Partner is pushing me to have baby #3

[littlerayofsunshine0]

My partner is really pushing at me to have a third baby...
Our background is that it took us a very long time to conceive thanks to pcos. After 8 long years and losing two babies we were finally blessed with our 4 yr old. Then when he was 16 weeks to my surprise I found out I was expecting again. It was a massive shock to me (even though it was explained to me you can fall pregnant very easily after giving birth) I honestly didn't think that would apply to me seeing as rarely ovulate etc but it happened and I immediately panicked about having 2 under 2 when I was only learning the ropes, as they say!
My second pregnancy was rough. I found it really hard doing 2 pregnancies back to back and I ended up with postnatal depression when our now 3 yr old was born. I was in a very dark place for 2 yrs after our second was born. It's only in the last 12 months I feel myself slightly coming back round. I also found it really hard with 2 under 2 and even now at 3 & 4 I'm full time in demand with both of them. I just find myself exhausted every day with 2 young child plus I'm a sahm (hubby thinks I should be at home to raise the kids).
Come September both will be in school which made me think about maybe getting a part time job to earn my own money, meet people & more importantly get me out of these 4 walls but my partner isn't as keen on it as I am. In fact for the last year or slightly more he's been pushing at me to have another baby. I'm not sure I want a third. When me and hubby discussed kids in the past we always said we would like 3 but now that we actually have kids I see it's a totally different ball game from what I imagined it would be. I'm scared to have another baby. I'm scared of losing myself again. I'm scared that it will take time away from my other 2 kids. I'm scared that we won't manage financially with a third plus me and hubby just aren't seeing eye to eye on many things anymore and the things he says/does makes me not want to have anymore kids with him. I've tried explaining my side and how I feel and I'm met with the response that "it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things" like having another child or having a termination etc. He says some hurtful things when I explain how I feel about having another. He also tells me at 36 we aren't getting any younger and we need to have another ASAP. He just doesn't get it that I don't know if I'm ready for another baby. I definitely struggled with the two I have, I still do so the thought of struggling even more with another scares me.

Am I being unreasonable here?? Because he certainly makes me feel like I am and that I'm a total bitch for not wanting to give him another baby. But I think I'm the only one thinking about everything in the right way. I'm afraid he'll leave me if I don't have another baby with him as well. Am I wrong for thinking like this? How did anyone else think when the thought about another addiction to the family??

He wants a third?

Then he can be the SAHP and you work full time instead;I'm betting that deal wouldn't go down well with him and he'd change his mind.

Two under 5 is enough for anyone;I did 4 under 6 and it was physically and mentally exhausting.

You shouldn't have to justify wanting a part time job and having a independent life outside of being someone's mum.

How about you tell him what you've told us;you agreed to 3 children but that was before you found yourself having two babies in a year,struggled through a second pregnancy and developed PND.

The choice of when to have another,the opportunity to have a good second pregnancy and avoiding having PND was taken from you.

Ask him why it's so very important to have another,ask him what having another will contribute to your lives time wise,space wise in your home and financially.

I've just read your other thread.

You're in a coercive controlled relationship, and he is monitoring your movements.

For gods sake DO NOT have another baby with him.

Do you have equal access to money OP?

Ooft...I said he was a psychopath and then. I saw those other threads. Fucks sake op, run, runnnnnnnn!

Speak with women's aid and plan an escape.

Please don’t have any more children with someone who is trying to coerce you into it and will not muster the care to try and understand your feelings about it. Your feelings should be respected, you will be the one who is doing the work and coping with the kids and with yourself before and especially after the baby is born. Your body and mind, not his. I know what you mean about the 2 years, it’s been 3 1/2 and I’m only just feeling like myself again. I’ve also just been in the position of suspecting that I’m pregnant and realising that I absolutely cannot do it to myself or my kids, let alone my partner, no way, would not be good for anyone. Don’t let him push you into this. You are still young enough to try if you want to further down the line ( hopefully not with that guy tho!) stay strong x

It isn’t a whiff of control but an inescapable stench.

It is fair that the final decision is the woman’s so don’t let him tell you different.

What happens to your body is your decision. He doesn’t get to dictate what happens to your body. If you offered to relieve him of his jewels, he’d be right to deny you. His body - his choice to keep them.

I’d not want to stay with this peach OP. He has no care for you.

