Vulnerable friend moving new man in after a fortnight

[Foreverinjeans]

I have a lovely friend. She had an emotionally abusive LTR which ended 5 years ago and she's been single since. She has a history of depression and self harming. She is lovely, kind and vulnerable.

She joined Tinder and matched last week with 'her perfect man'. They've spent 8 of the last 10 days together, She says he's too good to be true, they have so much in common. It's uncanny.

Prior to this, she was considering single parenting via sperm donation. Prince charming is happy to support her in this, or see if they can have a child together. After 10 days. She is 42. Time isn't on her side. Alas.

And now it transpires, this new man has nowhere to live, he's been kicked out by his landlady and guess what? He's moving in with her. Surprise. Surprise. She's pretty wealthy, family money. Her parents haven't met him...

I am so worried. She doesn't live in the UK. I am due to fly out next week to see her.

She was off with me on facetime after I advised her not to move him in. He's a stranger.

She feels sorry for him. He has no options as its peak tourist season and apartments are hard to come by. Yet, he claims he is a professional with enough money not to work, but can't afford the summer rental prices. For context he's British, who has moved out there. She let slip there may be visa issues..

She hasn't met any of his friends or family, only an acquaintance from his gym.

I'm really concerned and due to see her next week. She is vulnerable. There are huge red flags around this man.
Our mutual friend has same concerns as me.

Any wise words. I have such a bad gut feeling this man is bad news.

I think I would say very gently once that you're concerned for her and want her to be careful, remind her you're only saying it because you care about her. Then you just need to stand back and offer support when she needs it. If you go on and on at her about it she'll likely withdraw from you which will make her even more vulnerable. I'm totally with you though, sounds very dodgy.

This has disaster written all over it. You sound a lovely friend. Nobody will fall in love quicker then a homeless man. Bet he feels like he's won the lottery. I think your friend will resent you pointing out the fact obvious. I'd just keep checking in on her and be there when it all goes tits up.

Thank you. And for agreeing there are enormous red flags.
All we can do.
I'm pretty sure it will end badly. It's the damage he'll wreak and whether it will break her. She's not strong. Despite her wealthy upbringing she has not had an easy life.

I agree
You sound lovely
I'd contact her family perhaps and see if they're as worried as you

I have a friend a bit like this thankfully in the uk but she's a hot mess with men wanting to marry them after about 2 weeks etc....

Split up with her long term partner and father of the kids just after Christmas we've had 5 boyfriends so far it's just draining but you sound amazing

OP, I've done all kinds of crazy shit in my life and never took any notice of wiser friends who warned me not to. If she's "off" with you after you've advised her, it means she knows "better" I'm afraid 🤨😉

There's not much you can do except "be there for her," but don't waste too much energy on it. She's on her own chaotic learning curve, which might be painful for you to observe but still needs to be done. In life, you can't really rush or skip the painful lessons, and no one else can protect you from them.

Can you cyber investigate this guy?

This is right.

if you try to convince her to stop this nonsense, she will get more determined to “save” her “relationship” if she sees other people are looking to destroy it.

You just need to be there for her when she starts realising what a bad idea this is, but she won’t come to you for help if she knows how much you dislike him.

I don't know him to dislike him. Its the intensity, moving in, talk of babies after 10 days and whiff of something dodgy I don't like.
Her Dad is pretty switched on. Though a distant figure. I can't see him being taken in or thrilled at this.

Our mutual friend tried to Google Prince charming. She's worried he's a conman-he has no social media presence or anything substantial.

I won't say anything more to her. She's besotted. Thinks she's found her soul mate. He's told her he loves her. Told her after 48 hours.

All can do is be there for her when the mask slips.

Get some popcorn, sit back and watch the train wreck. People like her never listen, if they'd engage their brain they wouldn't move him in after ten days anyway.

