Partner is pushing me to have baby #3

[littlerayofsunshine0]

My partner is really pushing at me to have a third baby...
Our background is that it took us a very long time to conceive thanks to pcos. After 8 long years and losing two babies we were finally blessed with our 4 yr old. Then when he was 16 weeks to my surprise I found out I was expecting again. It was a massive shock to me (even though it was explained to me you can fall pregnant very easily after giving birth) I honestly didn't think that would apply to me seeing as rarely ovulate etc but it happened and I immediately panicked about having 2 under 2 when I was only learning the ropes, as they say!
My second pregnancy was rough. I found it really hard doing 2 pregnancies back to back and I ended up with postnatal depression when our now 3 yr old was born. I was in a very dark place for 2 yrs after our second was born. It's only in the last 12 months I feel myself slightly coming back round. I also found it really hard with 2 under 2 and even now at 3 & 4 I'm full time in demand with both of them. I just find myself exhausted every day with 2 young child plus I'm a sahm (hubby thinks I should be at home to raise the kids).
Come September both will be in school which made me think about maybe getting a part time job to earn my own money, meet people & more importantly get me out of these 4 walls but my partner isn't as keen on it as I am. In fact for the last year or slightly more he's been pushing at me to have another baby. I'm not sure I want a third. When me and hubby discussed kids in the past we always said we would like 3 but now that we actually have kids I see it's a totally different ball game from what I imagined it would be. I'm scared to have another baby. I'm scared of losing myself again. I'm scared that it will take time away from my other 2 kids. I'm scared that we won't manage financially with a third plus me and hubby just aren't seeing eye to eye on many things anymore and the things he says/does makes me not want to have anymore kids with him. I've tried explaining my side and how I feel and I'm met with the response that "it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things" like having another child or having a termination etc. He says some hurtful things when I explain how I feel about having another. He also tells me at 36 we aren't getting any younger and we need to have another ASAP. He just doesn't get it that I don't know if I'm ready for another baby. I definitely struggled with the two I have, I still do so the thought of struggling even more with another scares me.

Am I being unreasonable here?? Because he certainly makes me feel like I am and that I'm a total bitch for not wanting to give him another baby. But I think I'm the only one thinking about everything in the right way. I'm afraid he'll leave me if I don't have another baby with him as well. Am I wrong for thinking like this? How did anyone else think when the thought about another addiction to the family??

This is not normal Op. Im in a healthy relationship. Dh has been asking for a 3rd since our 2nd was 3 (so 5 years now).

He asks if I'd like it. We have a conversation, think about it seriously, then I say I really couldn't cope.

He brings up the question again about once a year (cos I was slightly tempted and the older ones get a bit easier) and asks if maybe we move somewhere cheaper so i don't have to work, would I be temped by a 3rd.

Last year I told him that I really can't cope with a 3rd. He has accepted it and doesn't ask anymore. He says he'd rather be with me and 2 DC than without me but with more DC.

Good luck

It sounds like he just doesn't care about you at all! To see you struggling to conceive for all those years (which must have been emotionally draining) and then suffer with postnatal depression for 2 years - and he still wants to push you in to a third pregnancy?! He needs to give you a break! Also if your relationship is strained with lots of disagreements then bringing another child in to the mix will make things worse. This has nothing to do with women getting to decide how many children a couple has - it's just that both people need to agree on having another. If a man didn't want a third child I'd expect his partner to respect his decision and not force him in to it. Why are 3 children essential? Why can't he appreciate what he has?

I've read your other threads now. He's horrible and abusive. Leave him. It's not healthy for your children to be growing up in this environment. Do not have another child with him.

Apologies, just seeing the other posts now. He is not otherwise a good man. You have done nothing wrong, abusive men are very good at what they do sadly. It could happen to anyone, and it has to many women before you. I’m sure it’s been recommended lots of times to you but I highly recommend the work of Lundy Bancroft. His book “Why does he do that?” Is worth a read/reread, if nothing else it will help you feel sane. Definitely reach out to family for support, and womens aid. 💐

Never mind his controlling attitude to your reproductive system, no child should be brought into the world without being enthusiastically wanted, and right now you don’t enthusiastically want another.
the reality of children is different for many of us than we imagined, and people are allowed to change their minds once they have more information.

