Partner is pushing me to have baby #3

[littlerayofsunshine0]

My partner is really pushing at me to have a third baby...
Our background is that it took us a very long time to conceive thanks to pcos. After 8 long years and losing two babies we were finally blessed with our 4 yr old. Then when he was 16 weeks to my surprise I found out I was expecting again. It was a massive shock to me (even though it was explained to me you can fall pregnant very easily after giving birth) I honestly didn't think that would apply to me seeing as rarely ovulate etc but it happened and I immediately panicked about having 2 under 2 when I was only learning the ropes, as they say!
My second pregnancy was rough. I found it really hard doing 2 pregnancies back to back and I ended up with postnatal depression when our now 3 yr old was born. I was in a very dark place for 2 yrs after our second was born. It's only in the last 12 months I feel myself slightly coming back round. I also found it really hard with 2 under 2 and even now at 3 & 4 I'm full time in demand with both of them. I just find myself exhausted every day with 2 young child plus I'm a sahm (hubby thinks I should be at home to raise the kids).
Come September both will be in school which made me think about maybe getting a part time job to earn my own money, meet people & more importantly get me out of these 4 walls but my partner isn't as keen on it as I am. In fact for the last year or slightly more he's been pushing at me to have another baby. I'm not sure I want a third. When me and hubby discussed kids in the past we always said we would like 3 but now that we actually have kids I see it's a totally different ball game from what I imagined it would be. I'm scared to have another baby. I'm scared of losing myself again. I'm scared that it will take time away from my other 2 kids. I'm scared that we won't manage financially with a third plus me and hubby just aren't seeing eye to eye on many things anymore and the things he says/does makes me not want to have anymore kids with him. I've tried explaining my side and how I feel and I'm met with the response that "it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things" like having another child or having a termination etc. He says some hurtful things when I explain how I feel about having another. He also tells me at 36 we aren't getting any younger and we need to have another ASAP. He just doesn't get it that I don't know if I'm ready for another baby. I definitely struggled with the two I have, I still do so the thought of struggling even more with another scares me.

Am I being unreasonable here?? Because he certainly makes me feel like I am and that I'm a total bitch for not wanting to give him another baby. But I think I'm the only one thinking about everything in the right way. I'm afraid he'll leave me if I don't have another baby with him as well. Am I wrong for thinking like this? How did anyone else think when the thought about another addiction to the family??

YANBU.
It sounds as if he just wants you to stay at home all the time, which makes him sound horrible.
And even if that isn't the case, and he just wants another child, it has to be a joint decision. And you're the one who has the stress of pregnancy and birth. He's basically being an arse about it.

Definitely don’t add more addictions. Addictions are bad.

Seriously, why not agree to park the issue for 6months or 1year? You want a part time job, so get one and see how you feel about life and possibly ttc a 3rd kid in 6/12 months time. Your two will be more independent by then and a third might seem less daunting. Or you might be more sure about wanting to go back to work more hours or that your husband’s parenting is making you uncomfortable and so you really don’t want another ever. You might also decide you do want a third but that you want to keep working part time when baby is 6months onwards, using whatever childcare works best for you. Financially it might not make any difference but it might help you mentally.

Ultimately your husband may leave you if you’re sone having kids and he’s not. But that doesn’t mean you have to agree to everything he wants.

"it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things"

Given that it’s women who go through pregnancy, who generally take time out of the workplace, who generally carry the bulk of the physical impact of child rearing in the early days who does he think should ultimately have the final say on whether she becomes pregnant? You’re a person not a walking incubator.

If you don't want another baby and have doubts about it then dont have one. Its that simple. No is a complete sentence and you don't have to justify it.

You clearly dont want one. Having one to appease your partner isnt a good enough reason to have another baby.

It sounds like he just wants you kept at home and everything on his terms only.

Tell him you'll have another if you swap places and he becomes a stay at home dad. Its not only the fact that the pregnancy and birth lie solely on your shoulders but all the care of a 3rd child too.

You are so far away from being unreasonable, you're not even on the same continent.

He's the one being unreasonable - totally and utterly. Even if you had conceived straightaway , had sailed through your pregnancies, had perfect deliveries, ideal time between babies, never had a whiff of PND - you would still NOT be unreasonable to not want another child. Sorry for the double negative

I personally hate the phrase 'giving him a baby' - makes my flesh crawl.

Yes - it's such a shame women are the ones who decide if they get pregnant, if the keep the child, etc etc. Hey lets be honest for many centuries women did not have that freedom and now we have - I'd thank God if I believed in one.

