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Original poster

Breaking up 2 days after moving in…

112 replies

Alicebee95 · 30/05/2022 15:30

Hello,
I’ll try and put this in a nutshell.
I have just moved in with my partner, he owns the house already (bought it before we met) and I have moved 50 miles away from home to be able to live with him. We’ve been together almost a year, and up until now I have been coming to stay with him every weekend as I work Monday - Friday.
I got a new job here which I am supposed to start tomorrow.
We have had an argument in which he’s told me he doesn’t want to live with me, in fact he’s starting to resent me and we just don’t work according to him. He’s also said I should see if I can get my previous job back and move back in with my parents back home.
Not sure why he has waited until now to let me know he feels like this.
Anyway, I am just looking for advice on what to do now? If he doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t want to live with me then I’d have no choice but to go back to my parents, but getting my previous job back is out of the question as I’ve already been replaced as of today. So I would be moving back to be unemployed, as well as letting down my new job.
Do I ask him to work on things with me? I just feel so angry and upset and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m now trapped I would have already been out the door after the things he’s said.
I suppose I’m just posting for some advice from strangers who don’t know either of us, and to see if anyone else has been through something similar and how it ended up working out.
Thank you xxx

OP posts:
PickAChew · 30/05/2022 18:30

What is there to work out? He's pissed you about.

YukoandHiro · 30/05/2022 18:34

I think move home with your parents and explain exactly what's happened to the job. Would they let you work remotely for a period of time? If you like the job maybe you could find a place of your own half way been so 25 miles which is commutable...

Sorry this has happened, it's awful. It happened to my best friend but she moved over 5000 miles to a new country! She's made a life of her own there now but it's the shittiest thing to do.

Whatever you do, don't try to work on it. If he's not excited about you moving in on day 2 this is definitely not the right relationship

seaUrchinOne · 30/05/2022 18:37

Don't try and work it out, maybe this is a blessing in disguise, this isn't a stable relationship.

Ponderingwindow · 30/05/2022 18:37

Go to your parents for now.
look for a flat closer to your new job and move on.

Oioicaptain · 30/05/2022 18:55

Well it all depends upon how much you want that job and whether you are happy to live and start over in a new area, presumably without knowing many people. It also depends upon whether you have enough money to put down as a deposit for rent. Don't worry about letting an employer down. You have to do what's right for you.

Oioicaptain · 30/05/2022 18:56

P.s. he sounds like an absolute dickhead. Definitely do not try to work things out with him.

AWOL66 · 30/05/2022 19:00

Herejustforthisone · 30/05/2022 16:19

What a cunt he is.

👆🏻This! What a time waster. He will likely one day say he's changed his mind and try to pull you back in then push you away again (push pull technique of narcissists-Google it, very common unfortunately).

Be kind to yourself and leave. Don't blame yourself. You were just unfortunate to meet him to begin with.

Keep the new job. It will be hard at first it always is starting somewhere new, but persevere even though youre starting it at a bad time as time will fly by and you may one day love that job.

I've always found the most terrible times seem to prelude the better times in life or lead to the most growth.

Sending you a big hug x

CherrySocks · 30/05/2022 19:16

He is a very unpleasant and uncaring person. I wouldn't waste any more time on him.
What I would do is - feel extremely angry with him, and use that anger to motivate yourself to do what is best for you.

If it was me I would do is move out into something like a hotel / airbnb for now. Start the job (is it just the two days before the bank hols?). Spend the long weekend with your parents considering your options and making plans.

Personally I would tell the new colleagues what had happened rather than keeping it bottled up - they might have some useful local info about accommodation. Or just tell them your accommodation plans have fallen through and you are looking for a new place.

On the salary of the new job though, can you afford to rent / flatshare?

CandidaAlbicans2 · 30/05/2022 19:27

What a cowardly bastard! 😡
You have a few options depending on how you feel about your new job. Perhaps you could:

  1. If you loved your old job you could call them first thing and ask if there's any chance of going back. I know you said they've found a replacement but you never know

  2. If you decide to start your new job, personally I'd live close to it rather than commute. 50 miles every day is going to cost a shit load in fuel/travel expenses! Plus it's a ball ache. Yes, I know many people do commute those distance and more, but it's such a waste of life IMO

  3. The relationship is over even if he back tracks and smooths things over. But if you could stomach it, and he was amenable, you could stay at his (if there's a spare room) while you look for a place of your own near your new job

  4. If staying put isn't an option I'd find a cheap AirB&B, hotel, houseshare, etc near your new job ASAP to tide you over until you find somewhere else

Iamnotamermaid · 30/05/2022 19:34

Pack up, walk away & don't look back. However this
He’s also said I should see if I can get my previous job back and move back in with my parents back home. is his way of trying to feel less guilty of his shitty move. He does not tell you what to do now.

Start your new job..commute for a bit or find a house share or air bnb until you find a place to rent/buy.

Relaxing2 · 30/05/2022 19:41

Op
I'm in the same situation as you my partner left me told me he doesn't love me and he just wants to have sex with me and leave once the deed is done be my fuck buddy he's left me in a complete mess you will getbthere I am slowly

Howappropriate · 30/05/2022 19:47

Definitely get out of there. Temporary gumtree house share? A month or two- gives you a chance to look for other jobs, go home to parents at weekend.
What an arsehole. Good luck x

Sunnygirl1 · 30/05/2022 19:54

I've immigrated for my husband. We took a chance.

I never had a feeling to break the marriage when we had disagreements becuse 99% of the time he is perfect for me.

Things can improve if he apologizes and you talk it through.

