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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I’m beginning to personally dislike my DD’s DO - what do I do?

110 replies

Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 18:14

They have been together five years and are well-suited and happy. He is clever and can be funny and also extremely kind. He is very, very fair and never lies. But he’s rude - avoids a hug hello, delivers judgement on my ideas with no thought for how it might affect me (he called me ignorant yesterday 😥 because I disagreed with his view on a particular artist), doesn’t pay his share promptly (he has an unbelievable amount of money so he just doesn’t see £20 as worth bothering about), never asks me how I am. I feel hurt but I don’t want to make my DD feel she has to defend either of us to the other. Do I just keep quiet? I’m upset right now but I know I’ll get over it - until the next time..

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 30/05/2022 19:48

I used peripheral. It actually wasn't meant unkindly- just a reminder that his core relationship is with your daughter.

He clearly has overstepped your boundaries (not paying) and you have overstepped his (hugging). Maybe you could have a straightforward discussion about both things with him?

But commenting on his relationship with his parents when you haven't met them and know little about him/them seems quite unfair.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 30/05/2022 19:49

They don’t share finances so the debt is his, not theirs.

Well they must to a degree. How do they pay bills etc

CandleSchtick · 30/05/2022 19:58

Oops. Sorry about the hug post. Should have read further.

SausageinaBun · 30/05/2022 20:10

Does he actually want to be on holiday with you or at events with the wider family?

I am reminded of my DH, who isn't actually rude to my family, but has close to zero interest in them and doesn't appreciate having his precious free time taken up by them, particularly when there's also travel involved.

My DM likes to tell herself and me that my DH is "on the spectrum" to explain his lack of interest in my family. He isn't, he has no traits that would lead you to that conclusion.

HairyBum · 30/05/2022 20:14

Just ask him straight after the meal if he would prefer to pay you by cash or card. If he says card ask him if he would like to pay the restaurant when you pay for the others or if he would like to deposit the cash in your account. If it’s the latter you can give him your bank details and prompt him to pay via text. Just remind him if he owes you cash.

MountainClimber22 · 30/05/2022 20:50

Do you think he could have autism? Doesn't matter if he does or doesn't obviously, it just might explain some of his behaviour. I hate hugs!

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 30/05/2022 21:13

bellac11 · 30/05/2022 19:31

He sounds as if he is autistic but I wouldnt force him to hug anyone and I also wouldnt use strategies like 'right back at you' when he says something like Ignorant

Thats just being tit for tat and doesnt go anywhere to teach someone who might not understand that its hurtful to be called that, its better to say something like 'thats quite a strong word for a disagreement of preferences'.

I don’t think it’s up to the OP to teach him anything tbh

Can we stop all that nonsense about women acting towards men as if they were their mother? This guy might be autistic or he might not. It’s not up to the OP to 1- diagnose him and 2- put a strategy in place to help him not being rude.
He is an adult and should be treated as such.

bellac11 · 30/05/2022 21:15

I dont mean teach like she is teaching him social skills, I mean teach him what is hurtful to her.

Being rude back is not acting like an adult, a lot of the suggestions here are not acting like adults such as 'shame and name on watsapp'

Simply say, I need 40 quid for the meal please, or better still just pay your own share and everyone pay theirs at the meal, split the bill.

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 30/05/2022 21:16

@SausageinaBun why is your DH still going on those holidays if he hates them so much?
In my book, either you politely decline and do something else. Or you go and you are nice and polite to the people around you, even if you have no interest in them.

SausageinaBun · 30/05/2022 21:24

@SantiMakesMeLaugh he doesn't go to many of my family events now, maybe once ir twice a year. But my family find that weird too. I used to get a lot of snide comments from my grandmother about him not going. A lot of my family are very family focused and think you marry into a whole family, not just the individual. We make excuses, but they do wear a bit thin, particularly when the underlying message is "he just has no interest in you".

whyohehy · 30/05/2022 21:25

Ekkk I would be uncomfortable if my in-laws tried to hug me. I don't have autism either - it would just make me feel weird. I don't particularly mind hugging people either. So I agree with others that you can't judge on that one. On the other items it just sounds like he is comfortable with you and so happy to be relaxed when he speaks to you.

SpeedofaSloth · 30/05/2022 21:46

Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 18:40

Although I’m a bit worried that I’ll look rude not hugging him as the partners of the other two DC are very huggy! Perhaps I’ll just stop hugging any of them.

Just stop trying to hug the poor bloke, really. He clearly doesn't want to, neither would I, it isn't so unusual.

Borrowmydoggy · 30/05/2022 22:40

They don’t share finances so the debt is his, not theirs.

But you don't have an individual relationship with him? He's there because he's part of a couple, with your DD.

He's 30, he's been with your DD for 5 years - they presumably live together or at least have a significant joint expenditure. So they must have some kind of arrangement with which money is exchanged.

