I'm too boring

[stillvicarinatutu]

So . Had a relationship which was pretty intense and I fell for him .

He broke it off last week . When pushed - the reason was he wanted someone with huge amounts of energy and drive , with a large social circle and a wide variety of interests so he could join in with me as much I joined in with him .
He was quirky , had asd. Did some quirky hobbies like circus skills and samba band . Has a hard time being alone so always on the go socialising.

It's made me feel absolutely shit. Like I'm some couch potato.
I have become quite solitary and isolated since my kids have grown into adults , I moved area so my social life suffered. He pursued me - after the first date I'd said let's be friends but he went all out and I ended up getting involved , we'd spent a lot of time together and I'd met his friends and kids .

It's given me a bit of a kick up the arse and I've now joined a yoga group, a crafting group, I've made friends with my neighbour and we're getting fit together. I've arranged to go horse riding with another friend who has horses and trains them for shows , (although if h he probably has an ulterior motive . )

It's made me feel like I have absolutely nothing to offer in a relationship. I'm boring . I think I'm having a bit of an existential crisis .
He said he thought if he stayed with me it would be work , eat , tv. Like his failed marriage .

I had no clue because he had t talked to me . He says he based his decision on what he saw , not what he wanted to see .

We are still vaguely in touch . I feel like I'm having to justify my entire existence. Yes I'm boring . I've been terribly depressed following a bad break up 3 years ago, a still born baby , a job I'd become dissatisfied with, a house move , and slowly I'd become more and more isolated. Lack of money doesn't help with hobbies . I struggle to make ends meet most months .

I've decided I'm not dating anymore. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to
Offer . I'm now really trying to get out there , socialise and take up some hobbies. But I feel like crawling into bed pulling the duvet over my head and staying there .

Do not feel bad about yourself. You are enough! This happened to me once when I was younger. Totally lovebombed by this very quirky guy who never wanted to sit still and loved having an audience. About six months later he broke up with me saying I didn't do enough.

I'm not going to lie - I still think about it sometimes. It's taken me quite a long time to figure out that the things I like and the way i like to live is very 'internal.' I don't need praise or an audience. I'm a thinker not a doer.

There's nothing wrong with realizing a relationship isn't what you want. But to frame it in a way that makes the other person seem inferior - boring, unambitious - just reveals that he has a big ego and some real insecurity.

Also - there's nothing wrong with being boring! Absolutely my life choice.

Circus skills??? Fuck me what an absolute nobber. Give me a couch, a cup of tea and an iPad any day.

Thank you . X

I am doing these new things for me - because I realise something has been missing from my life for a while .

I work shifts which makes it difficult to commit to regular activities.

He also blamed me for being a
Bad influence- I drink and for some obscure reason even I can't work out i started smoking again about 6 weeks ago - just boredom I think . He said he didn't want to live with these things long term . And that's fine . I don't either . He was drinking craft ales and nicking my fags -
I've put the fags down and when I'm busier I wont be as bored .

I had got myself into a bit of a rut but it hurts he didn't even talk to me about it - he just opted out .

In the long term I feel he's probably done me a favour pointing these things out because I used to be the busiest, most active person. I did all sorts of stuff with the kids but now I live alone I just fell into bad habits , cooking, tv. My job changed a lot this year too because I have a knee injury so I've really not been as active .

I'd just got myself into a rut . He made me see it . And now I'm doing something about it .

Why am I picturing Mr Claypole…

😂😂😂. Omg . That's funny .

He's a science teacher. And he looks like one . Not that dissimilar 😂

I'm just sad because I really did like him .

I asked what his plans were for weekend .
Wild swimming, gigs , pub , samba gig , and exam marking .

Yeah ? Mine is sleep .

But from Monday I'm getting fit with my neighbour, doing yoga , (paid for so I have to go !) next weekend is horse riding , and I'm waiting for the crafting groups timetable.

Oh and I'm off back to my burlesque classes . I gave that up 3 years ago when my partner and I split . Mojo went .
But I'm being welcomed back with open arms . Dodgy knee not withstanding 😂

You are simply two people with a very different outlook on life.

He may think you're boring, you may think he tries too hard and needs constant stimulation to just live. There is nothing wrong with either. There is no need to make fun of him and put him down (as other posters have done). Just to recognise that both of you need to find someone compatible with your own needs.

