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Original poster

I’m beginning to personally dislike my DD’s DO - what do I do?

110 replies

Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 18:14

They have been together five years and are well-suited and happy. He is clever and can be funny and also extremely kind. He is very, very fair and never lies. But he’s rude - avoids a hug hello, delivers judgement on my ideas with no thought for how it might affect me (he called me ignorant yesterday 😥 because I disagreed with his view on a particular artist), doesn’t pay his share promptly (he has an unbelievable amount of money so he just doesn’t see £20 as worth bothering about), never asks me how I am. I feel hurt but I don’t want to make my DD feel she has to defend either of us to the other. Do I just keep quiet? I’m upset right now but I know I’ll get over it - until the next time..

OP posts:
butterflyflutterby123 · 30/05/2022 18:49

Porcupineintherough · 30/05/2022 18:24

Don't hug him, he doesn't like it.
Don't advance him money or offer to pay his share if he's slow to pay back.
Challenge his rudeness - either jokily or calmly but firmly, whatever you think would work best.
Try and appreciate his good points.

It's not for you to try and change him but no need to be a doormat either.

Whoops. meant to reply to

Handyweatherstation · 30/05/2022 18:50

I know a few people like that, both men and women. Many of them were sent to boarding school pretty early and they all share similar traits - that 'terribly English' air, lack of hugs, not much laughter, acting superior. This isn't criticism as I'm aware of it from being sent fairly early myself and know how massively uptight I used to be.

Georgyporky · 30/05/2022 18:52

Sounds as if he's on the spectrum, rather than a nasty, rude prick.

Original poster
Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 18:53

Yeah, I do indeed get the point about hugs people!

When we do holidays or events all together, I tend to pay the bills in restaurants etc then we split it all equally. He just doesn’t pay ( the others do, and they earn way less than him).

OP posts:
Hopeful16 · 30/05/2022 18:57

I have friends who earn much more than me and sometimes they seem not to pay as they too think, "it was only £X". In the end I ask them for it directly as that amount does make a difference to me.
Perhaps it's just part of his social unawareness rather than being tight.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2022 18:58

Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 18:40

Although I’m a bit worried that I’ll look rude not hugging him as the partners of the other two DC are very huggy! Perhaps I’ll just stop hugging any of them.

No! Don't hug him, but continue to hug those who do like it. Why should they lose that connection?

As to the rest, in my wider family he'd get a sharp "Don't be so fucking rude!" for calling you ignorant, and a "Don't be so fucking tight!" for being lackadaisical about paying his share.

Notonthestairs · 30/05/2022 18:59

You are not in a position to judge his relationship with his parents. Just because you think they are quiet and sweet doesn't mean their relationship isn't complex.

Stop paying and suggest you all put in what you owe at the time.

Unless you see something more significant than dodging your hugs leave them to it.
He's not in a relationship with you - I'm afraid you are a bit peripheral.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2022 19:01

Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 18:53

Yeah, I do indeed get the point about hugs people!

When we do holidays or events all together, I tend to pay the bills in restaurants etc then we split it all equally. He just doesn’t pay ( the others do, and they earn way less than him).

Paying - be blunt!

"Derek, I need £45 off you to cover your share so get your wallet out now."

And I would definitely raise this one matter with your daughter. He doesn't get to be subsidised by people with less money than him. That's appalling behaviour on his part.

Cheesepleeze · 30/05/2022 19:07

Another vote here for sounds autistic. It’s incredibly easy to go undiagnosed because so many people still think that autism presents a certain way.

Borrowmydoggy · 30/05/2022 19:11

Hang on, they've been together 5 years?

In that case I find it quite odd that you go out for dinner, pay the bill, and perceive that he as an individual owes you his share. Would not they owe you money as a couple for their share, with your DD as your primary contact point for them as a couple? If it's expected that the bill will be split, why are you not saying to DD at the time or beforehand, I'll pay but please can you transfer me later the money for you and Dave? And presume she sorts it out with Dave however they do money in their relationship.

I can't imagine going out for dinner with my parents, as an adult in a 5 year relationship, and my Mum approaching my partner individually for his share of the bill. That would be very odd.

Regularmumnetter · 30/05/2022 19:18

In the nicest way possible you need to get over it this is ridiculous 😂. The money is understandable but he doesn’t hug you hello or ask you how you are is not. I personally hate hugging anyone even my own family and if someone got upset that was an adult about me not hugging them I would not be seeing them again. Can’t believe another poster calling him an insufferable prick because he won’t hug you or check on your needs 😂. If he starts stealing your money or cheating on your DD then you should start complaining.

