I'm too boring

[stillvicarinatutu]

So . Had a relationship which was pretty intense and I fell for him .

He broke it off last week . When pushed - the reason was he wanted someone with huge amounts of energy and drive , with a large social circle and a wide variety of interests so he could join in with me as much I joined in with him .
He was quirky , had asd. Did some quirky hobbies like circus skills and samba band . Has a hard time being alone so always on the go socialising.

It's made me feel absolutely shit. Like I'm some couch potato.
I have become quite solitary and isolated since my kids have grown into adults , I moved area so my social life suffered. He pursued me - after the first date I'd said let's be friends but he went all out and I ended up getting involved , we'd spent a lot of time together and I'd met his friends and kids .

It's given me a bit of a kick up the arse and I've now joined a yoga group, a crafting group, I've made friends with my neighbour and we're getting fit together. I've arranged to go horse riding with another friend who has horses and trains them for shows , (although if h he probably has an ulterior motive . )

It's made me feel like I have absolutely nothing to offer in a relationship. I'm boring . I think I'm having a bit of an existential crisis .
He said he thought if he stayed with me it would be work , eat , tv. Like his failed marriage .

I had no clue because he had t talked to me . He says he based his decision on what he saw , not what he wanted to see .

We are still vaguely in touch . I feel like I'm having to justify my entire existence. Yes I'm boring . I've been terribly depressed following a bad break up 3 years ago, a still born baby , a job I'd become dissatisfied with, a house move , and slowly I'd become more and more isolated. Lack of money doesn't help with hobbies . I struggle to make ends meet most months .

I've decided I'm not dating anymore. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to
Offer . I'm now really trying to get out there , socialise and take up some hobbies. But I feel like crawling into bed pulling the duvet over my head and staying there .

He sounds an absolute treat! I think you’ve dodged a bullet. It’s already seems that you’ve taken lots of steps to get out there/get new hobbies etc so I think you’re doing just fine. Don’t let some chump get you down and don’t give up on dating! Avoid him like the plague though.

Your not on your own, I'm boring as well. Dh loves socialising and going for a pint but I'd rather stay at home and do my own thing. We have 2 teenagers and I prefer to be at home and potter about than going out and about. It's your life, you do you x

Don’t have much advice but just wanted to say you’re not alone. I’m almost identical myself. Dying to create a life for myself but struggle with the drive / social anxiety. Lost social contacts and friendship groups from relocation. It’s shit . I feel all I do is so mundane and each day is the same. But you’re smashing it by getting out there any doing all this stuff right away. That’s admirable and something I would like to copy! And you’ve really gone all out! He will likely see this and be attracted to it for sure! Keep it up 😊💗

He sounds exhausting. He did you a favour. Sounds like he gets bored easily and likes a chase?

You sound absolutely great. Please stop doubting yourself. It's not about you but his issues. He needs to grow up.

Keep socialising and don't give up on love. You never know what's around the corner? Just work on your self confidence and don't let others chip away at it.

I'm baffled because we got on really well, our values and beliefs were aligned , we had the same tastes in music and tv (quirky ) and I don't click with many people . And the sex was amazing. He said that too. How well our values aligned and the sex and how well we got on .
But I'm just too lacking in drive and get up and go .

I'm menopausal. My get up and go got up and went about 8 yers ago when the rest of my life fell apart . I'm now
On hrt. It helps . He has given me
A kick up the arse to get out and find interests and hobbies but it's
Too late .

Circus skills OP ? I smiled when I read that. I don't think it would do for me

Yeah circus skills . My mate said the same . He said anyone who does that deserves a kick in the nuts and he said I have me to offer to a
Relationship and he thinks I'm great . But he's my best mate so
Would say that 😃

It’s never too late 🙂 and even if he doesn’t want to work things out , atleast you will be the best version of YOU. And be able to say ….

”look what you could have won!” 💁‍♀️

I’m sure your not boring !.
he sounds very much an acquired taste Circus skills ! Heavens above ! How old is he ?

Could be your just not compatible.

Understand you feeling fed up though rejection is the pits.
Sounds like you are getting into lots of new things. Don’t let it stop you from future dating though in time when your ready.

To me, he sounds achingly tedious. Running around constructing a personality from fucking circus skills and other ker-razeee time wasting. Bullshit.

That’s not what makes a person interesting.

His lack of sensitivity makes him even duller. A cruel bloke who thinks he’s amazing because he does a bit of samba? Now that is yawn-worthy.

