Sick of DH touching me whenever he feels like it

[PinkPiranha11]

I’ve seen a few threads like this before on MN so I don’t think I’m alone but would appreciate your thoughts…. So in bed this morning DH this morning started touching my leg through my pyjamas and then starting rubbing my crotch. I’m on my period, which he knows, and he knows sex wouldn’t be on the agenda for me when I’m on my period. The kids had just vacated our bedroom (having popped in for a chat after they woke up), and I’m reading a news article on my phone in bed fully clothed in pyjamas . It was very clear that this wasn’t a “sex” situation.

I removed his hand and said “not now” and two minutes later he starts again. Now I’m pissed off and I say “It really pisses me off when you touch me whenever you like, you can’t just put your hands on my vagina whenever you want.” (I’m a fairly direct sort of person!)

He then huffs about it, saying he’d love it if I just grabbed his bits whenever I liked. I repeat that this situation is not about him, it’s about me. I can see from his face he literally doesn’t get it, can’t empathise etc. He says “I’m not a rapist”, rolls over and goes back to sleep. He’s been huffy ever since. WTF!?!

He has form for this kind of thing and it’s a discussion we’ve had before when he’ll just stroke my boob if I’m wearing a scoop neck top (only in private I add!) or grab my bum when I’m unloading the dishwasher.

It really offends me and massively makes me not want to have sex with him ever again. Things are pretty ropey from my point of view in our marriage right now - no abuse or anything like that -just lack of interest from me, feeling a bit stuck and sick of being his facilitator in general. I’m kind of staying for the kids right now and the security but I’m committed to not leaving the marriage at the moment.

Any advice? I don’t feel I can’t ask anyone IRL about this, all my friends seem to have perfect relationships.

So you’ve repeatedly asked him to stop but he ignores you.

Your marriage is unhappy, you are living with a man who uses and abuses you but you don’t want to leave

Im sorry, I don’t know what advice to give you. You can’t make him stop, I can’t make him stop - what can anyone else say?

The only way to fix this is to leave.

He actually does give off rapey vibes.

You need to leave

Gross. He gropes you repeatedly when he knows you don’t like it. You’ve said ‘I don’t like that’ and he just does it again.

Don’t stay for the kids. Split up for the kids. Even if you’re an Oscar winner they’ll feel the tension of a mum forced to live with a gross horrible man. Split up and give them a happy and relaxed home where you can unload the dishwasher without this throwback from the cavemen pawing you. It would make me sick.

You're right there are quite a few threads like this, which is rather depressing. Most of the women have said they hate feeling like they're a piece of meat. It's not only the fact that he seems to feel entitled to your body but the fact that he carries on doing it after you say no. There's always the risk that he can take it too far. He doesn't sound like he's going to stop so the only way to stop it is to leave him.

I think you could both benefit from some therapy to be honest, a serious chat at the very least. He shouldn't grope you when you tell him not to but to be honest I wouldn't be that bothered if my husband gave my breast a discreet rub in private. Physical contact has a place in a loving relationship, I don't think it's so wrong of him to touch you without first asking every single time. Are you having sex at the moment? How is it instigated?

Well all you can do (short of leave) is sit him down at a neutral moment and lay down the rules - it might work.

However it does sound like you need to make some long term plans, like pull all your financials and see a solicitor. There is no excuse for his behaviour but it sounds like you are both miserable, would it not make sense to try and find a way to finish it up? Or if you don’t want to do that have some marriage counselling to try and improve things. Otherwise you are facing long slow decay really.

Grab his nuts and twist. Tell him you were only being affectionate..
Urgh my exh was like this. Grabbing me while I did the dishes and asking if there was any chance of a shag.
Grim op.

He says “I’m not a rapist”, rolls over and goes back to sleep.

He knows this is wrong @PinkPiranha11 . That's why he said that. Because he knows that what he did was 'rapey' - sexual assault, and that's why it can be compared to rape.

Well all you can do (short of leave) is sit him down at a neutral moment and lay down the rules - it might work.

She already did, and he ignored it, ignored her no.

There's always the risk that he can take it too far.

He already has.

Are you sure it's the right thing to stay? It sounds miserable to me...

So because he’s not raped you that means it’s ok to touch you sexually without your permission? What a stupid, false equivalence. It’s also stupid for him to say he’d like it if the situation was reversed - just because he would doesn’t mean you would, have you asked him if he understands the concept of humans being different as individuals and having different tastes??

Hi, I’ve been in this situation and it is awful.
I left my partner in the end because of that and other selfish self entitled things he did.

I look back now and realise the damage it’s done I can’t bare being touched by anyone and have decided I will never get into a relationship again because of the groping and the way it has devalued me.

I was like you and made excuses for his behaviour but I knew deep down it was over as he physically made me cringe and as a result I lost all respect for him.

I now live with my son and my dog and I am very happy and comfortable in my space again.
Im not saying it’s easy it can be a struggle but mentally it’s the best feeling ever.

please don’t allow this to be your story, it does a lot of damage. Get yourself and kids into a happy relaxing home and you will feel like a different person.
Good luck x

Let's be honest, most men do this, don't they?

Unfortunately I suspect he knows he is on shaky grounds.

Youve been extremely clear to him. You’ve been direct but he thinks it’s still ok to carry on touching you…. So that’s not working.

Assuming he is a nice enough bloke that can be enlightened…..

You might try to sit down with him again and ask him why he is carrying on. He need to be clear as to WHY he thinks it’s ok. Does he think that it’s because you’re his wife? It’s just a nice thing to do? That’s what couples do? The bottom line is that he is doing it because he thinks he can. And that you are supposed to support his wants rather than him having to listen to you. But it might give him the lightbulb moment he needs?

You might try and write him a letter telling him how you feel when he is acting like that. Telling him EXACTLY who it make you feel. Like a piece of meat. Only there to satisfy his needs. No care for your feelings etc… Laying it thick on how it makes you feel crap because he isn’t respecting your NO. Again maybe clutching at straws that seen it in writing might work better than words. (Less emotional charge).

Re the dishwasher, I would turn round an say
‘Oh I can see you have some spare hands. Can you finish that please?’ And give him the dirty plate/sponge and walk away.
EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Do they??

Is that anormal behaviour that we should accept form men? That it’s ok to not respect their partner.
I know we are living in a sexist society but there are some limits!!

(And btw, no. Not all men behave that way.)

My ex husband was like this. Even groped me when l was kneeling on the floor putting in a video tape (yep, that long ago) and when l had a leg in plaster and was crawling up the stairs on all fours.
Stuff like this is a big part of why he's an ex. It's creepy and disrespectful.
And no, in my experience, 'most men' don't do this. I've never been with anyone else who did.

No, they really don't!
Sex pests do though. Not all men are sex pests.

I have another view. I don't think it is creepy or disrespectful. He is your partner and he fancies you. My partner does this and I have no issue at all , but I love and fancy my partner. If you don't think you do anymore then maybe that is the problem ?

Yes they do my partner does - Men who still fancy their partners do that is. My ex never did but I don't think he liked me very much and I didn't like him much either!

Early winner in the Low Bar Stakes from Ascot

Did thread like this in Relationships always deteriorate so quickly, or is it just lately?

I wonder if your husband can sense you are checking out of the relationship and that is why he is trying (very badly) to reconnect.

The old adage 'men need sex to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to have sex'.

I also wonder if you fact your feelings for him are diminishing amplify your discomfort of his gropings.

I think there is only one way to stop this and that's to split up.