Partner is pushing me to have baby #3

[littlerayofsunshine0]

My partner is really pushing at me to have a third baby...
Our background is that it took us a very long time to conceive thanks to pcos. After 8 long years and losing two babies we were finally blessed with our 4 yr old. Then when he was 16 weeks to my surprise I found out I was expecting again. It was a massive shock to me (even though it was explained to me you can fall pregnant very easily after giving birth) I honestly didn't think that would apply to me seeing as rarely ovulate etc but it happened and I immediately panicked about having 2 under 2 when I was only learning the ropes, as they say!
My second pregnancy was rough. I found it really hard doing 2 pregnancies back to back and I ended up with postnatal depression when our now 3 yr old was born. I was in a very dark place for 2 yrs after our second was born. It's only in the last 12 months I feel myself slightly coming back round. I also found it really hard with 2 under 2 and even now at 3 & 4 I'm full time in demand with both of them. I just find myself exhausted every day with 2 young child plus I'm a sahm (hubby thinks I should be at home to raise the kids).
Come September both will be in school which made me think about maybe getting a part time job to earn my own money, meet people & more importantly get me out of these 4 walls but my partner isn't as keen on it as I am. In fact for the last year or slightly more he's been pushing at me to have another baby. I'm not sure I want a third. When me and hubby discussed kids in the past we always said we would like 3 but now that we actually have kids I see it's a totally different ball game from what I imagined it would be. I'm scared to have another baby. I'm scared of losing myself again. I'm scared that it will take time away from my other 2 kids. I'm scared that we won't manage financially with a third plus me and hubby just aren't seeing eye to eye on many things anymore and the things he says/does makes me not want to have anymore kids with him. I've tried explaining my side and how I feel and I'm met with the response that "it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things" like having another child or having a termination etc. He says some hurtful things when I explain how I feel about having another. He also tells me at 36 we aren't getting any younger and we need to have another ASAP. He just doesn't get it that I don't know if I'm ready for another baby. I definitely struggled with the two I have, I still do so the thought of struggling even more with another scares me.

Am I being unreasonable here?? Because he certainly makes me feel like I am and that I'm a total bitch for not wanting to give him another baby. But I think I'm the only one thinking about everything in the right way. I'm afraid he'll leave me if I don't have another baby with him as well. Am I wrong for thinking like this? How did anyone else think when the thought about another addiction to the family??

*seems to think you're only there for

Sounds to me you ought to point out to your "D"H that you are already dealing with 3 babies - him being one of them.

Maybe he ought to practice being an adult partner and consider the impact of pregnancy, childbirth and primary parenting on you before treating you like a walking baby factory.

If my DH had spoken to me like this I'd be a single parent with a very nice patio.

FYI- he's not normal.

That statement about men having a say over women's choices on babies - was something a straight up psychopath would say. Not a man who loves you.

If you look back I'm sure you'll see other examples of control and manipulation too.

Just, run. And if you don't, make double sure your birth control is full proof and that you always use condoms (ideally ones you buy and keep hidden when not in use) too.

It’s not fair
pregnancy is hard
raising babies is hard
and its YOUR body
and your life also and career
its 2022 for gods sake
2 is a blessing

not at all unreasonable

Explain to your partner that it's NOT the woman who has the final decision.

It's the person who doesn't want to get pregnant, whether that's the man or woman, because it's not right to have a baby unless both parents are fully on board. If he doesn't believe you, show him all the threads on here with a woman who wants another baby but whose husband doesn't. I guarantee all the comments will say she can't force him.

Your DH is an abusive jerk. This is positively Handmaid's Tale. DO NOT have another baby. You would not be able to handle it. So many red flags. He wants you barefoot and pregnant and dependent on him. Get a job and a life of your own.

What a horrible controlling man. Yuck.

I bet he’s the sort to sabotage contraception as well.

stop having sex with him and plan your exit

I can't believe after those two years of PND you went through he'd just say 'Its not fair women get to make the decision'. That's just beyond hurtful and horrible.

He sounds horrible. He sounds like he wants you home, barefoot and pregnant.

How much does he do with the dev? Does he do his fair share of parenting?? I bet I can guess...

He has a lot of opinions about what you should do, but he's not good at listening to you, is he?

Be so careful. Absolutely don't have a third unless you feel 100% happy about it (speaking as someone with 3). I hope you're in control of your contraception.

He’s trying to keep you trapped at home. If you’re unsure, don’t do it, it’s your body/life/career.

I had PND after DS ( already had a DD). It's `17 years later and I still remember how helpless and suicidal I felt. I only got through it because we threw money at the problem and hired help. It took me about 2.5 years.

If I had had a 3rd, I would have killed myself. Not saying this lightly. And I was luckier than most.

OP, this is alarming. He tells you you're to stay at home raising babies, he doesn't want you to get a job when the children go to school and he's pushing you to have another.

Listen to that voice that's already saying you don't see eye to eye on many things any more. I'm not surprised. He's being controlling. Coercive control is abuse.

Women don’t make the sole decisions though- men have the option of using condoms/vasectomy if they don’t want kids just as women have the option of contraception.

to be honest he sounds like he wants another baby to keep you isolated and prevent you from working- from your post it sounds like the decision for you to be a SAHM was mainly his? Why was your needs not considered?

What access do you have to family finances? I worry that this is a way to stop you being less dependent on him. Do you get to see friends and family easily?

You need to read what the op wrote.
it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things" like having another child or having a termination etc.

That’s why people are talking about terminations.

If you don’t want another baby you don’t have one, it’s completely your decision. And given how difficult you found it last time it’s completely reasonable you wouldn’t want to risk a repeat.

You need to be very clear and honest with him that a 3rd is not an option. His reaction will tell you if he’s a controlling arsehole or not.

Jeez just saw your other threads- DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER BABY WITH THIS MAN!!!

"it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things"

Well it's not fair that women are the sole carriers and risk takers of a pregnancy whereas the guy gets what 5 mins of pleasure that's the extent of his contribution. The woman takes all the risk. The risk to her body, the risk to her health, the risk of dying in childbirth. So since the male gets off scot free and doesn't have to risk his health and go through childbirth, it is MORE than fair that it is solely the woman's decision.

Apart from him moaning about your right to body autonomy and agency, he sounds extremely selfish and dismissive of you. I would not want a third child with him either. What is he like around the house, does he help out, or does he expect you to do it all? He seems like a misogynist who as a very old-fashioned and sexist view of your place in the relationship, and your place is to be barefoot and pregnant. He doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

You're not a bloody baby-making machine.

And I don't like the sound of him at all.

He wants you pregnant and at home.

Do you have equal access to money?

There is more to life OP.

Stand firm on this please.

Your other threads are horrific, you cannot seriously keep choosing to live like this. Get rid of your vile boyfriend/husband, please please don’t let him breed more.

Not relevant to this thread but how can you find other threads now the search function is so useless?

The search bar at the top, then filter by usernames down the left hand side

In your shoes, i would be considering ending the relationship over this. He is way out of order.

Each pregnancy and childbirth endangers the life of the mother and that's before you get to the impact being a mother has on your career, self and physical and mental health.

I agree I think it sounds like he wants you to be the little wife at home completely dependent on him and I'd be very wary about his attitude and comments. You totally and utterly reasonable.

Please stand your ground. Do what's right for you and don't be bullied.

I just saw your other threads. I am very, very worried for you. He is a controlling, psychopathic abuser. Pure and simple. You need to make a plan to leave. Do you have family who will help?