Vulnerable friend moving new man in after a fortnight

[Foreverinjeans]

I have a lovely friend. She had an emotionally abusive LTR which ended 5 years ago and she's been single since. She has a history of depression and self harming. She is lovely, kind and vulnerable.

She joined Tinder and matched last week with 'her perfect man'. They've spent 8 of the last 10 days together, She says he's too good to be true, they have so much in common. It's uncanny.

Prior to this, she was considering single parenting via sperm donation. Prince charming is happy to support her in this, or see if they can have a child together. After 10 days. She is 42. Time isn't on her side. Alas.

And now it transpires, this new man has nowhere to live, he's been kicked out by his landlady and guess what? He's moving in with her. Surprise. Surprise. She's pretty wealthy, family money. Her parents haven't met him...

I am so worried. She doesn't live in the UK. I am due to fly out next week to see her.

She was off with me on facetime after I advised her not to move him in. He's a stranger.

She feels sorry for him. He has no options as its peak tourist season and apartments are hard to come by. Yet, he claims he is a professional with enough money not to work, but can't afford the summer rental prices. For context he's British, who has moved out there. She let slip there may be visa issues..

She hasn't met any of his friends or family, only an acquaintance from his gym.

I'm really concerned and due to see her next week. She is vulnerable. There are huge red flags around this man.
Our mutual friend has same concerns as me.

Any wise words. I have such a bad gut feeling this man is bad news.

I think you do need to speak to her parents. To protect their wealth, as well as their daughter. It sounds like a private detective job at this point.

He sounds utterly vile.

@tribpot he is. Far worse than I envisaged.

Controlling twat too.

Sadly, she is lonley and its clouding her judgement.
I need to warn her dad.
I will ask for discretion and do it in a
Don't you find it odd that...way. ' He's not silly.
BUT.
I don't think she'll listen to anyone. Yet.
This man won't be able to keep up his 'devoted never felt like this before act up '
His mask will slip. And that's when her family and friends can help.

He has no social media presence and Google isn't showing anything. Mutual friend has dug into this. Seeing how his previous landlady used heavies to get rid of him, I wonder if he's hiding from a series of people who he's burned? You'd think a writer would want to promote himself. (Vanity published book was in his name)

I asked about his family. He's estranged from parents and siblings.
He had a loveless childhood which left him with trust issues and is why he has few (no) friends. His words. Yet he trusted my friend sufficiently after 10 days to move in with her .
Love at first sight.

That's all part of the con, isn't it? I have 'trust issues' which is why I have no family or friends, but I just know I can trust you and only you and your bank balance. Then even if she does start to question the speed that everything is moving, or he cheats or she wants to end it, she will feel she is casting him out to no-one, and that she has failed his unique trust in her.

Oh no :-/
Was hoping update would be better news for her.

You're a good friend helping to see how she is, having your trip diluted by his presence, whilst knowing it's going to be important so you can demonstrate you gave him a good chance & was prepared to be delighted for her. You've been able to see how he is with her, see the red flags for yourself, listened to him & his half truths. It will all help when things come crashing down & youve made yourself available to her (which she will need)

Thank god the pregnancy test was negative.
Agree with alerting her trusted family. Let them do their checks & be vigilant.
I'd try to insist on some time just alone you two - even with the pretence you are struggling & have something to discuss with her. See if there's any evidence that he'll try to block or prevent. Anecdotes & tangible evidence might be required in bucketloads for when the scales may start to fall from her eyes

Gosh the more you post the more I think she could be seriously in danger, and not just financially.

Yes, it's OK not to trust somebody who hasn't earned your trust. How can this point be made to a friend without them reacting defensively to it?

Perhaps you could suggest to her Dad that he pretends he is coming for a 6 week visit soon. Perhaps that'd be enough to scare him off/make the mask slip.

Does he know she owns her place? If your friend had even an ounce of caution she could tell him that her parents actually own it. See if that cools his ardour.

I’d be so tempted to tell him, in a smilingly menacing way, that I knew exactly what he was doing. But then danger is then that he’ll begin to actively separate your friend from her friends and family.

