Boyfriend pressuring me to move in....

[beetgeet]

We have been together a year in a few days.
He rents a flat and I rent my flat.
He spends a lot of time here and says it's a waste of money.
He caused a massive argument because I said I wanted to wait till the end of the year to move in.
He said he doesn't see the point in this relationship unless he moves in now and we must clearly want different things.
I do love him,I just don't want to move in together yet.
He keeps banging on about money and how much we would save.
I don't know what to do

Totally agree with BlackAmericanoNoSugar.

If you agree to the ultimatum he has given you, you are putting him into a position of real power over you OP.

Realistically you will have agreed to suppress your own personal feelings, doubts and reservations by admitting that your feelings for him are more important. This sets a very unequal benchmark (in his favour) at the beginning of a significant change in your relationship.

Going forward, how will he use the power you have given him? You are experiencing his MO now as he is already trying to manipulate you into agreeing to something you don’t want. He is already taking advantage of your cooking, cleaning and tidying up after him and presumably eating the food you buy without making any contribution either financially or in offering any practical help. His reasons for him moving in with you all seem to be financial. Is he in secure employment? Does he have debts you don’t know about? Are you financially compatible?

Crucially he is telling you that his feelings for you are not as important as him forcing the issue on this. Will he threaten to leave if you don’t agree with him over the next disagreement?

Realistically if he felt the same way about you as you do him, he wouldn’t mind waiting those extra months and he wouldn’t be issuing ultimatums.

Whatever his intentions, he has shown that he values economic savings more than your feelings. Run a mile, OP!

All very good reasons not to have him move in with you (or vice versa). What's the rush anyway?

Stay as you are OP and, if he causes more fuss or threatens to split with you you know your gut reaction is right. 🌹

@beetgeet You've had some great advice here. I really hope you read it and listen and don't feel 'got at'. You're not doing anything wrong.

ime the biggest concern is that he doesn't take his equal share of the domestic load when he's at your place. It's not 'helping out' (that would imply it's your responsibility), it's being an equal adult in an equal relationship.

I also wonder whether you both feel able to sit down, and share your financial information, and your aspirations and expectations: salary, expenditure, bills, debts, car loans, holidays, meals out with friends... etc. What do you save? Do you save? Having a focus on saving money (by living together) doesn't make him inherently bad, but not being able to discuss it with you does.

I'd suggest that you never move in with someone until you know you are on the same page in terms of domestic equality, and on the same page in terms of financial compatibility and openess. In that context commitment, love, sex, happiness, joy, desire, laughter, can all flourish.

Stand firm OP! Your reasons for not wanting to move in yet are perfectly valid and he is wrong to pressure you. His lack of contribution (financial or practical) is also a worrying sign.

At the minute he doesn't contribute at all
He doesn't do any washing up /tidying up/cooking etc at mine

I have to do everything even tho he makes a mess

Yikes. Do not lose your flat, do not move him in. And reconsider this relationship.

No. He'll hand in his notice the moment that's suggested and lie about it so she's stuck with him refusing to leave at the end of it.

I had one turn up with a car hidden round the corner, on its knees with all his stuff in it. He announced that he'd given up his flat so we could live together. I'd already said no.

He was given a choice of sleeping in his car or at his mother's. He went to his mother's - and she couldn't get rid of him until she threatened to call the police and have him removed.

You don't give cuckoos/cocklodgers an inch.

OP it does not matter what any of us think and as you can see everyone's opinion is different. All that matter is what YOU think. If you do not want him to move in that is it. Regardless of what his reason may be to want to move in, you listen to your instincts. If he leaves you because of this, so be it.

Also, if he continues spending time in your house the least you should do is make him do some chores.

When I got married, I did not want to join accounts with my husband, but he pressured me into doing it. I never forgave myself for it and spent 25 years being financially abused by him. Like I said, listen to your instincts and only do what you feel is the right thing for you.

Disappointment is ok, threatening to finish is an over reaction and not nice.

When you actually are ready, Id be letting him basically move in on a trial basis but still keeping his flat for a few months in order to make sure he steps up to show you that you will be equals in the division of costs and chores. Make the cost of his retained rental a joint cost too for a while, so he has somewhere to go back too if it doesn’t work out.

No - FFS no!!!

This would be a really bad idea.

Once this cocklodger has his feet under the table, she'd find it extremely hard to get rid of him...

I personally would not do this. It would be like purposely walking into a trap and locking the doors or behind me...

Nothing to gain and too much to lose by the OP. And, again, where's the rush? 🌹

Cocklodger in waiting. He thinks him saving money is more important than your readiness to take this big shared step.

Don't let him move in. If you don't dump him and do want to test the waters, suggest you move into his flat. See how that goes. Keep you own! Dumping him still sounds best to me.

