I'm too boring

[stillvicarinatutu]

So . Had a relationship which was pretty intense and I fell for him .

He broke it off last week . When pushed - the reason was he wanted someone with huge amounts of energy and drive , with a large social circle and a wide variety of interests so he could join in with me as much I joined in with him .
He was quirky , had asd. Did some quirky hobbies like circus skills and samba band . Has a hard time being alone so always on the go socialising.

It's made me feel absolutely shit. Like I'm some couch potato.
I have become quite solitary and isolated since my kids have grown into adults , I moved area so my social life suffered. He pursued me - after the first date I'd said let's be friends but he went all out and I ended up getting involved , we'd spent a lot of time together and I'd met his friends and kids .

It's given me a bit of a kick up the arse and I've now joined a yoga group, a crafting group, I've made friends with my neighbour and we're getting fit together. I've arranged to go horse riding with another friend who has horses and trains them for shows , (although if h he probably has an ulterior motive . )

It's made me feel like I have absolutely nothing to offer in a relationship. I'm boring . I think I'm having a bit of an existential crisis .
He said he thought if he stayed with me it would be work , eat , tv. Like his failed marriage .

I had no clue because he had t talked to me . He says he based his decision on what he saw , not what he wanted to see .

We are still vaguely in touch . I feel like I'm having to justify my entire existence. Yes I'm boring . I've been terribly depressed following a bad break up 3 years ago, a still born baby , a job I'd become dissatisfied with, a house move , and slowly I'd become more and more isolated. Lack of money doesn't help with hobbies . I struggle to make ends meet most months .

I've decided I'm not dating anymore. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to
Offer . I'm now really trying to get out there , socialise and take up some hobbies. But I feel like crawling into bed pulling the duvet over my head and staying there .

The activities that you've taken up will probably really benefit you mentally, as long as you're doing them completely for you.

Circus Boi sounds like a tool.

Best mate sounds promising though.

Once you mentioned star signs being the same you didn't need to mention hippie 😂 Anyway 2 the same is often a bad thing.

Maybe try someone more conventional who isn't a navel gazer?

😂. Best mates married .
I do tend to have more friends who are men than women , so to actively do new things it often means going alone - think this has been a bit of a barrier as my confidence had already taken a knock or two .

And I think he also thought I was a bad influence, he does t want a partner in crime , because I can sink a few wines so was he and because I'd been sneaking a few fags so was he .

OP, this is not a man with whom you could grow old.

Picture it - let’s say he can’t do all these edgy activities in 25 years because he’s developed a chronic illness that means his life ends up quite sedentary. He doesn’t sound like a companion with whom in old age you could enjoy a peaceful and contented day, and have a laugh about the good things in life. All you’d be hearing is about how he feels unfulfilled now he can’t do his crazy activities and he’s a shell of his former self …

You are not boring! But I think in the end, it’s lucky for you he’s got the wrong idea about you. Don’t let him come crawling back; he’ll only drag you down.

The world of horses is usually wonderful. Genuine people mainly sensible and not precious. The Ulterior Motive sounds like a bonus.

Bland
That's the thing he actually said he could imagine in years to come when our bodies were giving up being snuggled under a blanket and still being madly in love .

Then one day he just decided he wasn't actually. And dumped me . Just like that .

He does shows on horseback, he has to dress up as knights and cowboys 😂. He is really nice but I see him as a friend where I think perhaps he would want more . But we're going to go for a ride and I figured being around horses would do me good .

Yeah, he might say that, but all the signs indicate that he’s going to be a grumpy old man when he can no longer do these activities. I doubt he’ll ever find contentment and peace. You, on the other hand, sound like a really fun person to be around. You’d be wasted on him.

(I do empathise by the way. I’ve just had my own knock-back for similar reasons. I am also your age and deep in the throes of what I can only assume is a mid-life crisis)

Someone else said up thread he sounds like he needs to be entertained and enjoys big lively groups of people.