I would say in all honesty that if a partner demands another child, that this is an abusive situation. Partners do disagree about whether or not to have children and on the number to have. It's one of those situations that does cause heart ache however no one, absolutely no one has the right to demand to you have another child. And yes the one doing the conceiving, the carrying through pregnancy, giving birth get to decide. Simple as that.

I'd be really upset if someone who should love and care for me was insisting that I go through something that would cause me discomfort, pain and mental health problems.

I have a faint smell of control going on here - happy if others disagree. Here you are - 2 lovely children, one off to school, you feeling happy and better than you have for a long time, wanting to get back to work and he wants another child, despite all your problems.

Double down on your contraception.

Maybe have some counselling.

If you don't want another child, you don't have to have one

This is a terrible idea. The op has no guarantee that that will actually happen and from the sounds of it, he would refuse to go through with it.

it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things

Yes, it’s not fair but it’s absolutely right that it’s that way. YANBU. He is treating you horribly. I would be questioning whether I’d be staying with a man like that, let alone having another baby with him.

God no, don't do that. He sounds like the sort of man who would sit around doing nothing all day so that OP ends up doing everything, then leave because "he's been unhappy for years" but insist he was the primary carer so gets primary residency and OP has to pay maintenance.

Don't have another child. Try to get back to work as soon as possible (investigate all feasible childcare options, too). Work out what you'd have to do if he left.

actually (as seen by many threads on here) it isnt women that get the sole decision at all - it is a decision that needs to be agreed upon by both parties but it is one that the one who doesnt want another that takes priority.

Your reasons for not having another are good valid and sensible. ANd it is you for whom this would effect the most

His for wanting a third seem I agree to be almost controlling that he likes knowing where you are and keeping you at home

actually (as seen by many threads on here) it isnt women that get the sole decision at all - it is a decision that needs to be agreed upon by both parties

An abortion needs to be agreed by both parties? A woman can only keep a baby with the permission of its father? Since when?

When men have a uterus they will get a choice- until then it is a woman's choice only.

Your post is all about what he wants and it sounds like he wants you at home and dependent on him.

Suggest you have a baby on the condition you go back to work and he stays at home see what he says.

It's your body and ultimately your choice.
Like others I feel that there's quite a strong element of control on his part here. Also, you mentioned that you aren't seeing eye to eye on a few things at the moment. if the worst comes to the worst and the relationship fails, you will be more able to cope with two DCs than you will with three.

Definitely sounds like he wants you home and "in your place". Definite whiffs of controlling heading towards "could be abusive" about your description of him. Even just emotionally blackmailing you about the decision is well dodgy.

Bottom line is you decide. It's your body, your mental health, your future. If he can't respect that, he's an arse.

He sounds like he’s trying to bully you into having a baby. He’s a shit isn’t he. After we had our first DH suggested a second. I burst into tears and shouted a bit and it’s never been brought up again. He watched me struggle and no decent man would try to push a woman he loved into doing something immense like having a child she doesn’t want. Its coercive.

Your partner sounds very controlling.

It sounds like he wants to keep you at home once the older two go to school.

Is he like this in general? Does he keep tabs on your whereabouts and control who you see and when?

He wants you to go through pregnancy when you were so ill afterwards last time? Any normal man would try to talk you out of having one if you wanted one. He wants you to risk being ill again. Just think about that.

He views you as an incubator and wants you at home. I find this very disturbing actually.

We arent talking about Abortion but the decision to conceive.

Which a man does have the right to decide not to - (condoms/vascetomy/abstaining) and in a couple the decision to have a third child needs to be agreed by both otherwise the default should be not to have one

I think this falls into what’s known as reproductive abuse. And unfortunately where there’s one type of abuse there are often others.

Are other things going on op?

I agree that he doesn't get to make to have another baby.

Is his issue that your current dc are the 'wrong' sex - eg he wants a boy or a girl if you don't have either of those?

so now that you have found yourself again and thinking about returning to work your DH is pushing for a baby and complaining that your getting old now. He should be pleased your back and motivated to do something else other than childcare. he wants you tied to the kitchen sink and reliant on him. Its your body and if you dont want a third child dont have one

He said what! Fuck me. Sorry but any 'partner' that told me it's wasn't fair I had full autonomy over choices for my own body, would be out on his arse before he could whistle. What a bastard.

Definitely no more kids with him. It sounds like he perhaps likes that you are having to stay home to run after them and not have a job you can fall back on when you realise he's an arsehole?

Sorry op but all my respect would be gone for him. He seems to rhonkt you're you're over for his mini-me and sod all else.