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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend pressuring me to move in....

113 replies

beetgeet · 19/06/2022 18:11

We have been together a year in a few days.
He rents a flat and I rent my flat.
He spends a lot of time here and says it's a waste of money.
He caused a massive argument because I said I wanted to wait till the end of the year to move in.
He said he doesn't see the point in this relationship unless he moves in now and we must clearly want different things.
I do love him,I just don't want to move in together yet.
He keeps banging on about money and how much we would save.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
WomanHere · 19/06/2022 18:17

He has made it clear, he wants to reduce his bills and sees you moving in as a way to do that. What do you want? Only do what you want.

Musti · 19/06/2022 18:18

Stick to your guns. There is no rush.

Daleksatemyshed · 19/06/2022 18:18

A happy relationship is about many things but money should only be a small part of it. He seems very focussed on saving money- surely you'd like a man who talks about love not money?

KangarooKenny · 19/06/2022 18:19

You don’t want to move in together yet, you said it yourself. So don’t. And if he continues to bang on about it I’d be concerned for the future, that he’s not listening to what you want.

Mumdiva99 · 19/06/2022 18:21

I had a relationship similar....although unwashed the one pushing to speed things up. (I wanted to move and didn't want to have to do it twice.) - with hindsight he should have said no. I should have realised we were at different stages in life. Needless to say we moved in together and it didn't work out. (If I had bought my own place then I could have saved thousands as prices rose astronomically in the couple of years I was with him.)

Bananalanacake · 19/06/2022 18:23

I would always say to boyfriends I wasn't prepared to even talk about moving in until we'd been together at least 5 years, if they didn't like it they could fuck off, no way was I giving up my personal space and sharing it with some snoring, farting, stinking-the-toilet-out man. You need to be clear on what you want.

MzHz · 19/06/2022 18:26

This is a stinking great red flag 🚩

you’ve only known him a year and he’s not listening to you.

with my huge amount of hindsight, I’d advise ending it. This isn’t someone you want to live with, he’ll end up controlling everything

Bollindger · 19/06/2022 18:26

This bloke seems to think he matters more than you.
This is not good. Does he help, does he do nice things for you?

2bazookas · 19/06/2022 18:31

He wants to save HIS money (rent and bills) by becoming your cocklodger.

Once he gets his feet under the table you serve his meals on he'll dictate more and more demands you're expected to obey.

Don't let him move in. You'll regret it.

Ariel890s · 19/06/2022 20:11

I personally don’t see it being a problem if your basically ‘living’ together now what’s the difference? ok it may seem like he’s pressurising you but what do you really want it’s not fair on both of you if you want different things it’s clearly not going to work is it

EsmeGythaMagrat · 19/06/2022 20:20

More red flags than a communist rally. Run for the hills.

ZekeZeke · 19/06/2022 20:31

Hmmm I'm not so sure.
He is practically living at yours already so it would make sense to move in and save money.
You are together a year, so it's a serious relationship?
What's the difference between now and the end of the year? What will have changed between now and then.
If this was reversed I think the answers would be different, that the boyfriend wasn't serious, didn't see you as long term relationship.

Before moving forward obviously finances etc would need to be discussed.

Fireflygal · 19/06/2022 20:35

Please listen to posters, you have made a reasonable request and it caused a massive row. Massive red flag.

It's his way or the highway. He is the type of man who turns on you when he doesn't get his own way. I suspect he would be worse if you were commited such as marriage, house ownership or a baby.

Please take onboard that he shouldn't have reacted so badly

Ariel890s · 19/06/2022 20:37

Totally agree with you 👍🏻

Ariel890s · 19/06/2022 20:37

ZekeZeke · 19/06/2022 20:31

Hmmm I'm not so sure.
He is practically living at yours already so it would make sense to move in and save money.
You are together a year, so it's a serious relationship?
What's the difference between now and the end of the year? What will have changed between now and then.
If this was reversed I think the answers would be different, that the boyfriend wasn't serious, didn't see you as long term relationship.

