Just had a WhatsApp from my colleagues wife

[BlueMoone]

I work in a freelance creative industry (TV production) where I will be contracted on a project for a finite amount of time. My current role is 16 weeks and I'm 6 weeks in. I'm self employed and very very pleased to have the contract as sometimes I go a couple of months between contracts and have to budget to make the money stretch the whole year. Being self employed I don't get holiday pay or anything like that (just demonstrating how precious the work is to me.)

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

This job was the first time I had met this guy, usually you work with people on the circuit but I hadn't come across him before. We get in great, he's 15 years older than me but seems young in his outlook and we have enjoyed chatting and having a laugh at work.

He told me about how he met his wife online and got her pregnant on their second date and now they're married and their child is about six months old. FWIW I live with my long term partner. He would sometimes tell me how his wife and he would argue but always in a jokey tone, he probably did share too much but not just about his relationship about loads of stuff - mostly just idle chat as we worked.

This evening I have received a WhatsApp from his wife (must have taken my number from his phone) telling me to stop calling him, he's a married man and he has a child and I need to back off and stay away from her husband. I had a missed call from him yesterday evening, called back assuming a work thing and he didn't pick up. Wasn't mentioned at work today I didn't think anything of it.

What do I reply? I don't want things to be awkward at work and don't want to put my job in jeopardy by giving the impression at work we are not being professional. We are doing a good job with good feedback. Should I message my colleague and tell him?

@22N

But she wouldn’t know who it was. It doesn’t make sense.

Why? My partner knows my clients names because I mention them in conversation when we are just chatting about our day etc. He knows the names of other freelancers I work with for the same reason. That's completely normal and makes perfect sense!

The message from your PM sounds somewhat reassuring. Guarded, obviously as questions have been raised.

I can’t see it. In all the TV shows and films I’ve worked on there are literally dozens of crew. Unless the partner was also in the industry they wouldn’t make head or tail of the roles or names.

This

I can’t see it. In all the TV shows and films I’ve worked on there are literally dozens of crew. Unless the partner was also in the industry they wouldn’t make head or tail of the roles or names.

I'm not sure how you can't see it when multiple people are telling you it's the case.

And OP says this:

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

So it's very likely the people he mentions properly are her (who he's paired with) and the senior members of staff which would include the PM.

And maybe she does work in the industry.

The fact is, it's very possible he's mentioned the people she then knows the names of and can look in his phone for.

So it's strange to keep saying you don't believe it could be true / can't see it.

I can’t see it. In all the TV shows and films I’ve worked on there are literally dozens of crew. Unless the partner was also in the industry they wouldn’t make head or tail of the roles or names.

I'm not sure how you can't see it when multiple people are telling you it's the case.

And OP says this:

My role involves being paired with another freelance professional and the two of us work together in an edit suite reporting to senior members of staff but essentially it's just the two of us for the vast majority of the day.

So it's very likely the people he mentions properly are her (who he's paired with) and the senior members of staff which would include the PM.

And maybe she does work in the industry.

The fact is, it's very possible he's mentioned the people she then knows the names of and can look in his phone for.

So it's strange to keep saying you don't believe it could be true / can't see it.

I can't work out if you are being deliberately dense.

You really can't imagine that man chats to wife about job, she understands how job works, he says this week my PM is Sally Smith and I'm editing with Polly Jones she is able to look at his phone for both phone numbers

How is that hard to imagine?

Sorry OP, You must be dreading tomorrow

Ok remember you are a victim here. You've done nothing wrong. Your PM will no doubt be more inclined to blame the guy than you. It's also their responsibility to protect you here. I'm so sorry it's happened to you though, it's happened to me before and it's difficult not to feel like some kind of scarlet woman. But don't worry about your career, sleeping with a contributor like your friend did is a red line because there is a duty of care involved, and even if something had happened between you and the editor it wouldn't be as bad as that.

Which MN would term 'mentionitis' when the person he works with most closely as part of his job inevitably comes up as the most frequently mentioned name.

In the real world, however, it's normal for a few names to crop up regularly - DP hears about 'Gary', 'Mike' and 'Tris' because one is my LM, one is my LM's LM and the last is the IT manager. He's got a brain, so knows I'm going to talk about men because they work there and I can't get my job done without engaging with people in those roles - but my idiot ex would be furious that I'd said a man's name and most likely pulling the same sort of shit that this woman has.

The narrative on MN with regards to trusting instincts, cherchez la femme and suchlike perfectly mirrors the thought processes of the most abusive men I've ever encountered.

