Anyone in their 40s HAPPYLY embracing single life?

[Hanswurst]

Currently in the process of separating from STBXH of 20 years and have 3 DCs, so I totally get that this might influence my current mood.
In addition, STBXH is a high functioning alcoholic and incredibly selfish to boot, so again, this may taint my current perception.
But: While I am incredibly heartbroken at times, part of me can not wait to be single! I honestly intend to never, ever live with another adult again, and I can’t even see myself in a meaningful relationship again either, so it’s not about that.
I just can’t wait to make my own choices! To live how I want! To chose my own furniture, to chose to have my cat in bed with me, to spend my Sunday mornings drinking coffee and reading the papers in bed on my own… I can’t wait!
However - part of me is really terrified that once that time comes I will just be feeling sad and lonely.
So I guess that’s why I’m posting this!
Please tell me about your happily single life in your 40s (or older!)

Omg. This thread is an absolute inspiration!!! I dream of all of this. In fact, right now, I can feel my fingers typing out DH's email address to drop the bombshell...... as I have done for months but have not been able to bring myself to really do it, the soft shit that i am

Do it life is too short. You will feel liberated it's worth it.

I seperated from exdh when I turned 40. After almost 20 years together. It was desperately needed, but also terrifying too. Suddenly a single parent of 5 dc, youngest only 1 yo.

But, after a rocky couple of first months, consisting of see-sawing between doubt,freedom, doubt, freedom, and perhaps one too many takeaways and bottles of wine crying in front of a shit film late at night, life got sooooooo much better. I started to look out for ME a bit more. Started going out with friends every so often, started buying myself a few nice bits of clothing (wasn't allowed much before, even though I earned the most money), changed my career even, took the DC on holidays, and days out, just us and my god was that so much better than having a whingy man with us. We could do stuff WE wanted, that didn't revolve around a bloody pub.

I am recently in another relationship, but I really don't think I want to live with another man again. Those years in my 40's were sometimes hard, mainly because of the DC and no financial help from ex at all, but the freedom and good fun we started to have outweighed all that.

The DC have turned out pretty damn fine. I know I did the right thing by leaving. Just takes that initial courage. I reckon I could do just about anything now.

Just to add, the biggest thing to being single again, I found ME again.
After years of little bits of me being chipped away, or squashed, or silenced. So much I hadn't noticed.
Then those little bits started coming back again, slowly at first, then in full force. I can't describe it, except it is so wonderful to just be me again.

Reading this with hope - I'm not yet 40 (37.5 actually) but been single since last September after a traumatic 7 year relationship with my ex (which resulted in our DS) and whilst I've been on the apps, I don't really pay it much attention.

I flit between being happy that I'm single and then desperately lonely which isn't helped by ex DP meeting and moving in with his girlfriend of 4 months.

I'd like to think I'd meet someone eventually, but at the same time also want to get to a place where I don't feel I need to.

Oh FUCK yes.

And another fuck yes from me!!!! I know I'm in there somewhere, and soon I'll be bursting out again. A song made me cry the other day, which it never had before, but it really hit home. In the song Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, the line "Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her way from the rest of the world, I wanna be the one to walk in the suuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnn...." That's me. Or it will be soon.

I remember happy crying at Disney Tangled because of the line Rapunzel sings in one of the songs "with every passing hour im so glad i left my tower"

Also Frozen "its funny how some distance makes everything seem small and the fears that once controlled me cant get to me at allllllll"

I will never stop appreciating how good the freedom feels.

Another single in her 40s one here. I'm 46 with one DC and my own space and business and I can't currently imagine a time where I'd want to ever live with anyone again. I've only been single 18 months, though he wasn't DS's father (he's never been involved), and I found I had to work so hard to make the relationship work, it was exhausting. I never let him move in as I could see it would be like having a teenager and a kid, and he just wouldn't be an equal partner. I've now realised that between my kid, business and dog, there's precious little energy and headspace left, and to give that to a man doesn't really make sense. I'd prefer to invest it in myself. I've made various single mum friends, and we go out and about, and I meet men when I do go out for the odd fling or date. I'm happy with that. Maybe one day I'll want more, but I will never do OLD. I just don't want or need a man enough to want to put myself through it. If it never happens, that's absolutely fine, that wasn't my path. And YES to everyone who says they rarely envy others' relationships. I mean there's the odd one, but they all seem to require a hell of a lot of compromise from the woman.

Me! I was incredibly happily single for a few years after a very toxic marriage. Found myself again and enjoyed my work, social life and children. I planned on staying single as it was the happiest I've ever been........ (then met the love of my life at 44 which kaiboshed those plans 🙄😬)

Sorry just watching this thread its uplifting me so much. I'm in a relationship I'm planning to leave due to how controlling it is. I'm 36 but have been in my relationship 20 years and I've thought about the freedom yous are all talking about & living & it sounds fabulous. I've been so scared of taking the next step of leaving and being alone again with 2 small dc but this thread is liberating me. I'm actually crying reading all these amazing posts from amazing women who are all so happy in their single lives. Once I'm out of this I honestly can't imagine myself jumping into another relationship or sharing my home with anyone except dc obviously. Being able to make random decisions whenever I choose sounds lush and with no interrogations and being free of fear from him. Please keep this going. Someone like me needs to remember how incredible life can be when you aren't with someone who is controlling every aspect of your being!

