through the gutter. Nothing is better than this crap relationship

When you rely on others to validate your self worth then you will eventually hit trouble.

your self image should not depend upon this man or any man.

if you are with a nasty bully then of course they will erode your self esteem.

this relationship is about 2/10. I think you know that.

I guess it will stay that way until one of you departs.

Thank you all so, so much.

Every single post here rings true.

It's ridiculous. I'm not a stupid person. If this was my sister or friend telling me all this, I'd literally drag her out of the relationship.

I think that I've been so badly damaged with my marriage, I have been reluctant to trust my instincts a lot of the time and have just been desperate to feel wanted regardless of the wider feel of the relationship. I have known deep down that it's been crap, one sided, emotionally quite abusive and damaging for me.

I think when you've been treated like shit, you start feeling like that's what you're worth.

I know deep down that I'm very strong and I can do this.

I don't know - maybe I needed this lesson to show me the way to go forward?

At least the 3 kids haven't had too much to do with him.

Sod relationships for a good while.

I need to calm the fuck down, make peace with myself and trust myself a lot more.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your responses & guidance are taken on board absolutely. I will read this thread over and over again to keep giving me strength.

Thanks again x

This man is deliberately and consistently trying to destroy your confidence (and it appears he is doing a good job). He is abusive and controlling. Breaking up with you is probably (from his point of view) temporary. He’s waiting for you to apologise, take the blame, and ask him to come back. Please don’t. The relationship won’t get better, and you won’t get better either.

I am guessing you are stronger than you think. You’ll survive this, but you’ll find your confidence for a new life a lot sooner if you get this guy permanently out of your life.

Go back to OLD, but mainly for chatting and distraction and maybe a date or two just now. It beats rubbish tele, but don’t get serious for a bit - or more than a bit. You need to recover from two very destructive and abusive relationships.

Try to remember that whatever this guy said, and however you have been treated, you aren’t a mess, pathetic, shit, or fucked up - or any of the other nasty lies that man has fed you. It’s clear from your post, even though we don’t know you and can’t see you. You’re pretty, you’re intelligent, you’re a great cook and a careful, capable mother. Any guy who gets to spend an evening with you is lucky. Play the field a bit - you’re also still young!

Try not to fall in love again any time soon. You have time.

Cross posted with your latest update.

Keep rereading not just the answers you have had here, but what you just wrote. You are giving yourself the best advice.

He is so fucked up. He’s been negging you for so long! Why does he constantly criticise you/your belongings? Something is wrong in every room? Sweetie, he is Abusive with a capital A. Get rid. You’re worth so much more, you’re only a youngster, you deserve lots more than this.

@IfIfitsIsits

I need to calm the fuck down, make peace with myself and trust myself a lot more.

Onwards and upwards! 🌹

I need to calm the fuck down, make peace with myself and trust myself a lot more.

Write that on an alarm on your phone and send it to your sled every day.

You are bloody awesome. Look what you've done! You've raised three kids, got them out of a shitty toxic home, kept them them safe and loved. You've got a home and a job and people who love you.

You are a survivor. And you're stronger than this knobhead is ever going to be because you don't need to rip people down to make yourself feel better.

You are a warrior.

@IfIfitsIsits Others have said far wiser things than I will. (I don't agree necessarily that you're not ready for a relationship per se.)

No one on earth would be ready for a relationship with an ocean-going arsehole like that one.

He is a frightful sadist and bully. But lots of men are neither. They would value you for your strengths and qualities, and take you for what you are: great woman, great mum, great professional; and be thrilled to think you two were in a relationship.

Blimey, lucky escape. With him being such a uber-knob, the scales at least have fallen from your eyes wholesale. Run away but don't worry about dismantling yourself and putting yourself back together. I feel you can well afford to have faith in who you already are. Draw on that for a while.

Some men can't appreciate a good woman, it's definitely not you. All you can do is learn from this and not to hold on to relationships that aren't working, be more in your power to say I'm more worthy than to treated badly.
So he split with you, don't do anything like trying to contact him again, heal from this and avoid anyone like him in future.

Why put so much precious time, thought and effort into someone who is so unpleasant?

Get him out of your life. He adds nothing and takes too much.

Please don't stay with this cunt and carrying on being treated so badly because of the fear of being single and lonely.

I think you actually need some time on your own as a single woman to work on you and your mental health.

You would benefit massively from counselling and doing the freedom programme.

When you are in a better place you'll find someone who's nicer than your exH/boyfriend.

Life's too short to let a man make you so miserable:start living your life for yourself not a man.

I think you need to take some time for you. Focus on you and what you need to heal from the trauma of these relationships. Learn to value yourself. There's no rush and there's nothing wrong with being single. Take control back and don't let any one treat you as less than again.

I'm four years out of my abusive marriage and it's taken all that time to sort my head out. It was painful at times, but I've done it. I too had crippling anxiety and depression. I am well enough now to come off meds.

You can do it too, you and your children will be happier for it. You are investing in a brighter future. Good luck.

The only thing I can add here is to remember that the only person who's behaviour you have any control over is your own. Everyone else is a law unto themselves.

A partner is not your recipe for a happy life - you are.

He did you a favour by breaking up with you because he really sounds like an awful, awful person.

I think you need to take a bit of time. Realise abusers/bullies behave like this because they are damaged - it is them NOT you.

maybe get some more therapy.

in time, when you’re ready you will meet someone else. There are good men out there (I promise) but you do need to work on your self esteem and believe that you deserve better.

Oh he sounds absolutely horrific OP. What a nasty piece of work.

When your feeling like things are tricky your partner should 'build you up', NOT tell you you're a 'fuck up'. What an absolute piece of he is.
He ruined your holiday.
F* him.

Take your lovely kids on holiday and erase the streak of p* from your memory.

He deserves not a second more of your lovely company or your precious time. Give it to your kids instead.

PS sorry for all the swearing but vile abusive men are a whole heap of exactly what's wrong in this world.

Wow OP I haven’t read the entire thread but just wanted to say you have described my ex! He was very critical, non committal and a nice word couldn’t come out of his mouth! Be glad he is history - what a wanker.

He's a horror, you deserve so much more and your children don't deserve to witness their mother being treated this way or have an abusive man be part of their childhood. Please, please get rid for all your sakes. Sending big hugs OP. Xx

You are worth more than you think you are. You're doing fantastically. You have now identified a second abuser who is actively trying to damage you and you are fighting back.

I know it's not easy coming out of relationships, even with shit people. I had the same; I got into a relationship with a man who raped me, while my abusive ex was stalking and harrassing me.

It's really hard to comprehend how truly evil some people are and worse, that we sort of know it, but carry on seeing them or wanting them to like us, or treat us decently. You keep trying because you're a decent person.

I would just start to work on what you want more of in your life: your children, your antidepressants, maybe a counsellor if you can. Wine when it helps a bit, but not so much it hurts you. A bit of peace.

You have a huge job with your children and coming out of abuse I know it felt unfair that there wasn't 'something for me', see if you can get somehow get some support with the children and carve out some things for yourself. (That bit is the hardest of all).

Oh, and wear your lovely dress, glasses and M&S trainers as often as you can, just to prove to yourself you are now in charge of your one-woman revolution against people who should be six foot under. We're all in the same revolution. You're doing amazingly. Xxxx

What beautifully worded responses from wonderful, supportive women

I really think you need some counselling to help you move on. PTSD is quite possible but you need a professional opinion.

Your ex-H was obviously a wanker, but your recent boyfriend sounds like a wanker too.

Just take some time out, stop dating wankers, focus on yourself and your kids. And I hope you will be OK.