I’m beginning to personally dislike my DD’s DO - what do I do?

[Badbaddog]

They have been together five years and are well-suited and happy. He is clever and can be funny and also extremely kind. He is very, very fair and never lies. But he’s rude - avoids a hug hello, delivers judgement on my ideas with no thought for how it might affect me (he called me ignorant yesterday 😥 because I disagreed with his view on a particular artist), doesn’t pay his share promptly (he has an unbelievable amount of money so he just doesn’t see £20 as worth bothering about), never asks me how I am. I feel hurt but I don’t want to make my DD feel she has to defend either of us to the other. Do I just keep quiet? I’m upset right now but I know I’ll get over it - until the next time..

No, this is down to him, she’s not his keeper. I’m not going to embarrass her as well as him. Men need to take responsibility for themselves, not let the woman take it on their behalf.

Keep quiet and rise above it in your head. If you say anything, you could very well live to regret it.

I did that in my marriage and the rudeness just gets worse over time. I won’t be a coward again.

Then call him out on it (privately)

Oi... You owe me £x for the meal the other night. Can you pay up please?

He calls you ignorant? You tell him that's rude.

Yes to the first. Abd re the second, yes I will be more explicit in my reaction. That’s why this thread has been so useful to me - I have formulated a fiendish plan so I won’t fumble my reaction again.

I'm not surprised at the amount of autism diagnoses this man has got from such minimal information. It's commonplace here. I wonder why though? Why are people so keen to take a man's worst attributes and slap a label on him?

Have you considered maybe your communication style doesn’t suit him? I’d boak at compulsory hugs hello and goodbye. Maybe that’s why he called you ignorant because you can’t see beyond your own opinions or experience? That doesn’t mean either of you are right or wrong just you have different communication styles and don’t understand/respect or like one another.

I’m wondering if to him it sounds like you talk in code, you don’t have to be neurodivergent to find that some people speak in a different language while claiming it’s English, especially when it comes to things like common practices and traditions.

Have you said to him “where’s your share?” When looking for money back or do you wait for him to offer? Some people for whatever reason won’t offer. My ex was so awkward around money that he’d never offer but willingly and happily paid up if you said you owe £20. We’ve been friends for 30 years and I still have to say to him where’s your share. It’s never given grudgingly but he’s ridiculously awkward and shy even with me about things like that.

In the end your daughter likes him. You don’t have to.

It’s a way of ‘excusing’ poor, primarily male, behaviour, MN does it a lot I agree, just like the suggestions that my DD is responsible for her partner’s poor behaviour. Anything rather than hold a man fully responsible eh?

Nonetheless I am going to read up a bit to see if it helps me avoid developing a dislike of X. I know and understand already that he is an introvert and very ‘English’, so very different from me.

OP I suggested you let your DD know about the lack of payment not just because she could encourage him to pay, but also because not paying your debts promptly is a big character flaw that I'd want to be aware of in a DP.

Just read your OP.

YABU about him avoiding hugs. No one should accept contact they don't want and you are being out of order to moan about it.

what do you mean by "very English"?

Don't be silly.

Please carry on reading, if you can bear to! These points are addressed.

I don’t disagree with any of this except, if we do settle into a dislike of each other, that will make my DD very sad, and will likely reduce the time she and I spend together. So X and I not liking each other does matter. This happened to me with my XH and my DM, and i bitterly regret the situation developing as I spent many lonely years without her support as things unravelled with him, and I know she missed me terribly too.

Apologies. I always forget to check how long the thread is before I answer.

It's a completely different situation you describe. This man is your daughter's choice of partner, not yours. You risk losing the relationship you have with your daughter, if you say something to her partner.

Re the bill paying, are things being split fairly or is it one of those we'll just split the whole bill by 7, and some have been tanking the alcohol and ordering steak while others having water and a burger? It's only 7 people, don't see why people can't just pay for what they have?

Mentioning his non payment to your daughter doesn't have to be a case of making it her responsibility - if he's the kind of 'English' that finds taking about money distasteful, you can use your less 'uptight' relationship with your daughter to ask if there's a reason he doesn't pay promptly without any expectation that she will cover his share.

The hug part was an odd thing to add, no one is rude for not hugging/touching if they don’t want to.

Do you talk about yourself a lot?
Maybe that’s why he doesn’t ask how you are. Cause you’re going to tell anyway.

Do you think your dd was affected by the relationship between you and your ex? What she saw growing up may well be having an effect on what she expects from her own partner.

OP i think maybe you are making excuses for him, in trying not to dislike him.
i've done that sort of thing myself, trying to argue myself out of my first reactions, which later proved to be correct.
you say he is very fair, but howso if he doesn't pay his way. that sounds utterly self-centred. and thoughtless, inconsiderate.
and calling you ignorant, that is not on. it is highly insulting.
did you daughter hear it.
i wouldn't want to keep company with someone who has such little respect for other people, let alone my beloved family.
presumably he holds down a job; he should know better.
he must know better;
he just doesn't care.

I’ve answered the hug thing over and over and over on this thread. Nothing more to say.

i wouldn’t say I talk about myself much at all, no. If people ask how I am I just say ‘fine thanks’, like we all do. But it’s polite to ask isn’t it? I’m of the opinion that if people don’t ask questions, it’s because they don’t want answers. Ie, they don’t give a shit if I - or anyone else - is fine at all!

If he doesn’t like hugs then don’t hug him. It doesn’t change how you can behave with anyone else…this is making something out of nothing.

I would rather step out into traffic than have someone touch me (an exaggeration but I have had a panic attack because someone tried to hug me) and people just learn not to do it…that doesn’t mean they can’t hug anyone in my direct vicinity

Surely this is a troll post…

Sorry but I disagre.

Many posters have told the OP she needs to be clearer, that she needs to tell him he owns he money etc…
Why is it that no one is also saying that HE needs to be clearer to very politely tell the OP isnt comfortable with hugs? But instead everyone is expecting her just ‘know’ and even worse that she is ignorant because she can’t read his mind….

Also regardless of the POSSIBILITY a he is ND, speaking to someone like this is rude. Being ND doesn’t give you a free pass and it’s totally ok to expect ND people to be polite. Calling someone ignorant because you dint have the same pov IS rude. No ds us si on about whether it’s because the OP has done X or Y. You might have thought that in your head but you don’t say yet.

Okey, to the ’how are you’ let me offer an other view: some people see that it’s a useless pleasantry.
If all you get the ’fine,thanks’ be it true or not, then what is the point?