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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Breaking up 2 days after moving in…

112 replies

Alicebee95 · 30/05/2022 15:30

Hello,
I’ll try and put this in a nutshell.
I have just moved in with my partner, he owns the house already (bought it before we met) and I have moved 50 miles away from home to be able to live with him. We’ve been together almost a year, and up until now I have been coming to stay with him every weekend as I work Monday - Friday.
I got a new job here which I am supposed to start tomorrow.
We have had an argument in which he’s told me he doesn’t want to live with me, in fact he’s starting to resent me and we just don’t work according to him. He’s also said I should see if I can get my previous job back and move back in with my parents back home.
Not sure why he has waited until now to let me know he feels like this.
Anyway, I am just looking for advice on what to do now? If he doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t want to live with me then I’d have no choice but to go back to my parents, but getting my previous job back is out of the question as I’ve already been replaced as of today. So I would be moving back to be unemployed, as well as letting down my new job.
Do I ask him to work on things with me? I just feel so angry and upset and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m now trapped I would have already been out the door after the things he’s said.
I suppose I’m just posting for some advice from strangers who don’t know either of us, and to see if anyone else has been through something similar and how it ended up working out.
Thank you xxx

OP posts:
Sunnygirl1 · 01/06/2022 00:10

wellhelloitsme · 31/05/2022 09:23

@Sunnygirl1

Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. Calling me a foreigner sometimes can be part of our sexual game and role play. It's funny and not as bad as you think

He said it in anger, in an argument, to dismiss you and hurt you.

The fact he says similar stuff during roleplay doesn't change that.

My partner might say "oh you idiot" jokingly if I was to tell him a story where I've done something funny and stupid. That's fine in context. If he called me an idiot in an argument, in anger, seriously... not fine, and the fact he's used it in jest previously doesn't change that.

Nice, sweet guys aren't spiteful (repeatedly) in arguments, saying xenophobic things with the sole purpose of hurting the feelings of the person on the receiving end, especially when that person has moved to a new country so probably feeling vulnerable. And he said it not once, not twice but 3-5 times, so continued to purposefully say it even after you told him how shitty a thing to say it was.

Everyone's bar is different. Everyone has different expectations. I'm just sad that you think a man is sweet when he said something xenophobic and hurtful more than once.

For me, 'idiot' sounds much worse and much more offensive than 'foreigner'.

I really don't tolerate this word.

That's why Everyone is Very Different what they are ok with and what they hate/dislike/state as unacceptable language and there is nothing wrong with it.

Sunnygirl1 · 01/06/2022 00:12

wellhelloitsme · 01/06/2022 00:09

FYI you can't block posters.

Sorry that people are sad for you that your husband has said xenophobic things to you in anger during arguments multiple times.

Show quote history

Of course, you can.

That's what I've just done.

SpindleSheWrote · 01/06/2022 00:13

Sunnygirl1 · 01/06/2022 00:03

I'll block everyone who keeps on and on to me about it and how offended they are about it.

How are you you going to do that?

Lana07 · 01/06/2022 00:34

SpindleSheWrote · 01/06/2022 00:13

How are you you going to do that?

Show quote history

Here on Mumsnet, you can hide the thread as a way of blocking it and the user(s) you really disagree with and don't want to waste your time and energy on.

The Hide button is on top of the thread next to

Watch thread (in purple colour) Flip Hide (in blue)

There should be a basic button like on FB 'Вlock User'.

I hope it gets programmed soon if not very soon as from time to time I feel like I need it too.

Pickabearanybear · 01/06/2022 00:35

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Lana07 · 01/06/2022 00:36

'Hide' (the thread) button It's at the bottom too I've just noticed.

ImustLearn2Cook · 01/06/2022 01:31

@Alicebee95 You haven’t come back to update the thread. I genuinely hope that you are okay.

RedHorsesAreDangerous · 01/06/2022 02:03

Walk away. This situation will not improve (voice of bitter experience here, who also gave up more than one very good job because of a man and lived to regret it very much. I lived on utter eggshells for 6 months in his house and when I finally found the guts to leave it literally took me years to get over it all.)

As others have said, if the job is okay and you want to give it a go, either go home and commute for a bit, or look for a houseshare, or start looking for work back with your parents.

And don't ever move again just because of a man.

Lana07 · 01/06/2022 10:34

RedHorsesAreDangerous · 01/06/2022 02:03

Walk away. This situation will not improve (voice of bitter experience here, who also gave up more than one very good job because of a man and lived to regret it very much. I lived on utter eggshells for 6 months in his house and when I finally found the guts to leave it literally took me years to get over it all.)

As others have said, if the job is okay and you want to give it a go, either go home and commute for a bit, or look for a houseshare, or start looking for work back with your parents.

And don't ever move again just because of a man.

I agree.

Lana07 · 01/06/2022 10:56

British hoarders

Lana07 · 01/06/2022 10:57

Lana07 · 01/06/2022 10:56

British hoarders

Sorry, wrong thread :)

ElenaSt · 01/06/2022 11:07

Hope you are ok and have been able to remove your stuff and return to your parents or have been able to secure elsewhere to live.

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