I'm too boring

[stillvicarinatutu]

So . Had a relationship which was pretty intense and I fell for him .

He broke it off last week . When pushed - the reason was he wanted someone with huge amounts of energy and drive , with a large social circle and a wide variety of interests so he could join in with me as much I joined in with him .
He was quirky , had asd. Did some quirky hobbies like circus skills and samba band . Has a hard time being alone so always on the go socialising.

It's made me feel absolutely shit. Like I'm some couch potato.
I have become quite solitary and isolated since my kids have grown into adults , I moved area so my social life suffered. He pursued me - after the first date I'd said let's be friends but he went all out and I ended up getting involved , we'd spent a lot of time together and I'd met his friends and kids .

It's given me a bit of a kick up the arse and I've now joined a yoga group, a crafting group, I've made friends with my neighbour and we're getting fit together. I've arranged to go horse riding with another friend who has horses and trains them for shows , (although if h he probably has an ulterior motive . )

It's made me feel like I have absolutely nothing to offer in a relationship. I'm boring . I think I'm having a bit of an existential crisis .
He said he thought if he stayed with me it would be work , eat , tv. Like his failed marriage .

I had no clue because he had t talked to me . He says he based his decision on what he saw , not what he wanted to see .

We are still vaguely in touch . I feel like I'm having to justify my entire existence. Yes I'm boring . I've been terribly depressed following a bad break up 3 years ago, a still born baby , a job I'd become dissatisfied with, a house move , and slowly I'd become more and more isolated. Lack of money doesn't help with hobbies . I struggle to make ends meet most months .

I've decided I'm not dating anymore. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to
Offer . I'm now really trying to get out there , socialise and take up some hobbies. But I feel like crawling into bed pulling the duvet over my head and staying there .

People are not the sum of all their activities.

Omg I really like the sound of your best mate. Why don't you listen to him instead of your loser ex!
Also he is a science teacher! I have a practical suggestion, why not watch Big School over the weekend ? (BBC comedy show from a while ago).It is so funny, has great actors in it like Frances de la Tour and Catherine Tate. And David Walliams plays a science teacher. I personally as a secondary school teacher feel Walliams nails the type. See what you think.

Circus skills and samba? Wow, so coooool (not).

Do you know what the secret to a good relationship is? Being able to be yourself and someone loving you for it and despite it.

No one's perfect. He's not going to find someone if he keeps projecting his past relationships on new ones.

And you won't if you keep changing for others and doubting yourself.

Be you! It's good you're getting out IF that's what YOU want. Find someone who's more down to earth x

Circus skills. He thinks look at me all quirky and interesting. Most of us think twat. I would go with the majority. 😁

seems to me you can have this conversation without pissing all over his hobbies - I find that a bit grating. If you were the one with the unusual hobbies and he wanted to sit at home and watch TV we’d be seeing completely different responses. Sorry it didn’t work out but you shouldn’t have to change who you and neither should he.

One of my husbands favourite things about me is that I’m boring! (He’s boring too, but I’m definitely the most boring). It does sound like this has been a bit of a wake up call, and perhaps you’ll be thanking him for this one day, but please remember, it’s okay to be ‘boring’ whatever that is! Please don’t start making these changes because of him, only make changes for you Xxx

It's not you, OP. It sounds like he wants to be entertained all the time and is happier when among big lively groups of people.

I'm sure you do have a lot to offer even if it isn't your circus skills!

You're just different. Incompatible. He sounds insensitive and tactless. Quirky - ugh.

It's good that you've taken up some new hobbies - carry on with those if you like them. And don't give up on dating! You do you.

I must be the only one who thinks that his hobbies sound quite fun. Would love to go to a samba gig. I am also autistic with lots of hobbies that would probably get slated here. The way he's broken off things sounds unnecessarily cruel but you may find that you enjoy some of these changes you're making so it could be that something good will come out of something awful.

I would definitely not be keeping in touch with him though. If you want to try out a few changes in your life you should do it for you, his approval should mean absolutely nothing. Once you've tried out a few new things you can keep what works, ditch what doesn't and this guy need never know a thing.

He sounds like an exhausting, needy knob who probably throws photo after photo of himself on Instagram posing with cocktails and dressing up at festivals because he's just soooooo edgy.

Well guess what? I spend my weekends hiking through forests alone and doing big long canal walks with nothing but Fleetwood Mac for company because I'm an anti social bastard and I fucking hate talking to people. If I find the love of my life and he is attracted to my independent, solitary lifestyle great. If he thinks I'm boring? FUCK him.

Be yourself 👍

You really don't need to jump through hoops of fire for him now he's chucked you, to prove how 'interesting' you are. You may simply be incompatible. Maybe you like a quiet life. Maybe you are richly fulfilled by everyday existence and don't need dancing ponies to make you feel alive. Nothing wrong with that.

If it hurt because you agree with him deep down, then it's given you the kick start you needed after a tough time in life, to start being more active and engaged with life. If it hurt because he has attacked who you fundamentally happily are, then you will get over it and find someone more suited to you. Lots of people enjoy a quiet domestic life and loads of men would be delighted to meet a woman they can properly relax with and not feel they have to put on a constant show.

