I’m beginning to personally dislike my DD’s DO - what do I do?

[Badbaddog]

They have been together five years and are well-suited and happy. He is clever and can be funny and also extremely kind. He is very, very fair and never lies. But he’s rude - avoids a hug hello, delivers judgement on my ideas with no thought for how it might affect me (he called me ignorant yesterday 😥 because I disagreed with his view on a particular artist), doesn’t pay his share promptly (he has an unbelievable amount of money so he just doesn’t see £20 as worth bothering about), never asks me how I am. I feel hurt but I don’t want to make my DD feel she has to defend either of us to the other. Do I just keep quiet? I’m upset right now but I know I’ll get over it - until the next time..

You don’t need to say you don’t want to hug. Op clearly knows that without him saying.

In regards to paying, that is a dick move, one of sils best friends used to do this. Dbro ended up paying to make up the difference. In the end it was my mum that said something at a group meal a simple ‘X you have put your portion in’ and it didn’t happen again.

He has repeatedly displaying this behaviour and isn’t going to change. If op wants it to change she needs to do something. Either that or it carries on.

the ignorant thing completely depends. I am ignorant about art. I wouldn’t be offended if someone pointed out. Being ignorant about subject is different to being ignorant. But since you threw the same insult back, I would let that go over my head.

I would choose my battles, pick up what I absolutely couldn’t ignore. Ignore the rest.

Not sure what him enjoying lockdown has to do with much. Doesn’t sound like he isolating your dd. He just enjoys a quiet life.

Rude. No it’s not. Are you a troll by any chance?

If he's 30 and there are no grandchildren, it seems bizarre that family holidays are even a thing? Why are you arranging family holidays if you're not that keen on him? Let them do their own thing.

The money thing is rude but may be down to differences in wealth - you do need to be direct in just asking for it upfront.

You sound like hard work as MIL though, OP. Your comments about "ripping his balls off".... if he did cheat that's your DD's business to handle, not yours. Your job is to support her not interfere in her romantic relationships

@YukoandHiro My DDs want the family holidays so I oblige, im less and less keen to be honest and will be winding it down after this year.

he is hugely wealthier than me.

if your DD was hurt really badly by someone, would your emotional reaction be ‘ho hum, not my problem’? Seriously? If so, you sound like a pretty useless parent. Ir maybe not a parent at all. Of course I wouldn’t really rip his balls off! My point was about someone basically suggesting that it’s only if a man behaves really really badly that there’s a problem.

so much internalised misogyny on MN.

@YukoandHiro why is it not ok to have family holidays with your parents when you are 30yo?

Is there an age at which you just stop spending several days with your own parents?
If it works for the Op and her dds, why not?

@Badbaddog I’ll be honest if you have such a bad vibe from her, and you know he has hurt your dd in the past, then one thing I would NOT do is reduce the family hols.
Because that would be a nice way for him to out a distance between you two and your dd might well need some support later on.

This is a very good point He’s never hurt her to my knowledge but I do wonder whether the vibe im getting is my gut feel that he will, once he’s isolated her. Who knows? So I want to keep all lines of communication open and have a watching brief, but I think the full-on family trips etc is not the way to do this any longer. Plus I don’t enjoy them as much any more anyway.

Keep hugging the huggy!

Why would it be be seen as rude not to hug someone who didn't want a hug. It's not rude at all to modify to a situation and act accordingly to what people prefer.

I completely agree with this. This would describe my brother to a T and he’s autistic.

it sounds like he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your DD. Probably to then isolate her from everyone