Getting the silent treatment, no idea why

[Mintchocchip1]

Been with DP 18 months, we are a same sex couple.

Tonight I received a message asking if i was at theirs today, I said yes. I was doing work from their computer as the screen is quite big and it's good for me to work from. At the weekend they had said i could work from it if i didn't want to go into the office. I decided this last minute after DP had left for work and didn't mention i had stayed there working as I didnt think it was a big deal.

I hadn't left any mess, i actually emptied the dishwasher for her. I left before DP arrived home so I could pick DS up from school.

So I get the standard how are you message, how was your afternoon etc. Then i get were you at mine earlier? I replied yes why, she asked why i didn't ask and how long i had been there. I said i didn't think it was a problem as you said i could.
Que silence. I've rung them and been ignored. My messages have been ignored yet they have been online lots.

I'm just baffled at what the issue is tbh?

Tbh im worried as i've been in abusive relationships in the past but this relationship i thought was different. Always felt equal, no abuse but recently i've felt a bit like she nags me, or gets in moods with me. A bit like feeling of walking on eggshells which i get with my abusive ex.

I'm sitting here now upset, trying to rack my brains at what i've actually done wrong.

I think sadly you know the answer in terms of the relationship

but the fact you’ve questioned this means your boundaries are getting much better be proud of yourself xx

You deserve better OP.

I would take the initiative and call her, no doubt it will go to voicemail and say you feel her silent treatment is entirely unacceptable and you are now taking time away from her to assess the relationship and having been abused in other relationships you feel that this is now heading the same way. Wish her well and end the call. If she picks up, tell the same thing - take back control, no one has the right to make you feel 'sick' with stress and upset, no one has the right to deliberately ignore your messages without an explanation.

It is not okay.

She may not be 'your person' op and it will be massively disappointing for you, perhaps start thinking that 'your person' is right here before you: it is you. You need to have your own back a little bit more.

I just want my old DP back

NO NO NO NO OP - don't twist yourself into this self-sabotaging mindset.

You know how it goes - the victim craves the "old" partner back, the one who was so great at the beginning of the relationship. And guess what - if you eat enough humble pie, suck up enough hurt, avoid enough eggshells ... you will get her back!

But what you are getting back is a fantasy. It's the "nice DP", presented in the same way as early on. It is the "idealise" phase of the cycle of abuse. How long before she slips from "idealise" into "devalue" & then "discard"? Again, & again, & again, with the "idealise" phase lasting less & less time every cycle?

You know how this cycle goes too OP. You've been sucked into one before. Your partner is already showing controlling behaviours about YOUR money, about YOUR choice to have a drink - & this current behaviour is an absolute classic, gaslighty tactic.
It's pretty much "oh, feel free to use my favourite blue mug, you are my person & you are welcome" turning into "you used MY BLUE MUG you are a poisonous bitch get out of my sight I will now ignore you until you are suitably chastened."

She has pulled the rug out from under you to destablise you.
She knows damn well she gave you blanket permission to stay on & use her PC.
It's not looking good OP.
How do you feel about ending it with her?

OP,

Yes she is abusive.

Your self esteem you admit is low.

Then you need to put your child first and not be in a relationship until you improve your self esteem.

You know you are walking on eggshells yet you continue with the relationship?

You need to be honest with yourself about this relationship and put your child first.

This is not a relationship you should want your child around when her treatment of you causes you such upset.

There are two separate issues here.

1. Unlike all the other posters, I think it was not okay for you to stay working at her house without letting her know. She said on the weekend that it was okay if you wanted to which is great. The polite thing to do would be to say as she was leaving, or send a text, "I'm going to take you up on your offer to work here today if that's okay." I have a fairly open door policy with friends and family but I would expect someone to let me know if they were going to be in my home.
2. She is using abusive and controlling behaviour to punish you for your transgression. That's unacceptable, no matter what you did.

It may well be that she's furious you can't see why she's upset, but from everything else you've said, the fact that you were (in my opinion) wrong in this instance is irrelevant. She wants you to do what she says, when she says, how she says. And that's no way to live.

So either she acknowledges that her way of behaving isn't okay (And I've read a number of posters over the years on here who've said they were able to make their DP see that sulking and silent treatment was not okay so it IS possible), or you need to move on.

You don't know why and they'll never tell you why they are giving you the silent treatment.
There even is no "why", most probably. Not in the sencse you mean it. The "why" is about control, they want you on eggshells so that you behave the way they want.
These kind of manipulators are insiduous and want you to feel bad.
Leave this person, if possible today. Give them a life long silent treatment !

OP go over. You know she's online so you know she's at home. Go over.
Then ask her face to face what the problem is and why she has been ignoring your messages. Call her out on it. Don't sit there waiting. Don't give someone that control over your life.

They've been in a relationship 18 months. If it's not OK for OP to take her partner up on an offer without having to act as if they are only acquaintances and ask again OP should dump her.

I think that is good. But physically go over a do it.

