How do you end a game of complaint tennis?

[CornishMade1]

Maybe complaint is an extreme description here but my DP counters literally every request with an example of something I do inadequately. As an example, yesterday my DP swept a pile of breadcrumbs onto the kitchen floor and I asked if he could sweep them into the bin instead. His response was ‘well can you not leave things in the sink’. Another time I asked him not to leave wet towels in the bed - his response was ‘you should keep the bedside table tidier’.

I've tried everything to end this constant volleying including taking his comments on board and fixing them but I’m now at a point where I can’t mention anything without a volley back. I personally don’t feel I’m a particularly lazy person - I work full time, do majority childcare for my DC as well as a huge amount for his DC who stay with us frequently and I genuinely try to do any of the requests he makes. This may seem minor but it’s making me become mute in my own home.
Has anyone else every experienced this and have any advice?

He treats his ex badly because he is abusive towards her too. She likely fears him on some level as well. It’s really not better for either you or your child to remain with such a man because he will only continue to drag you both down with him. It’s your choice but to stay because of this better the devil you know scenario is really the wrong one you are making here. Do not put this man still first here before you or your kid.

Thank you so much for those kind words, you brought a tear to my eye!

You are right - being able to recognise what made me this way has been really helpful to both myself and my DH and allowed us to try and sort the issue without too much judgment! It has taken me years to understand/acknowledge why I am this way though.

He does this because he can. He feels entitled to do so and likely feels he is doing nothing wrong here.

He cannot be bothered with his child by you because of how he treats you as his mother so what makes you at all think he’d go for or want his child half the week?. It’s mere supposition on your part. Abusive men often bang on about wanting the kids half the time but that’s only said because they know that one the kids are mums Achilles heel and two they can use the child to further punish the mum for she having the gall in his eyes to leave him. Also they often demand 50% because that will also get him out of paying child maintenance.

Look at how his children are behaving now, their dads behaviour is becoming their norm. The same fate will befall your son by him if you chooses to stay for what are really your own reasons. Having your son in your life everyday whilst you are all living under the same roof will only emotionally harm both your son and you.

Children love their parents anyway no matter how rubbish they actually are. your parents may have gave you all the material stuff but emotionally you are bereft and perhaps still wondering how to deal with any fear, obligation and guilt they left you with.

Have a read too of Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione.

It sounds like he lacks some basic communication skills and is vey defensive probs because he knows but doesn’t know how to face up doing something about it.
I would advise you to read ‘ how to talk so kids will listen’ which will give you the skills to stop this nonsense in its tracks and also give the children and eventually their father better communication skills.
living with him sounds utterly soul destroying. I take my hat off to you for the reasons you give for staying. Training; ruthless, relentless, every day, until it’s done. I did with my three when I left as they were all quicker and smarter than me and I felt overwhelmed, but it totally worked. We got a more peaceful house.

I am certain this man can communicate quite adequately in the outside world.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. This man still wants absolute here over the OP.

God help you OP.

You poor pet.

He is so abusive and controlling.

Start telling friends and family the truth.

Start detaching from him.

Start telling your GP about how emotionally abused and controlled that you feel.

Tell the GP of your fear of leaving.

Talk to Women's aid about options you may have.

Start putting money away too.

You are not married which is good.

You need to start planning quietly.

But telling your friends the truth is critical for you to have support.

Get away from him as much as possible.

I hope your contraception is bullet proof, but how you could stomach sex with him is beyond me.

Putting an end to sex might make him look outside the relationship which would be great for you.

But start planning, confiding, saving and detaching.

Thank you everyone. You have no idea how therapeutic this has been and I promise I’m taking all of this advice on board, across the full spectrum. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

And remember to watch out for a sudden improvement in his behaviour.

Abusive men are very sensitive to their victims pulling away and seemingly questioning the situation.

They then suddenly become lovely to manipulate you.

Keep your eyes open and don't hesitate to post again should you wish to.

the OP said that he works from home and sometimes she can hear him arguing with colleagues in the same inane way and she cringes to hear him .

Instead of telling him not to sweep them onto the floor, hand him the broom and say 'Oh thank you, I was going to sweep later'

ALways think one step ahead, and voice your complaint as an assumption he was helping. Works wonders, as he can hardly complain you've thanked him, doesn't know what to say and thus does the chore you were complaining about..

Needs a bit of thinking how to get round it, eg empty loo roll in hand new one NOT placed on the holder, swipe it off him and say 'Ooh thank you for putting the new loo roll on the holder, I'll take that and pop it in the recycling'

Allow yourself to get angry with him about it, it will give you the right kind of energy to draw the boundary you need for him to listen properly so the next time he does it, snap at him, and make sure you don't let him sidetrack you with his comments about things unrelated to your request.