Double up on contraception!
Concentrate on your future. I had a controlling ex. He spent 2 years trying to pursuede me to have another baby. Wore me down(I was diagnosed as depressed). In a weak moment I stopped contraception and conceived straight away. The abuse ramped up as he controlled more and more.
If I could turn a clock back I would have doubled up on contraception and saved myself years of abuse.

omg I'm utterly ashamed and embarrassed that everyone can see my other posts. I had no idea you could do that so I'm hanging my head here very sheepishly.

No I'm fully aware I'm in a coercive abusive relationship. I've known since having my first child in fact scrap that! I had an idea things weren't right shortly before falling pregnant but I didn't realise it was abuse. I blamed myself & my own actions. I lost everyone I used to talk to when I was having issues thanks to him so no one ever really told me what he is doing is abuse. It wasn't until after the birth of our 1st child it hit home with me. I cant tell you the absolute tears I cried when I found myself with a positive pregnancy test 16 weeks after giving birth because I knew I was going to be stuck in a rut for sometime until I felt emotionally able to leave and rear children without him. When I was half way through my second pregnancy I started to get cut off from all I had left, my family and immediately I felt myself build a wall. I used to pander to him whilst I was getting the silent treatment or plead with him to forgive me for something I hadn't even done. But since building a wall and having 2 children relying on me I no longer do that.

He says I've changed towards him since then and I'm a bitch basically because I don't feel like putting out to him when it suits him, he doesn't trust me full stop and thinks I'm trying to have it off with every Tom, dick & Harry. All because I don't plead with him for his forgiveness and because I'm not at his beckon call. I suppose I've developed somewhat a bit of a backbone and he senses it which has made living here much worse. He's gotten aggressive a few times now because I just don't care as he likes to put it. If I could find a home to move into tomorrow I'd go put it like that. I'd just prefer not to tell him that because I'm afraid of him now! I've seen a look in his eyes when he's angry with me now that I really don't want to face. Hence why I don't want more kids with him.

I didnt want to mention abuse in my post because he does have a way with making me feel like I'm the abusive one and that I'm the one to blame. I cant explain it. But im always doubting myself if it is me and that there is something wrong with me.

The responses on here immediately asking if there was any other signs of control had me in tears because I hadn't said that on the post yet everyone noticed straightaway and then the person who kindly stated about my other posts. I'm incredibly ashamed now.

I know NOT to have anymore kids with him, I was just innocently wanting to know how "healthy" relationships cope if one wants a baby and the other doesn't and allow myself to compare thar to what I deal with more to tell myself I am being abused. Sorry if no one understands why I've stayed all this time, trust me I ask myself that every day. I'm hoping to get out of this very very soon

ty @2catsandhappy I completely understand what you mean.
Only 2 yrs ago because of pnd and also the coercive abuse I almost drove myself into the lake at 5am one morning. I really do not want to ever experience that moment again. I've no idea how I talked myself round. There was one night like you I was weak and gave in, but the following morning I called gp and got emergency contraception and since went back to having the coil which he obviously wasn't very happy about

Don’t be ashamed OP.

The shame is not yours to carry

It is though... isn't it. I've stayed with this person all this time and now have 2 kids with him.. I should have known better. God if someone give me the opportunity to go back to before I got with him I would bite their hand off. I love my kids dearly but I wish it hadve been with someone who was actually good to me. Not even my sake but for the sake of our kids. I'm just hanging my head in absolute shame 😔

Don’t be ashamed OP.

We can all do the right thing when it’s in someone else’s name and from behind a keyboard. The reality is that if it was so easy to leave an abusive relationship then nobody would ever be in one.

FWIW I haven’t read your other threads, but even without any kind of abuse and control the one who doesn’t want the baby has the final say. The end.

So, double up on your contraception, and then make plans to leave when the time is right.

It's definitely not your shame. We're not blaming you at all. far from it

Not everyone who responds to posts reads other threads from the OP - I don't. But even with you trying to be circumspect about your background, lots of us spotted the true situation.

I certainly wish you well - all power to you in your plans to make the break. The good thing about MN is that there are loads of us hear, ready to listen if you want to vent and to make suggestions, give advice if that's what you want. One thing we're not is about controlling you in any way, shape or form.

@dpotter I appreciate that very much

Please don't feel shame @littlerayofsunshine0 You aren't the one who should feel ashamed. Your vile abusive bully of a husband should feel ashamed but of course he never will because he's a vile abusive bully.