Before moving forward obviously finances etc would need to be discussed.

Totally agree 👍🏻

Wombat27A · 19/06/2022 20:45

That's the thing, isn't it? Be fine if you said maybe & he said fine. No worries.

Berating you does not bode well.

Don't marry a tight bloke. Even if they are lovely, it's very stressful.

OurChristmasMiracle · 19/06/2022 20:51

I would be even more sure that I didn’t want him
to move in from his reaction. You’ve actually given him a reasonable timeline- it’s not like you’ve said not for 10 years and the fact that he is trying to manipulate you into agreeing by saying he doesn’t see the point in a relationship otherwise is a massive red flag

I would put money on him either being behind with rent, due to be evicted or looking to only pay towards food and maybe gas/electric because “you were paying the rent before anyway so it hasn’t changed”.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/06/2022 20:56

ZekeZeke · 19/06/2022 20:31

Hmmm I'm not so sure.
He is practically living at yours already so it would make sense to move in and save money.
You are together a year, so it's a serious relationship?
What's the difference between now and the end of the year? What will have changed between now and then.
If this was reversed I think the answers would be different, that the boyfriend wasn't serious, didn't see you as long term relationship.

Before moving forward obviously finances etc would need to be discussed.

The difference is that the OP doesn't want to do it yet.

What might have changed by December is that she could have realised that he's very demanding and domineering in more than just how he gets to save money and how fast their relationship moves. So she might not want to do it at all as result of the extra time showing his reactions to hearing the word 'no'.

ShandaLear · 19/06/2022 21:19

Is his tenancy up soon? Because moving in with you would save him having to look for another place. Regardless, you’re not ready and he’s not listening to you.

ZekeZeke · 19/06/2022 21:21

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/06/2022 20:56

The difference is that the OP doesn't want to do it yet.

What might have changed by December is that she could have realised that he's very demanding and domineering in more than just how he gets to save money and how fast their relationship moves. So she might not want to do it at all as result of the extra time showing his reactions to hearing the word 'no'.

Show quote history

I understand that but if thisbwas the other way round posters would be saying if he doesn't know after a year cut your losses, walk now, don't waste any more time on this guy

__

KindChick · 19/06/2022 21:22

As others have said his reaction is way too much and a massive red flag. He seems to be focused on saving money by moving in - I wonder if you have discussed how things will be budgeted and paid for when (or if) you do move in together. Saying you want to wait until end of the year is really realistic and if he does love you it shouldn’t be an issue, it does concern me re this side of him that’s coming out now.

Bigsenoritata · 19/06/2022 21:26

MzHz · 19/06/2022 18:26

This is a stinking great red flag 🚩

you’ve only known him a year and he’s not listening to you.

with my huge amount of hindsight, I’d advise ending it. This isn’t someone you want to live with, he’ll end up controlling everything

I agree.

FlowerArranger · 19/06/2022 21:31

He spends a lot of time here and says it's a waste of money

How much does he contribute at the moment to compensate you for food, toiletries and utilities? Is he a tightwad? Does he do his fair share of housework when he stays over? Do you fear he might become a cocklodger if he moves in full-time?

LightDrizzle · 19/06/2022 21:34

How much do you know about each other’s finances?
His overreaction would make me wonder about debts or a gambling or other expensive habit.
Does he have children?

Him suggesting moving in together isn’t a red flag but his reaction is. I’d want to get to the bottom of it.

bellac11 · 19/06/2022 21:34

ZekeZeke · 19/06/2022 21:21

I understand that but if thisbwas the other way round posters would be saying if he doesn't know after a year cut your losses, walk now, don't waste any more time on this guy

__

Show quote history

Absolutely, the usual dramatic replies of 'red flags' blah blah blah

He is simply setting out his stall and setting his boundaries. Either move in with him (personally I wouldnt, I would prefer my space and independence) or end the relationship as he says

You need to find someone with a like mind, someone a bit more independent like you are.