Anyone in their 40s HAPPYLY embracing single life?

[Hanswurst]

Currently in the process of separating from STBXH of 20 years and have 3 DCs, so I totally get that this might influence my current mood.
In addition, STBXH is a high functioning alcoholic and incredibly selfish to boot, so again, this may taint my current perception.
But: While I am incredibly heartbroken at times, part of me can not wait to be single! I honestly intend to never, ever live with another adult again, and I can’t even see myself in a meaningful relationship again either, so it’s not about that.
I just can’t wait to make my own choices! To live how I want! To chose my own furniture, to chose to have my cat in bed with me, to spend my Sunday mornings drinking coffee and reading the papers in bed on my own… I can’t wait!
However - part of me is really terrified that once that time comes I will just be feeling sad and lonely.
So I guess that’s why I’m posting this!
Please tell me about your happily single life in your 40s (or older!)

I've been single for ten years next month. Two teenage DC and a dog. I've honestly never been happier in all my life.
I can do what I want, when I want. I can sit quietly with no questions asked.
Yes my head hurts sometimes with doing EVERYTHING but I'm freeeeee ❤️

I have lived on my own, raising two sons for last nine years, l think single life is entirely what you make of it, if you have the right mindset you can make a great success of it. It can be nerve wracking when things go wrong, but it also develops you in other ways, so much so in fact that like a lot of other women on here, having another man around seems surplus to requirements. I love the calm peaceful atmosphere, not having to face a partner coming home in a mood, or trying to sort out his issues.
I have a beautiful garden that l enjoy working on and a house full of books, crafts, pets and love. I am now very relaxed when it comes to housework, and come and go as l please. I have had healthy relationship s in the past, l do enjoy men's company, but this way of life suits me very much.

I've been single 11 years... had dates/FWB over those years here and there. I won't live with a man again. I've been busy forging a career and raising my kids I'm quite happy being left alone 🥳

Me!!!! I'm 41, with 2 DC, and split with XH 3yrs ago (after years of his nonsense). We'd initially separated so that he could get sober/clean (yep, another alcoholic, and I found out he was on the Class A's too) so that we could at least try and work on marriage. That didn't work as he was probs already seeing OW at that point, and he fucked off with her (she didn't have a problem with him drinking and doing drugs, because she also did the same).

At the time, I was absolutely broken (didn't help that I'd lost my parents too, one before and one after the split). But I was also relieved (and for a weird reason, I felt guilty that I was relieved as I thought I should have done more to "save the marriage" - how stupid?!). He was terrifying when he was drunk/high (I start to shake when I see people who are drunk or smell whiskey/vodka). I spent years trying everything I could to help him, and none of it worked. But all those years, I spent walking on eggshells as I never knew what he'd be like from day to day/hour to hour. I couldn't plan anything. I spent so much time trying to shield the kids from his behaviour when he was drunk/high.

Now? I can do what I like (within reason!), when I like. I'm not scared anymore. I have the house as I want it, I can go to work and not worry about what I'll come home to. I'm less stressed (times a billion!). I know the kids are a lot less stressed too. I have my DC and my cats, and it's wonderful. We can do lovely outings or have friends over, and not have to deal with any of his shitty dramas. The house is peaceful and I wake up with a smile every day. The crazy thing is now XH and I get on well - he has cut down the alcohol and I don't think he uses drugs anymore (I remember what he was like when he was on them), and is behaving more like the guy I married.

I'm sad that the XH went down the path he did. I never would have thought that would happen when we got married (he was a lovely guy then). But I don't plan to ever be with anyone again. I like my freedom and my/my children's peace too much and I won't risk that for anyone. I'm not interested in dating or even flings.

I've found my people! I've been happily single and living with my (now young adult) DC for seven years. I love it and can't ever imagine living with a man again. I'm so glad you posted this as people seem to think it's really strange that I don't have any desire to meet anyone.

I look at my married friends and don't envy them at all. Middle aged men just seem to be so grumpy and stuck in their ways. No way do I want to go back to sharing a bed with a snorer, I love having the bed to myself and being able to go to bed early if I want without any expectation of sex. It's so liberating being able to make decisions for myself without consulting anyone. I've got a few friends who are serial online daters and I just don't get it. I honestly can't think of any way in how my life could be enhanced by having a man!

