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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting the silent treatment, no idea why

112 replies

Mintchocchip1 · 06/06/2022 19:23

Been with DP 18 months, we are a same sex couple.

Tonight I received a message asking if i was at theirs today, I said yes. I was doing work from their computer as the screen is quite big and it's good for me to work from. At the weekend they had said i could work from it if i didn't want to go into the office. I decided this last minute after DP had left for work and didn't mention i had stayed there working as I didnt think it was a big deal.

I hadn't left any mess, i actually emptied the dishwasher for her. I left before DP arrived home so I could pick DS up from school.

So I get the standard how are you message, how was your afternoon etc. Then i get were you at mine earlier? I replied yes why, she asked why i didn't ask and how long i had been there. I said i didn't think it was a problem as you said i could.
Que silence. I've rung them and been ignored. My messages have been ignored yet they have been online lots.

I'm just baffled at what the issue is tbh?

Tbh im worried as i've been in abusive relationships in the past but this relationship i thought was different. Always felt equal, no abuse but recently i've felt a bit like she nags me, or gets in moods with me. A bit like feeling of walking on eggshells which i get with my abusive ex.

I'm sitting here now upset, trying to rack my brains at what i've actually done wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 07:57

@muchofamuchnessme It's not that easy to grow self esteem, I wish it was. And I know I'm in these situations because my lack of self esteem.

I am aware of what's going on. Still doesn't make it hurt any less.

@Minoloso I don't know. She does always go on about how I spend my money and gets funny when me and ex are civil with each other. Its like she likes it when me and ex aren't getting along.

I remember one comment at a party where I wanted another drink and she told our friend who was buying not to get me anymore. Her friend laughed and went that's a bit controlling.

Other than that I don't think there's anything else

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 07:59

@Solosunrise thank you I got some hours. Feel really sick this morning though.

We have had this issue before when we argue she retreats and I want to talk about it and sort it. Never anywhere this bad before

OP posts:
MissSmiley · 07/06/2022 08:02

I couldn't be doing with that, walk away. How long have you been together?

Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 08:02

Also trying to keep it together in front of DS who asked when he's going to see DP and her DD this morning

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 08:04

MissSmiley · 07/06/2022 08:02

I couldn't be doing with that, walk away. How long have you been together?

18 months. I know its not long in the grand scheme of things. I really did think she was my person to build a future with. Clearly not though

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 07/06/2022 08:10

OP - this is NOT good. You haven't done anything. I guarantee it. She's abusive & controlling.
No decent person behaves like this. None.

Get out. Get out quick. Don't look back

Solosunrise · 07/06/2022 08:22

Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 07:59

@Solosunrise thank you I got some hours. Feel really sick this morning though.

We have had this issue before when we argue she retreats and I want to talk about it and sort it. Never anywhere this bad before

Big hugs. It's a horrible feeling!
Retreating is not the same as silent treatment. A healthy way of retreating would be to explain why you're upset, why you need time ro lick your wounds, and a time-frame for when you'll be ready to talk (and this would be a few hours at most)
Most of us react exactly as you have upon receiving silent treatment. Your partner will know that you're feeling terrible, and when she's good and ready, she'll be back in touch, thinking she's got you back in line because you're grateful the 'punishment' is over.
Only then you'll be forever trying to appease.

If you're a reader can I recommend Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend?

I found it a life changer.

Dalekjastninerels · 07/06/2022 08:25

She is telling you how much to drink?!

Immediate grounds to dump her.

katmarie · 07/06/2022 08:25

Look op, I don't know if anyone ever tells you this, but you do not deserve to be treated this way, you are worth more than this. If she doesn't want to tell you the issue and work it out like grown adults, then that's her loss. Let it (and her) go, and spend some time on you. Build your confidence and take care of yourself a bit. Then when the right person comes into your life you will be ready. It sounds like a cliche, but I speak from experience.

Solosunrise · 07/06/2022 08:27

Ps my lovely husband tends to retreat (go quiet) around disagreement. Old conditioning from before my time with him. He just doesn't know what to say. But he doesn't ignore me, he still responds to messages, and he will listen when I talk. He just tends to process it, and then come back to me later. We recognise that we have different coping strategies. But we never deliberately make the other one feel bad.

MzHz · 07/06/2022 08:36

Mintchocchip1 · 06/06/2022 21:02

I've just said I'm no mind reader and will let her get on with it if she can't tell me the issue.

Still been ignored though. Don't know I'm baffled. Pretty upset tbh

Of course you’re upset, this is a shock.

but this period of time is where most abusive people show their colours

the feelings of confusion and ill at ease is exactly what people like her try to invoke. It knocks you off balance and they can then advance and take more control/power

for the love of all things holy, (or otherwise 😂) you have to end this.

state that boundary. Draw that line firmly. Don’t let her back in your life. You know the stakes.

have you had any therapy to help you learn more about abuse? How to recognise it and avoid it? Like the freedom programme etc?

you can break free from the legacy of abuse, but it starts with doing things differently than you’ve done before. Be absolutely rigidly firm, black and white and immediate about your boundaries

once you’re comfortable being more blunt and direct you can soften a little as you’ll be stronger in yourself and surrounded with decent people.

this woman is not a good partner for you. Never will be either

MzHz · 07/06/2022 08:39

Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 07:59

@Solosunrise thank you I got some hours. Feel really sick this morning though.

We have had this issue before when we argue she retreats and I want to talk about it and sort it. Never anywhere this bad before

You know this stuff escalates

if you’re already arguing at 18m…. You know Something is seriously wrong!

