Page 5 | Anyone in their 40s HAPPYLY embracing single life?

Hanswurst · 2022-06-04T00:15:06+00:00

Currently in the process of separating from STBXH of 20 years and have 3 DCs, so I totally get that this might influence my current mood. In addition, STBXH is a high functioning alcoholic and incredibly selfish to boot, so again, this may taint my current perception. But: While I am incredibly heartbroken at times, part of me can not wait to be single! I honestly intend to never, ever live with another adult again, and I can’t even see myself in a meaningful relationship again either, so it’s not about that. I just can’t wait to make my own choices! To live how I want! To chose my own furniture, to chose to have my cat in bed with me, to spend my Sunday mornings drinking coffee and reading the papers in bed on my own… I can’t wait! However - part of me is really terrified that once that time comes I will just be feeling sad and lonely. So I guess that’s why I’m posting this! Please tell me about your happily single life in your 40s (or older!)

AllAloneInThisHouse · 17/06/2022 22:55

EarthSight · 17/06/2022 22:39

How many of the women here are ones who are really happy single, but who don't have children I wonder? Seems like children keep people busy and active, and means they come into contact with others whether they like it or not!

Majority (pretty much all) have kids.

Source: Me an MN, I’ve read pretty mich all these threads, becau I try and find the positives of being single, mostly not by my choice. (I don’t have kids).
Mostly these are very long term/ married women, indeed with kids, who are just happy not to be abused, and/or being able to do and eat and watch what they want, after they’ve had at least for awhile, piece of their ’happy ending’.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 17/06/2022 23:01

Sorry about my spelling, time to go to bed.

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 18/06/2022 02:03

@AllAloneInThisHouse that's not the case for many posters, as you'll know if you have read lots of threads.

Many people are just happy without a man. Lots of us have not been in long marriages etc. some of us have kids, some do not. I think you are drawing some strange conclusions.

sammylady37 · 18/06/2022 02:46

EarthSight · 17/06/2022 22:39

How many of the women here are ones who are really happy single, but who don't have children I wonder? Seems like children keep people busy and active, and means they come into contact with others whether they like it or not!

Me! I never wanted kids and never had any. I still lead a full, active and very happy life.

Thisisit2022 · 18/06/2022 07:22

EarthSight · 17/06/2022 22:39

How many of the women here are ones who are really happy single, but who don't have children I wonder? Seems like children keep people busy and active, and means they come into contact with others whether they like it or not!

My daughter is an adult and really busy with her own life. I do see her but she doesn't "fill up my time" like young children would. I can spend a day doing seemingly nothing (watch TV, paint my nails, read magazine app) but I'M choosing what to do and I love. it.

BeggyMitchell · 18/06/2022 08:42

EarthSight · 17/06/2022 22:39

How many of the women here are ones who are really happy single, but who don't have children I wonder? Seems like children keep people busy and active, and means they come into contact with others whether they like it or not!

I had my DC in my twenties when I was very much in love with their dad.

A lot has changed since then!

And it's worked out as even though I was fairly happy then I am so much happier since splitting - didn't realise at the time how much I was being dictated to, lied to, how my own ambitions were shoved to one side, thought it was just 'life'

I see some people around me settling for certain partners and having babies at the age I am now and I'm soooo bloody glad it's not me.

Occasionally dating is fine and dandy as PPs have said, - I like sex, but I'd rather cut off my own arm than have a man live with me again 24/7.

ChocAuVin · 18/06/2022 08:51

Have just finished reading this thread, mainly grinning. I thought I was the only one

I’m 43, have been divorced for nearly 3 years and to quote another poster, I have “never looked back”. Not for one solitary second — which, after nearly 20 years in the marriage, could be framed as quite sad, but for me the only sad part at a personal level is how many years of emotional and latterly physical abuse I stayed around for, ‘for the children’.

Like others here, turns out being a single parent is easy when you realise you essentially always were anyway — and easier, in fact, given you no longer have to navigate the eggshells of a character-disordered man child or have the daily exhaustion of shielding the kids from the swirling dark moods and general fuckwittery.

I fucking adore being single. I have my own house, live by my own rules; I’m no longer financially abused so I’m starting to actually save some of the money I used to have to hand over to be frittered away each month on utter crap.

My career is going well. My health is good. I have strong friendships and outside interests. I know who I am and I trust myself.

Life is great. I’m not looking for a partner. I’ve had a lovely, healthy and rewarding fling but I value my own space for me and my kids so much.

For me, my marriage ended and my best life really did both begin at 40.

CrapBucket · 18/06/2022 10:34

OMG so well put - the daily exhaustion of shielding the kids from the swirling dark moods - thank you @ChocAuVin

And congratulations on your new life

ChocAuVin · 19/06/2022 14:06

Thank you, @CrapBucket

TicTac80 · 19/06/2022 22:16

Happy Sunday everyone! Currently I’m lying in bed, the DC are in bed. The house is silent and peaceful. The cats are flaked out on my bed.
Me and DC are back from a wonderful weekend, celebrating my cousin’s wedding. It’s perfect. I was able to arrange this weekend away, and there was no fuckwittery (I was always too worried about making plans as I never knew what XH would be like). Laundry is done, and sure the house isn’t spotless but DC and I will catch up with that in the week. I might be a single parent, but weirdly, I have more of a social life now than I did before.