We are on your side. You are a good person, a loving mum, who has been unfortunate enough to get landed with a useless, selfish, mysognestic bully of a man.

Forgetting all the other stuff for a minute and to answer your initial question - I'm firmly of the view that, when a couple don't agree on whether or not to have children / more children, the person who doesn't want to gets the deciding vote. Because it's much worse to have a child who isn't 100% wanted (and that can be for good reasons, like yours) than to not have a child you want. The former affects a child, the latter affects only the adult. You have excellent reasons for not wanting another child (even without considering your husband is abusive) and you are making the right decision.

But this is a much bigger issue than whether to have more children isn't it. You are living with an abusive selfish entitled bully. So are your children. The very best thing you can do for you and for your children is to leave him. It isn't too late. It's never too late. Your children are very young and won't know any different, thankfully. You can build a lovely life for you and them, in a calm, loving, happy home. Doesn't that sound lovely?

Please seek some advice about what you can do - maybe talk to women's aid and get some legal advice? Keep talking on here. Don't tell him what you're thinking as he may be a danger to you (or he'll try to sweet talk you back in to your place). Stay strong. You deserve better and so do your lovely children.

You're most welcome

Everything you have said screams don’t have a 3rd. Make sure your contraception is bombproof.
36 isn’t old. Maybe agree you’ll get children settled in school and get a job and review in 6/12 months.

So sorry to have searched your previous thread and made you feel ashamed. Nothing at all to be ashamed about. It is hard to leave with small children. Talk to Women's Aid, please.

No need at all to apologise I just genuinely didn't know it was a thing that you could see other posts and it then just made it more apparent to others I really am in a terrible place but if you didn't do it some one else would have. I just didn't know that could happen. It doesn't really matter anyway does it, it was quite apparent in the comments before anyone read my other threads x

How are you feeling today? You can change your name if you are feeling embarrassed. Really even this one post is enough to say your DH is abusive. Why not start a new post to seek legal and practical advice when you are ready? In the meantime, double down on contraception!

You know if he 'leaves' due to you saying no to a third child then that's best case scenario because he'll think its all his idea and you are sat home feeling miserable - when infact you are seeing a solicitor and getting your ducks in order.

Of course, leaving would just be him punishing you for saying no and once he thought you were sufficiently hurt by it, he'd try to come back. But hopefully by then, you could slam the door in his face.

You're at a brilliant point to leave him now. The kids have nursery.

And you'll get child support too. Just make sure to get proof of his income before leaving him.

A third baby would be a huge mistake.
You need to regain your independence.

We are here, OP. Do you have any access to finances or can you borrow money from family? You do not need to stay with him.
He is the one who should feel ashamed.

I’m so sorry @littlerayofsunshine0 , you are most definitely not being unreasonable, and from what you’ve described he sounds like he’s being way out of line here.
"it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things" this line in particular is a big red flag, because it suggests he sees you as being on an “opposing team” rather than the pair of you being in it together. It sounds like you’ve done a great job at weathering a really difficult time and it’s seem a good time to start shaping your life to suit you a bit more again. Is he otherwise a kind and good man?

@littlerayofsunshine0 your post has broken my heart a little. Please don't listen to him telling you that you're abusive - this is a classic technique.

I will say though that you absolutely can and should reach out to family and friends who he has driven you away from. I assure you, that many of them are fully aware of what is going on and are ready to support you when you're ready. You say no one told you it was abuse... are you really sure? Because I've been telling SIL it's abuse for a very long time and even now she only sometimes realises it.

Who was the family member you were closest to? And why and how did the relationship disappear? Was it because he made you uncomfortable? Was rude to them? Made it difficult for you to spend time with them? Accused you of treating him badly if you saw them? Said you prioritised them over him? I'm sure it was something like that. Contact that person, please. Tell them what you've told us. Tell them you're sorry you let him distance you but you don't know what to do and ask for help.

Also, it's not that women get the final vote. It's that the person who doesn't want children is the one who ultimately gets to make a decision - by using contraception to ensure no pregnancy occurs.

Yes, in the case of an unwanted pregnancy, it is true that a woman ultimately gets to make the final decision, but in most cases, a woman who makes this decision did not want children and there's been some kind of contraception fail.