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 30/05/2022 19:20

Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 18:53

Yeah, I do indeed get the point about hugs people!

When we do holidays or events all together, I tend to pay the bills in restaurants etc then we split it all equally. He just doesn’t pay ( the others do, and they earn way less than him).

ASK

Just ask. If he is that socially inept, he will need to be told very clearly.
You can do that Wo being aggressive p, judgemental. A simple reminder is enough.

AngelinaFibres · 30/05/2022 19:22

Handyweatherstation · 30/05/2022 18:50

I know a few people like that, both men and women. Many of them were sent to boarding school pretty early and they all share similar traits - that 'terribly English' air, lack of hugs, not much laughter, acting superior. This isn't criticism as I'm aware of it from being sent fairly early myself and know how massively uptight I used to be.

It's called boarding school syndrome.Google it. It's very interesting and explains an awful lot

pixie5121 · 30/05/2022 19:22

He sounds fine to me, if a bit oblivious. It's not up to you to have an opinion on him, really. If he treats your daughter well and she likes him, isn't that OK? You don't have to be best mates. Lots of truly awful men out there.

eurochick · 30/05/2022 19:23

My (lovely) in-laws are huggers. My family are not. After about 15 years together they got the message that I didn't like being hugged!

rookiemere · 30/05/2022 19:24

I don't get the restaurant thing either. In that scenario I would assume that he and DD are one social unit so ask DD to pay for both of them and get her to get her share back, rather than you having to get money back from him.

Original poster
Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 19:24

They don’t share finances so the debt is his, not theirs.

My judgement of his parents is based on what DD and her siblings have told me - I’ve not met them.

Thanks all for the insights. I think spectrum/being posh snd English are the issues for the most part. I shall read up about it some more, not offer a hello or goodbye hug to him, and keep a close eye on his treatment of her. We have an event coming up which I’ve paid the deposit for. I’ll see that event through on the usual basis, then bow out of picking up bills. And of shared holidays. To be honest I think it’s overdue!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 30/05/2022 19:26

Cross post on the bill payment.
Could you use an app like splitwise so it's obvious who hasn't paid their share. I know you said his finances are separate from your DDs but I'd be embarrassed to discover my BF was mooching off my DM.

Original poster
Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 19:28

Regularmumnetter · 30/05/2022 19:18

In the nicest way possible you need to get over it this is ridiculous 😂. The money is understandable but he doesn’t hug you hello or ask you how you are is not. I personally hate hugging anyone even my own family and if someone got upset that was an adult about me not hugging them I would not be seeing them again. Can’t believe another poster calling him an insufferable prick because he won’t hug you or check on your needs 😂. If he starts stealing your money or cheating on your DD then you should start complaining.

With respect I think your bar is low. No hugs, fine. Not being polite — not fine. It’s polite to acknowledge your partner’s parent isn’t it? Stealing or cheating on my daughter - I’d rip his balls iff 😂

OP posts:
Cas112 · 30/05/2022 19:28

He doesn't have to hug you!

bellac11 · 30/05/2022 19:31

He sounds as if he is autistic but I wouldnt force him to hug anyone and I also wouldnt use strategies like 'right back at you' when he says something like Ignorant

Thats just being tit for tat and doesnt go anywhere to teach someone who might not understand that its hurtful to be called that, its better to say something like 'thats quite a strong word for a disagreement of preferences'.

Bobbins36 · 30/05/2022 19:32

Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 18:53

Yeah, I do indeed get the point about hugs people!

When we do holidays or events all together, I tend to pay the bills in restaurants etc then we split it all equally. He just doesn’t pay ( the others do, and they earn way less than him).

That unpaid debt would be not too subtly reminded/asked for on any family/group WhatsApp - name and shame!

orangeisthenewpuce · 30/05/2022 19:33

OP I hate hugs too unless with close family or v close friends.

Original poster
Badbaddog · 30/05/2022 19:43

I promise not to hug any of you, honest! 😂

i wasn’t being tit for tat with ‘right back at you’. I was hurt and had the urge to respond in a way that showed that - it was just something that came into my head. I am human even if I am a ‘peripheral’ person as a PP so charmingly put it. A peripheral person who dog sits for him and pays his bills 🤨. He’s 30, not a teenager.

Anyway, I shall treat him differently from now on abd see what happens. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
CandleSchtick · 30/05/2022 19:46

But he’s rude - avoids a hug hello

That's not rude, some people don't like hugs from non-relatives. I naturally hug my children and my husband. I don't even hug my brother. We weren't brought up to hug people. Perfectly good relationships, but feels a bit weird people coming in for a hug. I'm a hug dodger. Only happens if I really can't avoid it.