Breaking up 2 days after moving in…

[Alicebee95]

Hello,
I’ll try and put this in a nutshell.
I have just moved in with my partner, he owns the house already (bought it before we met) and I have moved 50 miles away from home to be able to live with him. We’ve been together almost a year, and up until now I have been coming to stay with him every weekend as I work Monday - Friday.
I got a new job here which I am supposed to start tomorrow.
We have had an argument in which he’s told me he doesn’t want to live with me, in fact he’s starting to resent me and we just don’t work according to him. He’s also said I should see if I can get my previous job back and move back in with my parents back home.
Not sure why he has waited until now to let me know he feels like this.
Anyway, I am just looking for advice on what to do now? If he doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t want to live with me then I’d have no choice but to go back to my parents, but getting my previous job back is out of the question as I’ve already been replaced as of today. So I would be moving back to be unemployed, as well as letting down my new job.
Do I ask him to work on things with me? I just feel so angry and upset and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m now trapped I would have already been out the door after the things he’s said.
I suppose I’m just posting for some advice from strangers who don’t know either of us, and to see if anyone else has been through something similar and how it ended up working out.
Thank you xxx

He is a nasty piece of work and I cannot believe this is not deliberate.

Reach out to family and friends.

I would look to move home and start job hunting.

I think you gave up far too much, far too soon for someone you clearly don't know.

He is very nasty.

@Sunnygirl1 , you know your husband is racist, right? 😞

This manipulative liar cheated on you several months ago. Now this. Alicebee, he is massively selfish, immature and cruel, so life with him would be a horror show.

I would move home and start fresh. You deserve much better than this loser who diminishes and degrades you. Cut him off and don’t falter if he attempts to hoover.

Like the others have said, lace up those shoes and run far, far from there. If you think the new job has potential, talk to them and explain the situation. Tell them you're willing to commute while you figure out the next steps. From a CV point of view, it's better to not have gaps. 50 miles is commutable and there might be a part WFH option too?

As awful as it sounds, you've dodged a bullet with this man. He sounds unstable!

Honestly if the job isn’t what you really want to do I would leave back to your parents and temp until I found something permanent if that was an option. I would also cut all contact with this man as he clearly is a head fuck and will of course in a weeks time “have made a mistake and want to be with you and it just happened so quick he got scared”

please whatever you decide look after yourself and stay away from this waste of space.

Don't take this bad, awful advice here. You shouldn't be advising posters!

He is not racist. It's his snobby sarcastic British humor.

We are both of the same race.

It's xenophobia. He doesn't mean to hurt me. When he is rude, I tell him he is a foreigner to me too. But he is also my favorite sweet foreigner.

@Sunnygirl1

It's xenophobia. He doesn't mean to hurt me.

He absolutely meant to hurt your feelings when, in an argument, he told you to "go back to your country and never come back" and called you a "bloody foreigner" in anger.

He said those things specifically to hurt you. That isn't how 'sweet' people behave.

If my partner and I disagree, he doesn't say hurtful things, or bring up things that are unrelated to what we disagree about. Because he's not nasty.

Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. Calling me a foreigner sometimes can be part of our sexual game and role play. It's funny and not as bad as you think.

I've trained him on respect and have set my boundaries. He has improved significantly. That's why we are happily married for 17 years.

You would get offended and leave.

He makes me laugh every day. He is perfect for me and we love each other very much. Everyone is different as long as you are happy that's all that matters.

@Sunnygirl1

Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. Calling me a foreigner sometimes can be part of our sexual game and role play. It's funny and not as bad as you think

He said it in anger, in an argument, to dismiss you and hurt you.

The fact he says similar stuff during roleplay doesn't change that.

My partner might say "oh you idiot" jokingly if I was to tell him a story where I've done something funny and stupid. That's fine in context. If he called me an idiot in an argument, in anger, seriously... not fine, and the fact he's used it in jest previously doesn't change that.

Nice, sweet guys aren't spiteful (repeatedly) in arguments, saying xenophobic things with the sole purpose of hurting the feelings of the person on the receiving end, especially when that person has moved to a new country so probably feeling vulnerable. And he said it not once, not twice but 3-5 times, so continued to purposefully say it even after you told him how shitty a thing to say it was.

Everyone's bar is different. Everyone has different expectations. I'm just sad that you think a man is sweet when he said something xenophobic and hurtful more than once.