I’m so glad that you see this is not a good relationship, but I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Are you able to look for a job as the next step towards independence? You’ve already taken the first steps in shutting off from him, staying on contraception and posting here.
If you really want the question answered- so far for kids I’ve laid out what I want and dh has said fine and I’ve said are you sure? Is this what you want? What do you want? And I’ve said yes. If I decide I’d like to try for a 4th I will ask if he’s on board and if he’s not we won’t. It’s that simple. I hope your life is that simple too down the track!

You are not married and therefore in a very vulnerable position if the relationship breaks down. You really need to get back into a work environment.

He is an arse.

He’s not even bothered to marry you. You have no security here.He expects you to stay home dropping sprogs and sacrificing your body, career, mental health… tell him to do one

He does actually want to marry, he proposed a few yrs ago before the kids were born. I'm not overly fussed about marriage. I told myself I wouldn't marry him until I could give him kids as ultimately I felt like if I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy he would have left because kids were a massive priority to him. But now that I've got kids and my eyes have been opened to what I'm living in I really don't think marriage would be a wise option anymore. He has mentioned about planning a wedding I just avoid the conversation for the last few months because I know I can't marry this man. I cant possibly imagine walking down the aisle to him. I'll not even be able to have a hen night 😒 and ill have no friends at my wedding. It already sounds miserable to me therefore how can I imagine marrying him. I do love him, I wish he was different and more approachable to have serious conversations with, but he's not. I've accepted in my own heart now things will never be better.

What about you though op? What about SELF love? You should always love yourself too - and he has robbed you of that.

Also, it doesn't sound like you love him either. More that you love the idea of who you wish he was. But he isn't that person. Who he is, is your abuser. What you feel for him is a bond forged from trauma and from him being the one governing all of the highs and lows in your life. A feeling of, 'better the devil you know...'

Real love op, is not painful.

And what about you kids? If you love them then please dont continue to raise them in a house where their mother is abused. Where they grow up thinking its normal. Where they learn not to love ourselves value themselves and so ultimately, find themselves in abusive relationships of their own.

I don't know what your family were like, perhaps you have a background of abusive relationships stemming from childhood. But if you had family who were good, whom you trusted, then reach out. I'm sure they'll just be glad to hear from you!

And incase you need to hear it:

You matter. You are valuable. You are deserving of happiness, kindness and love. Your feelings are valid. And no one has the right to make you feel small or unimportant. How.dare.he.

I just wanted to pile in here and repeat what many other posters are saying - don't have another baby, that's a given. But please also consider Women's Aid, a refuge and leaving this relationship. Sending lots of hugs, please don't be ashamed - it's his shame to carry, not yours

Really does seem like he doesn't want you out of the house and having your own life. From your OP I'd say he wants you to remain trapped at home with another child.

The day he can carry a baby in his womb for 9 months and give birth to it he can have the final say.

Until then it's your body and your choice.

I know NOT to have anymore kids with him, I was just innocently wanting to know how "healthy" relationships cope if one wants a baby and the other doesn't and allow myself to compare thar to what I deal with more to tell myself I am being abused.

How healthy relationships cope is they discuss it and in the end the man accepts that it is the woman's choice if she doesn't want to have a baby. End of.

Dh has always wanted dc. We were told when I was 25 we would probably need IVF. I decided I didn't want it. He accepted that. He told me that although he would love to have children, he only wanted them with me and only if I wanted them too. I said I did but I didn't want to actively try for them, and wanted to carry on using contraceptives until I was at least 30. So I did.

I then went on to unexpectedly have 2 dc a decade later. Dh would have liked 3. I felt trying for a third was too risky. He accepted it and never, ever, ever made me feel bad about my decision.