Yup . That's him . Also he doesn't try to be wacky or interesting- he just is a very quirky person, he isn't afraid to climb into a silly costume and bang a drum , but that was the thing I really liked about him - he doesn't care what it looks like .
He is obviously proud of these things because I met him online and they were all mentioned in his profile, and I thought ooo he sounds different....
He was very different. I seem to be attracted to people who are a bit off the wall . Sadly I live in a quaint little village while he's in a major city with access to all these "interesting " pursuits .

Why are you still in touch with him if he hurt you with his out of the blue dumping and hurtful words? Cut contact and move on. One persons boring is another persons interesting.

Ex husband was same. After 25 years he told me he was unhappy that I was boring and more hurtful comments about my appearance. All the woman after me thathe dated were loud, talking a lot and living at least 4 hours away from him.

Yeah circus skills . My mate said the same . He said anyone who does that deserves a kick in the nuts

I like the sound of your mate - I thought pretty much the same OP. You sound lovely btw.

I'm perimenopausal and used to get up at 7am to go for a run with my husband before work (I say run, more of a Peter Kay dad run, but I could manage 7k at a push). I'm now needing to lie in until after 8 and still feeling knackered. DH is 7 years younger than me, but totally gets that physically I'm in a very different place now. He's never made me feel shit about wanting to do nice walks rather than runs and we've adjusted our lives accordingly (he meets a mate at the gym in the morning now while I snooze).

I'm sorry he made you feel shit, but my main hobby is meeting friends in the pub to set the world to rights over a few drinks. It makes me feel good! Really impressed you're giving horse-riding and crafting group a go please give yourself some credit for this.

What a lovely parting message he gave you.

Effectively blowing your candle out so his burns brighter.

No matter how wonderful he thinks he is, he's a turd, with very little insight of what hurts people, I honestly think you've dodged a bullet.

Your introspection is completely normal, he is not.

You definitely deserve better.

I am exactly the same, if that helps!

I was at a wedding and someone came up to me and said "so your partner is in to surfing, swimming, Karate. What are you in to then?".

I could've just died on the spot. I was gutted. I don't have any hobbies and I really enjoy being in the house and getting cosy with some snacks and TV and don't have much drive. I don't enjoy socialising either whereas he is basically the opposite of me. It does make me feel a bit shit sometimes.

Like you, I have considered getting a hobby and being a bit more exciting but really why would I be doing that? To impress someone else?

I'm sure you are not boring and you obviously have a lot to offer or he wouldn't have got with you in the first place. Don't let it get you down, he obviously just wasn't the one for you.

Circus skills... god bore off mate... he sounds a bit 'I'm mad me' type...
next OP... you can do better

Rushing round from activity to activity and surrounding yourself with crowds does not make you interesting. An interesting person is interesting because of what's going on inside. Their opinions, humour, values, insights. He doesn't want an 'interesting' partner, he wants a companion so he can constantly access external stimuli, as he lacks the inner resources to entertain himself. He also lacks the insight to know the difference.

He said he wants someone to "inspire him and push him on "

Whatever that means .

Well obviously he think I'm not inspiring and have no drive to push others on . Or me for that matter.

Thank you all tho for pointing some stuff out to me because this has really got to me .

Best mate who you all like said not to let him get into my head and for someone whose intelligent how can he be so fucking dumb 😂. He said I'm perfect as I am .

I'm not . But I'm working on it now .

Blaming you sounds like a form of gas-lighting. It wasn’t your fault.
He flits from one of his groups to the next for his entertainment and audience.
I do wonder what his wife and children thought of him fluttering, about sucking the life out of everyone and taking no responsibility for his actions.
Then to top it all he doesn’t like his own company.
You are doing well by keeping fit, having a wide interest in other things, wow martial arts , burlesque, riding etc, you should be proud of yourself.

He sounds like a prick to me

Thing is regate I'd stopped doing all those things and got myself into a bit of a rut. He's been around a lot and was inviting me to do things with him, I think he just thought I had no life . Which is probably true - it's given me a bit of a kick to get into some things again .

You're not boring. He sounds like a nightmare. Cut him off and get yourself out there, you'll find someone who will appreciate you for your lovely personality, not a load of activities to fill your free time with.

Circus skills... Samba band.. Digereedoo? Digeree-don't!