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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Father's Day - DH out for the day, unnanounced

302 replies

19Bears · 19/06/2022 17:38

Would you be annoyed if you got up this morning to a text from your DH saying he'd gone out for the day, and hadn't said a word about his plans, bearing in mind it's Father's Day? The kids had written his card and wrapped his presents, and he's gone off without saying a word. He has taken to this recently, going off to gigs etc and only letting me know once he's actually on the bus. Today's text takes the biscuit though as all it says is, "Leeds." Nothing else. I couldn't give a monkeys, and we have a much better time without him, but wouldn't you at least expect him to want to spend the day with his children? Also, my brother is in a care home after leaving hospital and I was hoping to go and see him tonight which I now won't do.....Or am I being oversensitive. If I'm not overreacting to this, I'm going to use this as the last straw and text back telling him this is where it ends. I will not live a half life, accomodating his trips away, so he can return home as if he's a teenager coming back to his mum without taking any responsibility as a parent himself. Not to mention all the other things that are wrong, which you'll know about if you've seen other threads of mine.

OP posts:
Lovemypeaceandquiet · 20/06/2022 08:36

What a bastard! And yesterday the OP was feeling guilty as he’s got nowhere to go. He can get fucked. Don’t let him guilt trip you.

Hope you’re ok today @19Bears ! 💐

I know it must be hard to start a new week after having to deal with this crap all Sunday, but you got it! Keep your head up, you’re taking steps towards freedom for you & your kids.

Do you know what to do next?

Frazzled2207 · 20/06/2022 08:39

I think some men will have genuinely forgotten it is Father’s Day (my own dh for one) however waking up to a text with a missing dh and a text just saying “Leeds” is unless there are exceptional circumstances grounds for divorce. Sorry OP.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 20/06/2022 08:40

I’d message him back saying you’d packed his bags and he could collect them later !

Soangrynow · 20/06/2022 08:43

I’m so sorry OP, this is completely abnormal behaviour. No surprise he’s blaming you.

Be strong and part ways. Your life will be better without him in it!

diddl · 20/06/2022 08:43

Idontgiveashitanymore · 20/06/2022 08:40

I’d message him back saying you’d packed his bags and he could collect them later !

Can Op just kick him out though?

AnneButNotHathaway · 20/06/2022 08:44

I would be sooo annoyed!! I'd be petty af and make a whole smartshow 3d Fathers day vid with a message like STAY THERE in the end then block him on everything. This would be a clear deal breaker for me.

Runnerduck34 · 20/06/2022 08:45

He is showing total lack of respect for you and your children.
His actions are completely selfish and totally being unreasonable.
It sounds like this is an ongoing issue so honestly I think you would be better off emotionally without him. Financially it may be harder but I would be contacting a solicitor. It's not fair on you and your DC to continue like this.

whatstheteamarie · 20/06/2022 08:46

You just need to tell him that there's no point playing the blame game, your marriage is over as neither of you are happy.

Agree to a no fault divorce and start living the life that you want.

Better things await you OP (they surely can't be worse!)

BadNomad · 20/06/2022 08:47

She can't kick him out. She can't change the locks. She can't dump all his clothes in the street. But she can tell him it's over and mean it. She can start divorce precedings. She can contact a solicitor to get the financial side sorted.

Bumtum126 · 20/06/2022 08:48

I've had a look through your other threads , hope you get some help from this one. This has been going on for years , your family, Mumsnet and you have been to a councillor , all points to the same thing . You know and want to leave but the fear of doing so is holding you back. If your husband was in the same place he would have gone years ago he doesn't care about you , why do you care about him.

YetAnotherNameChange111 · 20/06/2022 08:51

Who is the "us" when he says "cold towards us"?

ZombieMumEB · 20/06/2022 08:53

Ignore his emotional manipulation - you are so much better off without him.

Sending you strength to pack his things and to change the locks.

JuneOsborne · 20/06/2022 08:55

Dude, you've posted about this before, haven't you?

What the hell are you playing at. Just agree to spilt. It doesn't have to be horrible, or nasty, just final. Neither of you seem happy, neither of you seem like a team, neither of you seem to want to be together.

Just call it a day. I'll put money on you feeling a 100% better once it's finally done. And you won't be living with all this uncertainty, or feelings of inadequacy! You'll be free.

MumbleAlwaysMumble · 20/06/2022 08:56

He has a go at you because you went to see a counsellor??

And he thinks it’s ok to punish his own dcs because he has an issue with you? Hurt them because he thinks it will hurt you more than anything else?

