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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Breaking up 2 days after moving in…

112 replies

Alicebee95 · 30/05/2022 15:30

Hello,
I’ll try and put this in a nutshell.
I have just moved in with my partner, he owns the house already (bought it before we met) and I have moved 50 miles away from home to be able to live with him. We’ve been together almost a year, and up until now I have been coming to stay with him every weekend as I work Monday - Friday.
I got a new job here which I am supposed to start tomorrow.
We have had an argument in which he’s told me he doesn’t want to live with me, in fact he’s starting to resent me and we just don’t work according to him. He’s also said I should see if I can get my previous job back and move back in with my parents back home.
Not sure why he has waited until now to let me know he feels like this.
Anyway, I am just looking for advice on what to do now? If he doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t want to live with me then I’d have no choice but to go back to my parents, but getting my previous job back is out of the question as I’ve already been replaced as of today. So I would be moving back to be unemployed, as well as letting down my new job.
Do I ask him to work on things with me? I just feel so angry and upset and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m now trapped I would have already been out the door after the things he’s said.
I suppose I’m just posting for some advice from strangers who don’t know either of us, and to see if anyone else has been through something similar and how it ended up working out.
Thank you xxx

OP posts:
Onemoresleeptogonow · 30/05/2022 15:31

Gather up your belongings and self respect just leave. Then block him.

40andlols · 30/05/2022 15:32

bloody hell what a nightmare Flowers

would I try to work on things with someone who'd let me be in such a vulnerable position? no, absolutely not.

KyaClark · 30/05/2022 15:33

Even if you do work it out this time, you'll always have this threat hanging over you. Is that how you want to live your life?

50 miles is doable as a commute short term. Leave now. Go to your parents. Commute until you find something closer. Don't look back.

youlightupmyday · 30/05/2022 15:33

Pack your bags. What's the new job like? Any potential?

Justmuddlingalong · 30/05/2022 15:37

Pack up your belongings, dignity and self esteem. Do whatever it takes, living short term with your DParents, commuting, applying for new jobs, but leave him, block him and never allow him to reel you in again. 💐

Chewbecca · 30/05/2022 15:37

What an arse!

Definitely pack up and leave, no looking back.

Is it a good job that you want?
Do you want to live in the area he is in or the area you moved from?

Can you find somewhere nearby to stay / rent quickly for the short term? Airbnb, travel lodge, that sort of thing.

Then, if you want to move back to your original town, start looking for a new job or if you want to stick with this job / town, start looking for a place to live.

stillvicarinatutu · 30/05/2022 15:39

You're in a vulnerable position if you stay - and from experience it won't get better.
Pack up and leave op . If he resents you there after 2 days I'd cut your losses now - sooner the better

iwonderwhat · 30/05/2022 15:39

How horrible for you. There really doesn't seem to be any point in trying to "work things through" as he sounds resolute. Don't waste time on a relationship that would always have this situation hanging over you and could really damage your self-esteem in the long term.

Is there any chance of finding a local flat share or even Airbnb for the immediate short term while you figure out what is best for you. Don't go home unless you really have to. Call on your support network to hold your hand over the coming days and weeks. All the best.

TibetanTerrah · 30/05/2022 15:42

2 days?! That's unforgivable even if you were able to smooth things over. Now you know, everytime you put a toe out of line he will kick you out. You will never feel secure.

Is there any way you can get a temporary houseshare near your new job? Ime looking on spare room you can move in quite quickly and won't break the bank. You've effectively burned your bridges with your old job and it seems a shame to throw the new one away.

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 15:42

Pack up and leave for sure. But have you moved to this new area because there’s something else there for you? Eg the job is fab, the area is where you’ve always wanted to be? You have friends there? If yes, then maybe look at renting or house sharing there.

If not, move back home, and learn a lesson - not to give up and drop everything for a man.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/05/2022 15:45

Leave right now. Pack up your things and go.
There is nothing to work on, he's said it's not working, that's it.
Keep your self respect and go.
If your finances are good, and you want the job irrespective of him, then work out whether it is commutable from your parents home, or whether you can rent a room somewhere close by.
If your finances are not so great, and the job is not worth travelling or uprooting yourself for, then go home. You'll soon find another job.
It's a horrible way to find out that he's a prat, but better now than later.

ElenaSt · 30/05/2022 15:49

Leave. It's rather cowardly of him to tell you a couple of days after you moved in but it's done now and you need to concentrate on what is best for you.

