Boyfriend pressuring me to move in....

[beetgeet]

We have been together a year in a few days.
He rents a flat and I rent my flat.
He spends a lot of time here and says it's a waste of money.
He caused a massive argument because I said I wanted to wait till the end of the year to move in.
He said he doesn't see the point in this relationship unless he moves in now and we must clearly want different things.
I do love him,I just don't want to move in together yet.
He keeps banging on about money and how much we would save.
I don't know what to do

@beetgeet I think you're completely right- I'd see 18 months as being the minimum a could should be seeing each other before they consider moving in together.

He sounds like he wouldn't be a good choice to live with and try and build a relationship with, anyway.

*couple

Stand firm OP. It's still early days. The fact he caused an argument and threatened to end the relationship if he didn't get his own way is a huge red flag. He's not listening to what you want at all.

Your update, saying he contributes nothing and doesn't help with the tidying, despite making a mess, it makes me think you two are not going to be compatible in the long run. If he's not doing anything to try and impress you now, then he's not going to suddenly turn in to partner-of-the-year when he moves in.

He said he doesn't see the point in this relationship unless he moves in now and we must clearly want different things
I do love him,I just don't want to move in together yet

The answer is there. He's telling you that if you don't want to move in together, it's over. And you don't want to move in together. So there you go. Nothing complicated here.

"At the minute he doesn't contribute at all"

What makes you think it'll be any different when you move in together?

In fact it's more likely to get worse as he feels he's got you 'trapped'. You'll feel obliged to make it work as you're now stuck together.

I also really don't like him not taking no for an answer. That never ever bodes well.

So his way or no way? What is he like about other decision making?

He doesn't do any washing up /tidying up/cooking etc at mine

So this is unlikely to change- ground rules are required here. One reason to resist.

Who will be saving money here, both if you or just him? Has he put a budget together so you can see exactly how much you both would be saving? How is planning on reducing his bills, by having you pay for everything?

Unless this is 💯 agreed do not do this and you are completely ready for this.

What do you love about him OP? Cus he sounds bloody awful.
How can you even enjoy having him stay at yours when he contributes nothing?
Him moving in would benefit him, not you.
He is literally telling you and showing you who he is and what his priorities are (himself) so you’d be best to take heed.

So this is how it starts. He is railroading you and ignoring your position. You're barely a year after meeting him, you're still deep in the honeymoon phase and yet he's pushing you to do something that you have been clear about not wanting or being ready for, for his own agenda.
Yes it will be cheaper for him to live in your flat, but that is absolutely thr last reason you should move in with someone.

You don't need to know any more about this bloke. He will get his feet under your table and make your life a misery if you let him. So don't. You're in a position to make a choice right now, when he's halves on all the bills and the rent and in your face 24/7 you'll have much less agency. Your gut knows already, catch your head up.

I have to do everything even tho he makes a mess

How does he respond why you say you don't want to live together because you are not compatible mess wise ?

Although really, this isn't about the moving in. The serious problem is how he reacts when you disagree about something.

A good general rule in life is to avoid doing anything, that someone tries to pressure you into doing.

Another great rule in relationships is to early on in the relationship, say no to something, just to see how the other person reacts.

All the signs are here, it would not be a good idea for you to move in now. He needs to stop pressurising you about anything and indicate that he can find a compromise so that if you ever move in. you are not the one doing all the household chores.

I only wish I had paid attention to this kind of thing when I was first in a relationship.

What's his place like, clean and tidy? Is he pushy in other areas of your relationship?

So what's the attraction of being with him at all?

He sounds like a lazy, entitled arse!

He's sponging off you now and he wants to do it even more.

Why you are putting up with him coming to your house, eating your food, raising your bills and making a mess of your own home is completely beyond me.

This!!!!

And there you go! You already have a taste of how much he's prepared to contribute and yet he's having the screaming ab dabs because you don't want this on a fulltime basis. Fuck that! Next!

Don't make the same mistake I made, I started seeing someone when I was 'on the rebound', I'd just come out of a long term relationship and he was in the final months of a 'messy' divorce, not used to being on his own and desperately wanting a new companion and I'd just come out of a long term relationship and felt lonely as my beloved dog had died soon after, we started dating in the February, were staying at each other's places each weekend by April and by the summer I'd moved in....he turned out to be a debtor, a drinker and had enough 'baggage' to fill an aeroplane 'hold' (but that's another story) needless to say I now have a place of my own again and even if start dating anyone else that, I'm afraid is the way it will stay, I'll never give up my independence for anyone again, it's far too valuable a commodity.

I generally resist if someone is pressuring me, just the fact that they are piling on the pressure means that they think I'll make a decision that they don't want if given time to think it over. Generally speaking people know if something they want might not be in your best interests, people who are selfish don't care about your best interests only their own.

In this specific case someone who genuinely cares for you might suggest moving in together and give you time to think about it, and back off if you seem resistant, because they want you to be happy. Someone who cares more about himself than you will increase the pressure, I bet he'll be implying that you're selfish soon, or outright stating it. If you give in now then you're basically telling him that he can always have his own way, all he has to do is keep bullying you until you give in. Plus, at the moment he's only in your flat with your temporary permission, if he gets too much you can tell him not to come over. If he moves in he will always be there, pressuring you every time you're in a room together, you won't ever get a break from him until you're doing what he wants. He's already set up a dynamic where you are his housemaid, he's not going to magically improve because you give in to his demands, he's going to get more demanding.

As my nan used to say - If in doubt go without.

You are stalling because you dont want this man child to be a permanent fixture. Please get out and find someone who wont leave you to do everything.

He's a lazy slob. Does he contribute to bills or food costs?

I’d never live with a man until there was a proper commitment in the form of an engagement and a date set

Even if he was a lazy freeloader?

Say no and mean it. He shouldn't be pressurising you when you've already said it's not what you want. If he doesn't "see the point in the relationship" if he can't move in then all the relationship is for him is a way to cut his expenditure! That's no basis for a healthy relationship.

He's trying to blackmail you - saying the relationship is over if you don't do what HE wants. This does not bode well for the future. He'll just continue to blackmail you on other occasions where he wants you to give in to his demands.

Needy red flag.

Didn’t see the rest of the posts. Wouldn’t even date this one.

Sounds like you're a good deal. He gets to save money, move into a warm home and get a maid, cook and lover for free. No wonder he wants to move in. Somehow your spidey senses are telling you that you're the one to loose in this arrangement. If I were you I would do a "trial arrangement": he moves in your place for a couple of months (but continues to keep his place). At the end of trial period you sit down with yourself and honestly ask if this is what you want for the rest of your life. If he's not willing to enter a "trial arrangement" it's clear his needs are more important than yours and this is not a sustainable relationship.