I disagree. DH and I dated for 2 years before we lived together. He had a key to my place. He was at mine at leat 5 nights a week and often got back from work before me. No problem. But, if for some reason he was going into MY home at a time that I was not expecting, he'd let me know. I would never have said no, so it certainly would be about asking permission. But it is polite.

@Triffid1 I'd agree somewhat if op had gone over to her dps house to work, but she didn't. She was already there.

OP you know this is abusive. Like a PP, I also wondered if you'd fallen into the trap of thinking "but this can't be abusive because we're both women" - sadly women can be just as shitty as men.

Lots of people have stressful jobs. They don't take out that stress on their partners unless they're abusive. You deserve much better than this.

I think even if you have done something wrong, you can't put it right or apologise if she won't tell you what it is. That is abusive right there.

Leave her to stew in her own self-created outrage, I'm sure you would do your best to put it right if she was grown up enough to discuss it with you. But she isn't, so you can't.

I'm sorry you're sad. We all know just how that feels. Can you allow yourself to plan a lovely day just for you and your DS? You deserve so be treated with love and respect - if she chooses not to, that is on her. Treat yourself properly with love and respect and hold your head high. She's the loser here, not you. By which I mean she's the one who loses out, not you.

Leave her.

If she was neutral towards; let alone liked or loved you she would not treat you this way.

Fuck her ( or rather don't )

She is a nasty controlling piece of work.

Don't be a statistic that is murdered by their partner.

I'm wondering if maybe it's privacy-related? Like if you don't live together and maybe her computer is personal to her and she didn't think you'd be using her computer, maybe she thought you'd use your own laptop or something? Maybe there was something on her computer that she didn't want you to see and she's bricking it that maybe you saw it.

What are you getting out of this relationship?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Its matter not that you are in a same sex relationship. This is now over because of the abuse she metes out towards you (and in turn your child).

Your boundaries, already skewed by past abusive relationships and abuse in one form or another, are further being got at by this woman now. Sadly also, you've gone from one abusive person to yet another in a relationship which is not uncommon either. Abuse is insidious in its onset and creeps up on people unawares.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. How is it you've had a series of abusive relationships to date; this is likely also stemming from childhood. It needs addressing in therapy.

This woman targeted you deliberately (she sensed something within you she could exploit for her own ends) and put on an act to draw you in; this was an act that she could never hope to maintain. Its usually also around the 12-18 month mark that abusive people often (but not always) start to show their true colours. I would also think there have been examples of abusive behaviour from her towards you before now also but these have simply not been recognised by you as abuse and perhaps dismissed or otherwise excused.

Be on your own with your child, its far better than sticking with your abuser. Do not enter into any romantic relationship with a man or woman until you have had some therapy to unlearn the crap you have picked up about relationships along the way. Please also look at the Freedom Programme and start to love your own self for a change. Your child will also thank you for doing that.

I find this graphic quite useful OP. In your situation the breakdown of communication (her ignoring you) and your need to placate her (trying to understand what you did wrong).

The truth is, you haven’t done anything wrong. You don’t need a reason to walk away. You don’t need to justify that decision to anyone. Trust your gut.

What's up @Dalekjastninerels - is the thread not dramatic enough for you?
I don't need we need to paint the stonewalling g/f as a murderer just yet.

Dalekjastninerels does not listen to the likes of you KettrickenSmiled.

Boiling frog? Hello?!

Dalekjastninerels does not listen to the likes of you KettrickenSmiled.
😂😂😂

With a fantasy life as active as yours, who'd ever need to listen to ANYONE else @Dalekjastninerels ?

You are disrespectful

Do you think women who are murdered in abusive relationships were treated with respect before they were murdered.

Wake up

Thank you everyone for your responses. They have really been helping me.

I got a response from her a moment ago. Basically she said i disrespected her house and it was bad that i didnt ask. Shes annoyed i moved some stuff off the desk when i had to, to be able to work. She said the kitchen was a mess- it was not. I even emptied the dishwasher and put it away for her and then reloaded. She said i left the back outdoor light on. I had not even gone outside or flicked a switch and that i had put the heating on. I did do that because it was 17c inside but i didnt keep it on for long and then turned it off.

She then went onto say how shes trying to do her bit for the environment and im just disrespectful and shes angry with me.

It's all very petty. I mean i'll apologize for making her feel that way but to treat me how she has all for that, it's not on

So how are you left feeling @Mintchocchip1 ?

It sounds like she's over reacting and putting stuff on you that isn't true. I still think she is justified about being annoyed you just stayed at her house. But it doesn't excuse her behaviour or her response.

You have two options as I see it:

1. Walk away now on the basis that you don't expect to be treated like this and won't put up with it.
2. Apologise for overstepping and staying in her house without letting her know but make it clear that if she has a problem, she needs to tell you and allow the two of you to discuss it in future because silent treatment and sulking isn't okay and that if it continues to happen you won't be able to stay in the relationship.

Walk away now.

You derserve better- she will bullshit you and say she will change and she will: until the next time you mess up in her eyes.