Vulnerable friend moving new man in after a fortnight

[Foreverinjeans]

I have a lovely friend. She had an emotionally abusive LTR which ended 5 years ago and she's been single since. She has a history of depression and self harming. She is lovely, kind and vulnerable.

She joined Tinder and matched last week with 'her perfect man'. They've spent 8 of the last 10 days together, She says he's too good to be true, they have so much in common. It's uncanny.

Prior to this, she was considering single parenting via sperm donation. Prince charming is happy to support her in this, or see if they can have a child together. After 10 days. She is 42. Time isn't on her side. Alas.

And now it transpires, this new man has nowhere to live, he's been kicked out by his landlady and guess what? He's moving in with her. Surprise. Surprise. She's pretty wealthy, family money. Her parents haven't met him...

I am so worried. She doesn't live in the UK. I am due to fly out next week to see her.

She was off with me on facetime after I advised her not to move him in. He's a stranger.

She feels sorry for him. He has no options as its peak tourist season and apartments are hard to come by. Yet, he claims he is a professional with enough money not to work, but can't afford the summer rental prices. For context he's British, who has moved out there. She let slip there may be visa issues..

She hasn't met any of his friends or family, only an acquaintance from his gym.

I'm really concerned and due to see her next week. She is vulnerable. There are huge red flags around this man.
Our mutual friend has same concerns as me.

Any wise words. I have such a bad gut feeling this man is bad news.

Contact her parents and get them to tell her they're cutting her off financially and remind her (in front of him) that the house is theirs. Once he knows his pay day ain't coming, he'll soon bugger off and show your friend who he was all along.

Oh dear, it sounds bad 🙁

you’re a good friend but be prepared for her to withdraw from you. Gentle Socratic questioning works best in these situations, not telling her how it is but soliciting it from her.

Crikey. Hope at the very least she gets the baby she desires.

It's a very long story but to sum it up;my nieces mum was taken in by a man who was a scum bag like this;he had baggage galore and painted an excellent tale of woe of having a hard life first because of his family and then by the evil abusive women who were the mothers of his children that were cruelly kept from him.

NM had a rented home of her own and just a month into the relationship the scumbag needed a place to stay so move from his home city and in with NM.

He soon had her pregnant and put an engagement ring on her finger;I don't think he counted on NM's family organising and paying for the wedding and him actually getting married.

Anyway;thé low level domestic abuse and control seeped it;he was a walking red flag;he even tried to convince NM to cut contact for my niece with her dad and our family however it never happened as NM pointed out we'd take her to court for access for my brother and niece.

He was a manipulative liar and would change his story to suit the situation he was in.And yes he acting as though NM has landed a catch in him too.

He managed to convince my NM to move into a bigger property with both on the rental agreement.They moved whilst NM was pregnant with their second child together.He moved in another woman and her child and started an affair whilst NM was heavily pregnant;his cover story was his "friend" and her child had been made homeless.

Two weeks after the birth of the baby he forced NM's out of the house and refused to allow her to take the children with her.Luckily it blew up in his face pretty quickly;he could have been charged with kidnapping my niece (he wasn't her legal guardian) and in this case social services actually offered help as they determined all 3 children should be together and therefore with their mum.

That was last year;his mistress is still living there,they are engaged even though he's not divorced yet,contact he campaigned for with the kids is trickled off with him not turning up and cancelling and we're waiting for his new woman to announce her pregnancy.If she does this will be his 7th child by a fifth woman.

He should have a warning tattooed on his forehead. Or his Willy.

Thanks for all the advice. God there are far too many of these dodgy men around.

I was charmingly polite. Have decided to warn her dad. Haven't said anything to friend. She won't listen. Sadly, she's going to learn the hard way.

He's creepily charismatic, a player the trpe that thinks complimenting women make you swoon at his feet.

He's certainly a lazy cocklodger. I strongly felt he was playing a role of devoted never felt like this before. Its their 3 week anniversary tomorrow. I don't think hes criminal. His failed marriage lasted 16 years, no kids. Hopefully he's a jaffa! (Forgive me for joking about that)

Had a small chuck of time with friend. Some glimmers of hope.
She confided they're argued about cleaning standards (she's pretty messy ) and he'd made her empty out cupboards.

He's also informed he that her indoor cats should be outside. He strongly feels that cats are outdoor animals and should be hunting, not stuck indoors. She's holding firm at the moment.They're rescue animals with conditions that mean they need to remain indoors.

Hes also demanded that she re-homes her rescue dogs. His own dog is terrified of them. There was a dog fight yesterday, resulting in cocklodger throwing my friends dog in pool. We were out. I left her to deal with him as I made a fuss of the poor dog.

