How do you end a game of complaint tennis?

[CornishMade1]

Maybe complaint is an extreme description here but my DP counters literally every request with an example of something I do inadequately. As an example, yesterday my DP swept a pile of breadcrumbs onto the kitchen floor and I asked if he could sweep them into the bin instead. His response was ‘well can you not leave things in the sink’. Another time I asked him not to leave wet towels in the bed - his response was ‘you should keep the bedside table tidier’.

I've tried everything to end this constant volleying including taking his comments on board and fixing them but I’m now at a point where I can’t mention anything without a volley back. I personally don’t feel I’m a particularly lazy person - I work full time, do majority childcare for my DC as well as a huge amount for his DC who stay with us frequently and I genuinely try to do any of the requests he makes. This may seem minor but it’s making me become mute in my own home.
Has anyone else every experienced this and have any advice?

Tell him the current discussion is about the crumbs he’s just put on the f, not whatever random shit he wants to raise-ask him how is this relevant and stick to your original point. Do you really want to be with him?

@Oneforallforone that sounds like a really healthy way of handling it. Your relationship doesn’t sound like hard work - it sounds like you’ve just learnt how to adapt yourselves to be harmonious. I’ll have to give some thought to how I can get some of that balance in my life too:

@Cherrysoup it is a challenging relationship in all honesty and if there was no DC involved I would have run skipping and jumping back to my lovely single life a fair few years ago. But life is complicated and it’s not as easy as doing that so I’m just trying to muddle through. I totally agree that life is too short/you only get one life etc but I can’t leave so just want things to be better instead.

It is defensiveness as he can't handle perceived criticism. How do you think he handles feedback at work?

His objective is to close you down so that you don't raise any issues..seems to be working.

When you raise any issue does his behaviour change, i.e will he go along with your suggestion or just ignore just continue?

The only comment I would make is to note how often you are raising issues, don't sweat the small stuff and try to catch good behaviour.

@Fireflygal that’s an interesting point about his work. He works from home (as do I) so I do hear some of his calls and I do sometimes cringe at the conversations he has with colleagues. I hadn’t really thought about it before but it is quite a similar scenario where he gets shirty if people pull him up on things. So that’s interesting…
Totally agree on the ‘sweating the small things’ bit - I am conscious I don’t want to be moaning about every little thing - which I’m fairly confident I’m not but this thread has helped with a bit tonight as I was starting to think this was more my doing than anything else.
lots of good tips tonight - thank you all!

This needs to be nipped in the bud sharpish, otherwise your DC will grow up learning that this is the way to have conversations, and behave accordingly.

My EX had a myriad of irritating habits and ways to put me down. One of those was to dramatise if I asked him to do anything in or around the house.

Example:
Me - EXDP, would you put your plate in the sink and not leave it on the side table in the living room, please?
EXDP - YES, SIR! Complete with salute.

I repeatedly asked EXDP not to respond like that, however as he revelled in my discomfort, he continued at every opportunity. One of the many reasons I left my EXDP is that my 4 year old DS at the time began answering my requests of him with YES, SIR. Once I left the relationship, it took me a good few months to get my DS out of that habit.

You say you can’t leave because you have a child with him? Of course you can! I promise your child will pick up on this and see this is how a woman is treated. Leave, enjoy your life and freedom and a healthier upbringing for your child. Having seen parents who don’t actually speak for years stay together “for the kids” it’s fucking awful,

This is what I used to do, it was the tip of the iceberg and exhausting in itself trying to keep pulling him back to the matter at hand and not allow myself to get angry and distracted by his return volleys.

I left in the end because of the rest of the iceberg but his inability to accept responsibility like an adult or have a discussion about anything he perceived as negative regarding him was a major contributing factor.

He will be like this with your child in the future. By staying you're showing your DC that's acceptable. There's no way to get anywhere with one of these twatbuckets except to walk away. They think the point of a conversation is to "win" by having the last word/biggest put down.

