I'm too boring

[stillvicarinatutu]

So . Had a relationship which was pretty intense and I fell for him .

He broke it off last week . When pushed - the reason was he wanted someone with huge amounts of energy and drive , with a large social circle and a wide variety of interests so he could join in with me as much I joined in with him .
He was quirky , had asd. Did some quirky hobbies like circus skills and samba band . Has a hard time being alone so always on the go socialising.

It's made me feel absolutely shit. Like I'm some couch potato.
I have become quite solitary and isolated since my kids have grown into adults , I moved area so my social life suffered. He pursued me - after the first date I'd said let's be friends but he went all out and I ended up getting involved , we'd spent a lot of time together and I'd met his friends and kids .

It's given me a bit of a kick up the arse and I've now joined a yoga group, a crafting group, I've made friends with my neighbour and we're getting fit together. I've arranged to go horse riding with another friend who has horses and trains them for shows , (although if h he probably has an ulterior motive . )

It's made me feel like I have absolutely nothing to offer in a relationship. I'm boring . I think I'm having a bit of an existential crisis .
He said he thought if he stayed with me it would be work , eat , tv. Like his failed marriage .

I had no clue because he had t talked to me . He says he based his decision on what he saw , not what he wanted to see .

We are still vaguely in touch . I feel like I'm having to justify my entire existence. Yes I'm boring . I've been terribly depressed following a bad break up 3 years ago, a still born baby , a job I'd become dissatisfied with, a house move , and slowly I'd become more and more isolated. Lack of money doesn't help with hobbies . I struggle to make ends meet most months .

I've decided I'm not dating anymore. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to
Offer . I'm now really trying to get out there , socialise and take up some hobbies. But I feel like crawling into bed pulling the duvet over my head and staying there .

FirstlyOP, I'm sorry this guy hurt you, he does sound like a bit of a nob deep down. Sometimes I think people come into your life for a reason to show you something or to push you in a certain direction. Perhaps the purpose of this guy was to prompt you to change some stuff and make yourself more happy. It hurts now but longer term, you may come to see him a catalyst rather than regret the loss of the relationship. I certainly have met guys who I thought I really liked, but after they dropped me, I really worked on myself and now I realise that was their real purpose in my life-- and also I realised they were mostly idiots.

Secondly I want to say to everyone slating him for his hobbies,
that having quirky hobbies doesn't make you a dick-- I have friends into circus, live action role play, swing dancing, Druidry, goth, cabaret, improv etc and they are all lovely people. It's no more OK to slate people for unusual hobbies than it would be to say those who only work, watch TV and go to the footie on a weekend are boring arses.

I would guess he's projecting his own fears of being bored/boring onto you. You don't completly fit with the frentic lifestyle he's adopted to ensure that he cannot be a Boring Person, which can only mean that you yourself must be a Boring Person - thr horror! Quick get rid, phew close escape. Back to remaining exciting at all times for him.

It definitely wasn't about you.

Christ he sounds insufferable 😂

Don't waste time trying to jump through his hoops. His ASD will make him more prone to having rigid ideas about what's right and wrong. It's why you're more live and let live and he can't be because it's his way or the highway.

Give him a cheery wave off and get on with living a life that is unapologetically your own.

So you are going to rejoin after your ‘break’ from them, even if it is for a few weeks, just to get into the habit. They were a happy place for you. I realize time has moved on since you last did them but go and get high on those Dopamines, Serotonin, Endorphins and Oxytocin. Maybe you could have a few life coach sessions to help boost your wellbeing.

I'm boring too. Thankfully DH accepts that I'm happy in my own company or his. I've had boyfriends in the past who have found it strange or worrying.

I can understand why this touched a nerve.

I don't think he's wrong in what he wants.....but I'm surprised he has children. How often does he have them over, exactly? Many parents are just very tired.

Some people have a lot of energy and need to do things all the time. That's fine, but that doesn't mean they're automatically superior. I think he doesn't want life to be mundane, but life is pretty mundane for most people.

I seem to be attracted to people who are a bit off the wall . Sadly I live in a quaint little village while he's in a major city with access to all these "interesting " pursuits

If you are interested in people who are a bit 'off the wall', ask yourself why. Sometimes people are attracted to this type of person because they have a lot of vibrancy and passion, and provide a bit of colour to someone's life. They energize (or frazzle) the people around them. They're exciting.