I did a PP suggestion and asked how it made her feel?
She told me he made her feel ashamed for being messy and she didn't want to give up her dogs. And that he'd been OTT in his reaction, throwing her pet in the pool.

Wanted to explode! I gently said, it's your home and he's living there rent free. Perhaps he needs to chill and be more accepting.

I dislike him intensely. He strongly reminds me of an ex- colleague who wasn't what he seemed.
He's certainly controlling, manipulative and a liar. He's going to crush her and there's no way he'd be so keen if she wasn't wealthy.

Will warn her dad to check him out carefully and ask for discretion. I don't want to fall out with her. Have a feeling she's going to need people. Her loneliness is clouding her judgement.
Wanker!

The fact he is already controlling and mistreating her animals is terrifying:

"All the studies that explore the link between animal abuse and domestic violence strongly assert that when animal abuse exists – whether that is the household pet, or livestock such as horses and cattle – this is a warning sign that there may be domestic violence, or psychologically controlling, dominating, coercive, threatening, and isolating human-to-human tactics occurring in the home."

You're absolutely right to tell her dad and to continue the "goodness, how did you feel when he said / did that?" etc line as hard as it may be not to say "mate he's an absolute cunt and he doesn't give a shit about you, you're just a meal ticket to him."

Unfortunately as you say, she's going to have to learn the hard way. And it's important that if you find your mental health being impacted and you can't cope with it, you step back.

If you're overwhelmed and need to disengage then you can make it clear that you'll be there when it's over or if she needs to escape danger but that you can't cope with watching her be abused. I think you can only really do that once and then walk away, otherwise you end up getting dragged into the cycle of abuse when they keep getting back together etc.

You sound like such a lovely friend and I'm sorry you're going through the horrors of watching this unfold, it's so awful especially when you care about someone

Is she on the Costa Blanca? Send me a PM if so.

The animal stuff is definitely worrying.

Try to remind her subtly that just because she's let him in does not - after 3 weeks - mean that she has to let him stay. If the thought of getting rid of him makes her feel anxious then he is not a nice person.

..... if you feel able to. There are glimmers of hope, as you say.

Ugh, he sounds such a creep. It’s definitely good that her parents are in financial control, that prevents him from gaining direct access to her money. I agree with PP’s, inform her father of the situation and suggested he makes a family visit…bet that’ll put the wind up Mr. Creep.

it does sounds as if your father needs sone sort of support if she’s turning to people like this due to loneliness-could she move closer to her family perhaps?

Oh god op. This reminds me of an old friend of mine. We met in playgroup when we both had little girls. She was single and vulnerable with a painful health condition, then along came this man who had her believing he was her knight in shining armour. Within 2 weeks he was living with her and her little girl, a few weeks later she was pregnant with twin boys. It didn’t take long for us to know that something was going wrong, she never used to miss a group but we barely saw her, she was becoming quite and withdrawn and so was her little girl. She disappeared altogether in the end, I didn’t even know she’d had the twins until I bumped into her in town, she was a shadow of her former self. A few weeks after that she was in the local papers, this man had attacked her and tried to strangle her to death with a telephone cord. Obviously the police and social services were involved. She’d told everyone she’d broken up with him and wouldn’t go near him again. A couple of months later she was back in the papers, he was back living in her house and attacked her and her daughter with a baseball bat, knocked her 4/5yo daughters teeth out. He was arrested and bailed, but they were caught a few weeks later in a local park together with the children. She had all her children permanently removed by social services. I can’t believe this happened to what was such a lovely, once caring mum.

Her father needs to tell his daughter that the cocklodging cunt needs to leave. If she defends him, he needs to tell her to leave too. She will, thinking they’ll make a life together somewhere affordable and that love will out. But when the CC discovers that the gravy train has run out and he doesn’t get to live in a nice fancy house free of charge, he’ll be off. Like a shot.

Just be there to pick up the pieces.

This is absolutely horrific. I will always defend a woman who is being abused, but not when she puts the thrice-proven abuser above her children, who were violently physically assaulted by him.

A mum in our area did similar Ihate though sadly he killed both her and her daughter.

Its their 3 week anniversary tomorrow.
Aaaaaw, shall I send them some bunting?

OP - tell her dad everything, & labour the point about the dog incident until he gets it. He's already controlling her through shame. He's moved onto the pets. Violent abusers often harm the pets in order to exert total dominance over their human victim. This is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Money is replaceable. Pets & daughters less so. I think dad need to start strong-arming: not actually physically, but an intervention is needed now.

