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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend pressuring me to move in....

113 replies

beetgeet · 19/06/2022 18:11

We have been together a year in a few days.
He rents a flat and I rent my flat.
He spends a lot of time here and says it's a waste of money.
He caused a massive argument because I said I wanted to wait till the end of the year to move in.
He said he doesn't see the point in this relationship unless he moves in now and we must clearly want different things.
I do love him,I just don't want to move in together yet.
He keeps banging on about money and how much we would save.
I don't know what to do

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/06/2022 21:35

Wow it's so romantic! He can't live without you... or maybe he can't live without your financial contributions.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/06/2022 00:51

Maybe he's getting evicted or losing his place and needs you to house him

sjpkgp1 · 20/06/2022 01:31

LTB - someone had to say it.....

2catsandhappy · 20/06/2022 03:26

I think @OurChristmasMiracle has hit the nail on the head.
I would like to know how you have been sharing the finances and chores when he is staying at yours. Why is he bullying you and trying emotional blackmail?
I am glad you started this thread. It shows you know something is very wrong here.

TwilightSkies · 20/06/2022 03:37

Don’t do it OP. He doesn’t care about your feelings. A year isn’t a long time at all, you don’t really know him. He’s starting to reveal his true self to you.

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 20/06/2022 03:40

If someone is pressuring you like this at a very early stage in the relationship to do what he wants and ignoring your feelings, I would run a fucking mile. And then run some more.

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 20/06/2022 03:42

Financial reasons are never a good enough reason to live with someone or even stay with them if already living together!

He is being controlling already, red flag central. Sorry OP.

You say no. Clearly. Not ready. If he accepts this maybe you can move forward, and he will respect you enough to wait for you to bring the idea up again when you do feel ready. If he doesn't respect what you say, you have your answer loud and clear.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2022 03:45

He said he doesn't see the point in this relationship unless he moves in now and we must clearly want different things.

Rubbish taking itself out. Saying no to a man is generally a very good way to tell if he's a wanker. Seems like this one is.

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 20/06/2022 03:50

What's the difference between now and the end of the year? What will have changed between now and then. If this was reversed I think the answers would be different, that the boyfriend wasn't serious, didn't see you as long term relationship.

Ummm... the OP would know him better and might actually want to live with him! Or not. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You think it's ok for him to pressure her to do it when she's said she doesn't want to?

And no, people wouldn't say a boyfriend was "not serious" if he didn't want to move in together at this very early stage. It's frankly bonkers to even consider this when you've known someone such a short time and many women would run a mile from a man who even suggested it, and vice versa!!

OP - ignore this craziness from certain posters who would move in with someone they met a few months back just because "why not?" 😵‍💫🙄 and trust your instincts. Do not do it until/ unless you want to. Him pressuring you is a big no and you need to make that absolutely clear if this has any future (although personally tbh I'd dump him like a hot potato).

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 20/06/2022 03:51

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2022 03:45

He said he doesn't see the point in this relationship unless he moves in now and we must clearly want different things.

Rubbish taking itself out. Saying no to a man is generally a very good way to tell if he's a wanker. Seems like this one is.

Put so beautifully succinctly, as always!

ImustLearn2Cook · 20/06/2022 04:12

@beetgeet I agree with pp that say his reaction is a red flag.

The only reason to move in together is if both partners genuinely want to live together and not just to save money.

One partner who doesn’t want to shouldn’t get a response that is angry or dismissive or manipulative from the partner who wants to.

It’s a big decision to make that changes your way of life and no one gets to force that kind of change.

And I would say that to anyone male or female.

Original poster
beetgeet · 20/06/2022 09:55

I just wanted to make sure
Him giving up his flat is a big step and I wanted to be certain it was going to work.
At the minute he doesn't contribute at all
He doesn't do any washing up /tidying up/cooking etc at mine
I have to do everything even tho he makes a mess

OP posts:
DenholmElliot1 · 20/06/2022 10:03

Years ago, people used to live together as a kind of "trial marriage" to see whether or not they were compatible.

