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Original poster

Vulnerable friend moving new man in after a fortnight

116 replies

Foreverinjeans · 10/06/2022 12:14

I have a lovely friend. She had an emotionally abusive LTR which ended 5 years ago and she's been single since. She has a history of depression and self harming. She is lovely, kind and vulnerable.

She joined Tinder and matched last week with 'her perfect man'. They've spent 8 of the last 10 days together, She says he's too good to be true, they have so much in common. It's uncanny.

Prior to this, she was considering single parenting via sperm donation. Prince charming is happy to support her in this, or see if they can have a child together. After 10 days. She is 42. Time isn't on her side. Alas.

And now it transpires, this new man has nowhere to live, he's been kicked out by his landlady and guess what? He's moving in with her. Surprise. Surprise. She's pretty wealthy, family money. Her parents haven't met him...

I am so worried. She doesn't live in the UK. I am due to fly out next week to see her.

She was off with me on facetime after I advised her not to move him in. He's a stranger.

She feels sorry for him. He has no options as its peak tourist season and apartments are hard to come by. Yet, he claims he is a professional with enough money not to work, but can't afford the summer rental prices. For context he's British, who has moved out there. She let slip there may be visa issues..

She hasn't met any of his friends or family, only an acquaintance from his gym.

I'm really concerned and due to see her next week. She is vulnerable. There are huge red flags around this man.
Our mutual friend has same concerns as me.

Any wise words. I have such a bad gut feeling this man is bad news.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverinjeans · 14/06/2022 18:59

@Somanymistakes that's not a bad idea. Though I can't believe I'd need to do it about anyone. Will have to look up how to do that. I have a horrible gut feeling he's a conman. Its all too bizarre. It's like she's under a spell. I can't explain it.
She is as I keep saying vulnerable and naive Not much luck with men and desperately wanted her own family. She's also kind loving funny and intelligent. She deserves someone lovely.
@Shinyandnew1 . Parents don't know. She lives in their holiday home, they live in another city. (Not UK based) Her dad is pretty tough. Our hope is they put the brakes on. Unless she's preggers.

I've known many red flag relationships. This takes the biscuit. If I didn't know it was true I wouldn't believe it if that makes sense .

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/06/2022 19:06

Link her to some online articles about love bombing. Also some about narcissistic mirroring.

WellThisIsShit · 14/06/2022 19:27

Oh Lordy, it all sounds so bad, unfolding so quickly and so negatively…

Didsomeonesaydogs · 14/06/2022 21:22

Triptop · 11/06/2022 05:51

Tell her to watch the Tindler Swindler on Netflix.

I came here to say this but I knew in my heart it had already been said

KangFang · 15/06/2022 03:59

Does he know that her dad is loaded?

Vikinga · 15/06/2022 05:42

Doesn't sound good but if it is her parents who are wealthy and not her, they can put in clauses in the money so that at least he wont be able to access her money beyond living with her.

If she has a baby with him, at least that is something she wants and I don't think there is anything anyone can do.

Original poster
Foreverinjeans · 15/06/2022 07:03

@KangFang yes he's aware.
@Vikinga I hear you re baby but tgus site is littered with threads about unsuitable men and the damage they leave behind.

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 15/06/2022 07:06

God OP, this is such a car crash waiting to happen.
Let's hope she isn't pregnant for now ( but I'm guessing he's putting in all the effort to make sure that she is - and quickly)
I don't know if anyone has suggested this already, but can you find her father on SM and confide your concerns?
Obviously the shit would hit the fan if she found out. Could you trust him to be discreet do you think?

Rinatinabina · 15/06/2022 08:08

I would normally never ever suggest this but he sounds like he’s going to be awful but can you dob him into immigration. It’s not something I would ever suggest normally but he sounds like he could very quickly ruin her life.

cooliebrown · 15/06/2022 08:34

tell her about my aunt. She moved a chap in after knowing him for 2 weeks. A year later she was buried under the patio.

wellhelloitsme · 15/06/2022 08:40

cooliebrown · 15/06/2022 08:34

tell her about my aunt. She moved a chap in after knowing him for 2 weeks. A year later she was buried under the patio.

I'm so sorry about your auntie Flowers

wellhelloitsme · 15/06/2022 08:44

The worst thing about this is that you probably won't see her alone when you're there as he'll make sure he's always around.

The last thing he'll want is a potential outside influence opening her eyes to how inappropriately fast things are moving / to his red flags and lies.

So all you can do is voice your concern to her once privately and then be there when it falls apart.

Because as PP said, if you repeatedly raise your concerns it will solidify the 'us against the world' 'nobody understands our love' 'they've just never felt this way' 'they're jealous' 'they're trying to tear us apart' etc that I guarantee he'll start saying to her when she says people are worried.

If you're in touch with her dad and he is close to her, I would consider chatting to him but if you're not then it probably won't be any use.

MiniatureHotdog · 15/06/2022 11:02

Normally I'd say adults should be left tp make their own mess, but in this situation I would definitely contact her parents. If it's their home she lives in presumably they can turf him out?

cooliebrown · 15/06/2022 11:06

wellhelloitsme · 15/06/2022 08:40

I'm so sorry about your auntie Flowers

Show quote history

thank you. was a long time ago now. classic alcohol-fuelled domestic violence

fruitbrewhaha · 15/06/2022 11:15

Oh gawd, it does sound bad. Could you get in touch with her parents, perhaps her Dad to let him know your concerns? If you don't have contact details for him can you look him up, find a work email maybe.