Come on @19Bears dont accept that.
Id ignore his answer and ignore him as much as you can.
But go and see a lawyer asap. See what you can do to kick him out of the house. prepare yourself and then just tell him. That you want a divorce and you want him out.

Yes I’m sure he will be a pain in the arse. He will try and make you feel guilty. I have no doubt he might actually try and use the dcs. It doesn’t matter. That will just say everything there is to say about HIM, not about you.

You can do it :):)

goody2shooz · 20/06/2022 09:03

So what does he have to do to before you go to the solicitor and get the divorce process started? How many more years will you sit there raging about him and letting your dc watch this shitshow of a relationship?

Bollindger · 20/06/2022 09:12

Texted him back this as a reply.
Father's Day is when children get to spend a special day with their dad, a loving day your children mattered so much to you that you went Leeds.

fernglass · 20/06/2022 09:15

Agree with pps about not replying or getting into an argument about who did what, who is to blame. Just focus on moving forward, the practicalities of making a new life with your children. If he needs to apportion blame or talk about what went wrong he can go for counselling.

I've been in a similar relationship, exh always off doing his own thing, and ended up with him having an affair, but he still blames me. I think he just feels I didn't deserve to have any boundaries. Your dh's text reminded me of this - it was like I was an employee and ex thought it was unreasonable that I didn't just get on with my job of being his PA. More fool me for putting up with him for so long, but it is a huge relief to have my own life back and not have to tiptoe around a man like that.

ancientgran · 20/06/2022 09:17

DFOD · 20/06/2022 07:55

This.

No need for confrontation.

Just decide you are incompatible.

No need to argue, defend, shout, rage blame and shame.

Just that it’s done and the most productive thing is to separate your lives in the most emotionally comfortable way for you and your DCs.

Do you have a list of actions to make this happen? Make one call / take one action today to get the ball rolling.

Your DCs need you 100% focused on them as they don’t have two engaged parents so you can’t be preoccupied with him and the resentment and frustration of this dead relationship.

If he needs to finger point and lob the “its all your fault, you brought it on yourself” to feel better about leaving - then let him “have” that.

I hope that you will find a sense of release and peace once you have emotionally detached in your head and committed to moving on to a better place.

Very sensible post.

OP is unhappy, her husband is unhappy. Arguing about who started it etc gets no one any further forward. It is clearly over.

LakieLady · 20/06/2022 09:21

What a selfish twat.

Time to lawyer up, I reckon. Unless he's ok with moving out so you can divorce by consent after 2 years.

Honeyroar · 20/06/2022 09:24

Hope you’re ok OP.

failing40s · 20/06/2022 09:29

Oh OP I remember you post about starting the conversation by text. I am in a similar (although really not as awful as yours) situation and I know how hard it is and how scary it feels to bite the bullet.

Please, please just message him back to say it is over and you are going to be starting divorce proceedings today. Don't place blame, don't get into a slanging match. Just say you are very sad that it hasn't worked out but it is best for everyone, particularly the children to split up.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 20/06/2022 09:32

Don't get in to a text argument with him it's pointless. Just text back saying you want a divorce

19Bears · 20/06/2022 09:34

Thanks again everyone. I am work and exhausted so will reply properly when I can. He got home at 6am and lay snoring on the couch while I got the kids up and ready for school. Yep, I'm bringing this aaaaaalll on myself....
I really appreciate all the advice xx

OP posts:
MGMidget · 20/06/2022 09:35

You mentioned its been going on for years. He’s disappeared on Father’s day. My immediate thought was does he have a child from another relationship? I think, like the others on here, that your relationship is over but you might have to brace yourself for the next bombshell of another child or children somewhere. Do you see all his outgoings in a joint bank account or does he have a separate acount that you don’t see?

Good luck, I am also in a failing relationship too so very sympathetic.

You need to get some legal advice quick. I rhink there is still some uncertainty over how costs of divorce are to be split under the new no fault system so I would be inclined not to respond to his text with a demand for a divorce but say nothing and get legal advice first so you dont risk being saddled with all the divorce costs.

noirchatsdeux · 20/06/2022 09:37

Ignore all those telling you to pack his bags and have them waiting outside for when he gets back - if you jointly own the family home, if he is on the mortgage and you are married, you can't do that.

As my 1st husband found out from a solicitor on the Monday morning after I told him I wanted a divorce on the Saturday night. Until the financial agreement had been signed by both of us I had every right to live there as much as he had.

You need legal advice asap.

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