Shovel, large hole, new patio.

I normally counted with noted, I will try to be a better human 😃 Then extreme whatever he suggested. Like clear the bedside tables completely and "organise" his shit somewhere sensible, but that he can't find whilst feeling inwardly smug.

DH did used to go on about folding the towels in the kitchen and now I twitch too when they are crumpled. So he's trained me.

The thing is you're not playing the same game. He's always playing a competitive game of tennis (to use your analogy) in which every gentle under-arm ball that you throw is seen as a signal for him to smash it back and to win. Or to ignore the ball you sent, to pick up one of his own and to ace it.

In fact that analogy isn't even correct, beause in your approach, you're standing on the same side, throwing a softly inflated beach ball, hoping that he will catch it and hold it own it

You're never going to win the game of tennis (he uses power tactics). And he is unwilling, or unable to see the 'ball' as anything other than something to be smashed out of court.

My BIL (dh's dbro) was like this. He had diagnosed ASD (irrelevant) and stuggled to find a range of emotional / communicative responses. Most communications were dealt with as a battle to be won. Apparently he'd been the same as a child, with the rules of imaginary games being designed to favour his chances of winning. And huge strops if he lost.

His dw struggled for years to find better ways of communicating, to accomodate his feelings. But eventually it was too much and she left. That has been an ongoing battle, which in reality BIL can't really win, but he tries with every tactic - financial withdrawal, not returning dc when he should, trying to involve dc in a battle aganst their Mum

I can understand why people in this situation don't leave. At least the battle about small household tasks is one that can be sidestepped.

I’m currently in the strategy of ‘just never mention anything and do it all myself.

Thats not a strategy OP, that’s giving him exactly what he wants, shutting the fuck up and never challenging his behaviour.

I would say "yes I'll tidy the bedside table as soon as you pick up the wet towels".

Seriously my ex was like this. It is so annoying and childish.

This a hundred times.

Insightful thread… i have experienced a bit of this occasionally. I’ll be having a proper conversation about DHs inability to deal with criticism…

OP I hope you can find a way through this and extricate yourself from this man. I don’t know how you put up with this everyday. The mental gymnastics must be exhausting.

You poor darling.
You don't deserve to be treated like this.
He sounds poisonous in his interactions with so many people.
If you're determined to stay I would be asking him to attend counselling, even if you have to go with him.
Personally I would be planning to leave, even if it takes time.
No one should be afraid to sisal in their own home.
Good luck going forward.

speak not sisal!

Thanks, @boronia. There‘s no way he’d attend counselling as he refuses to ever acknowledge he’s at all at fault. His DC have been requesting family mediation with him for about a year and he simply does what he does with me, counters their request with a list of demands of them.
This thread has really helped because for a long time I’ve thought I’m just over sensitive or being a nag, but hearing other people say they’ve experienced similar or even that other people who find it equally exhausting is very comforting.
one of his DC tried to talk to him about an issue last night and for the first time I saw how he deflects in exactly the same way with them. So knowledge (hopefully) will be power on this one.

It's a horrible defensive strategy to put you off speaking up and either he needs to cut it out or you need to leave. This will grind you down op because you will do as you are already and start not speaking up for what you want. Don't let him do that to you or be a bad example to your child.

I've noticed some men are great at changing the subject in discussions to weaken arguments or to defend themselves.

Sometimes my dh complains about how I have asked him to do something and uses it an excuse to change the subject.

He knows he does this even if he won't always admit it. It's really not much better than what your dh is doing but my dh doesn't do it all the time.

I have called him out on it and just have to stand firm and say very bluntly he is changing the subject and we can talk about what I want now or later but we will be talking about it.

I know it's not ideal either but it's teaching me to be more assertive as I can be quite passive if someone doesn't do something I ask for.

Your dh needs a wakeup call or a dumping. Please don't let him keep getting away with this. You are not in an equal partnership.

Please don't subject your DC growing up thinking this is how relationships function. It's more awful and damaging than you realise.

His DC have asked for mediation and he has refused? Please wake up and end this farce it's either his way or not at all isn't it?

So his own kids have been trying to get him to go to family mediation, it will indeed never happen.

Mediation or joint counselling with him will indeed be a waste of time (as well as not recommended) as he will never admit fault or wrongdoing. In the eyes of the abuser (which he most certainly is) it’s always someone else’s fault, never their own. He will never take any responsibility for his own actions nor even apologise. Please do not therefor attempt to do either with him.

Men like this like women who think they are being assertive and no nonsense with their man as it gives them a further challenge to take down. Counselling for your own self re planning your exit from this relationship and your childhood experience would be helpful to you.