As others have said you need to go back to your parents ASAP and commute to your new job and use your free time to find somewhere to live that is near your new job.

Look at it this time as being testing but you will get through it.

Channel your energy into bettering your situation rather than trying to fix it with a man who clearly has wanted to end it earlier but for whatever reason was utterly spineless in telling you after you made huge lcommitments.

Good luck with your new job.

HillCrestingGoat · 30/05/2022 15:51

Don't move back home, fuck him but don't let him tell you what to do or where to live.

Go onto spareroom and find a room to rent. In the meantime cheap hotel or airbnb? You have a new job starting so start that.

MolliciousIntent · 30/05/2022 15:54

I think storming out right now is kinda cutting off your nose to spite your face. Tell him that you accept the breakup but that you're unable to leave right now as you don't have anywhere to do. Move into the spare room and take a couple of weeks to find somewhere else to live so you can keep your job.

SpeckledlyHen · 30/05/2022 15:54

Firstly pack up your dignity and go home. I couldn't spend another minute there if someone did that to me. Do you drive? Could you commute to job? It's certainly doable

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 30/05/2022 15:56

Go. He either doesn’t want you or is trying to control you.

Onwards22 · 30/05/2022 16:07

Do I ask him to work on things with me?

This is his true feelings and they will never go away.

You may he able to make up but it will happen again and you’ll be constantly walking on egg shells wondering if it’s going to happen in a week, month or year.

I commute about 40miles each way a day (rural area) but I drive and it’s a pain.
If this is your ideal job then you can speak to your new boss and explain that you’re going to have to move back home until you can find somewhere closer so is it possible to WFH or do PT hours.

I personally would speak to my old job and see if they’ll take you back and move back home.
I think living in the same area as him is going to make it too easy to get back together.

Pinkbonbon · 30/05/2022 16:11

Could you look for a room in a flatshare somewhere that will be near your new job?

I would take this as a window opening where a door closes and start a new life on your own instead of moving home.

Irishfarmer · 30/05/2022 16:13

Where did it come out of? Was there any pre warning?

I think I would be inclined to leave also. Unless it's a fab job I think I would just be giving my apologies to the company I was due to start with and say that due to unforeseen personal circumstances you will no longer be available for the position and apologies for any inconvenience you have caused them.

MimiSunshine · 30/05/2022 16:14

50mikes isn’t ideal but it’s a doable commute so definitely leave and go to your parents then find a flat to rent it a house share near your job.
then think about if you want to stay in that area or move back. But 100% block him on everything, otherwise he’ll try and keep you dangling and mess with your head once you’ve left as he sounds just the cruel sort to give you false hope of working things out

KettrickenSmiled · 30/05/2022 16:15

Do I ask him to work on things with me?

NO! A thousand times, no no no no no!

He is a cruel selfish bastard, & YOU do not date cruel selfish bastards - ok?

Frankly, if you feel up to it - & I appreciate it may be beyond you right now you poor sod - you shoud be presenting him with a bill for the costs you incurred in moving to his place. Including giving up your job, & finding a fresh deposit & month's rental.

Short of that, a running kick at his bollocks would do.
He's absolutely pushed you up shit creek & I hope you let every mutual acquaintance & family member know exactly what he has done.

I am so sorry he's done this, leaving you deal with the fallout - but you WILL.
What's impressive is how you have managed to keep focus on the practicalities. Many would just be lamenting & "what shall I do all is lost" - which is understandable as a feeling but does nothing to help the situation ... so well done on just about keeping your head together here.
You'll have plenty of time to grieve, vent & heal when you've sorted out your next steps.

What feels like the 'next best option' to you - staying in the current location & keeping the job you know you have?
Or ditching it, being back in the security of familiarity, even if that's your parents' for a couple of weeks, while you get a job in your old town?

Flowers
Herejustforthisone · 30/05/2022 16:19

What a cunt he is.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2022 16:22

Don't even think about trying to work this out. This is not the man you should be with.

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 30/05/2022 16:26

You have a job there. And you’ve just left a job.
Could you rent where you are now rather than going back to your parents? That will give you time to think and get organised again.
you’d avoid being unemployed too.

im wondering why he told you to go ack to your parents though. It’s like he doesn’t even want to bump into you by accident. Like he has something to hide…

2bazookas · 30/05/2022 16:29

Find new accommodation convenient for new job, and move out asap.

Don't waste your time trying to "resolve things" with a man like that. He's demonstrated in spades he will never be a kind, fair, caring, considerate and respectful partner .