Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New man am i being harsh??

139 replies

Moredogsplease · 10/06/2022 21:12

Hello everyone, could use some majority advice if poss as i have met someone new but so many things in his world are different to mine i just dont know if im lining myself up for problems. Were both early 40s, he has one kid, i have 3. Were only casual right now so no big deal but he is so lovely i cant help thinking forward as to wether id want a relationship in time, if he does, and if i am being judgey and harsh by being surprised by:
No sofa. Very little furniture or belongings really, some nice bits but we sit on cushions on the floor. 8 months in, still the same and he blames the layout, difficult getting it into the upstairs flat. True, but....
No tv. Doesnt watch it. He plays his records when im there or we just talk.
Sober. Vegan. Quite alternative (but not to a dickhead extent)
Seems to dislike responsibility. Bailed on his 2 year old and partner. Said fatherhood absolutely pounded his mental health.
Seemed selfish since he himself was the product of a family where the dad bailed early on and he seemed sad about that but did the same.
Squabbled with his ex saying he should get some of the child maintenance money because of when he has his daughter.
Works freelance and doesnt seem to have much money, refuses to ever work weekends or evenings but moans about not having enough cash.
Doesn't drive, no licence, rides a bike carries a rucksack.

Its given me a bit of the ick because at our age i expect more. He seems maybe selfish? Immature? Hes very intelligent so its not stupidity thats an issue and as a person , one of the nicest, sweetest guys. Sex is pretty good, and he is good looking .

I guess what im asking is would you bother? Or would the above put you off him a bit??? Fully prepared to be slated here!!!

OP posts:
ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 10/06/2022 21:48

Onwards22 · 10/06/2022 21:42

Bailed on his 2 year old and partner. Said fatherhood absolutely pounded his mental health.

The lack of money/furniture wouldn’t bother me.

Him being a crap parent and not being responsible would have me running for the hills and not looking back.

This, exactly. Save yourself a lot of grief and bail now.

GreyCarpet · 10/06/2022 21:50

Not everyone aspires to be part of the rat race and spend a lifetime acquiring 'stuff'.

There's a lot of what you've said about him that would appeal to me with the exception of the bailing on his kid stuff.

NeedASolution · 10/06/2022 21:54

*Seems to dislike responsibility. Bailed on his 2 year old and partner. Said fatherhood absolutely pounded his mental health.

Seemed selfish since he himself was the product of a family where the dad bailed early on and he seemed sad about that but did the same.
Squabbled with his ex saying he should get some of the child maintenance money because of when he has his daughter.*

Dealbreakers.

unicornsarereal72 · 10/06/2022 21:58

That's a no from me. Parenting isnt optional. And providing for your children should be a given. I've been on my knees mentally and financially. The children were and remain my first priority.

Comedycook · 10/06/2022 22:01

Like previous posters, I also thought this sounded familiar. But anyway, he sounds awful.

rowkaza · 10/06/2022 22:03

Nope. Throw this one back.

Mildoom · 10/06/2022 22:03

He sounds truly amazing.. Said no one.

SunnyShiner · 10/06/2022 22:04

Would I bother? With this selfish loafer? No. No one should.

tararabumdeay · 10/06/2022 22:05

Never trust a man without a sofa!

Seriously though, you are asking yourself rhetorical questions and you know the answer.

He's an intellegent and amusing freak but a waster nonetheless. If that's ok for your long term life vision then fine. If not, keep it casual - as that man child type usually do.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2022 22:06

If this man doesn't make you run for the hills, I don't think any man would. Fucking hell, your standards are non-existent. He's an absolute loser.

Twilight7777 · 10/06/2022 22:09

Run. No just no. Massive red flags

beastlyslumber · 10/06/2022 22:12

What kind of a man abandons his 2-year-old child? He's shown himself to be untrustworthy and dishonourable. I don't see the attraction.

Iamnotamermaid · 10/06/2022 22:13

Might be ok for just casual hanging out but don't get too attached or carried away with this one.

Lizzieismagic · 10/06/2022 22:14

Is he a 19 yo student?

BitOutOfPractice · 10/06/2022 22:15

all that and only “pretty good” sex? That’s a no from me.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 10/06/2022 22:15

YoungBritishPissArtist · 10/06/2022 21:24

This OP sounds VERY familiar🤔I’m sure this is a repeat of a thread from a few weeks ago?

Definitely been asked before.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/06/2022 22:16

Just sounds like a real turd🤮

Make an escape whilst you can. What a charmer he is.

AppleKatie · 10/06/2022 22:19

I’d have ended it after one evening with no sofa. Sitting on a cushion on the floor? Cool as a student (with a drink).

as a sober grown up!? Absolutely not.

Obviously the most concerning stuff is his attitude to his child- but I wouldn’t have stuck around long enough to find that out.

Hes not stepfather material which might be fine if what you are looking for is a casual relationship… but if you can’t even enjoy an evening together (no, sitting on the floor doesn’t count as fun!) what on earth is the point!

Moredogsplease · 10/06/2022 22:24

Student lifestyle. Yes, that kind of sums it up.

He lived a very very carefree lifestyle up to the age of 39, had a child, and found the adjustment hard. I think there were issues anyway and the baby compounded it all.

Anyway thanks for the input and glad it isnt just me. Think this is a waste of time for anything long term but ok for now i guess!

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 10/06/2022 22:34

Wonder when he's going to move in with you, or ask for financial help....

Run. Sounds like a future Cocklodger

beastlyslumber · 10/06/2022 22:44

Raise your standards, OP. How is it "ok for now" - what on earth does he have to commend himself to you? Why waste your time - there are loads of men you could be dating, and nearly all of them will have sofas!

Clymene · 10/06/2022 22:47

If he's a good shag, then fine. If he's not, dump

Vecna · 10/06/2022 22:53

He wouldn't meet my standards. How is your self-esteem? You're posting here so you obviously agree with those of us who think he's not a great catch.

Yolojo · 10/06/2022 22:58

Fucking hell...

AuntTwacky · 10/06/2022 23:05

Wow MN is so judgey

Swipe left for the next trending thread