I’m beginning to personally dislike my DD’s DO - what do I do?

[Badbaddog]

They have been together five years and are well-suited and happy. He is clever and can be funny and also extremely kind. He is very, very fair and never lies. But he’s rude - avoids a hug hello, delivers judgement on my ideas with no thought for how it might affect me (he called me ignorant yesterday 😥 because I disagreed with his view on a particular artist), doesn’t pay his share promptly (he has an unbelievable amount of money so he just doesn’t see £20 as worth bothering about), never asks me how I am. I feel hurt but I don’t want to make my DD feel she has to defend either of us to the other. Do I just keep quiet? I’m upset right now but I know I’ll get over it - until the next time..

Title should say DP not DO - sorry 😞

Does she notice him being very rude to you?

He's either rude or autistic from the traits you have described (am also an autistic adult and married to one). Avoiding touch, lack of awareness of somebody else's feelings, etc.

Keep quiet and limit contact or don't take it personally

How old are they?

Doesn’t pay his share of what? And what does promptly mean? He pays after being asked to?

It isn’t rude to avoid a hug, some people don’t want to hug, and that’s fine. He sounds a bit arrogant to call you ignorant, but overall, if that’s his worst crime, I’m not sure he’s a bad guy.

you don't put your dd in the middle - if you must say something then say it directly to him

He doesn't owe you a hug, you know that right? Talking over you is bad, but not hugging isn't.

And you shouldn't tell your DD unless you want to sour your relationship with her, because it's not your place.

It’s not rude to avoid hugs.

Don't hug him, he doesn't like it.
Don't advance him money or offer to pay his share if he's slow to pay back.
Challenge his rudeness - either jokily or calmly but firmly, whatever you think would work best.
Try and appreciate his good points.

It's not for you to try and change him but no need to be a doormat either.

I think you need to split out the rude from the different. For example, I don't hug anyone except my own family and my parents. That's just what is normal to me and I think it's unreasonable to expect hugs of anyone.

But obviously other bits are rude.

With the exception of my small children, I don't hug anyone. It makes me uncomfortable particularly if they are a PIL! That's not rude. Neither is not asking how you are tbf!

It is not rude to avoid hugs. I hate them. Although some of the other things you describe are rude IMO.

Some of what you mentioned is rude behaviour, but if you think he should hug you, you are being massively unreasonable. He has every right to not hug anyone, even you, and people who try to force hugs are just obnoxious.

Not wanting to hug is rude?!

Are you talking about your daughter's boyfriend here?

Wow that’s all good advice, thank you!

DD is socially and emotionally very astute, so yes I think she almost certainly does notice. I think it hurts her but she’s torn between us. He’s socially inept/introverted to the extent that he was very unhappy at school and uni until he could get a job buried in books. He loved lockdown when it was just him, her and the dog for months on end! Having said that, he has many friends who all adore him. He evidently has a truculent relationship with his (very quiet but sweet) parents.

Maybe I’m also worried about her in that relationship???

Yeah, not wanting to do a hug hello is not rude.

When he hurts your feelings be very direct. Eg, I don’t like it when you call me …(insert)….., it makes me feel………(insert)

Ok, I’m happy to pass on the hugs - it’s just what we do as a family, but I agree it shouldn’t be compulsory!

I replied to the ‘ignorant’ comment with ‘right back at you, X’. I’m no doormat.

i can’t imagine a conversation between us on this - he is terribly English in that ‘excruciatingly embarrassed about feelings’ way. But I don’t think it’s right to say anything to my DD or her siblings either.

My instant thought was autistic. Also, avoiding a hug is not rude.

Although I’m a bit worried that I’ll look rude not hugging him as the partners of the other two DC are very huggy! Perhaps I’ll just stop hugging any of them.

Do you think that the OP has now got the message that it's not rude to want to avoid a hug? Or do we need to keep hammering home that point?

OP, he sounds like an insufferable prick. You're right to call him out on rudeness every single time as you are doing.

I don’t hug people either, because I’m allowed to decide who gets in my personal space and who doesn’t, just like he does. Bizarre thing to complain about.

Just hug the people who enjoy them-that’s easy.

What do you mean he doesn’t pay for things-can you give examples?

This 👆

Don’t lend him any more money.

The rest of it I think you should just leave. He’s obviously not someone you’d choose to spend time with if he wasn’t DD’s partner, but that can’t be helped. (I’m assuming here that the rudeness is just him being very direct, rather than abusive.) He’s not going to change his personality so what can you do? Try to rub along together or else see DD without him. It’s lovely to imagine a close relationship with ones SIL but I don’t think that many people achieve it.