DH is a passenger in our marriage. Is it too late for us to change?

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Its suddenly hit me in the last few days that DH is a complete passenger when it comes to family things.

He will quite happily organise his own life, work, hobbies etc but does nothing for the family. Take this weekend as an example, I booked a trip away. He wants to go fishing so he's arranged a day of fishing for himself near to where we are staying. He wants to go running while we're away so has planned a route around where we're staying. He has packed for himself. I booked accommodation, organised all activities for family, looked up restaurants and shopping locations, paid for everything so far. Currently packing for myself and DC while he complains about why its taking so long to get ready.

Its like this throughout the year. He organises things for himself but never asks if we want to go out as a family. I am the default family organiser. I am so fed up of it feeling like he's a passenger but I have no idea what to do about it. If I told him how I feel he'd claim he does loads for the DC and around the house and that I'm being unfair and critical of him. If I stopped organising family things we'd never go anywhere.

Sadly your life would be easier without him.

You would buy in reliable childcare, not have to clear up his mess and get EOW respite. If he wants to do his hobby on his weekends he'll have to pay for childcare - his choice.

He won't go for 50-50.

You make more than he does.

I mean this in a nice way, but could it be that you take over / criticise his efforts, so he has given up?

My OH does this regarding certain things so I just think well, he wants to do that his way so I'll leave him to it.

@angstyaugust22

I was married to a man like this for 18 years. The trouble with the option of telling him what to do is that he never bore the weight of responsibility for organising things - the mental load, so to speak.

This is so true. I've very recently separated from my husband of 18 years when I realised his failure to engage in any sort of family life was not what I wanted in mine. We're still working through navigating separate households and joint parenting and he sent me a message saying he'd transfer money each month for me to buy what our daughter needs - thus absolving himself of any actual responsibility. I shut that one down and said we were each responsible for buying what she needed whilst she was with each of us and messaging the other parent for 50% share. No way am I continuing to carry 100% of the mental load!

I’m honestly honestly not seeing why divorce wouldn’t be better for you. Swapping selfish husband for an au pair sounds like a perfect solution, to be honest.

My dh is like this.

I do stuff without him.

I have a different point of view, I’m wondering if your DH is possibly on the autistic spectrum? A lot of the things he doesn’t do are known as ‘executive functions’ which includes time keeping, organising and delegating among others. It might be that he doesn’t know where to start with things, for example with organising things for the children. I have autism and adhd, and the things that your DH seemingly can’t or won’t do are things I struggle with, especially where to start. I’m not saying that’s an excuse, and he could learn how to do these things with possible help of a therapist.

Our situation sounds really similar actually op.

It's tough.

But DH is always in a fucking foul mood anyway so I prefer to do stuff without him.

I'm another one who wouldn't want 50/50 shared custody.

you'd be way better off with an Au Pair. This is no way to live.

DH and I have had our disagreements about work/kids/balance etc but basically each of us wants to be the one doing the most in the relationship. So the dog needs to go out around 6 every morning. whoever wakes and hears him does it but if we both wake dh will stop me getting out of bed and say "I'll do it". I do that too when he is tired etc. and when we get back into bed the other one says "thanks so much". Life tasks should be shared and you should be appreciated.

This is part of the reason why I am now divorced.

Welcome to being a woman. But it only changes if you say something and re say something when he comes out with gaslighting BS. Sit him down and ask him what has he organised for the children on the holiday.

Oh yes of course it's the well known man doesn't do anything cause woman criticizes. The lazy man's excuse for goodness knows how long.

Given how you are feeling I would go for the nuclear option.
I would sit him down and say calmly that you are thinking of leaving him because you are fed up of doing nearly everything and that he takes little interest in you or your DC.
His response will tell you whether he is willing to change.

Sorry just seen you are worried how you would cope alone.
Stop doing anything for him you really don't need to. So tell him you will no longer buy presents for his side of the family and do it, he has to do it. If it doesn't happen then tough.
Organise things you and the kids will like, do not consider what he would like.
And plan for your divorce when the children are older.

Consider what behaviour you are teaching your children is normal in relationships OP.

It might be hard, you may end up doing it effectively alone while he totally checks out but that is better than your DC growing up seeing you miserable and accommodating him while he doesn't bother. Your DSs will grow up to model his behaviour with their future partners and children and your DDs will grow up to marry men like their father and put up with this for themselves and their DC.

You and your DC deserve better! It would absolutely be healthier and happier for all of you in the near and far future to jettison the crap 'D'H.

Have you clearly discussed with him what better work/life/his hobbies balance you would expect from him for you to feel happier in your marriage and feel it's fairer on you?