And I totally agree with the comment: “the daily exhaustion of shielding the kids from the swirling dark moods”. This describes it perfectly! So glad I don’t have that shit to contend with any more!!!

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 20/06/2022 02:21

TicTac80 · 16/06/2022 10:53

@Didsomeonesaydogs I could have written this part of your post when I was still with XH:

I’m looking forward to being able to plan things - I feel like I can’t make commitments in advance because I don’t know what he’s going to be like on the day. Or what’s going to happen between now and the event. Stupid I know.

And I’m looking forward to not having to walk on eggshells and watching what I say and do all the time so as not to set him off."

....And this part too:

"I used to think “I’m not putting all this work in on him just to give up and have some other woman benefit from it” but I’ve reached the point where I think anyone else who can put up with his cr@p is welcome to him!"

That was the stupid reason that I didn't pull my socks up and just bloody end things before. So stupid of me. I thought, because I'd put in so much time/effort to make things right and get XH sorted., that I should continue and not give up doing it. I was a fool. I should have ended shit 4/5/6 years ago!!

The sunk costs fallacy! So great that you see it now. Always better to cut your losses, and move on.

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 20/06/2022 02:25

Occasionally dating is fine and dandy as PPs have said, - I like sex, but I'd rather cut off my own arm than have a man live with me again 24/7.

Amen to that!!!

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 20/06/2022 02:27

ChocAuVin · 18/06/2022 08:51

Have just finished reading this thread, mainly grinning. I thought I was the only one

I’m 43, have been divorced for nearly 3 years and to quote another poster, I have “never looked back”. Not for one solitary second — which, after nearly 20 years in the marriage, could be framed as quite sad, but for me the only sad part at a personal level is how many years of emotional and latterly physical abuse I stayed around for, ‘for the children’.

Like others here, turns out being a single parent is easy when you realise you essentially always were anyway — and easier, in fact, given you no longer have to navigate the eggshells of a character-disordered man child or have the daily exhaustion of shielding the kids from the swirling dark moods and general fuckwittery.

I fucking adore being single. I have my own house, live by my own rules; I’m no longer financially abused so I’m starting to actually save some of the money I used to have to hand over to be frittered away each month on utter crap.

My career is going well. My health is good. I have strong friendships and outside interests. I know who I am and I trust myself.

Life is great. I’m not looking for a partner. I’ve had a lovely, healthy and rewarding fling but I value my own space for me and my kids so much.

For me, my marriage ended and my best life really did both begin at 40.

This is just so wonderful. Well done!!!!

TicTac80 · 20/06/2022 17:24

XH messaged me today, saying how sad he felt not being able to be a part of the family events I go to any more and how much he misses it/would have liked to be there (I’d sent him some lovely pics of DD dancing at my cousin’s wedding).

Funny how things change eh? I used to beg him to come with me/join in/not go AWOL so that he COULD be at these lovely family events, but he rarely did come, or did it grudgingly if he did.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 21/06/2022 11:50

This is so relatable.

One of my oldest friends had her 60th birthday party a few months ago. She has terminal cancer and has outlived her prognosis so this milestone birthday was really something to celebrate and a good opportunity for her to see all her friends and relatives together for what might be the last time.

DH was moaning about having to go - even as we were getting ready to leave. I would normally placate him or offer some compromise/sweetener to get him to go but this time I’d had enough of his bleating and just snapped at him “Well don’t go then, I’ll just go on my own. I’m fed up of your whining!”

That did actually shut him up! He knew it would be a bad look not to be there so he came along. I don’t know why I didn’t try this tactic years ago!

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 22/06/2022 02:40

Didsomeonesaydogs · 21/06/2022 11:50

This is so relatable.

One of my oldest friends had her 60th birthday party a few months ago. She has terminal cancer and has outlived her prognosis so this milestone birthday was really something to celebrate and a good opportunity for her to see all her friends and relatives together for what might be the last time.

DH was moaning about having to go - even as we were getting ready to leave. I would normally placate him or offer some compromise/sweetener to get him to go but this time I’d had enough of his bleating and just snapped at him “Well don’t go then, I’ll just go on my own. I’m fed up of your whining!”

That did actually shut him up! He knew it would be a bad look not to be there so he came along. I don’t know why I didn’t try this tactic years ago!

Well done. Call out the miserable arsehole. If you can't behave like an adult instead of a whiny toddler at this age then when will you?

What a joke. Personally I'd bin him off. I can't be bothered with men who behave like children.

Well done for standing up to him. I hope it's taught him a lesson and you have no more of this pathetic behaviour.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/06/2022 06:25

I quite like being single
the things I’ve accomplished without a man have been quite something !

I’m handling however the aftermath with my eldest
I split with ex eventually as was seeing the impact he had on son
who’s really not in a great way and hasn’t attended school for two years

the biggest change is looking at the future and knowing that I have some agency

I do wonder why I didn’t split earlier but , it wasn’t for lack of trying

and lonely ? Not really
too busy !

BouncyBalls · 22/06/2022 08:19

Thank you for posting this thread. Ive been thinking whether to leave for a long time but fear of the unknown has held me back. I know in my heart it will be wonderful like youve all described. Its just putting those words in my mouth and saying them to DH. Weve had conversations before but hes just ignored what ive said in the hopes ill stop. But my gut says i should end things. Hes also a functioning alcoholic (which he doesnt agree with) so its tricky to find the time to talk.