OP wake up, you’ve been dragged into his reality and told to judge yourself harshly - but it’s not the truth at all.

I'm a bit tipsy so I apologise if this makes no sense
But you have to be you. So what if he thinks you're boring. I had a friend like him and it drove me nuts as I felt pressured to do so much so we drifted apart.

Take him out of the equation, are you fine with how you spend your free time?

Why is this one circus performer's opinion the basis of your self opinion? What makes him so important? His trapeze skills? Or is it the fire eating?

I don't want to put him down but I'm sorry it's made you feel this way. I'm so sorry you lost your baby. You have had one of life's most horrific things happen to you, so getting out of bed every day and trying to move forward makes you a courageous woman to me, even if you don't have a wide circle and loads of hobbies. Don't overcompensate now. Stick to a feasible amount of activities and see where life takes you... maybe you'll feel good about yourself and meet someone else along for the ride.

Is your best mate single by any chance? He sounds really great. (For you, not me!)

It's given me a b it if a wake up call because I had become solitary and isolated and I'm actually very outgoing and sociable .

I'd got a bit depressed I think . But I've now booked yoga , starts next week, joined the crafting group, arranged a horse ride with my horse trainer friend , and my neighbour and I had already become good mates - we chat most nights over the fence ! We're doing HIT workouts from Monday together and we've said we'll go out for a drink together. She's lovely . We get on really well.

He's just made me feel so so shit . Yes I'd got into a rut but if he'd just talked to me . Instead he just ended the relationship. When I pushed for an explanation that was it . He said he wasn't meaning to be cruel . But he'd been all in - I had absolutely no warning .

Let me guess, he left his marriage because it wasn't enough "fun", he was expected to make the odd sacrifice, and, like you, his ex boringly continued raised the children and worked her arse off providingthem with stability?
Enjoy your new hobbies for your own sake, don't feel you have to perform for this man who sounds like a character Julia Davis would write! (I'm another one lolling at Circus skills!!). You don't sound boring to me OP, you sound like you just need to show yourself some love.

No hollow my best friend is married 😂.

But he said I'm the best person he ever worked with , he said "you have you to offer to a relationship- a funny , smart , charismatic good looking woman " and he said don't let him fuck with your head .

But he's biased .
And I have been a boring bastard for the last few years .

It was cruel though OP.. and there is your red flag, apart from the inability to juggle six balls in the air at once, eat fire and walk on your washing line :)

🤣. Thank you . Yeah I can juggle 3 balls but I can't do Ariel silks or play a drum . 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm just aching a bit . He'd been a big part of my life and now he's gone . And it made me realise to some extent - he was right .

But I'm doing this go to rectify that and I'm trying to get out more now and find interests and hobbies.

He’s doing circus skills but you are the expert in juggling - rearing a family, house move, work, menopause, … Uouare entitled to be restful and quiet! These are valid choices! Don’t wear yourself out in the pursuit of self-improvement, but try the hobbies, see what you LOVE, and immerse yourself.

I’m now in a very low key relationship which gives me loads of me-time, long hikes and talks with this guy, excellent sex when I have the free time, and no pressure as I juggle kids and work. My last relationship (excellent sex, constantly figuring out and organising my life to find space for him) fizzled out because I was maxed out with very little quiet time to just be (broke up just before the pandemic, and I discovered through enforced singleness and isolation that actually recharging my own batteries gave me my own insights into what life was like when I put myself first.)

You’re not boring! You are open to trying new things, and meeting new people, building friendships and kindred spirits. I hope you find you love it.

Did some quirky hobbies like circus skills and samba band . Has a hard time being alone so always on the go socialising.

He sounds insufferable. You sound completely normal.

As someone above said, Clown guy is busying himself with all these "wacky" hobbies because he's got nothing else going for him besides that. He's made quirky activities his core (and probably whole) personality.

Also, people like that tend to use a perfect & fantasy ideal as the yardstick to compare realistic partners too so you'll always fall short. That means they can feel justified in their decision because you'll never quite match up to the untouchable vision in their mind. Usually it's because they have an avoident attachment style or emotionally unavailable - perhaps a terrible mix of both!

Go no contact with the Clown, do your new hobbies for you and live your life how you want. And when he comes back (because they always bloody do in such a pathetically predictable fashion) you'll have moved on and will feel great about how full and content you are being you. Xxx

FFS -he is a twat. Just lie down and enjoy relaxing. When you are ready, if you are ever ready, you can do stuff that pleases you. Not anyone else.

Block him!