Anyone in their 40s HAPPYLY embracing single life?

[Hanswurst]

Currently in the process of separating from STBXH of 20 years and have 3 DCs, so I totally get that this might influence my current mood.
In addition, STBXH is a high functioning alcoholic and incredibly selfish to boot, so again, this may taint my current perception.
But: While I am incredibly heartbroken at times, part of me can not wait to be single! I honestly intend to never, ever live with another adult again, and I can’t even see myself in a meaningful relationship again either, so it’s not about that.
I just can’t wait to make my own choices! To live how I want! To chose my own furniture, to chose to have my cat in bed with me, to spend my Sunday mornings drinking coffee and reading the papers in bed on my own… I can’t wait!
However - part of me is really terrified that once that time comes I will just be feeling sad and lonely.
So I guess that’s why I’m posting this!
Please tell me about your happily single life in your 40s (or older!)

I am 40, been a lone parent for 5 years, since my children were tiny. I was devastated by the divorce and couldn't imagine at the time that it is the best thing that could have happened to me. I feel sad for my children that they don't have a father in their lives but I am happy as I am.

I love living alone with my children. I love our home. I love sleeping alone. My freedom is limited as my children are still so young but I take them on holidays, I go out with friends.

I have 3 men who all want to be FWB but I can't really be bothered atm. 😅 It makes me a little sad at Christmas and birthdays, when there is no adult in my life so share love with, but I wouldn't sacrifice what I have now. Stability for the children and for me, no uncertainty of knowing someone else can wreck your life.

I think the living alone thing is key. That way if you do decide to have some form of relationship in the future you are not financially and practically entangled and can easily extricate yourself with no damage to other parts of your life, if it ceases to be fun or fulfilling.

Women in general put up with far too much crap from men and being totally independent is something I'd never give up again.

Meeee so yes. When I finally seperate from STBXH of 20 years I don't want to ever have any sort of relationship or live with another man again. I don't desire another relationship and even if I did between my DCs SEN and my own health issues I don't see how a relationship could ever work. After what the supposed love of my life put me through I'm really really done with this.

Don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for women just because they don’t have relationships / kids. It’s well-meaning but patronising.

I’m 48, split from my ex nearly 8 years ago after living together for 10 years & since then my career, my health - both mental & physical - & my social life have soared. I know for certain I’m both healthier & happier single.

Anyone reassuring me that I still might find ‘the one’ gets a very hard stare!

I didn't take it as patronising, I guess because newbie isn't saying its bad to be single. I personally do feel that my choice is between being single, and being with a shit man, because I can't truly believe there are any decent ones. In some ways it would be a nice novelty to be in a relationship with a nice person but I don't want to take that risk thanks. And I like being single.

A man was nice to me in a work situation in front of a lot of people (stopped me falling off a stage) but my reaction was still to flinch. It did make me feel like that's something else ex has taken from me; the ability to see the good in men.

Sorry if I misjudged you, newbie.
🍷🍰

I separated three years ago but unfortunately for financial reasons am not able to live alone.

I’d advise you to write down every little thing you’re looking forward to about single life @Hanswurst & if loneliness ever hits when you’re free, read that lovely list.

to spend my Sunday mornings drinking coffee and reading the papers in bed on my own… I can’t wait

I do this and I’ll admit it’s sublime!

However - part of me is really terrified that once that time comes I will just be feeling sad and lonely
I feel like this but not all the time and my need for a relationship has lessened more over time.

I still want one so I’m not the ideal contributor to this thread but the things I love most about my single life are:

• not worrying so much about EXDH & his family
• not worrying so much about my marriage
• feeling more relaxed in bed at night
• feeling more relaxed in general
• having much simpler needs
• finally figuring out how to enjoy my own company after decades of anxiety-provoking relationships

I never minded having to factor someone else into my plans but I know many people love that element of the single life

I'm turning 40 and split from my ex 2 years ago, 2 kids under 10. My life is 10x better than it was with him. I was so lonely, confused, tormented and abandoned in my marriage. He had 2 long-term affairs while I turned myself inside out trying to support him through his "depression". He entirely opted out of family life, and I was responsible for the house, the children, while working full-time with the vast majority of the financial responsibility.

I'm a different person now, I still get weekly therapy which is a major support to me. I do yoga weekly and go to the gym 3 times. I have so much more free time now as he has to take the kids. I'm never lonely. I was so lonely in my marriage, but never now. I have so many friends, a fulfilling career, and 2 great kids.

A relationship would add nothing to my life other than compromise and complexity. And I refuse to ever put my childrens security and happiness at risk. We do what we want to do, when we want to do it. My ex is passive and is happy to default all decisions/control to me which suits us both. Sex is a distant memory, and I can't imagine ever being intimate with another man - I don't know if that's a positive or a negative? And, I also think I don't have space in my head, my schedule, or my life for a man. The overwhelming feeling that I have is one of freedom and peace, I'll never jeopardize that again.

Last thing, feel lucky that you can get out. From my vantage point, a lot of my friends are in subpar relationships, getting by and compensating with other areas of their lives. A few have said they envy me the freedom to leave, and to not need my ex. If he never gave me money again, I'd be fine. I know not every woman has that independence.