It's hard, I know it is. I've spent the last three years watching a family member who has two children divorce, get a flat, new boyfriend, lose the flat because of illegal activity suggested by boyfriend (long story), not allowed to rent a flat in that city anymore so moved in with boyfriend. She gave up her job because of his suggestions and then he started hitting her. She left when her childrens father started a procedure to get full costody. She now lives with two kids in her mums box room (it doesn't fit three beds). She has a new boyfriend and it's real love this time (always is) so she's probably going to wreck her life some more. I can't even look at her tbh. Such a bad mum. I feel so sorry for the kids.

Oh that's bad @fossilsmorefossils . Those poor kids.

My friend is actually pretty inexperienced with men. No history of short term flings.. she's not got her bead switched on.

Just hope we have some time together next weekend without him being around 24/7.

Trip arranged before they met!

Yes, this has red flags written all over it - future faking, love bombing, the lot.

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do other than offer support if (when) she needs it, and outline that your concerns come from a place of care for her, not from any perceived negativity over the situation. I suspect she is defensive because deep down she knows this is a crazy situation and that people don't regularly do this sort of thing.

If you are in touch with her family/friends/local friends, I would possibly outline my concerns to them too but ask for confidentiality if you worry doing so could impact your friendship.

Hopefully when you visit her there will be no barriers to it (i.e.; new man stopping her from seeing you/asking you to cancel the trip - they do this to isolate the victims) and perhaps you will be able to have another quiet word with her then.

At least you will be able to get the measure of him when you go over to visit. Just try and talk to her in a nice way when (if) you get some time alone with her

Have you heard the saying,,, no-one falls in love as fast as a man who needs somewhere to live. Or he could be a con man.

My old boss used to call clients like this “Calamity Janes”. Bad choice after bad choice. You feel sorry for them but when they drag their poor children along in their wake the sympathy decreases. She’s an adult with capacity there’s not much you can actually do. Katie Price is one of these too.

She is pretty inexperienced with men, isn't someone who jumps from one to another.
Her jumping in is worryingly out of character, she has struggled to meet decent men. For various reasons.

I do know one if her local friends well. She's concerned. Feels he's a conman. Reports she caught him out in silly little lies, about football, of all things (changing his allegiance to a team!) And as any footy fan knows . That's sacrilegious.
She didn't challenge him. Didn't want to upset friend. They're glued at the hip. She's not seen her alone these past 10 days and he has moved in now, so will be hard for me next week to grab time alone.

All we can do is support from a distance. She is 42. And it is heady meeting someone when you've been lonely, had issues and are keen for a family. Just hope it doesn't destroy her .

Calamity Jane, for sure.

I also agree that no bloke falls in love faster than one who needs a place to live.

She'll be pregnant by Michaelmas.

Tell her to watch the Tindler Swindler on Netflix.

No one falls in love faster than a man with no where to live 🤷‍♀️

Thanks for all the advice. It gets worse. I can hardly believe this or that its real..
She's about to do a pregnancy test. They slept together on their first date. Exactly two weeks ago and she's not come on today.
Her having unprotected sex on a first date is so out of character. It's as if she's been bewitched. Alarmingly, she hopes it's ++. Christ on a bike.

He's proposed. Of course he has! They're hoping to tie the knot over the summer.
Her (wealthy) dad hasn't met or seems to know about this man. Yet. I mention him as she/they live in the family holiday home. Parents live in another city.

Her friends in the know share the same what the fuck concerns.

I am beginning to fear he's a conman who sees her money, the perceived lifestyle and an easy route to a European visa. (He's British and has outstayed his 90-day visa) They're a wealthy family - not super wealthy but he'd get a good lump sum.

Or maybe I watch too much Netflix. Weekend going to be interesting. Apparently I'll love him, so she tells me.

There's nothing anyone can do. She's vulnerable. She won't listen

Hopefully no unprotected sex will ensue.....?

@JanglyBeads too late. She shagged him on the first date, no protection.
Doing a pregnancy test today. Exactly a fortnight on as she hasn't come on.

Goodness, it’s like an episode of Eastenders! Do her parents know he’s proposed?

I know your mutual friend tried to look him up on SM and there was nothing. Can you get a photo when you are out there and reverse image search him? See if that throws anything up.

It's not you watching too much Netflix OP.

So. Many. Red. Flags.