If I was your DD and you chased up my DP individually rather than me for what you perceived to be his £30 share after a meal out, I'd be pretty annoyed and embarrassed.

Same as if you were trying to hug him when he didn't want to be hugged.

Original poster

Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 23:04

Thanks for all the input, some very useful insights re autism etc. He’s not a prick, and I’m not a perv. But we are very different people and I shall tread very carefully around him from now on. Lesson learned.

I’ll sign off now.

OP posts:

Cranefliesthinkthecarroofiswater · 31/05/2022 10:08

AngelinaFibres · 30/05/2022 19:22

It's called boarding school syndrome.Google it. It's very interesting and explains an awful lot

Show quote history

It's kind of you to tell me this, thank you. Boarding school syndrome is something I've been working on for a good few years now and I'm finally getting through the thicker layers of it all.

Honeyroar · 31/05/2022 10:19

Why cant your daughter pay their portion of the bill? Or do you all pay individually? Why is she not pulling him up for not paying? Do you actually say “it’s £x each?” Perhaps he assumes it’s a gift if you don’t? Or do the others pay you in front of him and he ignores it?

Original poster

Badbaddog · 31/05/2022 10:39

Popped back to clarify: we use Splitwise with each person individually accountable, it’s not by couple as not everyone is in a couple. It’s a great app for trips etc as over time each person ends up paying about the same level of bills, so the balances between people are low on final settlement. It’s less good for one-offs, especially when people take different lengths of time to settle up, and some need reminding (which you do via the app, no naming and shaming).

Also to clarify: I’ve never ‘grabbed him for a hug’ (gross!), I can read situations pretty well and spot him holding back when we’re all greeting each other (it’s not just me he avoids). That is absolutely his prerogative. And it’s my prerogative to have feelings about things. I said straight up I’m just beginning to dislike him a bit; I’m not starting to think he’s a bad person. One can dislike a good person if they’re just not your cup of tea. He has many excellent qualities, which I listed at the start.

OP posts:

gingercat02 · 31/05/2022 10:50

I've been with DH for over 25 years and my in-laws are very much that.

They are DH and DS family not mine. I have never hugged any of them. I like them all some more than others. I am a hugger generally but they aren't as a family so we don't.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/05/2022 10:52

we use Splitwise with each person individually accountable, it’s not by couple as not everyone is in a couple. It’s a great app for trips etc as over time each person ends up paying about the same level of bills, so the balances between people are low on final settlement. It’s less good for one-offs, especially when people take different lengths of time to settle up, and some need reminding (which you do via the app, no naming and shaming).

So, is he ignoring notifications from this app and refusing to pay?

luckylavender · 31/05/2022 10:59

Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 18:53

Yeah, I do indeed get the point about hugs people!

When we do holidays or events all together, I tend to pay the bills in restaurants etc then we split it all equally. He just doesn’t pay ( the others do, and they earn way less than him).

Stop paying the bills on restaurants. Split it at the time. It's quite controlling. I wouldn't like that either. Stop organising & paying for all the events too. And you don't have to do everything together.

Original poster

Badbaddog · 31/05/2022 11:08

luckylavender · 31/05/2022 10:59

Show quote history

I tend to pay as the only other person who has enough credit for big bills is X. We could split at the time but it’s a faff when there are 7 of you.

Controlling? Great MN comment there - abuse around every corner…

obviously we don’t do everything together 😂 but there have been a run of family events this year. The DDs love these gatherings as they are very close to each other and me, but it’s trickier when their partners are there and tbh I enjoy it less. Once this run of events is over I shall happily dial it back.

OP posts:

MissyB1 · 31/05/2022 11:38

Eurrgh he sounds like a bit of a twat! Can't say I would be trilled about having him in the family circle, but unfortunately we cant choose our kids partners.

Why are posters saying OP's dd should pick up his share of the bill? She clearly doesnt want to or she would have done it before, he needs to pay for himself! I would be so embarrased if my dh was behaving like that. I wonder if Op's dd cringes everytime he bums a free meal. I would call him out in front of everyone.

As for his patronising comments "ignorant" because you don't share his tastes?! Just tell him staright "Oh no are you horribly shocked that not everyone agrees with you? Never mind I'm sure you can cope!"

As a pp said it's not for OP to diagnose him or employ special strategies. He's a grown adult and needs to be treated with the same basic expectations of behaiour as other adults.

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 11:38

@Badbaddog yes there does come a point when the expense and time organising a big family gathering outweighs the benefits. I'm at that stage with our extended family holidays and I doubt it will happen next year.

Honeyroar · 31/05/2022 12:07

Thanks for answering my question. Splitwise sounds useful. I’d ask your daughter to give him a nudge next time he doesn’t pay!

rookiemere · 31/05/2022 12:11

Splitwise is great- particularly on a group holiday. But yes he's not paying up so I'd be nagging your DD about it.

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