That is what healthy looks like.

Doesn’t sound like he is motivated at all by actually wanting another child, he probably couldn’t care less. It’s 100% about wanting to keep you at home, he’s been happy with how it has been and now hates the thought of you having more time and independence so wants a third baby just in time as the others go to school.

(hubby thinks I should be at home to raise the kids).
Never mind what hubby thinks.
What do YOU think?
Are you actually allowed to make decisions about what to do with your own body & your own life?

"it's not fair that women can have the sole decision making on these things" like having another child or having a termination etc.
This is one of the most sinister things I've read on here.
Does he ever listen to himself?
What's he after - a dystopia for women where they are not autonomous beings, & the men get to decide how many kids a woman has - whether she likes it or not - & whether she goes to work?
He's like something out of The Handmaid's Tale.

I'm afraid he'll leave me if I don't have another baby with him as well.
Result.
You could set yourself up with your DC, get them into school, & get back to your career.

Your updates are heartbreaking.
I'm incredibly ashamed now.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, All the shame is on him. Nobody is judging you - PP are judging him, because he is a Grade A arsehole.

Where are your family & friends - have you moved away from them?
If so, what are the chances of you being able to move back at some stage? - & if the distance you described isn't geographical - can you reach out & reconnect? Because this man has you isolated, & you need to start building a Team You back up again.
Can you contact Womens Aid? If you started there - naming the problem in real life, you can start getting some real life support.

I trust your contraception is watertight?

I do love him

I don't think you do. He's patently unlovable. I think you are used to him, like a bad habit, & that you have a trauma bond - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Traumatic_bonding

I wouldn't have another child with a man who is such dick.

No way. Shortly your kids will be at a ‘nice age’ where you can really enjoy them. Get rid of this misogynistic man, find a satisfying job and enjoy your life!

Once your kids go to school it flys by!

Don't let any man rule your life..get yourself back to work ASAP because you may need the your own Salary!!

Just because your a mother doesn't mean you don't deserve an outlet of your own.

From what you've posted before on MN, you seriously need to get yourself and your children away from this abusive bully.
A life on your own with the two children you already have has surely got to be better than the life he's making you live now.
I would get support from your family and any agencies and get the hell away from him!

He sounds a bit abusive tbh. You say you want to earn your own money? I’d bet he’s financially controlling. Do not do it.

Really sorry I could only see the 1st page of this thread. Obviously he’s highly abusive, that was apparent in your very 1st post. I really hope you can get away from this man. You sound like you’re a brilliant mum.

Thanks everyone.
Hes just added another lovely moment to life today. My oldest child had sports day at school the other day. I went wearing leggings and a tshirt so I could freely participate in some of the parents and kids activities. Was told to take lots of pics by partner as he had work. Sent the pics and there wasn't much enthusiasm from dh, found out today its because he has an issue with me wearing leggings. Apparently they are very see through (yet I've wore them round home and he's never stated they were see through) and also because you can see the shape of my bum cheeks. He had a very angry outburst at me. I said lots of women wear these (and he's usually staring at other women wearing them) to which I got the response "lots of other women aren't lying bastards" and "if I'm not getting to see it why should any other fucking man" in reference to me not feeling like sleeping with him..Ive been told many times "any other man would've went elsewhere at this stage"

I wish he would. The other woman would be doing me a favour!

I'm so sick of this. I need my life back. I never want to be with another man after everything I've endured in this relationship. I'm praying to find a home and get out of here ASAP. What a lovely lovely man he is.
May I add he also turned it all on me by saying "don't look at me like that like this is all my fault" because he obviously realised he's told me that I csnt wear something realises it's insane but it's because of my actions of wearing gym leggings that makes it my fault.
I think he thinks I'm wearing them to get men to look at me. Which I find very funny as I'm absolutely nothing to look at and I was so rough looking at the sports day but no he reckons I was out to pull one of the married dads at my sons first ever sports day. That's literally a small snippet of what I face with him