You've been with someone your whole, adult life (since you were 16 if my Maths is correct!) If you were to become single you'd probably find that you'd change so much as you'd discover exactly who YOU are!

Split from ex a year ago after 20 year relationship ended with him having a mid life crisis complete with losing weight, having affair and getting new car... I'm so happy now, my life is lovely and so peaceful. I have been dating but I'm going to put that on the back-burner again as I think being single is right for me at the moment. I can't imagine living with someone other than the kids again.

This is such a lovely thread!

@littlerayofsunshine0, it’s all out there waiting for you.

It's not just divorces that cause this feeling. Out of my circle of five/six women in late 40's/early 50's in happy marriages, only one has said that she'd live with/marry again if anything were to happen to husbands. All of the rest of us say we'd rather live alone/with kids. I presume most women just don't feel the need so much after years of domesticity.

It's not just divorces that cause this feeling. Out of my circle of five/six women in late 40's/early 50's in happy marriages, only one has said that she'd live with/marry again if anything were to happen to husbands. All of the rest of us say we'd rather live alone/with kids. I presume most women just don't feel the need so much after years of domesticity.

Yes and this applies to me too (also in a similar age bracket).

This is a great thread.

I’m in a similar situation. Youngest goes off to uni in September and after that there’s no need to continue putting up with this nonsense. We’re both fed up of each other and he’s threatened to go multiple times in the past 10 years.

We’ve already spoken briefly at the end of the very first lockdown about selling the house, splitting the proceeds and living apart - and it’s come up a couple of times since. Once DD goes, I’ll take him at his word and get it done.

I’m looking forward to being able to plan things - I feel like I can’t make commitments in advance because I don’t know what he’s going to be like on the day. Or what’s going to happen between now and the event. Stupid I know.

And I’m looking forward to not having to walk on eggshells and watching what I say and do all the time so as not to set him off.

I used to think “I’m not putting all this work in on him just to give up and have some other woman benefit from it” but I’ve reached the point where I think anyone else who can put up with his cr@p is welcome to him!

Not long now!

@Didsomeonesaydogs I could have written this part of your post when I was still with XH:

I’m looking forward to being able to plan things - I feel like I can’t make commitments in advance because I don’t know what he’s going to be like on the day. Or what’s going to happen between now and the event. Stupid I know.

And I’m looking forward to not having to walk on eggshells and watching what I say and do all the time so as not to set him off."

....And this part too:

"I used to think “I’m not putting all this work in on him just to give up and have some other woman benefit from it” but I’ve reached the point where I think anyone else who can put up with his cr@p is welcome to him!"

That was the stupid reason that I didn't pull my socks up and just bloody end things before. So stupid of me. I thought, because I'd put in so much time/effort to make things right and get XH sorted., that I should continue and not give up doing it. I was a fool. I should have ended shit 4/5/6 years ago!!

@CrystalCoco I feel exactly the same at 60- a lottery win and I'm off- I've complicated things by working together for years , so now if I go I lose job, home (we rent) etc. I simply don't like the constant compromise involved in marriage and my H is quite a bossy man with a temper. He's also funny, decent looking , good job and I'm sure would be much in demand by others- but as I've got older I find it really wearing and I envy women with placid easy going partners who are a little less opinionated and who don't always set the agenda. He has become very materialistic too and sneery of others and was quite the opposite when we met (it's my 2nd marriage but his first) -

Thank you for understanding TicTac80 -

How long ago was your split? I hope you are happy now you are single and that you have found calmness in your life.

Like you, I probably should have called time on it years ago but I wanted to make sure the kids were old enough to not end up financially disadvantaged because of my choices. I had a very deprived childhood and wouldn’t wish that on my children. I also have no family to support me so had nobody to run to when the kids were younger.

It will be easier now that he is making noises about separating anyway, if he was more resistant this would honestly be a nightmare to navigate. I’m sure it won’t be pretty because he’s very vindictive, and he’ll go out of his way to make my life difficult, but at least the kids won’t be around to get dragged into it.

I’m also looking forward to planting bulbs in my lawn (never been allowed to do that),
Having friends over unannounced for a chat,
And being able to speak on the phone without having to close every internal door in the house!

@Didsomeonesaydogs

I’m also looking forward to planting bulbs in my lawn (never been allowed to do that),
Having friends over unannounced for a chat,
And being able to speak on the phone without having to close every internal door in the house!

Hearing comments like this from other women always really get to me and reinforce (not that I need it at all) why I'm so happy being single. You're not asking for much at all, incredibly little in fact, and you should be enjoying these simple pleasures every day already.

I'm just starting out by separating from my husband, I'm 41 with 2 small DC and not much money, but I can't bloody wait! I literally told him for sure yesterday and he's acted like a total wanker in front of the kids about it, so even more glad I'm leaving. Can't wait until the mess is settled and I have my own place, no matter how tiny 🙂

Good luck @NotReallySure and everyone else planning a split. I found the time in between telling him and moving out, really hard. Took about 6 months. I've now had 6 months living with just DC and OMG its amazing. Wishing you all good things.

How many of the women here are ones who are really happy single, but who don't have children I wonder? Seems like children keep people busy and active, and means they come into contact with others whether they like it or not!

Me! I never had any wish to have kids & my life’s still full, active & sociable without them.