During our 17 years of marriage in the heat of a disagreement, my husband dared to tell me angrily about 3-5 times: 'Go back to ...(my country) and never come back! :). Bl**dy foreigner!' lol

Then 1 hour later he apologized, said I am his favorite girl & foreigner ever and forever, and said when he says it he never means it. It was during the 1st 12 years. He is much better now and tries to show respect at all times.

Puffalicious · 30/05/2022 20:01

Sunnygirl1 · 30/05/2022 19:54

I've immigrated for my husband. We took a chance.

I never had a feeling to break the marriage when we had disagreements becuse 99% of the time he is perfect for me.

Things can improve if he apologizes and you talk it through.

During our 17 years of marriage in the heat of a disagreement, my husband dared to tell me angrily about 3-5 times: 'Go back to ...(my country) and never come back! :). Bl**dy foreigner!' lol

Then 1 hour later he apologized, said I am his favorite girl & foreigner ever and forever, and said when he says it he never means it. It was during the 1st 12 years. He is much better now and tries to show respect at all times.

And your point to the OP is? Is your message to stay with someone who's treated her awfully?

If anyone said to me 'Go back to your own country' I'd oblige the racist arsehole immediately.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 30/05/2022 20:04

"Do I ask him to work on things with me?"

Why would you? This man has left you high and dry 2 days after you've uprooted your life to be with him.

Say if you worked it out with him right now, would you be comfortable being there, knowing he could turn on you like that again at any point?

As a PP said, gather up your stuff and your self respect and walk out with your head held high. Block that fool and don't look back

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 30/05/2022 20:12

bxxx hell. what a bxxxxx
echo what others have said. absolutely do not stay. take all your things and never ever have contact again. if you stay he will be abusive - he has power for a second and he's done this. please block him and do whatever you need to not have contact again. if you can stay with friends or family to tide you over, it needn't be for long - you'll find something else and be ok. but he let you give notice, leave a job and relocate ... do not give him any more energy or time he's a bxxxxx

wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 20:14

Sunnygirl1 · 30/05/2022 19:54

I've immigrated for my husband. We took a chance.

I never had a feeling to break the marriage when we had disagreements becuse 99% of the time he is perfect for me.

Things can improve if he apologizes and you talk it through.

During our 17 years of marriage in the heat of a disagreement, my husband dared to tell me angrily about 3-5 times: 'Go back to ...(my country) and never come back! :). Bl**dy foreigner!' lol

Then 1 hour later he apologized, said I am his favorite girl & foreigner ever and forever, and said when he says it he never means it. It was during the 1st 12 years. He is much better now and tries to show respect at all times.

He was racist to you, his partner, three to five times. I'm not sure it's the success story you're portraying it as? It wasn't enough ti hurt you with a racist, xenophobic comment once. Or twice. He wasn't so mortified he was upset enough to never say it again. He sounds pretty horrid tbh. It takes a hell of a mean streak to say something racist. Because it means you're either actually racist or you're that cruel you'll use a racist remark to purposefully hurt the other person as much as possible. Usually both.

MrsMoastyToasty · 30/05/2022 20:19

Speak to the housing department at the local council to see if you qualify as homeless.

Somuddled · 30/05/2022 20:19

Sunnygirl1 · 30/05/2022 19:54

I've immigrated for my husband. We took a chance.

I never had a feeling to break the marriage when we had disagreements becuse 99% of the time he is perfect for me.

Things can improve if he apologizes and you talk it through.

During our 17 years of marriage in the heat of a disagreement, my husband dared to tell me angrily about 3-5 times: 'Go back to ...(my country) and never come back! :). Bl**dy foreigner!' lol

Then 1 hour later he apologized, said I am his favorite girl & foreigner ever and forever, and said when he says it he never means it. It was during the 1st 12 years. He is much better now and tries to show respect at all times.

This is so so sad to read. You think this is a positive story? To me this is the exact reason the OP needed to leave now, so that she doesn't end up thinking that this sort of story is one of hope.

surreygirl1987 · 30/05/2022 20:56

Oh I'd be furious that he didn't tell me sooner. I agree with other posters - you need to leave now.

Dominuse · 30/05/2022 20:57

Onemoresleeptogonow · 30/05/2022 15:31

Gather up your belongings and self respect just leave. Then block him.

This - explain the situation to your new boss and go

whatwasyournamesorry · 30/05/2022 21:03

What was the argument about?

Wor · 30/05/2022 21:22

OP you aren’t trapped! Lids and koint mortgage and a decade as a sahm can trap a woman rather effectively but you sre free as a bird! It sucks about the job but you’ll find another. Go home and never see this man again.

Iamnotamermaid · 30/05/2022 22:05

Maybe speak to your new boss and see if you can start a week later, just until you find somewhere else to live.

But in the long run it is probably better you find out now your ex has the emotional intelligence of a 5 year old.

AchatAVendre · 30/05/2022 22:14

Sunnygirl1 · 30/05/2022 19:54

I've immigrated for my husband. We took a chance.

I never had a feeling to break the marriage when we had disagreements becuse 99% of the time he is perfect for me.

Things can improve if he apologizes and you talk it through.

During our 17 years of marriage in the heat of a disagreement, my husband dared to tell me angrily about 3-5 times: 'Go back to ...(my country) and never come back! :). Bl**dy foreigner!' lol

Then 1 hour later he apologized, said I am his favorite girl & foreigner ever and forever, and said when he says it he never means it. It was during the 1st 12 years. He is much better now and tries to show respect at all times.

Well, your husband certainly knew what he was doing when choosing a woman who would put up with this kind of unforgivable comment.

How depressing that you feel you had to stay with a man who said that kind of thing.

A decent man would never have said this in the first place.

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