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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New man am i being harsh??

139 replies

Moredogsplease · 10/06/2022 21:12

Hello everyone, could use some majority advice if poss as i have met someone new but so many things in his world are different to mine i just dont know if im lining myself up for problems. Were both early 40s, he has one kid, i have 3. Were only casual right now so no big deal but he is so lovely i cant help thinking forward as to wether id want a relationship in time, if he does, and if i am being judgey and harsh by being surprised by:
No sofa. Very little furniture or belongings really, some nice bits but we sit on cushions on the floor. 8 months in, still the same and he blames the layout, difficult getting it into the upstairs flat. True, but....
No tv. Doesnt watch it. He plays his records when im there or we just talk.
Sober. Vegan. Quite alternative (but not to a dickhead extent)
Seems to dislike responsibility. Bailed on his 2 year old and partner. Said fatherhood absolutely pounded his mental health.
Seemed selfish since he himself was the product of a family where the dad bailed early on and he seemed sad about that but did the same.
Squabbled with his ex saying he should get some of the child maintenance money because of when he has his daughter.
Works freelance and doesnt seem to have much money, refuses to ever work weekends or evenings but moans about not having enough cash.
Doesn't drive, no licence, rides a bike carries a rucksack.

Its given me a bit of the ick because at our age i expect more. He seems maybe selfish? Immature? Hes very intelligent so its not stupidity thats an issue and as a person , one of the nicest, sweetest guys. Sex is pretty good, and he is good looking .

I guess what im asking is would you bother? Or would the above put you off him a bit??? Fully prepared to be slated here!!!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 10/06/2022 21:14

I've got the ick from here.

Letsrunabath · 10/06/2022 21:15

Absolutely put me off. Not someone to settle down with so don’t waste your time.
Time is precious.

TomAllenWife · 10/06/2022 21:16

I absolutely wouldn't bother

At this time in my life (45) I expect a man to:

Have his own home that's appropriately furnished
Be able to drive
Be a reasonable father (none of us are perfect)
Be financially settled and not struggling
Not be sober or vegan because I am neither

Kabakofte · 10/06/2022 21:16

Bail!
Not providing for his child and quibbling with his ex is a big red banner, never mind a flag. Not much of the rest seems that great either!

RandomMess · 10/06/2022 21:17

He's Peter Pan, run for the hills!

Myfirstbornisacollie · 10/06/2022 21:17

Nope sounds like a dick

babytum · 10/06/2022 21:18

Not relationship material by a long shot but if it’s a pleasant diversion for now without getting invested, no harm.

EthicalNonMahogany · 10/06/2022 21:20

Everything is optional and personal choice apart from bailing on your kid. Fatherhood pounds your mental health? - you stay there and take the fucking pounding and do your best because you don't have a god given right to good mental health.

thistimelastweek · 10/06/2022 21:20

What babytum said.

namechangeanonymous · 10/06/2022 21:22

Oh god no, I'm not normally judgey but I have the ick on your behalf.

billy1966 · 10/06/2022 21:23

Dump.

Waster alert.

He couldn't stick around for one child and you have three.

I bet his ex is well rid of him.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 10/06/2022 21:24

This OP sounds VERY familiar🤔I’m sure this is a repeat of a thread from a few weeks ago?

HardRockOwl · 10/06/2022 21:24

What on earth are you actually doing? I'm almost embarrassed for you

I've actually no words tbh.

Hockeyboysmum · 10/06/2022 21:24

Sounds like a childish twat. Run far and fast

RedRec · 10/06/2022 21:26

Every single word you said about him gave me the ick.

WomanHere · 10/06/2022 21:26

Doesn’t sound like there is a future here. From your point of view he sounds a bit like he is living like a student. Also, if he can’t be arsed with his one child he definitely won’t be interested in 3 step children in the future. Keep it casual only.

BeggarsMeddle · 10/06/2022 21:27

You're on different pages - have different values. That's not to say he's not nice; I'm sure he is but it sounds like he's more friend material than a long-term prospect. The fact you're sounding out your thoughts on here possibly kind of enforces that.

LoudingVoice · 10/06/2022 21:32

YoungBritishPissArtist · 10/06/2022 21:24

This OP sounds VERY familiar🤔I’m sure this is a repeat of a thread from a few weeks ago?

I thought this!!!

OP this man sounds awful, dump/run away now

movingon2022 · 10/06/2022 21:34

It all seems very weird OP. I would run for the woods.

mm40 · 10/06/2022 21:37

Can you see the hills….the ones in the distance…..no - not those ones - the ones far behind them? Yes? Well run as fast as you can towards them and hope you can outrun his unicycle.

JudyGemstone · 10/06/2022 21:38

There’s a few things you’ve mentioned that I’d be happy with, but a lot that I wouldn’t.

if the sex and the hanging out is good that I would carry on, but i definitely wouldn’t commit to him properly

Georgeskitchen · 10/06/2022 21:41

He sounds an arse
Get rid

Onwards22 · 10/06/2022 21:42

Bailed on his 2 year old and partner. Said fatherhood absolutely pounded his mental health.

The lack of money/furniture wouldn’t bother me.

Him being a crap parent and not being responsible would have me running for the hills and not looking back.

Theala · 10/06/2022 21:46

No sofa...ok(ish). Not much furniture...ok. No TV...OK. Bailed on his two-year-old daughter...get the fuck away from me, you fucking loser.

Blaze1886 · 10/06/2022 21:48

Sounds quite odd

Btw, if you drive you'll become his chauffeur. People who don't drive at this age are an alarm bell for me