Breaking up 2 days after moving in…

[Alicebee95]

Hello,
I’ll try and put this in a nutshell.
I have just moved in with my partner, he owns the house already (bought it before we met) and I have moved 50 miles away from home to be able to live with him. We’ve been together almost a year, and up until now I have been coming to stay with him every weekend as I work Monday - Friday.
I got a new job here which I am supposed to start tomorrow.
We have had an argument in which he’s told me he doesn’t want to live with me, in fact he’s starting to resent me and we just don’t work according to him. He’s also said I should see if I can get my previous job back and move back in with my parents back home.
Not sure why he has waited until now to let me know he feels like this.
Anyway, I am just looking for advice on what to do now? If he doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t want to live with me then I’d have no choice but to go back to my parents, but getting my previous job back is out of the question as I’ve already been replaced as of today. So I would be moving back to be unemployed, as well as letting down my new job.
Do I ask him to work on things with me? I just feel so angry and upset and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m now trapped I would have already been out the door after the things he’s said.
I suppose I’m just posting for some advice from strangers who don’t know either of us, and to see if anyone else has been through something similar and how it ended up working out.
Thank you xxx

He doesn't get to have an opinion about where you live or work once you move out. I'd be interested in getting him to admit when he first realised he didn't think the relationship would work and if this was before you relocated and terminated your employment.

Good luck.

What he has done is incredibly cruel, OP. Don’t even entertain the idea of working on things or, as pps say, his inevitable hot and cold signals once you have moved out.

He is not a good person, cut your losses, get a house share and good luck in the new job.

He is no longer part of your decision making.

You need a place to live and you need a job. Would you want this new job if you could find accommodation? Is it possible to work from him and stay with your parents ?

Whatever you do don't do anything but walk away from him. It is over. Even if he was having cold feet he has behaved unkindly so you shouldn't give him any other chances.

Classic freaking out over commitment similar to wedding jitters which normally I’d make allowances for but not this time.. he’s made you incredibly vulnerable and really left you in a mess with no regard for your feelings. Don’t move home- rent a room local to your job and make a fantastic new life for yourself. Don’t ever go back to him though not even for a casual bunk up. Please 🙏

Leave and sort out the job later. Shame he didn’t say this earlier.

You can save yourself a lot of time, heart ache and game playing by simply accepting exactly what people say. People are only inclined to make stupid threats and play passive aggressive manipulative games with people who are also willing to play the game. Don't. Take this as fact. It's over. What can you do now that's best for you?

Think about it:
a) he is absolutely certain it's over; accept this and make plans that work for you alone
OR
b) he still wants to be with you but he's playing games, using threats and pass-agg games to get what he wants; you should go any way because who wants to be with someone who communicates like that and keeps threats like this hanging over you, it only ever gets worse.

What everyone else has said, and don't let him reel you in again when you've moved on and he has another change of heart.

You need to leave him, now. Don't encourage getting back together because every little argument you have will lead to him throwing you out. If he's already sick of it after 2 days you have literally no chance!

Have you got enough money to stay in a cheap B&B for a while and start the new job?

Leave. Commute from your parents house- or can you rent a room near your new job?

You’ve been together less than a year. That’s too soon to be moving in with him and getting a job that’s 50 miles from your family. You’ve only known each other for a few months - you don’t know him yet. You’re obviously not compatible and this is why you need to wait longer before moving in with someone.

How awful of him to do this to you. This really is unacceptable and I’d see if as a definite break even if he subsequently changes his mind. Where do you want to live. Do you want to go home to your old job if possible? Or do you want to start the new one?

I’d be tempted to dig my heels in and say ‘we’re over but I’m not leaving until I’ve sorted out my living and working arrangements to my satisfaction’. Why should he have the last say in all your choices? Fuck him.

I’d go to my parents, you need to feel wanted and in a familiar place (for now at least). Start your new job, settle there and in say a few weeks time consider your options about moving closer to your new job (but hopefully in the opposite direction to him).

I’d just leave and see it as a lucky escape- it’s not ideal but at least he’s shown his true colours early on allowing you to swiftly exit.

I’d base any decision around how to handle the new job on how much I wanted it, whether it was worth commuting for, and whether I still wanted to live in the new area or wanted the comfort of familiar surroundings- you’ve had some good advice re your options though

I think the one thing everyone agrees on is NOT to try and work things out with him - it’s a really shitty way to behave and a horrible situation to put you in. Good luck op - you’ll definitely get through this.

My ex did this about four months after I had left my whole life in another city to move in with him. I didn't go back. I found a room in a shared house, kept my job, got a second job to keep me busy and to be financially comfortable. Twenty years later I am still here

Leave.

He either wants you out or he wants you scared to do anything that might get you kicked out.

Move now because if you beg for another chance and he agrees, you'll get settled in the new job and feel even more trapped, with homelessness hanging over your head.

Agree with other posters who say commute for a short time from your parents. Don’t be unemployed in this current climate and it won’t look good to let the job down.

move out of this awful man’s house

Something similar happened to DS2. He had a relationship with a girl who het met at work when she was an intern at his office. She went home to Manchester and arranged a flat etc and he took a job in Manchester and resigned from his London one.
By the time he made it to Manchester she had changed her mind. Initially he was going to stay in Manchester (had lived and worked previously in London) find somewhere to rent etc. Fortunately his friends and brothers persuaded him to come back south, he moved in with me and DH and worked temp for a while.
Fortunatley his replacement at work didn't work out and as he was in touch, on a social basis, with people he worked with he got his old job back after about 6 months.
You will need a lot of emotional support OP (I knoe DS did) so go back home to be with friends and family. I'm sorry this has happened to you x

I had a colleague who's partner did this. But she'd paid into his house. As a PP said, pack your stuff and go and block that one-ker.

Pack your car and check into a hotel or air bnb for a fortnight. Start the job and make a decision calmly about whether to stay, then start looking for a flat share. Good luck. At least you won't waste another second of your life on him.

This. There is no point leaving at this moment to either make a point or being dignified. Right now you only have 1 job and you need to be where that is. Tell him that you will need to stay at his, that you will need a room that is yours and you will pay suitable rent for a period of say up to 8 weeks whilst you find ano room in a homo or a new job nearer home.
Tell him that he has a moral responsibility to provide the roof under which you’ll love for at least a few weeks given that he did not raise his concerns let alone stop you before you made the move. He had plenty of time to do that. To not now help you sort out the situation as best as possible means that he is being unnecessary cruel and selfish. If needs be enlist some support of a mutual friend or a relieve of his to get him to understand the magnitude of the situation he has created.

This

Wow. He gave it 2 days and made you resign from your job and find a new one?

I wonder if he did it deliberately. There are people out there who get enjoyment out of treating others cruelly. What is his past relationship history like? Does he have many friends?

Get out of there asap, stay in an Airbnb and either try to get your old job back or start the new one and find a room to rent somewhere, but he sounds an absolute nightmare.

Don't give up the job. But don't remain living at his house either.

As per pp, try to find somewhere else to stay until you decide what to do going forward. It's over OP, don't try to reconcile. He will pull this card every time you have a disagreement.

Also just wanted to say you don't really know someone until about 18 months in. Until then it's easy to mask behavior.

I think you have answered your own question - you said if your old job was available you would leave, better you know now he is a shit rather than in a years time, ring your old job you never know.