This thread is lovely. I've been seperated and just waiting for the divorce proceedings to get to the bit that you sign after 20 weeks and have been determined to get over the ex and make myself happy single.

I am 44 and delightfully single. I am a lone parent and like many others divorced from an alcoholic (mine was abusive). I can plan what I want, see friends, sit in God awful pants if I want to and no one cares. No pressure to shave my legs, I do it when I feel like it. I love the freedom and the only thing I miss is a good old hug sometimes. I have friends and family I can bounce ideas off. Not looking for anyone can be really freeing. Some people do have an issue with single women but I work with a lot of men so am fairly adept and making sure people don't feel threatened by me plus most of my friends are not idiots. I thoroughly recommend the single life.

Another happily single here too. I’ve been a single parent for the last 9 years and I’m now 46. I have no interest or desire to share my life again in a relationship. I can follow my own interests, enjoy my hobbies, decorate my home and have full autonomy in my life. Would never live any differently again.

Interesting the comments about people not liking single women, or not inviting single women to-whatever-gathering or having to be carefull as a single woman.

I think I’ve noticides being left out also.

What the hell is that about?

I have always felt welcome.

I don't think it's the typical response of all women think if you're single you'll want their man.

I think it could be a little bit of that but I also think a lot of men don't want happy single women reminding their oh that they can be happy and single. When I was with exh he hated it if I went out with single friends. I didn't put two and two together until just now, but all my single friends he made disparaging remarks about. He only liked my coupled up friends.

Yep, I'm mid forties and been single over two years now. I like the freedom, peace, and relaxation. Might start going on the apps again and keep an eye out in the real world, but I'm very happy as I am too. I think it's also the best standpoint from which to start dating or anything; not needing someone, and quite happy to ditch someone if there are any red flags etc.

But I really enjoy my own company and interests.

Another interesting/great thing about being single is that I look at other people’s good relationships and yes, I envy certain elements (emotional support & physical intimacy, in particular) but the very structure of some of these ‘good’ relationships can be bizarre.

one friend of mine mentions often that she hit the jackpot with her hubby. He’s a great man but she’s not herself around him (she has admitted as much to me). She describes it as ‘not nagging’ but it seems to me that she tries very hard to be the kind of woman he wants her to be. She’s actually much brasher and tougher than she is when she’s around him. It’s bizarre. She gives out about him sometimes and tells me stories ‘before he comes home’ as she’d rather he not think she’s the type to talk about others. It’s kind of crazy. They’re married 15 years and people often comment on how great a couple they are …

another couple, who people often comment on in glowing terms … my friend in the couple often mentions how she and her wife never argue but she also mentions all the things her wife does that drive her crazy but doesn’t have the courage to say to her …

so even in these seemingly amazing relationships there is so much repressed emotion or control (without it being coercive control or abuse … Just the power dynamic). I couldn’t be with someone I had to be someone else around.

Thank you all so very very much. I feel quite overwhelmed by all the responses. What a lovely thread this turned out to be! I have read all your replies more than once and they have been nothing but wonderful and uplifting. I am
so grateful to you all for sharing your experiences and confirming that this is absolutely the right path for me, and that my future will be as lovely as I am envisioning it to be. It means a lot.

I don't have children so I guess it is a bit different, but I've been single since 2009. I've had a few short term flings and FWBs, lots of one night stands, but nothing serious. I did used to have an ex (together for 2 years, friends afterwards for 18yrs) that was very definitely on both sides just a friend, so I guess I did have someone for company for a while, but since he's gone (his girlfriend won't let him be friends with me and he accepts that) I've been perfectly happy.

Don't get me wrong, another wage would be handy, and I have never done much DIY in my house so that's a bit scary - my toilet cistern is dripping inside and I don't know how to fix it despite googling - but even if the house stays in a half renovated stage for the next million years, I wouldn't swap that for a relationship, male, female, anything. My sister keeps suggesting I get a lodger so I have extra money, but I never want to live with someone again. I love being on my own, doing my own thing. A companion would be good at times for a walk or to go on holiday, most of my friends are in long term relationships and the one who isn't has a very active social life so I don't get to see her much.

