DH is a passenger in our marriage. Is it too late for us to change?

[Heli1copter]

Its suddenly hit me in the last few days that DH is a complete passenger when it comes to family things.

He will quite happily organise his own life, work, hobbies etc but does nothing for the family. Take this weekend as an example, I booked a trip away. He wants to go fishing so he's arranged a day of fishing for himself near to where we are staying. He wants to go running while we're away so has planned a route around where we're staying. He has packed for himself. I booked accommodation, organised all activities for family, looked up restaurants and shopping locations, paid for everything so far. Currently packing for myself and DC while he complains about why its taking so long to get ready.

Its like this throughout the year. He organises things for himself but never asks if we want to go out as a family. I am the default family organiser. I am so fed up of it feeling like he's a passenger but I have no idea what to do about it. If I told him how I feel he'd claim he does loads for the DC and around the house and that I'm being unfair and critical of him. If I stopped organising family things we'd never go anywhere.

So fear is holding you back - the fear of what might happen has you stuck in a holding pattern.

But they will notice - they will realise no matter what you to that he is like this. You cant save them from that - only he can.

What you can do is show to them that it isnt how it should be by forcing him to decide

i didn't mean he'd disappear for a year - i actually meant that he'd likely continue to see them every other week (or whatever you agree).

he'll probably revel in being the "fun" parent, that doesn't have to have the schoolwork conversations, or dealing with friendship fallouts etc.

but it'll really be just surface "nice" stuff, and won't strengthen or deepen their relationships.

and by the time he realises he's missed out on that, it might be too late.

in my extended family's similar situation, this realisation has just happened.
one of the DC (the eldest) is keen to reforge that link asap.
the youngest is not, and it's (rightfully) taking a lot of work and patience.

Well I have an opportunity to try out being a single parent as DH will be leaving for a month in July for an overseas work posting. I'm looking forward to some calm returning at home and it'll give me time to process some of the suggestions on the thread and see how the DC cope while he's away.

I suspect he will also initiate the bare minimum of contact with them, which will be a telling sign of what might happen if we didn't stay together.

Before he goes TELL him he is the one to be responsible for keeping in contact with you and the DC because he will be far too busy managing the rest of the mental load.

That way it's all on him clear and explicit and you will find out how invested he is in family life.