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Original poster

Do I still leave this bloke a thank you present for having me??

107 replies

Animalism · 30/05/2022 07:22

Regular poster, NC! A very new man invited me to spend the weekend (he lives somewhere nice). I knew him a bit previously for a while through work so was happy to go.

Had a good time, did my own thing a lot as he was in work part of the time so not too full on. He's working today, early start so I won't see him.

I was planning to leave him a present and note to say thanks for having me. He's been generous and paid for my ticket as a bit of an impromptu surprise.

However, last night in bed he snapped at me for something that genuinely didn't deserve it. I decided to sleep in the spare room. I didn't make a scene but don't feel comfortable sharing a bed with someone I don't know well who has just told me off like a kid (he didn't shout or anything was just very shitty).

I won't be seeing him again, he turned out to be a monologuer and talked over me a lot, didn't seem interested in anything I had to say. Was dismissive about several points I did make.

He's paid for maybe 4 or 5 meals, he insisted, plus my ticket. He's well off so this won't have left him skint.

What would be the right/ polite thing to do here, should I still leave him something to say thanks/ send a text? I promise that the thing he had a go about didn't justify snapping.

OP posts:

Original poster

Animalism · 30/05/2022 08:05

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 30/05/2022 07:56

OP, you need to tighten up your boundaries.

he turned out to be a monologuer and talked over me a lot, didn't seem interested in anything I had to say. Was dismissive about several points I did make.

Why would you want to get into bed with someone so dismissive and disrespectful?

He should have realised you were annoyed/upset because you got out of bed and he didn't apologise?

This guy is so far up his own arse he can't see daylight.

I would do nothing, just leave and block him.

Yes he is. It became really apparent. I don't think he's a terrible person but so, so far up his own arse.

He's quickly come in to offer me a lift later. He looked sheepish but didn't apologise for snapping.

OP posts:

MuchoMistrust · 30/05/2022 08:11

I'm not sure I would even leave a note. What would you say?

I would only put "thanks for having me" and leave it at that.

Or perhaps "thanks for showing me the real you so early on"

I'm sorry you had such a shitty time

Arnaquer · 30/05/2022 08:13

Why did you share a bed with someone you don't know well?

Arnaquer · 30/05/2022 08:14

Ah sorry it was a date , I thought it was someone you work with.

User0610134049 · 30/05/2022 08:16

Does it matter? If you’re not going to see him again.
i would’ve thought a verbal or text thank you would be fine.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 30/05/2022 08:25

@User0610134049

i would’ve thought a verbal or text thank you would be fine.

I totally disagree.

Why on earth reward bad behaviour?

And what is OP thanking this a-hole for? She didn't enjoy her stay. He was talking over her, being dismissive and then snappy ? Really??

Unless people get called out on this type of bad behaviour then they will repeat it.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/05/2022 08:31

Don’t leave anything. It just creates a mixed message. You’ve no intention of seeing him again, so why worry about whether he considers you a polite guest or not?

DFOD · 30/05/2022 08:49

Animalism · 30/05/2022 07:37

Thanks all. To be fair to the guy he wasn't drunk or aggressive, I didn't feel threatened or anything. It was more grumpy and rude than anything but I didn't feel comfortable getting back into bed with him or as though he particularly wanted me there.

You are doing it again here - minimising his behaviour to make it tolerable to you to fit some people pleasing social script.

Pay attention to how you were treated and how you feel and honour that.

It seems confrontation - even with yourself in acknowledging the actual factual reality of what he did and how it made you feel in the moment is such a discomfort that you need to deny it and minimise it.

His behaviour was absolutely disgusting.

You know that in your gut. He knows that (he will have treated many women like this over the years and most will have walked).

Leave and block him. He doesn’t deserve an explanation from you. He knows what he did. Well done for going to the other bedroom, well done for reconsidering your choices and well done for posting and discussing this on here.

Find your self worth and move on without looking back. Use this as an opportunity for personal growth…..do something uncomfortable for you (no gift, no thank you, block) and then sense the emotional shift and power it brings you.

Original poster

Animalism · 30/05/2022 08:50

Arnaquer · 30/05/2022 08:14

Ah sorry it was a date , I thought it was someone you work with.

