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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just seen a notification on partner's phone......

149 replies

Glitterdays · 30/05/2022 08:47

Shit shit shit.
I leaned over to turn off his alarm, he was downstairs, and saw this on his lock screen

Dating support - Dawn really enjoyed your profile

I immediately took a screenshot with my phone. He was a bit odd this morning, I wouldn't be surprised if he suspects that I saw it but I said nothing.

I will confront him tonight, but short of trawling through every dating site looking for him, is there anything I can/should do?

OP posts:
glamourousindierockandroll · 30/05/2022 09:50

Glitterdays · 30/05/2022 09:38

It's simply a notification from his email saying what I said above. I'm not going to post the screenshot as it has his email address on it!
Dating support Dawn really enjoyed your profile.
He's obviously received an email from a dating site hasn't he. So it's not an app.
Thanks for helping me clarify that, my head is spinning.

If it's an email rather than a notification then I'm less suspicious, not more. Particularly if the wording is as vague as you have written here. You said his email address was in the notification; that also sounds spammy.

"Dating Support" is about as vague as it gets. I don't think you can judge him based on just that. Agree that if you can post the picture and black out his email people can help you.

Onwards22 · 30/05/2022 09:51

Can you post a photo of it and draw over the email address?

Someone may be able to give you much better answers than just guessing like we’re doing now.

I’d think twice about confronting him right now as it does sound like it could be a spam message.

SpringIntoChaos · 30/05/2022 10:15

OP...I get those email messages...in my SPAM...they are autogenerated crap...nothing to do with me 🤦‍♀️

I mean...in your case it might be real, but I'd bet money that it's a SPAMMY McSpamface
bot!

vasi34 · 30/05/2022 10:33

You should speak to him. Most of them are scam. I know because i have been on that dating support app and it's not real.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/05/2022 10:35

You haven’t had sex in years. I think he very probably is looking elsewhere.

It sounds like this is the impetus you need to end things. It can’t have been a happy relationship for either of you for some time.

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/05/2022 10:37

Ah so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Yes it doesn't look brilliant, notifications from emails only come through for me if they are going into inbox, junk ones don't show up. Spam would go into junk.
What would you want to do about this? May I ask why you haven't had sex for years?

2bazookas · 30/05/2022 10:44

Open any OLD account, user name Dawn, and text to him " Just found out I have an STD , all my customers need to get tested so does your wife.

I've given the contact tracers your number. Sorry about that, Dawn from OLD".

lovingtheheat · 30/05/2022 10:55

You said that he was acting odd and may suspect you saw the message. If so, then he may well delete any incriminating evidence from his phone and / or emails.

WildCoasts · 30/05/2022 11:00

CorpseReviver · 30/05/2022 09:20

My husband got a private twitter message from "Martine" yesterday saying "hey sexy what age u r". I wouldn't take that one message as proof of anything.

This is fair consideration. I get those emails from time to time. I've never been on a dating site and have no interest. Total spam.

st1cky · 30/05/2022 11:02

Likely spam if it's an email rather than an app notification. Sometimes they can bypass the junk filter. If I go into junk mail I have heaps of similar ones.

youlightupmyday · 30/05/2022 11:06

Does it really matter? What do you want? I would talk to him about the state of your relationship, your cancer treatment and what you both want going forward and see what you want to do together or separately.

Good luck, shitty timing, but an opportunity for you to recalibrate. It is your life too

SaintJavelin · 30/05/2022 11:07

It could be a spam email but if you haven't had sex in years it should hardly be a shock that he may be seeking it elsewhere.

Ciko · 30/05/2022 11:25

I’ve never used a dating site and I get those spam emails about “Rebecca loved your profile” or “meet hot women in your area”.

Im straight.

DogInATent · 30/05/2022 11:26

Work phone, or phone set-up with work email? This sort of crap comes through every week on emails, texts, and even WhatsApp if you don't have it set to Contacts Only.

Put his email address into haveibeenpwned.com/ and if it comes up it's on lists available to spammers.

Watermill · 30/05/2022 11:31

Given the full scenario, and the fact this was a notification rather than a junk email, I would think it very likely he is on dating apps.

I imagine you will get denial and then a drip feed...Sad

Lockheart · 30/05/2022 11:32

Hmm. It could be spam or it could not be. "Dating Support" sounds very generic spam to me. If it was tinder / Hinge I'd think differently. Obviously you're better placed than us to tell, but I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, I don't think it's impossible that it's just a spam email.

GCRich · 30/05/2022 11:47

It sounds like your priority needs to be your health, and your DP needs to give you all the support he can (irrespective of anything else).

Your second priority should be your relationship - what do you want from it and what can you offer and is there any point.

Third is the questions... "is trying to cheat? Is he actually cheating?" My guess would be that it's spam, but that is a guess, and it sounds like he may well be cheating given the relationship seems to be struggling.

Focus on your health and what you want. IMHO, given the no sex in years, the future of this relationship is about what you want and what he can give you, not whether he's cheated or not (but obvously if you wish to dump him for cheating or trying to then that's fine!)

AryaStarkWolf · 30/05/2022 11:51

Glitterdays · 30/05/2022 09:38

It's simply a notification from his email saying what I said above. I'm not going to post the screenshot as it has his email address on it!
Dating support Dawn really enjoyed your profile.
He's obviously received an email from a dating site hasn't he. So it's not an app.
Thanks for helping me clarify that, my head is spinning.

Obviously I'm not saying he's definitely not on a dating site however like a PP I have gotten emails from POF, a few of them actually saying I had matches or someone liked my profile too a few months back, literally never even been on the website never mind set up a profile

DonnyBurrito · 30/05/2022 11:55

Who gets notifications of spam emails through the day? Smartphones are, well... smart! And tend to filter them all away even if you don't have specific settings activated. I've never once had a spam notification like this pop up on my phone and I don't have any special settings that I've gone and changed myself.

He's acting odd this morning, too. Probably guilt mixed with fear that he could have been caught out so easily. He is probably spending the day clearing his phone incase you do ask at some point to see it, or from stopping the notifications from happening again. If he is on dating websites, this is probably the day he starts hiding it better.

I'd be taking the day to investigate it with my friends, to be honest. I would want more proof because it being explained away as 'spam' (when that is incredibly unlikely) would be an easy way out for him. He can then manipulate you easily after he's out reasonable doubt into your mind.

I'm sorry about your diagnoses 💐 What a shitty selfish thing to do, especially at this at this time.

greatblueheron · 30/05/2022 11:56

Emails that go into spam/junk folders don't come up as notifications on phones.

He's on a dating site. I'm sorry. Good luck.

ClaireEclair · 30/05/2022 11:57

The fact that it’s from “dating support” and not a named dating site screams spam to me. It’s probably a phishing email. I would let him know you saw the alert and ask about it. My sister is in Tinder, Match and POF and all the alerts come up with the name of the site.

User3568975431146 · 30/05/2022 12:01

It might well be a spam thing so something and nothing (hopefully!)

LorW · 30/05/2022 12:06

Just ask to see his phone, you won’t even need to go through it cause his reaction to you asking will be enough. Sorry about your diagnosis OP. 💐

Porcupineintherough · 30/05/2022 12:08

You haven't had sex in years. Was this a mutual decision?

Samosably · 30/05/2022 12:12

@ComtesseDeSpair She’s just been diagnosed with cancer. Do you think it’s appropriate to say this to her purely based on not having sex? Jesus Christ, people are nuanced and circumstances change.

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