How do you end a game of complaint tennis?

[CornishMade1]

Maybe complaint is an extreme description here but my DP counters literally every request with an example of something I do inadequately. As an example, yesterday my DP swept a pile of breadcrumbs onto the kitchen floor and I asked if he could sweep them into the bin instead. His response was ‘well can you not leave things in the sink’. Another time I asked him not to leave wet towels in the bed - his response was ‘you should keep the bedside table tidier’.

I've tried everything to end this constant volleying including taking his comments on board and fixing them but I’m now at a point where I can’t mention anything without a volley back. I personally don’t feel I’m a particularly lazy person - I work full time, do majority childcare for my DC as well as a huge amount for his DC who stay with us frequently and I genuinely try to do any of the requests he makes. This may seem minor but it’s making me become mute in my own home.
Has anyone else every experienced this and have any advice?

My advice is this, life is much too short for this kind of shit. Cut him loose and be happy.

very small acts of kindness offered and accepted. Escalating back to 'normal'. If his unpleasantness is 'normal' well that's a whole different kettle of fish.

Yup mine is exactly the same. No idea what to do about it.

@StanleyGreen I do agree and I frequently question how much of my life I want to waste with this madness but I can’t leave him because we have a child together. Hence I’m trying to find ways to cope but maybe it’s a shut up or ship out situation.

LTB. Seriously - sweeping crumbs onto the floor !
Wet towel on the bed ?
I wouldn't expect that crap from a child - let alone the attitude

I hear you, OP, that is hugely irritating
Have you sat him down and said something along the lines of "We are a partnership, and it would be nice if you listened when I asked you to do things that improve our life together and helped me out rather than counter-attacking each and every time, and I will do the same"?

I do agree and I frequently question how much of my life I want to waste with this madness but I can’t leave him because we have a child together.

The child should be more of a reason to leave.

@Florabritannica it is a comfort to know it’s not just something I’ve someone created. It’s getting worse and worse. I’m currently in the strategy of ‘just never mention anything and do it all myself’ but I know this is an insane way to live in a relationship.

(Although I agree with pp, you shouldn't have to ask a grown man not to sweep crumbs on the floor and having him whinge back at you about something else would send me round the bend!)

Of course you can leave, although I know it's not easy. Do you want your child to grow up in this horrible atmosphere of him complaining and criticising you every time you make a perfectly reasonable request?

what would happen if you kept volleying as in got back at him with another thing he does (I'd say you have a big list to work through)

But like others have said, life's too short to be with someone unkind, unappreciative and slobby. You are carrying the bigger load in this relationship and he is being a mean bastard.

Tennis is a game played between fairly equally competent consenting adults. This is not tennis you are currently engaged in, it's not equal, you're being attacked and he sounds a bit bats. Plus he has no balls, if he's using your behaviour as a defence.
How many years could you put up with this?
Have you a mortgage? Shared assets?
Your child is a reason to leave tbh.

We are fortunate enough to be able to pay for a significant amount of domestic help. Otherwise it would be unbearable. Like you, I would leave if it were realistically viable.

Tell him to cut the crap and sort out the mess he's made.
If he makes any protestations list all the things you're doing more than him and then tell him to stop acting like a 4 year old and take some responsibility.
Seriously don't stand for this.

@tortiecat I have tried being really calm and rational about it but he will literally just divert to something random he thinks I need to do/not do. It’s literally like a tennis volley whatever I say. I’ve tried being open to these things he counters with but he’s said he has literally a list of 100 things that I do/don’t do but that he doesn’t tell me. The only solution I have currently is to just not say anything and just spend my life picking up pants, replacing loo rolls, putting piles of tissues in the bin. It’s a mad situation though.

My DH will occasionally do this. Usually when he's trying to deflect something!
I usually reply along the lines of pointing out that his comment isn't relevant to the discussion. Or I turn it round and say fair enough to his criticism and return to my point and say, so about this thing I was saying.
Don't let the worm off the hook and don't put up with the game play!

My EX used to do this all the time & I just used to reply with “well this discussion is purely about the breadcrumbs so if you have an issue bring it up separately” bring with someone so defensive & utterly lacking in being able to take things on board gracefully is the most tiring!

@Pallisers this is where I have questioned myself as to whether this is some kind of known tactic/behaviour because it’s completely impossible to counter him because he goes so incredibly random with counters he vollies over. Like for example I asked once if we could put knives in the dishwasher point down because as few times I’ve cut myself on them putting more things in and the instant response was something totally random like ‘well
i think you drive too slowly which is dangerous’. It’s like trying to respond to a riddle. It genuinely is baffling.

This

This and then give him three strikes and he’s out. Explain that’s enough of the volleying and lack of responsibility.

@StarDolphins its genuinely comforting knowing that someone else has experienced this. Defensive is a good description and actually makes more sense. I guess if I could be bothered I would work out why he’s got a defence mechanism like this but life is too short there too. It does help to know this isn’t just me imagining it and that I’m not unreasonable to find this irritating.

Oh god mine used to do something minor after I had worked all day at work and then come in and hoovered and mopped the entire floors downstairs and then go ‘look what I’ve done’ at like emptying the bathroom bin or something - I used to stand and clap slowly and leave a list of my stuff

@LeavesOnTrees ironically I have a 4 year old and he’s a dream in comparison!
He has two older children who I think genuinely think we are both completely mad. It’s them I worry about most. I feel l either expose them to this constant childish back and forth which is embarrassing or they basically witness a subservient woman never daring to point anything out. They now follow suit with lots of his habits which I can deal with as they are teens but it all makes my head spin.

@Dominuse I think that’s probably a route I need to try. Maybe if he sees me less affected by the ‘game’ then he’ll give up.

My husband could have a tendency to be a bit like this - I think it's behaviour learned from his mum.
However, after being a bit bemused the first few times, I then changed my approach in return.

Every time it happened, I would gently remind him that I have politely brought something up to him and that it is a separate issue. I would then discuss whatever he had brought up afterwards, as a separate issue. I did have to also tell him he was being defensive for no reason and that if I say something politely, there's no need for a defensive response.

Sounds really patronising but it was almost like training him out of years of reacting a certain way. For my part, I speak too abruptly without realising it so after being reminded, I am working hard on changing this! (Our relationship sounds hard work from this post but it really isn't:))