If he is trying to get a visa it won't look good that he have overstayed the 90 days already.

goodcall101 · 15/06/2022 11:26

Foreverinjeans · 14/06/2022 17:22

@JanglyBeads too late. She shagged him on the first date, no protection.
Doing a pregnancy test today. Exactly a fortnight on as she hasn't come on.

I think people are probably correct when they say there is not much you can do. However, it’s still very early days, if you are willing to have her be upset with you for a while- would it be worth being very honest with her and tell her you’re worried and why?
You could give her a list of red flags from the internet, provide her with Lundy Bancroft’s book why does he do that? (And links to podcast interviews with that author, read this yourself if you haven’t already). One of the ways distance is created in these situations is when people suspect their friends and family aren’t onside and they grow distant anyway. Also no one likes the feeling of being talked about behind their backs even when it’s out of concern.

You could acknowledge that you might be totally wrong, and that you might be massively embarrassing yourself, but the signs are such that you would find it hard to forgive yourself if you didn’t say something when it’s still possible to save her a lot of heartache and potentially money. It could happen to anyone, vulnerable or not, these men are very skilled at what they do. I think that’s really important, she’s not being an idiot, there’s every chance that anyone targeted like this would respond the same way, happens to smart people all the time.

She won’t be happy at all at first, but if she starts to see other red flags you’ve told her about she might just get out of it, or at least slow things down. He could be the one in a billion who isn’t up to no good, but let’s face it, this situation has the potential to ruin her life in countless ways.

goodcall101 · 15/06/2022 11:35

cooliebrown · 15/06/2022 08:34

tell her about my aunt. She moved a chap in after knowing him for 2 weeks. A year later she was buried under the patio.

Christ, I’m so so sorry for your aunt. This is a really important post, these situations are often life or death. There is often little or nothing you can do once these people get someone in their clutches. Is there anything at all you or your family would have done differently at all? 💐x

AlternativePerspective · 15/06/2022 11:50

I agree this sounds like a potential nightmare in the making. But:

She’s an adult. And it sounds like she’s desperate for a baby. In fact, is it possible that she’s deliberately slept with this bloke to get pregnant and actually thinks she knows what she’s doing?

All you can do is tell her your fears, but then you need to stay out of it because too much involvement could possibly mean she pushes you away, and then you won’t be in a position to be there for her if things do go wrong.

MidLifeResurgence74 · 15/06/2022 13:38

Oh god this sounds horrendous. Worth sharing a link to this www.interpol.int/en/How-we-work/Notices/View-Red-Notices with your friend just in case?

KangFang · 16/06/2022 00:34

Yes - you'll have to leave her to it now.
Now't you can do.
Poor woman - she's going to be sorry.

Original poster
Foreverinjeans · 16/06/2022 20:13

@cooliebrown . I am so sorry about your Aunt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverinjeans · 18/06/2022 12:15

I've met him.

PP right, he's hanging around like a bad smell. No real time with my friend.

He's handsome but predatory. Noticed he's subtley giving off the vibe that my friend has landed a catch in him. Lots of women pursuing him.

He's a lying cocklodger.
Hasn't worked since he arrived in the country last September. Told me solemnly his ex-wife abandoned him. He's living off his divorce settlement and has been drifting from air bnb to air bnb. Why he's living like this, in a country where he had no friends, family or professional connections is a red flag.

He's had 3 'relationships' since arriving last September. They all lasted a matter of weeks. Charmingly referred to these women as nutcases. I bet they ran for the hills!

But he's found true love with my friend...

Since meeting her two and a half weeks ago.

His previous accommodation before moving in with my lovely friend, was through a contact from the gym he uses.

a flat with no contract. This landlady kicked him out after a row over money. All her fault of course. She turned up with 2 heavies to remove him.
He referred to her as a bitter menopausal crone - relayed as if its behaviour to be proud of. So fucking hard, not stabbing him with my fork. Think he saw my face.

Friend let him move in the next day. As she feels sorry for him and he had nowhere to stay locally and would need to return home to the UK.. manipulative twat!

Grandiose claims he's a writer. No published work except a book through one of those vanity publishing houses. He messed himself when I revealed I knew a little about the industry as have many writer friends.

Has worked in two public sector careers (allegedly)... yet he's chosen to live a drifty lifestyle with no proper visa in place...

Not close to family. No long term friends. This very apparent.
Lots of silly little fibs .

He's awful. Worse than expected. I've been friendly and polite. My friends besotted. Thinks she's hit the jackpot. Sadly, she's gonna have to learn the hard way. She's not pregnant. I don't think it will be long

He's gotta secure that wealthy lifestyle.

Just have to keep communication open and be there for her. Her local friends agree with me. Awful man. Nothing to be done. For now

OP posts:
MzHz · 18/06/2022 12:24

Argh, fuck. This is bad. How long are you staying?

I had similar with a friend and I hated the bloke she met, gave me really seedy paedo vibes around the kids.

what about flagging this up to her family so they decide to take an impromptu visit to their holiday home?

JanglyBeads · 18/06/2022 12:38

Sounds dreadful, I'm so sorry. Will she likely listen to any relation/s? Any small chance??

Robin233 · 18/06/2022 13:04

Sadly loneliness is a killer.
Your friend may even see what's happening and not even care ....
just be there for her.