He needs counseling and you can’t fix him. He had likely not healed from childhood trauma.

You can perhaps find a way to live with him. I’m here for the tips.

OMG yes! I remember saying it's not a competition or that it's not supposed to be a game of tit for tat!

He'd use the term "win" about arguments too, they weren't to be resolved. they were to be won!

My dh often does this. Seems to have a massive stress response to being criticised and expresses it with counter criticism.

However I know from comments from previous exes I can be perceived as critical/nagging.
The best thing I can do in the moment is calmly taking on his criticism, and saying you know if something I do bothers you you can always tell me at the time. Also picking my battles. Making sure I say positive things too. And that I sometimes just leave the house a mess and prioritise rest or fun rather than demanding a clean house first. Trusting him more with decisions, childcare whatever and letting him learn by his own mistakes gets us out of a parent-child dynamic between the two of us. The other thing he does is sulks. The other day I had to remind him that he is an adult and capable of saying I don’t want to do that, instead of going along with it in a sulk or trying to sabotage it. I think he’s probably working through some teenage issues a couple of decades late so I’m hoping he’ll grow out of it 😂. Here for the tips also!

I think this is an insight to his previous relationship ending.

His tactic is working you now act as servant and maid to him and the DSC.

Tell him it's a deal breaker with a therapist if needed. If nothing changes make your plans to leave.

Why are you happy to stay and be treated that way? Why do you want your child to learn that is how relationships work?

If ever my DH has done that I’ve just replied back with ‘it’s not a competition’ which seems to have the desired effect.

Sorry if it's been said already but why don't you just ask him why he always does that? Surely that will shame him into not doing when he knows you have picked up on it

My ex used to do this. When I asked him why, it just set off another volley!!

My ex was his mother's favourite, I think he just grew up thinking he was perfect.

He doesn’t want an equal partner. He wants a slave he can be superior to. Your child is growing up in a very strange environment and learning that you are worth less than their father.
Please value yourself more than this mean bastard does.

My dh slips into this. Like @Oneforallforone

Defensive is a good description and actually makes more sense. I guess if I could be bothered I would work out why he’s got a defence mechanism like this but life is too short there too. It does help to know this isn’t just me imagining it and that I’m not unreasonable to find this irritating.

Hyper critical parent is my guess.

I'd just point it out and make a joke of it, "alright there Elevenerife I know you always have a worse thing I do but what about the crumbs?" Point it out every time.

Did he do this before? Why did you have a child with this twat?

Sorry posted too soon I gently remind him it's not a competition or an attack. I ask him why he's turning a very basic request into a fight or sometimes I'll look around before I ask something and say I can see I've left my jacket out before you use that to turn this into an argument but can you... . He's much better now but still slips into it.
Its an interesting insight into how others deal with this response to perceived criticism. I also used something I learnt from Mumsnet years ago. If he puts a dirty plate on top of the dishwater I say fuck you too. When he says what? I say well you're saying fuck you, I'm more important than you you're my skivvy. That action of leaving your dirty plate on top of instead of putting it in is a physical Fuck You. It was a very powerful image and has worked really well when he slips I just say it jokingly now.

Ask him about his behaviour

is that a good idea to put the crumbs on the floor? He then says you leave things in the sink. So you retort, my actions don’t have a knock on affect for you

is it a good idea to leave wet towels on the bed

of he then retorts with your bedside table is a mess, ask how does that leave the bed wet? My actions don’t have a knock on affect on you

it’s the knock on affect you’re complaining about, so he looks for a fault but is clutching at straws

Its attack as a form of defence.

You give feedback
He retaliate with a complaint
Your response?
" we're talking about you"
Shift it right back to him

Or
" ok, so does that mean you are saying you are going to try to not leave wet towels on the floor"

I am guessing he learnt it as a child and watching adults behave this way. Have you told him how it makes you feel? Do your step kids do it?