It's not like he is saying, I adore you and I want to spend more time with you, is it?
He's saying.
I would save on rent if I moved in with you. No I don't want to wait until you are ready. If you don't agree then there's no point in continuing this relationship and I will dump you.
I mean, he's not exactly selling the idea whilst he drops his socks all over your flat, and never clears up after himself either.
What does his flat currently look like?
And don't offer him a trial run of a few months either. ( why would he pay rent when he's living with you, this is his main reason for suggesting it after all) If you did that I would bet £100 that he would quietly give up his flat and would then have organised things the way he wanted.
Is this the only time when what he wants is more important than what you want OP?

So he wants to move in with you.

Has he mentioned how he thinks it’s going to work going forward regarding finances, bills, food costs, plus household chores, shopping etc.? Or is he assuming that it be the same as when he visits you? Ie. He’s the guest in your house.

What would happen if you suggest moving to his, or a new flat together?

I agree that a year is a stable relationship. However, for what ever reason, you don’t feel ready for this stage yet, which is fine, and he should respect this.

Don't do it. And stop letting him spend so much time at your house. I hope you didn't give him a key! Tell him that living together is a step you are not interested in taking right now, and as a matter of fact you only want him to come over 3x a week so you can have your personal time back.

If he balks at that and pressures you more, that is not respecting your boundaries. I would say tell him it's this way or he can bugger off and go date someone else. You will NOT be pressured into making a move or committing to anything until you are ready, and right now you feel dating only a year is not sufficient time. You can add in whatever else you want to say like "living together is not marriage and I don't want to be a shack up convenience for anyone" or "that sounds like a room mate situation where you want to split expenses to save money, not because you really want to progress this relationship. Your focus is wrong, so no". Say whatever you can say to back him up and make him rethink this. If he pouts so what, he'll live.

i said when she’s ready, not now. And judging by his actions now she may never be ready.

I was advocating keeping the door open to shove him back out again, even when she is ready, by making him keep his own place, in case she wants out.

Nope, what he actually means is that HE can save a lot of money, not you !

He wants to keep the 'cushy' set up of you running around doing all his 'life' work i.e cleaning/shopping/cooking/paying bills/laundry etc and at the same time HE gets to keep almost all his money too !

I'll bet he even says crap like 'Well, you'd be paying for the rent/bills anyway, so I'll just pay you whatever extra I use' which means HE wants to pay about 10% of your elec/gas/shopping/council tax, and keep the rest of his wages !

Nope !

Don't give up your lovely personal space for a man who will be just as messy and disrespectful (probably more so) once he gets his feet under the table. He has no right to demand you do so, it's your life and your home. Protect that, don't get swept along with what he wants - he sounds selfish. I'd probably finish it in your shoes but if you don't want to do that, at least hold off living together and pay attention to his behaviour and any red flags, or even just stuff you don't want to live with on a full-time permanent basis.

I beg you not to let him move in. There are so many warning signs here.

1. You don't want him to. That's the only reason you need, and you don't have to defend it.


2. He is pressuring you and bullying, threatening, shouting, manipulating you. He is not a good person. He doesn't respect your wishes. He wants to bully and manipulate you in to doing what he wants. Someone who loved you and wanted the best for you wouldn't do this.


3. It is abolsutely normal and reasonable to now want to move in with someone after a year, to not be certain where you want it to go. He has no right to threaten you and suggest you're being unreasonable.


4. He doesn't pull his weight at your house. It's tell he wants to move in with you. He wants to save money while you run around after him. if he doesn't clean, wash pots, cook, do food shops now, then he won't after he moves in either. He is looking for an easy life of being looked after, and saving money. All at your expense. Your life would get harder, and you would come to resent this selfish, lazy man who is just out for himself.


5. All the signs are it would be a terrible idea to let him move in. I'd also strongly suggest you shouldn't be with him at all. He is showing you that he only cares about his own needs and opinions and feelings. Yours are there to be trampled on and swept aside so he can get his own way (which is an easier, cheaper life). He is a user. He would get worse with time not better. You would end up stuck with this awful man in your lovely home. Not respecting you. Using you as his housekeeper.


6. Back to the start. Number 1. You don't want him to move in. That's all you need to know. And if he doesn't respect that then he doesn't respect you.

How I wish we could force our children to read these threads.
He is treating you like his maid/mum.
You don't live together but he thinks your so hooked, your doing everything, start asking him to help, ask him to wash up, or clean the bathroom.

You really must dump him beetgeet as there's a consensus here that he's a wrong 'un. If he blows up about something like this, doesn't pull his weight domestically, etc then it'll be a lot worse if you live together - you'll be trapped.

You may find it difficult to assert yourself but you must find the self-confidence do so. Life is much better alone than with a deadweight like this specimen. Or you'll be on here again in six months time in deeper despair.

All of this.

I wish this stuff was on the curriculum.

OP - are you still reading?
Are the responses you are getting making sense?
Do you need more help to assert your boundaries (and/or get rid of him...)