That's it, it was a date. I meant I used to know him slightly from before hence being happy to come for the weekend at an early stage. It's actually been a really nice break other than his arsey behaviour!

OP posts:

Iwonder08 · 30/05/2022 08:52

I would leave him cash to cover your expenses and then block

DFOD · 30/05/2022 08:53

He’s doing the push pull abuse cycle thing now - treated you badly then the sheepish stuff and offering a lift is just to draw you back in - it’s all to see how much disrespect you can take.

Don’t indulge his sheepishness. Don’t take a lift.

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/05/2022 09:05

Nope, I'd be civil, go home and definitely not leave a gift.

OutDamnedSpot · 30/05/2022 09:19

Definitely no gift. Tbh, it wouldn’t cross my mind to leave a gift in a date situation. That sort of etiquette is for staying with an aunt, or a friend who’s hosted for a weekend, not someone you were presumably considering a relationship with.

In this situation, I think I’d wait until I was safely home, then send a text along the lines of “Thank you for having me to stay this weekend and for the [meals/whatever]. I think after last night we’d probably agree that we’re incompatible so I wish you all the best but won’t be arranging a future meeting”

Original poster

Animalism · 30/05/2022 09:21

Nah I won't be accepting a lift, I don't need one.

DFOD I agree that he was out of order and churlish, I would never have told off such a short term guest (like I say, especially when they had genuinely not done anything). Just didn't want to give the impression he had been threatening or violent as it wasn't the case.

But yeah. He knows.

The temptation to be polite etc is very strong but tbh he paid for me and invited me because he wanted me here, then tbh as soon as we had spent a couple of nights together he turns into a petty sod. Thanks for the input, all. I definitely won't be leaving a present.

OP posts:

UnsuitableHat · 30/05/2022 09:23

Monologuer definitely a red flag. Just a thank you if you’re not going to see him again:

LowlandLucky · 30/05/2022 09:32

Don't leave a present. Learn from this experience.

IncompleteSenten · 30/05/2022 09:34

I would leave him money for my half of things then block him.

Wam90 · 30/05/2022 09:38

Definitely no present and don’t contact him again. He sounds a bit controlling and it could end up getting messy. Sounds like it’s a good thing that he showed his true colours quickly!
Spend the money on a bottle of wine for yourself and be glad for your lucky escape! 😣

carbay · 30/05/2022 09:48

Eating crisps/biscuits in bed......making crumbs? I'm intrigued.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 30/05/2022 09:54

I’m getting a very weird vibe from this. It’s like he hired you for the weekend and could therefore treat you like he wants. Leave a note saying thank you but you don’t think it’s going to work and block him.

catfunk · 30/05/2022 09:59

Nope, he was rude to you and made you feel uncomfortable. You don't owe him anything.

HaggisBurger · 30/05/2022 10:01

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 30/05/2022 09:54

Agreed. The whole thing of hIm paying for tickets and stuff has a very odd vibe. Look at the effect yes created for you OP. You feel a bit beholden to him. As part of looking at your boundaries think about why paying your own way might be healthier until you actually know someone properly in which case you each might want to treat each other.
well done though for not getting into the bed.
Why won’t you say what he snapped at you for? I think it’s quite relevant.

HaggisBurger · 30/05/2022 10:02

But yes I would leave him neither a gift nor a thank you note. Just a text to say you don’t think you’re suited to one another.

FinallyHere · 30/05/2022 10:38

It was more grumpy and rude than anything but I didn't feel comfortable getting back into bed with him or as though he particularly wanted me there.

Here is a life rule that I hope you understand. Do not leave thank someone for being grumpy and rude. Especially not when they are grumpy and rude in the very early stages of a relationship. Very especially not when he has made a point (by paying for things ) that he is the one in control.

You have done exactly the correct thing for not getting back into his bed

I'd leave a note saying thank you for the invitation and that you are sorry that it didn't work out between you.

Anything more and you are just giving him an 'in' to try and change your mind.

Attwoodsladyfriend · 30/05/2022 10:39

I’d be polite and civil but no more.

“Thankyou for your company this weekend. I think relationship wise, we both know this isn’t a good fit, very best of luck for the future.”

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