Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting the silent treatment, no idea why

112 replies

Mintchocchip1 · 06/06/2022 19:23

Been with DP 18 months, we are a same sex couple.

Tonight I received a message asking if i was at theirs today, I said yes. I was doing work from their computer as the screen is quite big and it's good for me to work from. At the weekend they had said i could work from it if i didn't want to go into the office. I decided this last minute after DP had left for work and didn't mention i had stayed there working as I didnt think it was a big deal.

I hadn't left any mess, i actually emptied the dishwasher for her. I left before DP arrived home so I could pick DS up from school.

So I get the standard how are you message, how was your afternoon etc. Then i get were you at mine earlier? I replied yes why, she asked why i didn't ask and how long i had been there. I said i didn't think it was a problem as you said i could.
Que silence. I've rung them and been ignored. My messages have been ignored yet they have been online lots.

I'm just baffled at what the issue is tbh?

Tbh im worried as i've been in abusive relationships in the past but this relationship i thought was different. Always felt equal, no abuse but recently i've felt a bit like she nags me, or gets in moods with me. A bit like feeling of walking on eggshells which i get with my abusive ex.

I'm sitting here now upset, trying to rack my brains at what i've actually done wrong.

OP posts:
muchofamuchnessme · 06/06/2022 19:30

Has he read the messages?

Tell him you won't put up with this behaviour. If he can't communicate or learn to communicate like a grown up, he can piss right off.

Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 06/06/2022 19:34

muchofamuchnessme · 06/06/2022 19:30

Has he read the messages?

Tell him you won't put up with this behaviour. If he can't communicate or learn to communicate like a grown up, he can piss right off.

They are online but purposefully not clicking on my messages. Usually she would respond within a reasonable time especially if she was online. And ignoring my call to she never does that.

It's making me feel like i'm some bad child or something. Sitting here thinking what have i done wrong

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 06/06/2022 19:37

I'd send one last text to say If you are not prepared to have a civil conversation with me over what the issue is, then there is nothing more to be said.
This is a deal breaker for me and I will walk away.

I'd give them the chance to read it and respond, but if they didn't contact me pretty much immediately to actually HAVE a conversation with me then that would be me done.

To be honest, it already sounds like you are in another abusive relationship as you talk about 'walking on eggshells'. Don't rack your brains - it's them, not you.

Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 06/06/2022 19:55

MadMadMadamMim · 06/06/2022 19:37

I'd send one last text to say If you are not prepared to have a civil conversation with me over what the issue is, then there is nothing more to be said.
This is a deal breaker for me and I will walk away.

I'd give them the chance to read it and respond, but if they didn't contact me pretty much immediately to actually HAVE a conversation with me then that would be me done.

To be honest, it already sounds like you are in another abusive relationship as you talk about 'walking on eggshells'. Don't rack your brains - it's them, not you.

I guess this is where I've been weak in the past and just let the person walk all o lver me.

I guess I'm worrying I actually have done something wrong (when I can't think of what I possibly could have).

OP posts:
Merlott · 06/06/2022 19:57

MadMadMadamMim · 06/06/2022 19:37

I'd send one last text to say If you are not prepared to have a civil conversation with me over what the issue is, then there is nothing more to be said.
This is a deal breaker for me and I will walk away.

I'd give them the chance to read it and respond, but if they didn't contact me pretty much immediately to actually HAVE a conversation with me then that would be me done.

To be honest, it already sounds like you are in another abusive relationship as you talk about 'walking on eggshells'. Don't rack your brains - it's them, not you.

This is exactly right. Don't let this snowball into abuse. Set the boundary and keep it. You deserve better.

Maytodecember · 06/06/2022 20:00

I think when you get that walking on eggshells feeling it’s a huge red flag. I wish I had recognised it when it happened to me. I didn’t and it turned out to be a very abusive relationship.

Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 06/06/2022 20:19

Thank you. This is where I've struggled before with boundaries and standing up for myself.

I agree walking on egg shells is abusive. I guess I'm just sitting here feeling extremely confused and doubting myself if I feel like that or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 06/06/2022 21:02

I've just said I'm no mind reader and will let her get on with it if she can't tell me the issue.

Still been ignored though. Don't know I'm baffled. Pretty upset tbh

OP posts:
SophSoSo · 06/06/2022 21:15

It’s not fair of her to do this, and it is a major red flag.

Youve done nothing wrong, and even if she was pissed off with something she perceived to be wrong, an adult would communicate with you about it.

Don’t go down this path again OP, you deserve better x

Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 06/06/2022 21:57

SophSoSo · 06/06/2022 21:15

It’s not fair of her to do this, and it is a major red flag.