However, those types of people will be usually be looking for someone like them, or someone even more interesting, more energetic or more quirky than they are. And there's nothing wrong with that.....because that's kind of what you were looking for in him....isn't it?

You need to ask yourself why you weren't drawn to someone like you? Would that not be enough? What were you looking for in him?

@GrumpyTerrier I think it's partly because many people don't expect adults to be doing circus skills, and partly because on Mumsnet, the women are very protective over the women who post, generally. A lot are spot on with their comments, but sometimes they're too harsh on the man involved. They do this to try and make the poster feel better, a sort of collective 'YEAH! Fuck him!!' ......but it won't always help in the longterm .

He sounds very annoying I think. Hobbies aren't what makes a person interesting. You can be exceptionally busy and as boring as fuck.

Anyway, maybe this has made you evaluate your life -I think it's good to focus on things that make you feel good. Whatever that is. I love walking my dogs. I love reading.

That's the thing earthsight - he was exactly like me ! Apart from the need to do things all the time . If I said to most people did you watch xyz most people look at me funny but we had the exact same tastes , I'm quirky in some ways and I've been told that many times but I think my usually cheery disposition warms people to me rather than they just think I'm bats😂. We had the same tastes , same likes, same values , when I asked if he'd watched something on tv one night cos I said if you struggle to relax and do nothing try watching this and he replied yes I've watched that and you'll know that because we are the same person . We'd done that 16 personality types test and we got the same result , I suppose he was just drawing me out of my shell a bit after being holed up recovering from some life changing events . He said he feels he went into the relationship for the wrong reasons as he was looking for security and comfort that a relationship brings , and that he feels there is some emptiness in him he needs to resolve because it makes him leap in feet first and think he's falling in love . Personally I think he will find it quite difficult to get everything he wants in one person with a tick list like he seems to have and there does t seem to be room for compromise. I don't know why I go for people who are a bit different- maybe because I am too . I like things other people don't seem to . I once went into pets at home for cat litter and came home with 9 rescue rats 🤷🏻‍♀️. He seemed quite "woke" and empathetic, self aware , kind . I liked his style . But he definitely did the whole love bombing thing to begin with- I'd been dating for about 2 years and hadn't really let anyone in. I was reluctant and hesitant about seeing him romantically. He also talks a lot to other people, I'm like that too and very open and that embarrassed my last partner so I thought him just accepting me for me was a breath of fresh air - and he said that initially- that he just accepted me for me and he thought my ex was a dick for feeling embarrassed by me . I was really falling for him . Then out of the blue he just turned up one night , dumped and ran . I pressed him for an explanation in the following days and he came out with this stuff about wanting an active lifestyle, with someone with huge amounts of energy and drive , who could inspire him and push him on . That there were things about me he knew he didn't want to live with long term and he could see his life being work, eat, tv. Mundane . He wants someone that matches his apparent zest for life and to stop him slipping into that mundane existence I think . I had no issue with his pursuits , friendships . I liked his kids . He had them 50% of the time and I was the first person he'd been with since his marriage who had any interest in them . Wed been bowling and out with them , they're teens and the youngest really took to me - and they're both autistic . My son is autistic so I was perfectly accepting . I'm just reeling a bit . And sad. An now sat gazing at my own navel .

We had the same tastes , same likes, same values

That's rubbish OP :( Sometimes everything makes sense, but people's emotional needs can be different.

he was looking for security and comfort that a relationship brings

But he definitely did the whole love bombing thing to begin with

I'm now sure if people like this really 'see' the other person. It's more that they see a sort of haze in front of you, and the real you is obscured to them. They get overly excited but they haven't really connected with you.

who could inspire him and push him on

Fair enough but I'd be wary of those types that what they actually want is a combination of a life coach / inspirational speaker / cheerleader - lots of emotional labour but that doesn't mean they emotionally connect with you on a deep level. The emotional labour might only one way.