Strangely, he dotes on his own dog, claims to be an animal lover and yet behaves like that.
Emailed her dad.

Said I had reservations about this man
and listed all the points I've made on here. The intensity, the speed of it all. The red flags. The lack of job, despite holding professional careers and now claiming he writes. The moving in so quickly.

Was careful to add that I may be being over-cautious, but it's moved at breakneck speed. And thought he should be aware, so he can keep an eye out. Laboured the animals!

Asked for discretion. That I am acting out of love for her and if I'm wrong then will be delighted for her. I think he'll contact our local mutual friend. She's not as cynical as me but is really worried about this man. He's pretty switched on. Mum less so.

Stepping away now. I think telling her dad was right, he's family. It's a family concern.

Given your friend’s history of depression and self-harming, I don’t think you had much choice in sharing your concerns with her Dad. I hope it works out. 💐

OK.

Thanks for all the advice.. I think this man is not only a freeloading cocklodger. I now think he's bloody dangerous.

She called two weeks ago. Very upset, seemingly he likes to eye (younger women) up. Charmer. Makes her feel like shitb.

He also has an older female friend who he speaks to from time to time. He'd dismissed her as an older woman who was 'in love' with him. Friend overheard a call, heard him telling his 'friend' that he was concerned as he hadn't heard from her for 3 days. He was angered at this.

And it transpires, female friend is actually marrying someone else and has been partnered up all along. He made out she was single! She's also very attractive, not the 'crone' (his word) he'd described.

And he'd discussed my friend with this woman. she found the messages.

Lies. Endless lies.

Plus, he's had temper outbursts aimed at the pool maintenance man, randoms in supermarket.

He frightens her.

She was beginning to see it must end. That he is a manipulative schemer.

But he's gaslit her, it's her insecurities re other women, her fault she was single at 42. Who else would want her. Her past chances for a baby. Thank god she isn't pregnant.

So joyful reunion. The most scary bit. He's pushing her sexually. Has convinced her to experiment. Think BDSM..his last girlfriend was very into it. So she's going further to prove she's a match. Just what he wanted.

She's lost friends because of him and her family aren't happy

Today, she messaged; they're moving to the city where she owns her own flat. She's given notice on her job. Its all perfect and loved up.
And it's out of the reach of her family..

Many around her are frustrated - it's her second abusive relationship.

I'm frightened for her. Really feel this man is a wrong un.

Oh no, what some here feared. All you can is keep communication open. I wonder whether he does have any kind of police record, he sounds really horrible.

How can she say everything's wonderful after overhearing that call and reading messages on his phone?.....

@JanglyBeads .
I asked her that. He'd fed her bullshit. She's like family, he's used to confiding in her. Won't happen agn and he will stop contact. I pointed out he still lied about her. I suspect he has weird feelings for this old friend. As did my friend. Before he bullshitted.

It's like he's cast a spell on her.

It's abusive. The sexual boundaries, controlling her home environment, playing her off against other women.

Its horrible. Truly horrible. There is something off about him. When I met him, it felt like everything he said and did was pre meditated..
She's jumping through hoops for this man.

Im worried he's going to really hurt her. Physically I mean.

Sadly, her family are frustrated. They feel she has form for making poor relationship decisions. Doesn't help that both sisters are settled with young families.
Not sure who will help her.

No one falls in love faster than a man with no where to live 🤷‍♀️

Why do I keep seeing comments like this? It’s far more common for a woman to live off a man than vice versa.

I was charmingly polite. Have decided to warn her dad

I’m sorry but how old is this woman again!? FORTY TWO?! And you are running to her Daddy for help?

If you actually think she’s this much of an incapable child she can’t function in society surely you should be authorities involved.

God OP, how terrifying. I can't believe he abused her dog and she didn't send him packing....!

Sadly, I was in an abusive relationship with someone I was absolutely head over heels in love with. I adored him beyond everything. My family saw his true colours and hated him - I would happily have given up my entire family for him (no children at the time). He eventually broke up with me and it took a LONG time for the scales to fall from my eyes. I hope your friend is more switched on than I was.

FGS.

'Running to her Daddy for help' = reaching out to someone who will have her welfare as their top priority and that she will hopefully listen to. A remarkably sensible move.

Running to her Daddy for help' = reaching out to someone who will have her welfare as their top priority and that she will hopefully listen to. A remarkably sensible move

The whole thread is her talking about her 42 year old friend like she’s a child who cannot fiction in society. I’m saying maybe the authorities should be involved if she really is this vulnerable.

And do you think someone with a great, loving father ends up such a bad picker of men? So why do you assume he’ll be any help?