He sounds like a hyperactive toddler and a bit "I'm mad, me". Bet his Instagram is a cringe fest.

Activities don't make you an interesting person.

The thing I like about getting older is I can do things I like and enjoy and not give a shit if other people think it's lame or boring. I have friends who still go out clubbing. No thanks, would rather be at home with my dog. Think I'm boring? Don't give a shit.

He sounds like he's more interested in saying he does quirky stuff than having an actual personality.

Stop calling yourself boring! Right now!

Life twists around and sometimes we need to retreat and recover. You sound fantastic.

He on the other hand sounds an utter tool.

'Do you know what the secret to a good relationship is? Being able to be yourself and someone loving you for it and despite it.'

This!

You shouldn't have to change who you are for anyone, or indeed what makes you comfortable. If, at the moment, you don't quite feel like being super social then that's absolutely fine- why should someone else tell you how to live?

My last ex told me that he thought about me lots before we actually got together, thinking how wonderful it would be to be with me. Well, once we split he actually said that 'I wasn't what he had thought I would be and hadn't lived up to what he had imagined' !!!!!!! I mean, seriously? If I'd actually still been bothered about him this would have really hurt me but as I'd discovered he was (is) a narcissistic alcoholic bully, I almost found it amusing! How dare he basically say I wasn't as 'amazing' as he had imagined!! He, well, both of us found that we are very different people and so comparatively, because I barely drink and decide to meet my friends for coffee or lunch rather than go out and have 15 pints, I am boring! (Bare in mind we have a baby).

If someone has to bring you down, it's them with the self-esteem issue. Go out and do activities and hobbies- but only if you want to- not because some nasty man has made you feel bad about yourself.

And ironically, you don't sound boring in the least! His loss!!!!

It doesn’t mean your boring, I just think you weren’t suited to each other.
im a bit like he is, though my social circle isn’t huge, I keep busy and have lots of hobbies, I rarely sit still mainly because I can’t (ADHD) but I understand that a lot of people are not like this.

It sounds like he wants to date his double, someone that enjoys all the things he enjoys and thinks the same way as he thinks, sadly he will be waiting a life time for this 😬. Sounds like you’ve had a good escape.

So beautifully put. 'Life twists around' and sometimes we need to recover. Anyone who lacks the emotional maturity to understand this is not a keeper.

You had several knock backs emotional, physical, circumstantial. You are allowed time to regroup. If he bothered to get to know you, he would realise that.

His criticism has given you the kick you needed to get back into living a life you enjoy more. That's good. But you shoudl never feel you have to be a performing bear to keep a man's attention.

Really, circus skills and a samba band are a cry for help. He is searching for something exciting and absorbing, hence the high at the beginning of your relationship. Especially because you were inclined not to pursue it.

So it's nothing to do with you - he is just someone who lurches desperately from one "passion" to the next, trying to fill a hole which will never be filled.

By all means make changes to your life if you want to and feel it would make you happier, but not because of him.

It just sounds like he's (a right knob) not right for you.

My dp and I are introverts, we both love home. We make sense.

Stop contact. It really will help.

It’s great that you have found some new hobbies but great for you. Nothing to do with men. Go and enjoy them

Grieve for the loss of the relationship for a time then move on 💐

That's really quite accurate- he said he feels there is something wrong in that he feels a deep emptiness that makes his relationships very intense to begin with. And yes he does festivals and dresses up in sparkly stuff .
I dunno , I just liked him and I suppose it's made me realise I'd fallen quite a long way, but then again he also said he is not happy with his own company where as I am . I can just sit and read or listen to music and chill .

@stillvicarinatutu I had a similar relationship where he would always have a go at me because I wasn’t as adventurous as him. I’m really happy with my simple and quiet life! I’m constantly mindful and I’m genuinely happy! This problem is his, not yours. He’s trashed you because he’s too insecure about himself and not appearing exciting etc.
You have been through some massive traumas and you are a f*ing warrior for getting through! You may still feel sad but you are here trying and you are worthy of love and respect.

Take some time. Make your life your own. If it’s full of TV and early nights then bloody we’ll own it! Screw him.
You have loads to offer. And when you finally see that then others will too 💜

Sorry. He has actually done you a favour. You have acted on what he said and actively sought new interests. If he has ended it without at least discussing it then it didn’t mean enough to him. Thank him and move on. He wasn’t for you xxx please don’t let it wreck your confidence -,there are some nice men out there who will love you for who you are

See, even HE doesn't like his own company! You're not the problem here OP. Sorry you're feeling sad but don't let anyone else define you.

We were the same personality type and same star sign , we got on really well.
So getting dumped came as a bit of a shock and I wanted to know why .
He also said he craved the security of a relationship and thought he was in love when he wasn't and he didn't see us living the life he wanted .

I think his list of requirements is quite specific and may be unattainable, he is mid 40s , but we both had a slightly hippy outlook on things , and I was more than willing to try new things with him and also quite happy for him to go and do his hobbies, he has lots of women friends which is fine, but also a lot of mates that are therapists and the like , and much like me , he's a navel gazer .
I just wish he would have talked to me . But he decided I'm not for him based on my energy and drive . Yup , I'm often knackered.