What an absolutely predatory cunt he is. I hope to Christ that he fucks up in such a way that she locks him out before she’s knocked up.

If I were her parents I’d cut her off financially- no more use of the family home, and no financial assistance. We’ll see if true love endures when he sees that easy life drying up.

That’s rough, he has no social media presence at all, any contact details at all for him?

Do you have a full name and rough age, area he is supposed to have come from? Any idea more info on the book?

I love a Google challenge!

How scary to watch this unfold, sounds like a love bombing, cocklodging womaniser at best or a fraud after her money, however he hasn't easily conned the other women after just weeks, let's hope she has enough of him before she marries him. All you can do is show some concern and be there for her

Sounds like he's on the run from something or someone. Fingers crossed your friend will see though it soon. Like PP said, the money isn't hers.

Blimey, with every update this has got worse. Have you managed to alert her parents? At least they might be able to protect family assets from him. I think you are right all you can do now is be there for her. While still there I would actblike his new bff and asl as many questions about his past life /uk life /jobs etc. If he's lying and has to think on his feet and tell lots of lies quickly then there is more chance of him tripping up.

I think OP is smart and won't smile menacingly at him and say ''i know exactly what you're doing''.

Before you leave OP, tell him it was lovely to meet him and hope he's looking forward to meeting friend's family.

OP This sounds absolutely awful, and your friend is vulnerable emotionally and financially,. I hear everyone saying there is nothing you can say, but I think sometimes in life it is important to stick your head over the parapet and intervene when someone is in trouble. Difficult if you are never on your own with her, but maybe there is some other way. Definitely alert the parents, whose home she is in - they can make him leave. And do the detective thing too. Is there another way you can privately contact her - text, email? Could you say that though he appears lovely (!), people often see red flags in similar situations, about the man's intentions, and you are concerned for her about how fast it has gone so far. Could you ask what is the hurry when she is still getting to know him? When you have done everything you can without alienating her, just let her know you are there for her.

I know a woman that did this, twice. But it was her own money, lost it all, including a big, lovely house.

If OP's friend is living at her parent's, can't they do something about him? As in evict him?

I would do nothing.

She doesn't want to hear it. She won't. She's in the honeymoon phase.

You saying something will just upset her and push her away.

We all know people like this. Yes. I would say something but not necessarily offer support when it all goes wrong. I have a relative who does this time and time again and worries her poor Mum and Dad silly.

we have decided to just leave her to her daft stupid decisions as we have our own lives to lead and it’s been going on for years.She got a lot of support last time but next time we are all older and wiser and I wonder sometimes that she does this for attention.

Long time ago now but that is EXACTLY how my x got me to ignore his bad behaviour to me. It was 1999 so not yesterday but he started out with a heartbreaking story about his parents' divorce and he had no ''home'' (he was 22 at that point, I'd left home and paid my own rent at 23 so why I found it so HEARTBREAKING ON HIS BEHALF i don't know. Then there was a girlfriend who apparently broke his faith in women. I didn't ask him why he considered her, or MADE her the ambassador for ALL women. Did she ask for that? Did every other women ask for that?

But I got sucked in to the manipulation.

Only thing is, at 42 even without romantic relationships, your friend has lived more than I had at that point. Hopefully she has seen a bit more and dealt with a bit more.

Reading back, relieved to see confirmation that @Foreverinjeans 's friend's parents own the house she lives in. VERY relieved to read that.

I'm too invested in this perhaps but @Foreverinjeans I feel for you having no choice but to watch this mess unfold.

At 42 she will be lucky to get pregnant naturally. You just cannot help some people. They think they know best so sorry to be harsh - she needs to suffer the consequences of what she is doing.

She does sound pretty daft for 42. Tell her parents then they can leave their estate to her in a trust managed by sensible adults rather to her absolutely- she sounds a right car crash.

Get on side.... Maybe he will let his guard down more if he thinks you like him.

Oh my god. This has Netflix conman documentary written all over it. If I were you I’d be telling her dad and bringing him and the mutual friend round to stage an intervention! This man is almost definitely a criminal

Is he Scottish?