Vulnerable friend moving new man in after a fortnight

[Foreverinjeans]

I have a lovely friend. She had an emotionally abusive LTR which ended 5 years ago and she's been single since. She has a history of depression and self harming. She is lovely, kind and vulnerable.

She joined Tinder and matched last week with 'her perfect man'. They've spent 8 of the last 10 days together, She says he's too good to be true, they have so much in common. It's uncanny.

Prior to this, she was considering single parenting via sperm donation. Prince charming is happy to support her in this, or see if they can have a child together. After 10 days. She is 42. Time isn't on her side. Alas.

And now it transpires, this new man has nowhere to live, he's been kicked out by his landlady and guess what? He's moving in with her. Surprise. Surprise. She's pretty wealthy, family money. Her parents haven't met him...

I am so worried. She doesn't live in the UK. I am due to fly out next week to see her.

She was off with me on facetime after I advised her not to move him in. He's a stranger.

She feels sorry for him. He has no options as its peak tourist season and apartments are hard to come by. Yet, he claims he is a professional with enough money not to work, but can't afford the summer rental prices. For context he's British, who has moved out there. She let slip there may be visa issues..

She hasn't met any of his friends or family, only an acquaintance from his gym.

I'm really concerned and due to see her next week. She is vulnerable. There are huge red flags around this man.
Our mutual friend has same concerns as me.

Any wise words. I have such a bad gut feeling this man is bad news.

Age means nothing to a parent. If my daughter was 42 and in trouble like this I would also want to know regardless of how old she is. And I know if it was me and I was 42 and in this type of situation my dad would want to help me too.

The way she has fallen for someone so awful has nothing to do with her own parents. I actually cannot believe what you have written here. The victim blaming, the way you think that because she is an adult she doesn't deserve love and friendliness.

I would be inclined to think you are the man in question. You sound like a piece of work to put it politely, manipulative and condescending. God forbid you have "friends" of your own, you don't seem to know how to be one.

She's vulnerable with men and is very lonely. Yes, I will continue to worry from afar. Its not nice watching it unfold.

Its her dad owns the property they're staying in at the moment. It seemed wise to let him know.

Other friends and family are as worried as me.
@Ishacoco. Sorry too hear that. You must get how it feels as if he's cast a spell.

Do you have a photo of him, ok if it’s them together. And you have his full name? Report him to local police as overstaying his visa.
it’s a very sad story.

@inthisworld

You sound absolutely vile. I read the first page (I have a life and don’t have time to trawl through 5 pages) where the OP hadn’t even MET the man yet and was talking about her friend as if she was disabled. I’m saying if she’s this “vulnerable” she should actually get help.

And I would be mortified, as a woman in my early thirties, let alone if I was in my forties if my friend went to my DAD about my relationship.

@iilyx you're talking utter shite

@ilyx I'm not sure you understand either how abusive men operate, or how vulnerable some adults can be emotionally.

Your comments aren't helpful.

Are you alright 😂 I sound vile?

Bit rich don't you think coming from you who has judged a woman going through a hard time when you couldn't even be bothered to read the whole story. Why comment if you only know a snippet of what happened?

You sound like a terrible friend and I stand by that.

Women who experience abuse, control or violence aren't any less deserving of respect or care. It doesn't mean they are thick or stupid. I certainly didn't think the op spoke of her friend as though she was disabled. She spoke of her as if she was a real friend who cared. I'm sorry if you have never experienced that yourself from someone else. It's free to be kind and honestly if anyone sounds vile here it's you.

After you met him, did you express your real concerns?

I believe in doing this - once - and straight for the jugular that you are really, really concerned , for all the reasons posters have said. Yep, tell her dad too.

But after laying my cards on the table, after that I would personally back off. There is a limit to how much you can do, and from so far away. At least she will have some “highly concerned friend” seeds planted in her mind and she may reflect on this. Also, she should be aware marriage means legal ties and sharing assets. A child also means ties to a man. Tell her 42 is still young (it is).

Even at age 42, women (and men) can be very naieve. In fact sometimes women may get more naieve and desperate with age - if the have been unsuccessful in their romantic lives they may now be engaging in wishful thinking at a level of overdrive. (I’ve done this, so I speak from experience). It can feel like a last chance for their happy ever after dream 😧. Which turns out not to be.

Oops, seen your further update. She is complaining of his creepy sexual demands, being triangulated with another woman (very typical Narcissism), and frightening her with his anger. Yet she’s still in some weird honeymoon stage??! V odd.

That's awful op.
So, she has given up her job :-(
Will she end up financially dependent on him (altho the flat is hers)

I'd ask your friend what wouldn't she accept from him. Make her think about that

It's super charged narcissism.

She's so out of control and wrapped up in him. Hoping this means the crash will happen soon.

As I said, it's as if she's under his spell @TiredBeyondTired . He seems to have an ability to reel her in.
I'm not sure if she has any boundaries left
That's why I fear he is an extremely dangerous man. Not just your average dickhead.

Did you not manage to say anything to her on holiday OP?
I would have made an excuse to get her on my own even for 5 minutes. It seems strange you couldn’t do that but are writing so much here on MN …

@Oyoyo yes I did.

I hope your friend escapes.

Which country are they in?

She acknowledges that her first relationship was abusive,?

Could she acknowledge that the feelings she's experiencing now are very familiar.
Delete / add as applicable

Trying to please
Trying not to dis please
Having to make unwanted changes for a "partner"
Feelings of hope it will be ok mixed in with fear it won't.
Feeling unsupported
Feeling invalidated
Fear of calling time and starting again, "going back to square one"

Any of these common to both relations?
Only recently she did want something better for herself.

Could any of these questions/comparisons be woven in to the next phonecall?

I feel for you @Foreverinjeans

What are you on @ilyx ? The poster you call ‘vile’ gave a very measured and empathetic response to your hissing post.