Nowadays, it all seems to be about finances. Not very romantic lol.

Would you marry him if he asked? Coz if you wouldn't marry him, why would you even live with him.

aNCforjune · 20/06/2022 10:10

Trust your gut OP. It will be a lot harder to split/get rid of him if you need to once he's living in your house. Don't move in with anyone if you're not sure you want to or if there's pressure for do so.

RandomMess · 20/06/2022 10:22

Time for a discussion about chores and mental load now let alone when he would move in.

Perhaps do a 6 week trial before he hands his notice in?

RandomMess · 20/06/2022 10:23

The pressure and reason would be a red flag to me tbh.

First year and he's being his best self which isn't exactly that great?

SunshineAndFizz · 20/06/2022 10:27

His reaction is the most worrying part. Stick to your guns.

In my experience, people who are mean spirited with money are mean spirited in other ways too.

Triffid1 · 20/06/2022 10:28

beetgeet · 20/06/2022 09:55

I just wanted to make sure
Him giving up his flat is a big step and I wanted to be certain it was going to work.
At the minute he doesn't contribute at all
He doesn't do any washing up /tidying up/cooking etc at mine
I have to do everything even tho he makes a mess

Well, you answered the questions I was going to ask.

I think its perfectly reasonable for one person to want to go faster than the other and if it doesn't work for both, the relationship will end. But it's JUSt about finances (and chores) for him isn't it? You're doing all the work so of course he loves that.

Has he made any suggestions re how bills will split. Or is it going to be a case of "well, me living here won't cost you very much more than you're already paying so I'll pay the difference between your single person's council tax and a bit of the food shopping and that will be fine."

Time to move on. No one should feel pressure din relationship.

SunshineAndFizz · 20/06/2022 10:28

No one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a place to live Grin

Itwasntmeright · 20/06/2022 10:39

Please ignore all the people on here saying you’ve got nothing to lose. I can’t believe so many posters would be telling you to move in with someone who you aren’t ready to move in with, and more importantly, somebody who does not listen to you when you say no.

somebody who won’t respect your boundaries and won’t listen to your no is not someone you want to be living with. What will be the next thing he decides you aren’t allowed to say no to? People who disregard your no and don’t think you should be allowed boundaries don’t just do it once, because people who have respect for you wouldn’t do it at all.

yellowsmileyface · 20/06/2022 10:40

If this was reversed I think the answers would be different, that the boyfriend wasn't serious, didn't see you as long term relationship.

Men and women aren't the same, so the old "if it was the other way 'round!" argument is meaningless. There is a power imbalance between men and women, which is what makes the boyfriend's behaviour such a red flag.

Honestly, I think one year is very early to be moving in together.

His response of basically giving OP an ultimatum (not seeing the point in the relationship if they don't move in NOW), is very manipulative and controlling. Not a good sign at all.

I'd consider leaving him to be honest, or at least putting an indefinite pause on the moving in plan.

Inthesameboatatmo · 20/06/2022 10:41

He's a cocklodger

pbj · 20/06/2022 10:45

beetgeet · 20/06/2022 09:55

I just wanted to make sure
Him giving up his flat is a big step and I wanted to be certain it was going to work.
At the minute he doesn't contribute at all
He doesn't do any washing up /tidying up/cooking etc at mine
I have to do everything even tho he makes a mess

You said you didn’t know what to do. I suggest you read your post above again and think what it would be like having him live at yours full time.

ConfusedByDesign · 20/06/2022 10:51

Trust your instincts.
It doesn't sound like you'll be happy when he moves in and you're doing all the chores and he's saving all the money.

goody2shooz · 20/06/2022 10:54

Oh God this is grim! He’s pushing you and threatening to end the relationship if you don’t move in together. (Into your flat yes?) He’s already doing nothing about clearing up his own mess AT YOUR PLACE even now, when he should be on his best behaviour! And you are asking us because you don’t really want to move in with him but are reluctant to actually say so to him…. another red flag. Trust your own gut response and stay living separately - or better still, dump his lazy manipulative ass and get a better partner!