I would make a list of what is not fair at the moment for you and talk about it. Try talking not in a blaming way but as a friendly no pressure democratic discussion so he might agree to co-operate in return without starting to be defensive and try to blame you back (like many people do when they get
criticized).

It's best to talk at the right place and at the right time - on the weekend/day off when you are more relaxed, after you had a good sleep and a nice snack/meal so you are both generally happier and not too tired or exhausted to start and continue talking in a positive way.

This.
The relationship sounds like it's not in a great place.
I get why yr worried about leaving as
it will turn yr life upside down it will be a huge pain.I've left a man like this and had to organise it all.

Things like not having yr kids Xmas day every second year are hard. There's no shame in living on your terms in the marriage till it's easier to leave e.g. the kids can fend for themselves overnight.

I left my husband in the end because as well as being useless he was cheating. I knew he was cheating right after our dd was born. I left it till she was 11 months to him though because I knew right after having a baby I would've really struggled to manage a divorce/ moving etc. I did all the child care but sticking with the status quo was more manageable. Also frankly, I wanted my maternity leave. I'm glad I stuck it out till the time was right for me.

Always being in a foul mood is emotionally abusive.

Are you walking on eggshells because of it?

If you are this is a dreadful environment for children to live in.

Thanks everyone. I could hardly sleep last night my brain was whirring so much.

I've tried talking in the past. It hasn't ways been like this but its been gradually getting worse since DC were born. My first mat leave I took a year off and did all the wife/mum stuff while DH life didn't really change. Its been downhill since then even though I went back to work full time for 3 years in between mat leaves and took less time off on second mat leave.

It's best to talk at the right place and at the right time - on the weekend/day off when you are more relaxed

There's never a good time to talk. Weekends are when DH does his hobby the most so he's out all morning/most of the afternoon both days and by the evening I just want to go to bed on my own and sleep undisturbed!

And his hobby is one that involves being out of the house for most of the weekend?!

Oh OP. I am sorry. This is awful. I do think it's worth a proper, calm.converaation but ine in which you lay out v clearly that this isn't sustainable for you. And if he's not willing to.work.with you to change things then the relationship is over.

What seems to happen is a woman does the above. But then the man tells her she is being silly/husterical/controlling etc and if they break up it will be HER fault. This effectively makes the woman feel she can't leave. Don't fall for thay.

How is he even helping you at all - if he is out all weekend??

You are ALREADY doing everything solo, you are already a single parent in all but name. Your career won't stall op, because you are already managing without him. Seriously, he is a dead weight that you are dragging only adding to your jobs/mental space.

What does he do apart from the odd bit of babysitting when you are away, you can pay or ask a family member to do this?

If you are afraid he will wholesale check out, I am sorry to say he already has but uses your home as B&B and somewhere to store his stuff - he isn't contributing anything at all to the family.

If he is constantly in a foul mood, your children must dread seeing him, not welcome the chance to spend time with him.

If you can list ten things that he does, that no one else can do, on here and we can discuss. You are afraid to be on your own, but you are not really registering that you are already are. Entirely on your own. In fact now, the best chance of you not being on your own is getting out of this marriage and relationship for good.

Holy fuckamoly. He is out pretty much all weekend? So he is literally no benefit to your or the dcs life. Book yourself a weekend away, tell him it’s on and he has to stay home, and tell him you’re rethinking the marriage. A husband who’s out nearly all of every weekend isn’t worth keeping.

He's out from 9am to 1pm on a Saturday, and from 7am to around midday on a Sunday. Sometimes he'll leave later on a Sunday and get back later and once a month or so when there's a race he'll be out from say 11am till 4pm on a Saturday. I'm used to this and it doesn't bother me particularly, I do things with DC without him but it is an example of how he does his thing and I do stuff with family (I will arrange to go with DGPs and DC).

If you can list ten things that he does, that no one else can do, on here and we can discuss. You are afraid to be on your own, but you are not really registering that you are already are.

There's not 10 things that he does that noone else can do. There are things he does that mean I can spend time with one DC on their own, like when I take DC8 swimming. When I have to go away for work he does step up and I couldn't get a babysitter for a 5am start or an overnight. No family nearby to cover overnight trips unfortunately. I do appreciate DH doing this, he doesn't complain about stepping up when I have a work trip. But when I'm at home he definitely does much less.

Maybe you should write him a letter setting out all the things you want to say? Since he sounds like the kind of man who, if he feels he's being approached to have "the talk", will stop listening after the first sentence and start mentally planning his self-defence and/or counterattack.