New man am i being harsh??

[Moredogsplease]

Hello everyone, could use some majority advice if poss as i have met someone new but so many things in his world are different to mine i just dont know if im lining myself up for problems. Were both early 40s, he has one kid, i have 3. Were only casual right now so no big deal but he is so lovely i cant help thinking forward as to wether id want a relationship in time, if he does, and if i am being judgey and harsh by being surprised by:
No sofa. Very little furniture or belongings really, some nice bits but we sit on cushions on the floor. 8 months in, still the same and he blames the layout, difficult getting it into the upstairs flat. True, but....
No tv. Doesnt watch it. He plays his records when im there or we just talk.
Sober. Vegan. Quite alternative (but not to a dickhead extent)
Seems to dislike responsibility. Bailed on his 2 year old and partner. Said fatherhood absolutely pounded his mental health.
Seemed selfish since he himself was the product of a family where the dad bailed early on and he seemed sad about that but did the same.
Squabbled with his ex saying he should get some of the child maintenance money because of when he has his daughter.
Works freelance and doesnt seem to have much money, refuses to ever work weekends or evenings but moans about not having enough cash.
Doesn't drive, no licence, rides a bike carries a rucksack.

Its given me a bit of the ick because at our age i expect more. He seems maybe selfish? Immature? Hes very intelligent so its not stupidity thats an issue and as a person , one of the nicest, sweetest guys. Sex is pretty good, and he is good looking .

I guess what im asking is would you bother? Or would the above put you off him a bit??? Fully prepared to be slated here!!!

Hes in his 40s and hasnt grown up! This wont end well.

He just sounds like a bell end.

Sorry

I bet he's a Sagittarius.
Those fuckers will shag every chick in the henhouse.

This every time.

Has he given any suggestion that he wants anything more than the current casual arrangement? Because he sounds like an extreme avoidant. If the current situation works for the both of you then just enjoy it for what it is. Don't fall for him or get any aspirations about it becoming a proper relationship though.

First post nails it

Minimalism, not drinking and veganism wouldn’t bother me. Nor would lack of a TV.

But the lack of ambition, bailing on his family and woe is me attitude would have me throwing him in the bin!

I know a few people - men anad women who live like this.

It is an alternative lifestyle that suits some people but not others.

I have a sofa but only because, at nearing 50, my back can't take floor cushions any more! But in my early 40s, I didn't have a TV (still don't) and I only learnt to drive because it was a necessary evil - I used to cycle and walk everywhere.

I only know one man now who is a bit of a freeloader but, tbh, that's because he was in a 3 Yr relationship with someone who infantilised him because of his lifestyle and insisted on doing everything for him.

I have, however, brought up 2 children pretty much singlehandedly, went to university, got a 1st class degree and have a career. But one I only work in on a 'casual' (albeit pretty much full time basis) because I value my time and mental health more than money and possessions.

I, too, have been 'accused' of living like a student. I do in some respects but I'm not a waster and I don't expect anyone to carry me through life.

I just don't have any need for expensive holidays, material possessions or to climb the greasy pole at work. I'm happy living a simpler existence. I like it that way.

Abandoning his children would be the red flag for me.

My boyfriend is similar.

He loves the fact I 'never grew up' and I like that about him too.

There will be someone put there for him but it clearly isn't you. If his lifestyle doesn't make ypu happy, don't settle for it.

You really need advice about this??

Seems to dislike responsibility. Bailed on his 2 year old and partner. Said fatherhood absolutely pounded his mental health.
Seemed selfish since he himself was the product of a family where the dad bailed early on and he seemed sad about that but did the same.
Squabbled with his ex saying he should get some of the child maintenance money because of when he has his daughter.
Works freelance and doesnt seem to have much money, refuses to ever work weekends or evenings but moans about not having enough cash

Even though he's nice, sweet, and intelligent.....I think it's the below two attributes that are the reasons you are not thinking more objectively about him -

Sex is pretty good, and he is good looking

He's squabbling for the ex for some of the child maintenance money?? So I assume he has his child 50% of the week then at least??

Are you serious? You are willing to make such a sweeping judgment on someone based on the day they were born?? @KangFang

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas @YoungBritishPissArtist Yeah....it sounds familiar to me too. Pretty sure I commented on that one but it was a while ago so can't find the link.

I’m starting to wonder if the current economic crisis is some how effecting MN posting like the TV as there seems to be many repeats lately.

I wouldn't be keen on a middle aged sober vegan who is immature and not very ambitious but can imagine he might be someone else's cup of tea, but bailing on his child because his mental health took a pounding? Unfuckingforgivable.

I’m not seeing anything here but negatives.

I think it’s reasonable to judge someone as being pretty unpleasant if they abandon their child.

He sounds like a VIz character. And a massive pita. Run.

So he not only bailed on his child because he couldn't cope with fatherhood, but tried to claw back the maintenance he is meant to pay for her?

He's selfish, immature, & tight.
If you stick around, his moans about money will escalate to expecting you to pay for Nice Things that he can't afford. It will be your fault that you have more money than him - not down to his refusal to step up his work hours. Somehow, you will always be seen to have it easier than him, because ... Reasons - so must soak up his responsibilities as well as your own.

He sounds like one of Lundy Bancroft's abuser profiles - "Mr Sensitive".
callmeblake.tumblr.com/post/79553548223/abusive-types-mr-sensitive

Don’t think it matters what he’s got or hasn’t got, if you’ve got the ick already it’s not going to work.

No Twacky - because he abandoned his kid, & tried to wriggle out of paying proper maintenance for her.

HTH

Let’s summarise this Prince Charming

• sober


• vegan


• no furniture in the house


• ”dislikes” (avoids) responsibility, including his only child


• Broke


• selfish


• immature


• doesn’t drive

I mean, it’s a lot to endure for a “pretty good” sex with even a handsome man. But it sounds like that’s all he is good for!

Wow he sounds like a right catch 😵‍💫

I mean, if you want a fuck every so often, who cares, but if you actually feel the need to bring a bloke in to your kids home, this one is a proven failure. Not sure why you’d need anyone to point that out.

He's not very sweet and nice is he OP if he abandoned his kid.

@EarthSight this one?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4505308-At-40-would-you-expect