I had the same thought tbh. I work freelance in a creative industry and have literally hundreds of contacts in my phone. I never mention anyones surname, why would I? So my partner would have to chase through the list of Chris’s and Sarahs and Janes and Vickis and Aarons… which would take ages and presumably the phone is password protected because whose isn’t? So to me it doesn’t add up either. And I also cannot picture a situation where a producer would be drawn into crap like this. Very interesting 🧐

Well done for contacting your PM.

Sounds like he has contacted her, and he has likely said that there is nothing in it but wife is stressed with new baby (he doesn’t want to sound mad so he’ll need to explain it) and has imagined a situation that doesn’t exit. He may have asked to move if it’s possible.

What you need to do is say, is obviously there is nothing in it - and you don’t want it affecting the production, but you also don’t want it affecting your career.

This will just act as a helpful reminder to them that he is the one causing hassle and they need to be actively supporting you.

Don’t allow your mind to race and turn this into a disaster - it really isn’t, and that will just make you seem immature.

Do join Bectu on Monday and arrange to speak to one of their advisers. Once everything is settled you might want to follow up in writing and they will help you with this. Having them on your side will also help remind the company they need to actively support you.

Do not respond to him or his wife BTW. This does now need to be handled by the company.

I once knew somebody who used to wind up hee husband by saying that somebody was flirting with her at the office. Imagine the bloke at the office’s face when the husband came in to challenge him about it and the wife had made up the whole thing

Good luck tomorrow!

His partner is insecure but thats not your problem, niether do you owe her an explanation as you have done nothing wrong and niether has he, so your working relationship is important to both of you I would just block her on Whatsapp but say nothing to him as this should stop her interfering with your work and his.

From what you have said already in your post, I think he can communicate well with you which is vital for professional r/ship. I think its best to just block her and say nothing to him.

I'm pretty sure thats the best action to take.

Yes, good luck.

Why is it so hard to figure out how she got the number?

They've been working together for six weeks. He must have mentioned her name in that time.

The op said they'd had messages about running five minutes late etc. Her partner could easily go through call logs/most recent texts.

And as for being on a show where there are hundreds of crew. It's an EP and editor. It's literally those two people stuck in a room together with a shedload of caffeine. I've been there! Fuck it I love post production. But then I'm an anti social bastard.

Op, I think you'll be fine. I know your concerns with regards to freelancing. You've laid it out factually. Said you're prepared to do whatever's easier for the show. I would respect you for that.

Thankfully things have moved on since I first started out and sleazy crew etc are no longer tolerated. And things like this would be taken seriously.

I think the what to say careerwise. His wife doesnt like him working eith other women. That's his problem, you don't have to put a spin on it.

That friendship request on Facebook. I think that is really odd. After she has made a scene and contacted you too. Have you considered he may be having an affair and is using you as cover? As red herring to distract from the real affair partner? Then when it comes out that there is nothing in it he can gaslight her with a 'see, it's all in your head!'

Because he may add the job title to the name. Eg: Polly Jones, PM, High Noon Productions.
And husbands and wives may know each other’s passwords. My DH and I do.

@SinnermanGirl

I had the same thought tbh. I work freelance in a creative industry and have literally hundreds of contacts in my phone. I never mention anyones surname, why would I? So my partner would have to chase through the list of Chris’s and Sarahs and Janes and Vickis and Aarons… which would take ages and presumably the phone is password protected because whose isn’t? So to me it doesn’t add up either. And I also cannot picture a situation where a producer would be drawn into crap like this. Very interesting 🧐

But if it's someone he's messaged about work recently, which OP says is the case, all she would need to do is look at his recent texts / whatsapps and she would know which Chris / Sarah / Aaron was the ones he's currently paired with.

Which is exactly what lots of MNetters would advise her to do if she was worried, even without there being much to worry about.

Yup.

Oh, the faux-naïveté.

And as for being on a show where there are hundreds of crew. It's an EP and editor. It's literally those two people stuck in a room together with a shedload of caffeine. I've been there! Fuck it I love post production. But then I'm an anti social bastard.
@gogogadgetgo Me too.

I've been a series producer, and think that the PM has sent just the right kind of message because they don't know what's going on and it's the weekend, and they need to discuss it with the SP and don't want to spoil their weekend, because that's the PM's job. But I would expect to know first thing on Monday.

I would also believe you, and stand by you, but part of SP and PM's calculations is that getting a good editor at no notice is not going to happen, so they will probably move him to a different edit, but may not use him again if they have the chance (but editors being like hen's teeth, they may have to).

Oh, the faux-naïveté.

I hope that I have misunderstood that and that isn't 'woman blaming'.