I am beginning to see the independent me again that I was in my twenties. I might be broke, my house might be a "project" but I can do anything I want, whenever I want. I love it.

I'm turning 50 later this year, so just scrape into the age bracket.

Ended my last relationship over a year ago and am incredibly happy single. Normally I'd test the waters of OLD but this time I said f*ck it. I honestly cannot be bothered and wish I'd reached this point years ago. I accept now that my worth is not measured by whether or not I have a partner. I've a fabulous circle of friends and do what I want, when I want! I feel really free.

I have no interest in living with a man again. I may have a relationship, but he'd have to be pretty damn special as I'm not prepared to put my heart through the wringer again any time soon!

I've been single for 13 years and am now late 40s. I've had the odd fwb and date, but I have no interest in a relationship. I do not find anything appealing in the mundanity of a relationship - I'm never lonely, just on my own and that's ok.

I dream of the day I could have the life you're describing OP (and many others!)

For mostly financial reasons I'm not leaving but if I won the lottery I'd be out of here in a flash, I can't imagine I'd ever look back.

I'm sick of the moods, the tantrums (mantrums!) the pettiness, tight-fistedness, the general utter shit that comes out of his mouth - to list but a few.

Just me and the cat, that'd do me for the rest of my days.

Utterly utterly sick to the back teeth of men these days.

All the best OP, you're about to live your best life!

DD is nearly 50 and hasn’t been in a long term relationship for 20 years. she has loads of single friends, enjoys her job and has a good social life. She is very close to her nieces and is completely happy. Says she never wanted to get married. You don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy and you can be very unhappy in a bad one.

I'm 44 - been separated 4.5 years and divorce in process.

My split wasn't what I planned or wanted and I still feel v sad that our family 'ended' and the dc were heartbroken BUT I did best to embrace the single life I was thrust into. Fortunately it was the year me and my friends were turning 40 so there was lots going on to distract me. I also made an effort to do things I hadn't done before - like take my dc to a festival, go abroad with them, etc. I dated for a year or so and had fun doing so and then met my dp.

We have been together almost 3 years but no plans to live together. I want my dc to have all of me while they need me and I like being Queen of my castle! I am buying my ex out and feel v proud that I will own my own house. It will be a struggle but such an achievement. I'm not about to let another man jeopardise that! We see each other most days and stay together when the dc are with their dad, who, funnily enough has had the social life that was so important to him disrupted by the separation while mine took off!

I lived with my ex because we were married and had dc. I don't need to live with someone I won't be doing either of these things with. I feel I am a better partner with my own space.

Good luck op - don't say no to new experiences!

I'm mid 40s and been alone for about 11yrs. At first it was because I didn't want the complication of a step father in my children's lives but now I'm relatively free (youngest is 13) I still haven't made any real moves at finding someone for a relationship. I like the freedom of not having to compromise with another adult. I did find it lonely during lockdown and over the pandemic because I couldn't spend so much time with friends and family.

Please do WHATEVER you can to get out. It's worth a bit of financial hardship for a happy life...and it would be a happy life - just you and the cat!

Me. Im 40 now and left (selfish, lazy and horrible) ex just over 2 years ago. Id never live with anyone again, me and my 2 DC are happy. We have cats and a dog which would never have happened. I am so much happier. Being a single parent is hard but its easier than doing everything for the kids and for an ungrateful man child.

Also going to bed after a long hard day and not being pestered for sex is heaven.

@Sunshineandflipflops I like that saying! Being the 'Queen of my castle'

Thats how it feels, and its good to be Queen.

I’m not quite 40 yet, but I’ve been single for eight years, youngest dc is nearly 16, and I have no intention of sharing my space with a man again. I actually haven’t dated at all in that time, but I’m in a space now where I’d maybe consider dinner / coffee, if I met someone I thought would be interesting company. But I love the freedom I have to come and go as I please, to change the channel, to read in bed. I love that I can keep my home calm and drama free.