OP, there are oodles of guys out there who like to chill at home and are not that fussed about new hobbies and lots of socialising. Keep being yourself, doing what you like and one of those guys will eventually find you, or you him.

Op, has it occurred to you that he may be wrong?

You are not his social secretary, you are not the warm up act or a performing monkey. You don't sound boring, you sound like a normal person who makes their life work, who has ups and downs, who has raised children, who enjoys the normal things in life.
Maybe you had a down spell but if he had been a decent partner, he would have supported you through that, drawn you out of yourself. Instead he announced he's bored, blames you like a spoilt thre year old and calls you names.

I think you are well rid of a very self centred man.

I didn't think he tried to hard tho - I was very much live and let live . I supported his hobbies and social life and said we don't need to be joined at the hip .

He's the one who ended it because I wasn't like him - not the other way round .

He was someone I liked very much . His differences made him . And I liked that . I just feel I was
More tolerant of his differences than he was of my - boringness?

And the sad thing is - it's only the last few years I've got into this rut . I did martial arts , made jewellery, did burlesque, kept fit, went to gym , went running, did night classes, volunteered at a stables , - he didn't stick around long enough to find any of that kit just decided I'm boring with no drive . 🤷🏻‍♀️. I had t felt the need to seek myself because I thought he was happy .

Sell* myself not seek

Anyway I'm starting a new chapter. Without anyone . For me .

Sounds good.

This is good OP. And fwiw you don't sound boring at all, you sound like you were having a much needed recovery period from some horrific events - and I'm so sorry you lost your baby

But you know what, years ago I had a boyfriend who told me I was boring. I believed him for an alarmingly long time. It turns out I'm not boring, he was lazy and insecure in himself - hated being on his own, but also didn't want to have to put any effort into planning dates or anything.

We were very young so it took me a long time and the perspective of someone who had never met him, but knew me much later on, to realise the truth of it. (Her take on it was specifically "but you don't take anyone else at face value and you make all your own decisions without any care for what you're supposed to do or what's expected, why the FUCK have you assumed his opinion is The Truth?" - I still don't have an answer to that 😳)

You sound awesome and I too burlesque although have fallen out of the habit over covid - I hope you enjoy going back!

He sounds awful.

What are you, a puppet?

OP you sound amazing, with or without any hobbies and a social life.

he sounds like a bf I had a long time ago. Every evening after work he was doing something, socializing or some activity. His Weekends weee packed full of activities. I was never the type to do so many things and he got bored of me. He wanted me to have a busy social calendar like him but Altho I would go with him to some of the activities on the weekend I didn’t want to cram so much in every weekend. Im happy to hang out at home doing not much but I’m not easily bored like he was. He ended it with me and I was devastated. But over time I realized that we were too different because he wanted someone who was just as active as he was so we wouldn’t have made it long term anyway.

You sound lovely, I'm sorry you're sad but the right person will want you to be the best version of yourself and support you to do that, not ditch you to find someone else. I can tell you believe this guy and what he's said, I wish you would see that you're perfect the way you are.

Agreed.

You're doing stuff, OP, it's just not the things he wants to do. Your stuff sounds more fun to me.

Please, please do not say you're boring, you are not at all. He sounds tedious.

If you’re struggling to make ends meet then for gods sake don’t commit to a whole load of expensive running around to disprove to yourself what some eejit’s said about you.

Yoga and crafting, I’m there. Circus skills? Way too try hard. Just the thought of him makes me tired 🥱 sounds like he’s very focused on being “interesting” which in itself is boring as fuck.

Not one drop of my self worth relies on any outside validation, thats what you need to think, l used to run around joining groups at one stage because l thought thats what l should be doing, then l woke up.
He 's not the one for you, let him go find super "interesting" woman, and they can do their groups together, l would question how interesting his own social life is if he's having to leech off yours.

Omg this is precisely what I was thinking.

People who think they're whacky are so tedious!

He sounds like very hard work.

And you sound normal. Spend your free time how you enjoy spending your free time. Do the fun things you enjoy and don't fill your calendar forcing yourself to do things that you'd rather not.

I think most woman (including myself) have a very similar lifestyle.

This