I don't think he dealt with this very well. I don't think 100% honestly is the right policy all the time and I'm sorry that he has left you feeling this way. Clearly there are emotional differences. It's really shit when you meet someone with so many commonalities and something like this gets in the way. I think he's running from a mundane life. It sounds like he is looking for that feeling of transcendence that one usually gets from religious experiences or love, but that change in consciousness, but that is fleeting.

You sound lovely OP! My ex BF dumped me by text before Christmas! One of the reasons was that he was a bit bored and we didn't have enough in common.
After the initial awfulness, it's given me a massive lease of life. I've been doing my own thing and really it's been great. I was so busy seeing him all the time. I've embraced being at home more, decluttered the house etc, seen friends.

I'm now seeing someone and its very low key and I get alot more time to myself to be boring on my own. 🤣

It sounds like you are still dazed by the love bombing a bit. This "Oh we are so alike - watched the same programmes, had the same personality type" stuff is revealing. If there are only 16 personality types (questionable) then there will be plenty of others who fit yours. If a programme is screened it's because sufficient people will watch it to make it viable. Same taste in TV and character quiz matching doesn't make him that rare a find.

He sounds completely tiresome.

Hmm circus training indeed. I think that says a lot about him and not in an impressive way. What’s he trying to prove. What did he miss out on so much in his earlier life.

Yes it is good to go out and make an effort BUT do it for you, because it sounds like you’re doing it for him retrospectively or because you feel you have to.

He's asked for us not to message for a few weeks .

He's now in therapy and says he struggles to realise the distinction between being accepted and being in love.

He doesn't try to be different- he just is - so when accepted he's so grateful he thinks he's in llove or something.
Sadly for me I didn't just accept him - his differences were what made me like him .

But he doesn't want to be in touch anymore

The guys a clown 🤡

This is way too much like hard work.

Yeah it probably is . And he doesn't want me anyway . Need to let him go gaze at his navel and have his therapy and work out wtf he actually wants .

Need to let him go gaze at his navel and have his therapy and work out wtf he actually wants

This is the rub with "I want someone who inspires me" types. They don't actually know what they want. despite the whole quirky personality thing, they don't seem to actually have a strong sense of internal self. So they rely on constantly being busy and surrounding themselves with mirrors other people to impose a sense of identity upon them.

My ex was like this. And she gave me the "need some who inspires me" line too. She wanted to go on walks. I could have suggested walks, but that would have been seen as me being too overbearing. She could have thought of walks herself, of her own accord. But that wasn't what she wanted either. She wanted me to inspire her to think of walks herself. I don't know how. Maybe via osmosis.

Personally, I think its tiresome. I'd much rather have a person who is quietly confident and can handle a moment of silence without freaking out.

I know this is stupid but I really miss him .

But I've done a workout daily and started class yoga today - quit cigs (5 days now) and drink so much less because I'm busy .

I really want to message him .

There is a guy I could have a fwb type arrangement with-he's basically said that, he's a hottie . Wonder if it would help. And no pretence of a relationship just an arrangement.

He sounds awful. I'm sure none of you in this thread are boring.

It sounds like you've started some new activities @stillvicarinatutu , but don't feel you have to do stuff to prove you're not boring. Just enjoy what you enjoy, even when it's chilling out at home.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your LO.

There is a guy I could have a fwb type arrangement with-he's basically said that, he's a hottie . Wonder if it would help. And no pretence of a relationship just an arrangement.

@stillvicarinatutu Even if you're on the same page at first, this is a recipe for ending up feeling used in my unfortunately extensive experience.

Also, I had a partner who called me boring and the underlying implication (although he implied it was general) was that I wasn't giving him sex as often as he wanted.

God no the sex was amazing and often. Like for hours . Never had anything like it before . It definitely wasn't the sex . Or lack of .

He actually told his friend he'd finally met his match in the bedroom.
He was on swinging sites and by own admission loved fucking .
I like him a lot , his touch did it for me so there was a lot of sex . He's given that up . He's now navel gazing and unpicking his attachment style .

I'm wondering if you might benefit from a bit of the same OP. Like you say you had fallen into a rut, were smoking again and didn't know why etc. And now you find yourself trying to understand how to move on from a relationship that wasn't working. Perhaps talking things through with a professional may help you too.