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Relationships

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Original poster

Do I still leave this bloke a thank you present for having me??

107 replies

Animalism · 30/05/2022 07:22

Regular poster, NC! A very new man invited me to spend the weekend (he lives somewhere nice). I knew him a bit previously for a while through work so was happy to go.

Had a good time, did my own thing a lot as he was in work part of the time so not too full on. He's working today, early start so I won't see him.

I was planning to leave him a present and note to say thanks for having me. He's been generous and paid for my ticket as a bit of an impromptu surprise.

However, last night in bed he snapped at me for something that genuinely didn't deserve it. I decided to sleep in the spare room. I didn't make a scene but don't feel comfortable sharing a bed with someone I don't know well who has just told me off like a kid (he didn't shout or anything was just very shitty).

I won't be seeing him again, he turned out to be a monologuer and talked over me a lot, didn't seem interested in anything I had to say. Was dismissive about several points I did make.

He's paid for maybe 4 or 5 meals, he insisted, plus my ticket. He's well off so this won't have left him skint.

What would be the right/ polite thing to do here, should I still leave him something to say thanks/ send a text? I promise that the thing he had a go about didn't justify snapping.

OP posts:

Newforumnewname · 30/05/2022 07:24

I would text a thanks, but no need for a present.

seaUrchinOne · 30/05/2022 07:27

No I wouldn't be in contact again, definitely no present.

SummerWhisper · 30/05/2022 07:28

I would not text or leave him a gift. The generosityand abuse were both his choice.. His generosity is not a free pass to be abusive. Hope you are OK.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 30/05/2022 07:28

I wouldn't - might complicate things if you don't intend to be in touch with him any more.

DFOD · 30/05/2022 07:30

I am sorry you experienced this - it must have been frightening. Was he drunk? Not an excuse.

I would not text him a thanks either.

You can’t buy love - you can’t buy abuse.

Are you planning to stay in contact?

DFOD · 30/05/2022 07:33

I think that you really need to look closely at your personal boundaries and worth.

Who taught you to seek to “be polite” in all circumstances? This is a potentially dangerous and wrong headed mindset.

StageRage · 30/05/2022 07:36

I would leave a ‘thank you for your hospitality’ present. Say thank you for inviting me, it’s not going to work out between us but here is a xxx to say thank you for your hospitality’. So very clear.

Original poster

Animalism · 30/05/2022 07:37

Thanks all. To be fair to the guy he wasn't drunk or aggressive, I didn't feel threatened or anything. It was more grumpy and rude than anything but I didn't feel comfortable getting back into bed with him or as though he particularly wanted me there.

OP posts:

MaggieFS · 30/05/2022 07:37

I understand what you mean. No present. Tempting to maintain the high ground on politeness with a text, but given you won't have any contact with him again and it doesn't matter what he thinks, I wouldn't make any contact.

5zeds · 30/05/2022 07:39

Say thank you and leave.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/05/2022 07:40

The paying for stuff isn't very relevant, it was just part of the date and the way he chose to approach that.

You thank friends and acquaintances for hosting you for a weekend - because you're both operating within the bounds of a set of social expectations, a social quid pro quo.

You don't thank people for taking you on a date. Especially when that date ended badly.

Fuckitydoodah · 30/05/2022 07:41

I'd send a text once I was home thanking him for his hospitality and leave it at that.

UserError012345 · 30/05/2022 07:42

Nope. I can't honestly see why you would leave a present.

A thank you would suffice.

Get the hell out.

Shakeupandwakeup · 30/05/2022 07:42

I would be civil and honest. Say thank you for inviting me and for your generosity during my stay. I appreciated it. However I was stunned that you thought it was OK to speak to me so aggressively. I don't tolerate bullying in a relationship, so I think we'd better leave it there.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/05/2022 07:43

If youve already bought the present, id leave it anyway as a thank you for the hospitality. The note, something more formal, Thank you for the hospitality. You have a lovely home.

Picklerick42 · 30/05/2022 07:43

Have you already bought it? If so, just leave it with a note that makes it clear you wouldn't have left it if you hadn't already bought it and he won't be hearing from you again.

icelollycraving · 30/05/2022 07:45

I am on my own here. I would leave a gift, doesn’t need to be a lot. I would thank any host. You don’t need to see or speak to him again.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 30/05/2022 07:47

Don't leave a gift, it gives mixed messages. I think I would just as above and say thank you for the generosity, but the weekend ended in a way you were uncomfortable with, so you think its best to leave it there.

Original poster

Animalism · 30/05/2022 07:49

I haven't already bought a gift, but saw something in a shop yday that I had planned to go back for.

OP posts:

FrontRowSeat · 30/05/2022 07:52

Absolutely no chance (and I’m a complete people pleaser). DFOD (above) makes a great point! At the very most, a short note or a text saying thanks for your hospitality. Keep it deliberately blunt.

Get the hell out of there and have nothing more to do with him.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 30/05/2022 07:56

OP, you need to tighten up your boundaries.

he turned out to be a monologuer and talked over me a lot, didn't seem interested in anything I had to say. Was dismissive about several points I did make.

Why would you want to get into bed with someone so dismissive and disrespectful?

He should have realised you were annoyed/upset because you got out of bed and he didn't apologise?

This guy is so far up his own arse he can't see daylight.

I would do nothing, just leave and block him.

Original poster

Animalism · 30/05/2022 07:56

DFOD · 30/05/2022 07:33

I think that you really need to look closely at your personal boundaries and worth.

Who taught you to seek to “be polite” in all circumstances? This is a potentially dangerous and wrong headed mindset.

More broadly this is very true. MN has been invaluable for discussing situations where I haven't been certain how to uphold boundaries. I feel like last night was progress in that I didn't just get back in his bed (he asked me to).

I suppose this is kind of one of those situations but it just feels a grey area in terms of doing the right thing rather than being polite at all cost.

OP posts:

gannett · 30/05/2022 07:58

No present.

I assume you'll be in contact again to explain you won't be taking the relationship further so you can drop a token "thanks for the hospitality though" in there.

AmbushedByCake · 30/05/2022 07:59

No this isn't a grey area. Having over someone you're dating isn't the same as hosting and doesn't warrant a host gift under any circumstances, but certainly not when he's been a cocktail.

glamosaurus · 30/05/2022 08:02

Agree with the PP, just leave and block him.

You don't owe him a thing. He sounds like an arse. You didn't deserve to be treated like that if he made you leave the room.

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