Youve done nothing wrong, and even if she was pissed off with something she perceived to be wrong, an adult would communicate with you about it.

Don’t go down this path again OP, you deserve better x

Thank you. Yes usually she says what the matter is, so I don't get why tonight she's not.

I actually feel really sick. This is horrible treatment. I think I'm so upset because I thought I had found someone who was my equal and wouldn't be abusive. But this behaviour is not saying that to me.

I thought this was my person, its quite soul crushing

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 06/06/2022 22:04

So she gave you permission at the weekend to work at her place, and today she’s saying you should have asked? Together with the silent treatment and you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, this doesn’t sound good. Sorry @Mintchocchip1 💐

I hope she was just having an off day, or was upset about something else, admits she was wrong and apologises.

Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 03:34

FictionalCharacter · 06/06/2022 22:04

So she gave you permission at the weekend to work at her place, and today she’s saying you should have asked? Together with the silent treatment and you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, this doesn’t sound good. Sorry @Mintchocchip1 💐

I hope she was just having an off day, or was upset about something else, admits she was wrong and apologises.

Yes she did.

I can't sleep and feel sick. Still trying to rack my brains at what she would be annoyed with.

There's a high chance she won't apologise. She rarely does say sorry

OP posts:
youlightupmyday · 07/06/2022 03:59

Nest to know now though OP. I know it feels like shit but better to know sooner rather than later.

muchofamuchnessme · 07/06/2022 04:13

This is a power game.

It is a MAJOR red flag.

You shouldn't be wondering what you've done.

You should be wondering why you are allowing this

Never says sorry.

Been there done that. This ain't going to get better.

Set yourself some boundaries and stick with them, there are plenty more fish in the see, be glad you don't have a mortgage or kid with her, you'll be fucked then.

Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 04:46

We have been arguing alot recently. Our last argument 2 weeks ago was when we spoke on the phone and I was on my way to hers. I playfully asked if she had missed me and she replied I don't really mind I've been busy. I obviously said oh well that's not nice and she hung the phone up.

I know she is finding her job extremely tough atm and hasn't been sleeping and is stressed about it. She wasn't looking forward to go back today after a weeks break but I don't feel like she shouldn't take it out on me.
I just want my old DP back

OP posts:
Enny70 · 07/06/2022 05:01

This is abuse. The silent treatment and nagging are a low level form of abuse and emotional cruelty. I would read about the freedom program if I were you, you don’t want your son growing up around this.

Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 07:03

Enny70 · 07/06/2022 05:01

This is abuse. The silent treatment and nagging are a low level form of abuse and emotional cruelty. I would read about the freedom program if I were you, you don’t want your son growing up around this.

Is it? I feel so dumb, I thought I was clued up on DA and here I am yet again when I swore I wouldn't be here.

She still hasn't opened my messages and continues to ignore me

OP posts:
Ryah76 · 07/06/2022 07:22

I know it’s hard, but stop communicating with her. You have tried and she isn’t responding- I would take that as a her displaying her lack of respect and interest in you, and like others have said it’s abuse.

HollowTalk · 07/06/2022 07:24

You say you want the old relationship back but don't forget a lot of people are on their best behaviour at the beginning and then relax into their true selves.

muchofamuchnessme · 07/06/2022 07:25

She is going to play with you like a kitten with a ball of wool.

You've been warned by everyone.

Take some power back, grow some balls and some self esteem,

Tell her to go fuck herself and block her number.

If you don't, she knows that she can treat you like a piece of shit and will continue to do so every time she doesn't get her way.

Solosunrise · 07/06/2022 07:46

Hope you're ok and got some sleep. Even if you had done something wrong (and to be clear, it don't think it sounds like you have) you don't deserve to get the silent treatment. People with good communication skills talk through disagreements.
Silent treatment is a known emotion abuse tactic.

Minoloso · 07/06/2022 07:49

This is majorly unhealthy OP. Unless she has an extremely good reason for ignoring you I would end it - us she controlling in other ways?

Beamur · 07/06/2022 07:54

You haven't done anything wrong. If you had, she should be reasonable enough to tell you.
This is unfair and unkind behaviour from her.
Don't keep chasing or apologizing.
Everyone has the odd period of time when they're a bit snappy or grumpy. If this is more than that, then you might have some hard decisions ahead.

Dalekjastninerels · 07/06/2022 07:55

Ignore her Silent Treatment- pretend she is not doing this- do not ask why or plead for her to speak to you.

Do not text or call her first.

If she texts you etc act as if nothing has happened- she is using the Silent treatment to manipulate you.

Dalekjastninerels · 07/06/2022 07:56

Also, if she doesn't get her act together -dump her.

Don't wait til she dumps you .