Minoloso · 07/06/2022 08:42

OP the money thing is a big red flag - again it’s controlling. Ditto the booze thing! Think carefully about these things…. with the silent treatment it’s all adding up to be unhealthy and detrimental to you. A good healthy relationship has clear, open and respectful communication - not the silent treatment. And if you are anxious and unhappy your DC will suffer too.

WhenDovesFly · 07/06/2022 08:50

Sorry you're experiencing this treatment OP.

What app are you using to message? If it's Facebook Messenger then there is a way to read messages without it appearing to the sender that you have been online and read them.

NoroHell · 07/06/2022 09:01

I do think you should have double checked that it was ok for you to work at her place in the morning, but her actions since are very immature and controlling.

I wonder if she's jealous that you get to work from home....

FetchezLaVache · 07/06/2022 09:03

Her true colours are starting to show, I'm afraid. I really like @MadMadMadamMim's suggested message, but tbh the more I've read, the more I think you should just walk away. I don't think this one's going to end well, OP. Good luck.

Enny70 · 07/06/2022 09:07

@Mintchocchip1

Yes it is. It’s low level abuse and not criminal or anything, so if you don’t want to think of it as abuse then think of it as emotional cruelty - but really, why should you put up with it even if it stays at a low level. Nagging is a form of non criminal abuse and so is the silent treatment when it’s used without good reason as a means of control (if you had actually done something like stay out all night with someone else or something that would be different).

Would you want a female friend being treated like this by a man? If not then don’t accept it for yourself.

cloudydays2 · 07/06/2022 09:08

Please don't put yourself through this treatment any longer, I had this happen to me within a long term relationship from the age of 17-25. It only gets worse and it has affected me greatly in newer relationships. Stop the chasing and messaging because they thrive off of it whilst you are sat there upset and wracking your brain for answers !

Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 09:21

Solosunrise · 07/06/2022 08:22

Big hugs. It's a horrible feeling!
Retreating is not the same as silent treatment. A healthy way of retreating would be to explain why you're upset, why you need time ro lick your wounds, and a time-frame for when you'll be ready to talk (and this would be a few hours at most)
Most of us react exactly as you have upon receiving silent treatment. Your partner will know that you're feeling terrible, and when she's good and ready, she'll be back in touch, thinking she's got you back in line because you're grateful the 'punishment' is over.
Only then you'll be forever trying to appease.

If you're a reader can I recommend Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend?

I found it a life changer.

Show quote history

Thank you, you are so right. If she needed time to be angry and process for whatever reason she feels that way for, she could just let me know instead of ignoring me.
I havent read that but will give it a read, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 09:24

MzHz · 07/06/2022 08:36

Of course you’re upset, this is a shock.

but this period of time is where most abusive people show their colours

the feelings of confusion and ill at ease is exactly what people like her try to invoke. It knocks you off balance and they can then advance and take more control/power

for the love of all things holy, (or otherwise 😂) you have to end this.

state that boundary. Draw that line firmly. Don’t let her back in your life. You know the stakes.

have you had any therapy to help you learn more about abuse? How to recognise it and avoid it? Like the freedom programme etc?

you can break free from the legacy of abuse, but it starts with doing things differently than you’ve done before. Be absolutely rigidly firm, black and white and immediate about your boundaries

once you’re comfortable being more blunt and direct you can soften a little as you’ll be stronger in yourself and surrounded with decent people.

this woman is not a good partner for you. Never will be either

Show quote history

Oh i've had so much counselling since i left my abusive ex 6 years ago. Read the books, thought i knew what to look out for. Thought i was stronger and my boundaries were better.

Now i'm sitting here thinking i'm back at square one. I didn't see her being this way. Being so cruel to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 09:25

WhenDovesFly · 07/06/2022 08:50

Sorry you're experiencing this treatment OP.

What app are you using to message? If it's Facebook Messenger then there is a way to read messages without it appearing to the sender that you have been online and read them.

It's whatsapp

OP posts:
Original poster
Mintchocchip1 · 07/06/2022 09:38

NoroHell · 07/06/2022 09:01

I do think you should have double checked that it was ok for you to work at her place in the morning, but her actions since are very immature and controlling.

I wonder if she's jealous that you get to work from home....

Perhaps i should have. I saw no issue with it as she's been fine with me being at hers before without her being there. Literally I was just working away on the computer, had my lunch there and then went home. Oblivious to the fact it would anger/upset her.
I'm trying to think of this the other way around and i would literally have no problem with it. I'd think nothing of it, maybe oh she just changed her mind and wanted to work here instead of in the office

OP posts:
MzHz · 07/06/2022 09:50

Don’t forget that the anger is deliberately manufactured to upset you and knock you off balance

you know what you’ve done isn’t wrong, she’s bashing your boundaries to take more control

your abusive relationship 6yrs ago, was that with a woman too?

im asking because it may have been with a man, and you’re automatically discounting similar behaviour because of the difference in sex.

don’t forget that abusers use different tactics to achieve the same goal, and if you have managed to tighten up in one area, an abusive partner will spot another chink in the armour

the more gaps in your defences that you fix, the better the defence force field that surrounds you will be. This will stop potential abusers even passing the time of day with you

go zero tolerance on anything that is unacceptable to you.

and don’t forget, abusers are really good at what they do! This isn’t you being stupid

this is however the time where if you know what you’re in, you’re dumb if you stay in it…

Zpoa · 07/06/2022 09:51

It doesn't matter if you did something 'wrong' or not. Her behaviour in response is abusive and controlling. No need for that ever.

In 4 years I've never had an argument with my DP. We talk like the non abusive adults we are.

Honesty OP, don't put up with this shit. If your self esteem is already low - this shit will squash it completely.

MzHz · 07/06/2022 09:54

Whatever you did, stay and work or go home.:. You’d have been in the wrong