I'd stay.
I think you should discuss with him the impact of the break up and agree that as a courtesy he should allow you to move into the spare room until you pass your probation at work, or at least 1 month. Can you be civil with each other? It's a shame the relationship did not work out, but his timing is not great and has implications. After a few weeks you might have made friends at work and someone might have a spare room. Good luck OP. Hang in there.

I commute 70 miles a day, and will do until I retire.
Doing 100 miles a day will be very tiring the first month or so but this time of year it's not so bad - it's worse doing a long commute in winter. It is doable in the short term though until you get sorted.

Another alternative might be finding a B&B /Guesthouse who would do special Sun-Thurs Rate for you. Or finding a temporary flat share. Then you can look for work back where you were orginally and move back when it suits.

The other thing is that frequently, someone doesn't last their probation or they leave to take up another post because it's common for them to apply for several positions so if you left on good terms it might be no harm to let them know that the oppertunity fell through and that you'd be open to applying for any roles that may come up again in your previous employment.

But take him at his word. Whatever reason he did this, he fucked you over. That's not something you can get past or fully trust again.

There are some things that even someone you love and who mostly makes you happy can do that are so offensive or so obnoxious that the should make a relationship in possible in a person with healthy boundaries.

I suspect what has happened is that he has either picked a partner with weak boundaries or that he has eroded your boundaries over the years. You shouldn't have to "train" someone to be respectful. It sounds like he has trained you to put up with his being offensive. Really depressing to hear you defending him.

Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. Calling me a foreigner sometimes can be part of our sexual game and role play. It's funny and not as bad as you think.
Thanks. I've just been a bit sick in my mouth.

I've trained him on respect and have set my boundaries. He has improved significantly. That's why we are happily married for 17 years.
Jeeze. You needed to TRAIN him to respect you?
That's ... not how respect works.

Well, you’re very forgiving of really shit behaviour, aren’t you?

Your ‘sweet foreigner’ husband sounds vile to me.

On rank, I just read your later post @Sunnygirl1.

Your boundaries are in funny places…

I am glad your husband is perfect for you, mine is perfect for me.

I am not asking in this post for advice for me or making a new one if my husband is vile or not.

You don't fully know us as generally a fun & loving couple to comment on.

My husband obviously doesn't go around and tell people: 'She is my foreigner/(bl**dy) foreigner'. There can be times and places he might say or not say it. It is HIS humor, banter, and sarcasm, his a bit unusual private personality that he doesn't show in public as it would be misunderstood.

I thought it wasn't that difficult to understand/accept that everyone is different and how we react to certain words, phrases, and sentences, our reactions can differ.

What's ok for 1person is unacceptable for another. There is no problem with it whatsoever as everyone is different as long as nobody gets hurt physically and emotionally. As long as it's said in private not to offend anyone, it's nobody's business/problem what is said and how it's said.

For example, I personally really dislike the 'cheeky monkey' phrase when the child is called like that. it sounds very rude to me personally but I just accept it's a norm in the UK and not offensive at all but is supposed to be fun and funny.

It also has to do with cultural differences in perception of language interpretation.

@Sunnygirl1

It is HIS humor, banter, and sarcasm, his a bit unusual private personality that he doesn't show in public as it would be misunderstood.

You said that he's said it in arguments though, which is completely to something being an in joke or affectionate or something.

He said it during arguments specifically to belittle you - he told you to go back to the country you come from. Dismissive, belittling and nasty.

Nice people don't say xenophobic things designed to hurt their partner, even if they're having an argument.

I'm sorry you think that's acceptable or normal.

If you have children I'm sad that they may have been exposed to this kind of comment and think it's ok for them to be treated that way or for them to treat others that way.

As long as it's said in private not to offend anyone, it's nobody's business/problem what is said and how it's said.

How was the below not said by him specifically to offend or upset you?! That's exactly why he said it. Multiple times.

During our 17 years of marriage in the heat of a disagreement, my husband dared to tell me angrily about 3-5 times: 'Go back to ...(my country) and never come back! :). Bloody foreigner!'

Everyone who is an offended type about the word 'foreigner', it's YOUR problem.

I have no problem with the word and it is not offensive to me.

Everywhere abroad you will also be a foreigner.

or officially 'foreign citizen'

I'll block everyone who keeps on and on to me about it and how offended they are about it.

FYI you can't block posters.

Sorry that people are sad for you that your husband has said xenophobic things to you in anger during arguments multiple times.