I've been single more or less since I was 36 and my marriage ending (now 40). I've had a couple of "situanships" but haven't lived with a man since.

I realised that aged 39 I'd like to have a child without the complications of a man/another relationship so I'd decided to go it alone using a sperm donation and was fortunate to conceive and have my son last year. The best decision I've made.

Running your home, finances and free time is incredibly satisfying. Of course life can be tough at times (being single) and the challenges of single handedly looking after a child (ren) by yourself however the positives of being single outweigh the negatives, in my experience.

I won't live with another man until my son is grown up at least but in the future I might be open to a "relationship lite" (dating but no marriage/entangling finances etc) if and when I meet someone who feels similarly (not looking at the moment/or bothered about it!). I do on occasion miss the physical intimacy but these are fleeting feelings and certainly not strong enough to make me reconsider my stance on relationships at the moment.

I agree with Pp, yes it is possible to be "free" AND have a relationship, but this appears to be in the minority of cases. I feel the women I know in real life compromise too much (and are mostly "locked in" their romantic relationships due to financial constraints and the fear of being alone).

Ah op I remember that feeling
I started decorating to my taste before he'd even moved out which I remember really pissed him off!
Mine was also a pain in the arse alcoholic
Im 40 soon and it's been over a year since he left
Sometimes I have moments of loneliness and disappointment but mainly I still feel free and liberated. I've downloaded all the friendship apps I can: peanut, FROLO, Meetup etc and I make sure all my time is filled
The house is still a work in progress but I can't wait til it's finished

Not that I feel the need to convince those who just won't believe it that I genuinely never want a relationship ever again but I would like to find the words to explain it to concerned friends and this sums it up perfectly!

A relationship would add nothing to my life other than compromise and complexity.

@Thisisit2022 yes that line resonated with me too. It's very frustrating when people just presume you're unhappy being single and that YOU HAVE to be in a relationship to be whole somehow.
As for sex I've always thought it was overrated and I couldn't care a less if I never have it again

I'm 45 and have been single since I split up with abusive ex almost exactly 10 years ago. I haven't had any relationships since, partly because it took me a while to process what I'd been through, and also because I haven't met anyone I really liked. I haven't been dating because I can't be arsed! I love my life: I can please myself. No kids involved which makes things much easier. Yes I do occasionally get lonely but I have good friends nearby.

I look at my friends' relationships and I'm mostly glad to be alone. Yes a shag would be nice from time to time but I'm honestly not that fussed!

Recently single. Had a hard year but happier and would never go back. Even though I did all the things I'm doing with my younger kids 10/12 I do find it a bit lonely at times.

I'm on hideous dating apps but not letting them get to me any more and joined Meetup/Frolo. I'd like to fine more parents with kids the same age to do things with.

I won't live with another again either. I like my space and separate life. They key is creating your own life. With no kids, a lot easier to walk away.

Takes time but I know I'll be much much happier and already am, but would like a bit of company in my life.

The OP sounds like me. I never want to be tied to anyone again. I can do my own thing.

47 and mum of 4

I've been single for 7 years and life has never been so easy. I only have 2 children still at home (others are old enough to live with their partners). I’ve only had that one relationship and it ended so badly that I have lost trust in being in a relationship

I have no intention of ever dating again.

Just 50 and been divorced 5 years. Never had so much attention in my life but am very happy on my own.
When I see couples bickering in the aisle of B&Q at the weekends, I bloody well thank my lucky stars !!!

I’m really glad you posted this. I’m 43 and on the verge of becoming single after 6 years of marriage with two young children. I can’t imagine ever being in a relationship again now after this. Thank you for giving me some hope for the future

single and mostly enjoying it. freedom to do what I want, spend how I want, go where I want, make my own choices! freedom to be messy or tidy.

love may come one day but I'm not looking for it. and it would have to be right!

Checking in... I'm early 50s now but was in my 40s when divorced, also from a high functioning alcoholic.

Just yesterday my 20something ds had to meet up with his father, and the alcohol abuse has ranked up quite a pace it seems. He's remarried now to the OW, and when ds told me, all I could think was, phew, that is her problem now.

I did have a short term relationship about 2 years after my divorce, but it was just hard work and frankly, I couldn't be bothered to deal with another man child.

I live quite happily doing my own thing. I did unfortunately lose a fair few friends (as married couples aren't that keen on having a single woman hanging around them, eye roll). I often think back about just how much drama I had to deal with whilst married, and I just can't do that again. I'm probably a bit jaded as it was drama after drama that I had to deal with (most of it alcohol related).

There will be times that are a bit rough OP, it's not all sunshine and roses. But I would much rather live my life how I do now then how I did married.

i love being single. I’m 49 with two teens. Can’t ever imagine wanting to be in a relationship again. I like my own company.

My mum turned 40 last year and hasn't been in a relationship since her late 20s I don't think. She's one of the most strongest and independent women I know

I love it @Fuzzyhippo

@CrapBucket ditto. I couldn't word it better. No dog for me though!

@bluecarrotandbeans
‘When I see couples bickering in the aisle of B&Q at the weekends, I bloody well thank my lucky stars !!!’

ha ha! So true

@CrapBucket
’It did make me feel like that's something else ex has taken from me; the ability to see the good in men’

💐